A sobering issue

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Calcium, Sep 14, 2007.

  1. Calcium

    Calcium New Member

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    This isn't my story to tell, and requires anonymity, so everything will be pretty vague. I don't even know if I should post this here because I feel like it's too obvious it's me, if anyone does a search for this situation. Oh well. A little backstory:

    A friend of mine has terrible luck. I recently found out that she's been having a rough time medically, and has been a victim of rape multiple times, one very recently. She pressed charges and put the scum in jail. His roommates then began harassing her.

    It all came to a head yesterday, when one of them got her alone and punched her in the face. She got away, and my friends and I got really worried, so I decided I should start walking places with her, even though she refused to get me involved. She went somewhere very early this morning and I surprised her and escorted her. I went back to bed.

    I woke up a couple hours later to a missed phone call, a missed text message, and an email saying that on her way back, these guys had found her and raped her.

    So here I am, sitting in my room, weeping because the one time she DID need my help, I was literally asleep on the job. Tell me what I can do to (selfishly) assuage my own guilt and also what can I do to a) make her feel better and b) explain what happened to press charges. She's keeping pretty quiet.
     
  2. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    These guys need to be beaten the shit out of!! I thought after the guy punched her you or someone would have knocked the scum on his arse.

    All I can say is she should go to the police. Write down every incident, any witnesses there may have been, time of incidents etc.

    That is fuckin disgusting. If it were someone round here they'd honestly be murdered (or very close to it) by a mob of big angry men! Paedophiles and rapists are not liked here and I live in a town/area where everyone knows everyone else.

    I feel really sorry for the girl. What a shit area to live in. Police is I suppose the correct course of action. But honestly those guys should be at least seriously kicked the shit out of!
     
  3. Calcium

    Calcium New Member

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    The first thing I asked for was their identities, for this exact reason. She again didn't want to get me involved, although I would not mind going to jail for assault in this case.
     
  4. titan1968

    titan1968 Active Member

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    What a horrible thing for your friend to go through! I can only imagine what you must feel.

    I have never been in such a situation. Try to find out what help is out there for her and how you can help.

    I hope that this has helped a little.

    Titan

     
  5. Not_Punny

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    Wow, that's terrible.

    But you're not the scumbag, the roommates were. If anything, your only error was not to insist that she press charges (or at least activate a restraining order) against the roommates who were harassing her. That would have at least put them on notice.

    It's a sad thing, but a lot of female victims KNOW the perps in a rape situation... and a lot of times (not always) there were red flags that were 'brushed away" before the act happened.

    This is NOT to say that it's a girl's fault. Absolutely not. But a woman who walks in fear of her safety needs to trot her little feet into a police station and/or LEAVE the area and go stay with safe friends/relatives for a while.

    It's a jungle out there only if you don't USE the system and USE your friends/family to protect yourself.

    So again, it's not your fault.
     
  6. Osiris

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    That statement worries me. It is amazingly rare that a rape victim is raped multiple times in different incidents. If you really want to help your friend, figure out what it is she is doing to get herself in these situations and stop that first. I'm not saying this is your friend, but I knew a girl who would party at my house numerous times and every time she would drink, suckface with some guy, and end up in bed somewhere. And 95% of the time I could count on her coming down to the breakfast table in my house, accosting my friends and I asking "What was that asshole's name last night? He raped me and I want to report him." I finally had to ban her from my house as she was equating rape with not being satisfied sexually. So to keep your friend safe, change her cycle of getting her self into these situations of rape. That said...

    She needs to go to the police and report these guys. She may be being quiet for a number of reasons (these idiots have told her she "asked" for it, she was willing but too drunk to remember, just being plain old scared, etc.) These guys may be doing more than just raping her, they are probably playing psych games with her.

    Another thing that is interesting is that usually a woman after a rape situation is more than happy to have someone around and accompany her places as often the vicitm is terrified and skiddish. Why does she try to duck you?

    Not doubting, but some of this isn't adding up to a true rape scenario.

    And for the record, you are doing a fabulous job of being a friend. You are giving her the right advice it sounds, she is disconnecting somewhere. The best thing you can remember is this:

    You can't save someone who doesn't want saving.
     
  7. ManiacalMadMan

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    First you did nothing wrong you went with her on a morning walk to make sure she would have some one with her at least some times You can not be with her all the time and at some point she would have been alone The cowardly scum who raped her watch and wait for that one moment and unless people stay and live with her 24/7 they will find a way in.

    Make sure she presses charges Let her know it is for not just her but as well for other women in the future since many rapists are going to do it again and they need to have their disgusting asses off the street and once that happens and they hopefully are convicted then they are registered as sex offenders so more eyes will watch them if they make it out of prison alive. She was willing and able to press charges on the other man and must do the same to these men Encourage her to get to a hospital and be examined and call the police from the hospital as well.

    Be there for her and get her other friends to be there too You can all offer her support and love.
     
  8. Calcium

    Calcium New Member

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    Thanks for the advice.

    Hotmilf: She DID have a restraining order against these guys. The police were hanging around their house because of the previous rape, which is one of the reasons they got mad. I don't have all the knowledge, because, like I said, she keeps quiet. Anyway, like you said, she should use her friends in addition to the system, of which I am one, and I still ended up missing it.

    Osiris: Thanks, but totally the wrong situation. EDIT: Too specific.

    ManiacalMadman: that point about people waiting and watching her 24/7 is really my only consolation.
     
  9. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Nothing about it in the D&C unless it's the story of the two brothers who were, unbelievably, parolees. If that's the case then she should press every charge. They won't get paroled again for a very long time.
     
  10. Osiris

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    Thank you for proving me wrong on that one. You have quite a long road ahead of you guys. You are doing all you can. Keep being there for her, and talk frequently, make sure she understands this is NOT her fault nor did she ASK for this. Because she has had this happen more than once, she may be placing blame on herself. If you think that she is doing that, get it out of her head ASAP.

    You are being a good friend and in this case, it's like children. You can't watch them 24/7, in this case, you are dealing with an independant woman who has the right to be able to go for a walk unbothered and unafraid. Don't push too hard, but please get her to report this as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it gets to get the police to take action and they in some cases will push it back and say "Why did you wait?". Make sure you are saving the messages left on voicemail, keep a notebook and document down the incidents in detail.

    Let her know she can win this, but she needs to have her ducks in a row. Document and save EVERYTHING!
     
  11. Principessa

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    I am so sorry about this truly tragic situation.
    Please know that you are not to blame!

    I don't care if you have to wrap her in a blanket and throw her over your shoulder like a sack of potatoes; take her to the police station. She must file a report against these pondscum. The fact that she already had a restraining order against them means the cops should be able to do something.

    There are few things in my life that I regret doing. However, the one thing I have always regretted not doing was filing a police report against the bastard that raped me when I was in college. :redface: She needs to do this, not just for her own peace of mind and safety; but for other women as well. Males like that will strike again. :mad:

    The watching and waiting is what says to me these guys are predators and will strike again.
     
  12. ceg1526

    ceg1526 Member

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    Neither you nor she did anything wrong.

    1) Get her to the police station and see what charges can be made (I'm reading assault and rape, but I don't know NY law). Bring any documentation (phone messages, text messages [time stamps are useful], restraining orders, etc.) you have with you. Stay with her. It is not going to be particularly pleasant for either of you (she will have to repeat her story many, many times) but stay at it.

    2) Get her counseling. Make sure she goes.

    3) Get yourself counseling. You've started it here, so continue.

    4) Report back; it helps to talk.

    Take care

    Ceg
     
  13. mattyacht

    mattyacht New Member

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    I'd have to say it's time for some pepper spray at least. Maybe a pistol?
     
  14. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    Despite your best efforts to help her you or anybody cant be with her 24/7.. thats impossible.

    she should consider trying to get away from there for awhile, different surroundings and also some kind of self defense, be it a weapon or boxing etc but obviously these guys are serious and she need some kind of protection
     
  15. MrGoodDate

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    You are all missing a couple things.
    She should go to the emergency at the hospital,,, and get semen samples for DNA. Photograph any injuried
    Then with medical evidence,,, report all this.
    If she was beaten,, the hospital would report it.
     
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