A stumble on the way to adulthood.

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by mindseye, Apr 6, 2006.

  1. mindseye

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2002
    Messages:
    5,685
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Despite my best efforts at being an easy-to-get-along-with, thoughtful guy -- every once in a while, my inner child comes out and throws a real tantrum. It happened today with a close friend of mine who did an uncharacteristically shitty thing this morning. So while I'm absolutely convinced that I was wronged, I'm also feeling rather sheepish and contrite about how I blew up and over-reacted to it.

    Which puts me in a bind. Saying, "I'm sorry, but I was right dammit!" is a pretty back-handed apology. On the other hand, capitulating and offering an unconditional apology is gracious but unsatisfying. The diplomat in me would love to find a win-win solution to this.

    So, I'm throwing out the question -- how do you make amends for a merited overreaction?
     
  2. tallguypns

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2005
    Messages:
    1,663
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    nw florida
    The need to be right is a definite character flaw. An apology should be an apology, not an attempt to show him/her you're right about the thing to begin with. Don't bother to argue with me, I'm 100% right about this.
     
  3. jakeatolla

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2004
    Messages:
    3,093
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    10
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    It depends. If your reaction was warranted, then don't get too bent
    out of shape. People usually realize what they've done after a fashion.
    Sit em down and have a few drinks. Alcohol works wonders.
     
  4. GoneA

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2005
    Messages:
    5,176
    Likes Received:
    1
    Actually tallguy, I tend to disagree with you.

    I say break it down to him/her the way you have for us. Explain that you aren't sorry for what they have done to you, but you feel your reaction could have been better.

    Perhaps that would be a gateway into a discourse over what actually happened.


    Edit: which, by the way, i'm dying to know....
     
  5. tallguypns

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2005
    Messages:
    1,663
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    nw florida
    Please disagree with me. I was not actually dispensing real advice. I was merely making yet another misguided attempt at being funny.
     
  6. rob_just_rob

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2005
    Messages:
    6,037
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Nowhere near you
    Fuck it. He's probably feeling just as uncomfortable. I'm a big believer in letting this stuff blow over.
     
  7. Matthew

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    8,374
    Likes Received:
    160
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    I'm a proponent of talking it out. If you can arrange some time where you can talk for awhile without being rushed, I think it really is possible (and important for your friendship) to separate out carefully what was your responsibility and what was your friend's.

    It also might be good to let a little time pass so some of the stronger emotion has dissipated.
     
  8. Chuck64

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2006
    Messages:
    1,624
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Rural Texas
    That's how I always do it... Wait a week, go hang out and have a good time (don't put the friendship on hold), wait another week or so, then talk it over.
     
  9. Pappy

    Pappy Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2004
    Messages:
    2,416
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Outta Here
    So you blew up at your friend, big deal. If they are a true friend they will let it roll off their back and carry on with out another thought and mindseye you should too. When the time is right it will come up in discussion and you both can talk about it and most likely will laugh at your over reacting to the situation. Just chill and let nature take it's course.
     
  10. madame_zora

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    10,252
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    Mindseye, I say honesty is the best policy, you choose the time. If it's bothering you, get it off your chest, but don't apologise for what wasn't your share. I know you're a clever enough wordsmith to differentiate the tone of your overreaction from the facts you found objectionable.

    Also, there's a difference (though a slight one) between taking someone else's inventory, and just holding them accountable for their own behavior. It's okay to say "xyz is unacceptable to ME" because only you can determine that, so therefore you are dispensing information. What's best to avoid is judgement, which is the part where we let ourselves feel good by dumping on someone else and assessing their character based on what might have been a bad decision(s).

    Never shy away from the truth, without it nothing makes sense and genuine relationships are not possible.
     
  11. LongPhatDong

    LongPhatDong Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2006
    Messages:
    174
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New Mexico
    Here's what I would do in that situation...

    First: When you speak to your friend, be as calm as possible. Yelling doesn't solve anything (except a a yelling contest).
    Second: Be honest. Don't feel the need to sugarcoat things, but don't feel the need to overemphasize things. Find a happy medium.
    Third: Don't wait too long to bring it up. From my personal experiences, the longer you leave a problem unchecked, the worse it gets. (Think about what happens to a toilet when you don't wash it for a while. Yeah; ew. We've all been to that truckstop.)


    The way I would word something like that is: "I don't agree with what you said/did, but that doesn't excuse how I reacted. I apologize for that and will do my best to prevent myself from reacting like that again."
    ...or something to that degree. By putting up a genuine effort (if they're a real friend), they will naturally want to apologize for their wrong-doings. A true friendship is a terrible thing to waste. Almost as bad as a mind.

    Hopefully, this post will help you out, and I apologize if this post just sounds like a regurgitation of previous posts.

    ~LPD
     
  12. headbang8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2004
    Messages:
    1,272
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Munich (BY, DE)
    As many have said: Apologise for your over-reaction. But leave the original issue open for discussion.
     
  13. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2003
    Messages:
    28,013
    Likes Received:
    725
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    the pain behind your eyes
    Simple enough, just talk to him, don't place fault, don't accept it either, just talk to him about it.
     
  14. Lex

    Lex
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,536
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    Fascinating. I am a huge believer that apologies have become grossly overrated and ubitquitous to the point of losing their inherent value. To most, they are an empty act of contrition meant to make the person being apoligized to feel good and the person giving the apology feel beneath the other.

    I truly feel that a person should apologize only when they feel badly about what they have done, not when a person EXPECTS an apology or society tries to force one regardless of how we feel about the situation.

    That being said Mindseye, I think GoneA's point is exactly what I would advise:

    Apologize for your reaction (for which you feel bad) while being honest about WHY you reacted to the perceived slight. A mutuakl understanding from the conversation could possibly avoid a re-occurance in the future.
     
  15. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2005
    Messages:
    5,361
    Likes Received:
    6
    If it's gnawing at me, I owe an amends. On my good days I do it without reservation, then let it go. I've swept my side of the street and can breathe a sigh of relief. If the other person doesn't accept my amends, fuck 'em. I don't like carrying resentments because it's like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person. If I don't have that gnawing feeling and I can honestly say I haven't wronged the other person, I owe no amends.
     
  16. Gisella

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    4,872
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    I would be honest and just say what i really feel and never think twice about say it to close friends.

    We can be diplomat but must be frank in my opinion.
     
  17. DC_DEEP

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2005
    Messages:
    9,029
    Likes Received:
    12
    Madame_Zora, LongPhatDong, and Lex have really said what needs to be said. If you and your friend both truly value the friendship, you can resolve the underlying conflict, and have some constructive conversation. Be calm, be honest. You have stated that you want the resolution, that indicates that you do place value on the relationship. If your friend just cannot get past this conflict, then perhaps it's shining some light in a place that you really need to look. Make your overture; if he does not accept it, he may not be the friend you thought he was. If he is willing to talk it out, then you can fix it.
     
  18. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2006
    Messages:
    5,455
    Likes Received:
    14
    Leave out the fact that you still think you are right because it isnt worth another arguement over, just let that bit go..but say to your freind

    'Im sorry i blew up like that, you got me on a bad day though and it wont happen again'
     
  19. Lex

    Lex
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,536
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    But if he does not tell him WHY he blew up, it WILL happen again.

    If I am reading this right, it's not that Mindseye was caught on a bad day, but rather that what his friend did hit him hard and he (over)reacted, for which he feels badly (the "over" part of overreacted).
     
  20. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2006
    Messages:
    5,455
    Likes Received:
    14
    Obviously the both have strong feelings on the topic so id say its better to say sorry for the 'over' reaction and agree to disagree. If he truely believes he's right then he shouldnt nned to justify and stir it all up again just to prove he is point
     
Draft saved Draft deleted