It makes me sad... when I have to read about people who get suckered, like this. It makes me die a little inside when people don't recognize bull shit when it is stinking up the whole room!
Dude, read what I quoted from you, and see if anything starts to make you wonder.
If not, here:
She married, moved away with, and STAYED WITH A GUY WHO WAS RAPING HER REPEATEDLY?!?!
If you have sympathy for this woman, I would like to talk to you about donating some money to me for... this... umm... really bad disease that I have....
Do you simply lack empathy? Like a sociopath? Or are you just that stupid?
Nobody says, "Oh! Hey! There is a real abuser over there! Look at that! He just slapped me across the face! I think I'm in love! I hope he rapes and beats me tonight. If he does, I think I will marry him!"
Hindsight is 20/20 but women do not go
into an abusive relationship knowing that is what they are getting. It can be years before this behavior shows up. It is slow, and subtle and manipulative. First an abuser gain your trust. How else is he going to get you? He will be the sweetest guy in the world. Maybe he will tell you his deep down secrets because he trusts you so much. He will casually push your instinctual nurturing buttons. Then he starts pulling you away from your friends, your family- usually by moving you someplace you know no one. And why wouldn't you go? He is the man you love, he treats you with respect. There may be the little emotional jabs, things to make you doubt yourself, small things such as "No, I told you last week we had this dinner engagement tonight. Don't you remember? You silly girl! So forgetful! It's okay sweetie." But those small little things add up over time to where you start to believe less in yourself. Those first little put-downs are subtle, never so obvious as calling you a stupid fucking bitch. That comes later. When the day comes that he loses his temper, it can start with him just pushing you out of the way, throwing something at you, pulling something down on you. Something you can forgive. Something he will cry over "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to hurt you. It won't happen again." You believe him. It never happened before. And you are here in a place far from everything, maybe not working anymore (he said he wants to support you while you follow your dream of becoming a writer, or perhaps you have small children at home) so you are dependent on him. Except it does. And each time it's a little worse. You know if you try to walk away from a fight he will follow you, he will break down the door to follow you. If you try to leave the house he will drag you back inside, for your own safety of course. Can't have you running outside in your slippers and nightgown all crazy. You might hurt yourself. Is that rational? Logical? Reasonable? No. Have you ever tried to reason with an unreasonable person? Now imagine that you cannot get away from them? Besides, where would you go? His outward persona is so calculated, nobody will believe you that he is this monster behind closed doors. He is physically stronger than you. He can and will drag you back into the house by your hair. Your neighbors? They won't get involved. The police? Don't do much. When the day comes you do manage to leave, you get information on a safe house, memorizing the number so it isn't written on a scrap of paper somewhere to be questioned. You don't know the fear that shakes your hands as you try to think about what you should throw in a bag because any minute he might come home and find you packing and then all hell will break loose. You pack random ridiculous things. Your heart is pounding. Every sound makes you stop breathing because you think it could be him. You finally make it out the door, you make it to a shelter. Now you are set with the task of looking back over how it all came to be and realizing you have become one of those women, the abused that people look at and say, "How stupid of you to stay with him!"
Yeah, I've been there. Married 7 years to an abusive man who did those things and a whole lot more. And I still have to deal with him because we have a child together. I can show you photos from those first couple years; we look happy.
To the OP: Give her time to heal. It may take years and you being there as someone she can depend on doesn't mean you are stuck in the friend zone. You can let her know your interests are more but that you understand she needs to right herself first. That will speak volumes.
