A Very Complicated Situation, What Do I Do???

[NSX57]

So I have a complicated situation that I am looking for advise on. This is a little bit of a long story but please bear in there.

So I dated this girl for 8 years. Over that time we became best friends. We did everything together, we told each other everything, etc. You pretty much get the picture. We ended up breaking up about a year ago but right before we ended up breaking up, we purchased a home together. In retrospect, probably not the greatest idea but I digress.

Since then we have both moved on to other relationships. I have been in a relationship for almost four months and she has bounced around from old friends but nothing serious until now. As of about six months ago, she has started to see my ex best friend. Long story short, we were best friends and then I realized I was being taken advantage of. It was not a financial taking advantage of, but more so a "I did everything" sort of friendship. I had invited him to events, like my birthday parties, we would wait for hours, and then he would not show. We lived down the street, he would never visit, it would have to be me, if he ever needed anything I would be there but not vise versa. Anyway, I introduced him to my ex-girlfriend a number of years ago and then poof, now they are kinda seeing eachother. The funny part is that after I broke up with my ex this "friend" said that I was a sucker because I own the house and let her live there. Then he proceed to call my ex a number of names that I feel should not be repeated. I defended her, and after the conversation he just gave me attitude. Shortly after this we stopped talking, because I saw the "light" of his true ways.

Now the problem I feel here is that he feels it is okay to hookup with my ex-girlfriend without even approaching me on the issue. I mean, we do not have to be friends, but I think a common courtesy would be in order. Maybe I am just different, but I could never imagine doing something like this. Furthermore, I feel that he might be doing this to be a bit vindictive but my ex will not hear it. Now as a result of our disagreements on these issues, my ex and I are fighting all the time because I feel like she is choosing this douche over our friendship. He consistantly gets her hopes up and then disappears. He will not even come to see her for crying out loud. To make matters worse we live together so a fight really almost never ends and I am afraid to loose my good friend. I know many are going to say I am still in love with my ex, but that could not be further from the truth. Although I still love her, I am no longer in love with her because I understand that we can no longer be together and can only remain as friends but I am finding this very difficult. So my question to you gus is what should I do in this situation? I have already come up with a few ideas but I would like to hear other views.

Just for reference, there are a few issues that do not allow the obvious solutions.

- The property that I purchased has since lost about 10% of value plus I would need to put in about another 10% to get the property up to selling potential. So a huge financial loss would be taken to say the least.

- I can not short sale the property because then I can not purchase another property for 3 years. I do not feel it is fair to rent something and move out to pay for two properties, etc.

- The property is only in my name so any damage would only be done to my credit.

What are your thoughts??? I need a viable solution because if I do not reach one soon, I think I might die from the stress. Please help.

 

[RumperRoom]

Fuck her, Thr property is only in your name and you were never married, She can buy you out and be done with the cunt.

As for the other tool, Fuck him too and everytime you see him. Ask how you taste.

 

[AlteredEgo]

The above is childish and beneath you. I mean,why would he refer to your best friend as a cunt? How disrespectful to you? Then he wants you to behave like a 12 year-old. I dunno.

Look. You aren't friends with that other guy, so why would he ask your permission to date her? You and he have no relationship anymore, and you and she are not a couple, and she's not your daughter, so I fail to see the point. You need to let go of that. Your friends are all going to date assholes sometimes, and there is never anything you can do about it. Just let it go. You can't control what others do, only how you respond. Choose not to interfere. You already told her what he said about her, you already gave your advice. A good friend shuts his mouth at that point. If it works out for them, resolve yourself to finding some happiness for them. If it doesn't work out, be there for her as a friend, and never tell her "I told you so." That's y advice.

 

[redbear52]

First, I don't think living with your ex, or anyone living with their ex for that matter, is going to work unless you have completely detached yourself from her emotionally and it is clear you have not.

Did she put up money for the house? If so, she should buy you out, or you should buy her out. If not and you want to allow her to continue to live there you should charge her rent or ask her to relocate. You don't have to be nasty about it. Just tell her that you find her sexual relationship with your ex-friend upsetting and you don't choose to go through life continually upset.

I have known couples who have "broken up" in that they are no longer romantically/sexually involved who have managed to remain decent friends, but not many. But if you wish to remain friends with her you have no business whatsoever being judgmental about who she is screwing. If you force her to make a decision between "your friendship" or her relationship with your ex-friend it will probably not go your way.

As for being resentful about your ex-friend hooking up with your ex, I don't think you have any grounds there either. I understand you feeling a bit disappointed with him, but it doesn't sound like he was that great a friend to begin with, and since you haven't spoken to him in some time, he is now not a friend at all.

 

[ConstantComment]

One mistake you're probably making here is that you're buying the hype that one must necessarily be the best of friends with their ex and it sometimes, more often than not, just doesn't work that way. Remind yourself that friendship is a relationship of equals and if you''re not getting anything out of the relationship then you need to drop the nostalgia and move on.

Or as in your case, start making business minded decisions. What do you legally owe this woman due both your interests in this house? And what is the best way to disentangle yourself from her without financially hurting yourself?

As far as this guy here, well, he was just a friend. So he owed you nothing. But since you're not getting anything out that relationship with him, you owe him nothing. Ensure that there's nothing that you need from him, either tangibly or intangibly, ie do you know people in common that he can influence, and just simply move on.

 

[hud01]

First as has been said, he did not owe you anything. Get over it. Now my confusion is that you say that you are more gay than straight, so why do you care?

 

[Frnkd213]

"So I dated this girl for 8 years. Over that time we became best friends. We did everything together, we told each other everything, etc. You pretty much get the picture. We ended up breaking up about a year ago but right before we ended up breaking up, we purchased a home together. In retrospect, probably not the greatest idea but I digress. "

I'm guessing that your question hinges on the property that is under your name. Since you did not say how your ex is related to the property I'm have to conclude that she must have out money into the purchase.
As for the relationships, the above posts already gave good advice. Situation with regards to the property, if you can't afford to buy her out and she is willing you can draft an agreement where you would pay her for her part, the same amount she had put in. The catch here is that with this agreement, simple interest of let's say 4.5% per year for 5 years. That comes out to approx $306.00 a month for a $15,000 loan. At the end of the term the interest that she earned would be $3375.00 or $675.00 per year.
I've done several purchase money mortgages, or seller financed sale and actually made more with the interest. Taxes are stretched out over the term and everyone wins. It's better than earning <1% at a bank or savings institute.
Of course the catch is she moves out, you get your house to yourself, you basically is paying her to rent another place(she could move in with your ex friend) for 5 years. However, make sure there is a clause that you can pay the principle off $15,000 or what ever is the balance with out having to pay the interest that she would otherwise be due if you went full term. Not to be vindictive, but done right with all these safety net in place after she signs the agreement, wait a couple of days than pay her the $15,000, again if this is the case. You don't pay her any interest, and though you have to wait till the market improves you get your house back.

If you this is the situation I hope this can be a solution. Best to you.

 

[RumperRoom]

The above is childish and beneath you. I mean,why would he refer to your best friend as a cunt? How disrespectful to you? Then he wants you to behave like a 12 year-old. I dunno.

Look. You aren't friends with that other guy, so why would he ask your permission to date her? You and he have no relationship anymore, and you and she are not a couple, and she's not your daughter, so I fail to see the point. You need to let go of that. Your friends are all going to date assholes sometimes, and there is never anything you can do about it. Just let it go. You can't control what others do, only how you respond. Choose not to interfere. You already told her what he said about her, you already gave your advice. A good friend shuts his mouth at that point. If it works out for them, resolve yourself to finding some happiness for them. If it doesn't work out, be there for her as a friend, and never tell her "I told you so." That's y advice.

So because you wrapped your shit in a pretty box and tied it with a bow, that makes you advice different from mine how.

Once in awhile it is ok to behave badly, sometimes it is downright called for. Childish yes. Do I say I'm sorry, Hell no.

Put yourself in that persons position and then see how you feel. NOw step off your soapbox.

 

[helgaleena]

I am a bit confused about this 'we bought a house together' thing. Did she pay a substantial amount into the property? If so, why isn't her name on it? And is she paying you rent now?

If legally she has no equity, and you do not think of her as having equity, this ex best friend of yours is speaking an unpalatable truth. She continues to live there only at your discretion.

If legally she has equity, and it would be fair for her to have equity, you in all fairness should add her name to the lease. Then equally divide the interior areas between you for the greatest amount of privacy from one another.

In short, play fair with your female friend, or you give the douchebag ammunition to exploit. She may think she needs to be a dependent, either of someone as nice as you or a slyboots like him. That's not doing her any favors. If she hasn't sunk a chunk of cash into the property already, charge her a modest rent, say enough to cover insurance.

 

[Osiris1234]

he feels it is okay to hookup with my ex-girlfriend without even approaching me on the issue. I mean, we do not have to be friends, but I think a common courtesy would be in order.

Of course its okay, your no longer seeing her, she and him are free to date each other or whoever they want. He doesn't need permission from you, also your not friends anymore so he is free to do what he wants. Once I break up with a girl i don't give a shit who she dates after, even if it was my bestfriend. I usually move on and find other better chicks.

Also why are you getting in between their relationship? Its none of your business if he ditches her or doesn't come see her, its her life, don't act like your her father. Also she isn't choosing him over your friendship,your just making things worse by interfereing in her love life, DON'T, if you keep doing that you really will lose her as a friend.

I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but im just telling it how it is.

STAY OUT OF HER LOVE LIFE, ITS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN.