Long thread warning.... First a bit about me, generally I'm an outspoken individual who is currently in a social work program. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, paranoia, and social phobia. I've had two best friends, one a girl Amy, and one a guy Brandon. I've been best friends with them for both for six years. The girl friend has hated my guy friend since she met him, and not much has changed in the way of her hating him. My guy friend came out about being gay last year in march. So, I have been in therapy for a few months now, and my therapist also agrees with everyone in my life that Brandon is a really bad influence in my life. She described him as a drug to an addict. That he's behavior causes me to become reclusive. For example: When I really am feeling depressed, and I call him he will tell me he doesn't have time to talk to me, and that I'm too needy (when I rarely talk to him, because even at 17 he is hanging out with people who give him booze, so he is constantly drinking). So I respond by trying to swallow my depressive feelings, and not talk to him, so that I don't piss him off. After a few weeks, he will call, and act like there is nothing wrong. Then the next day it starts all over again, that I'm too needy, and I need a life, and other friends. (Saying I need other friends is the easy part, it's when it comes down to me not trusting anyone in life that makes it hard). Basically Brandon only gives me attention when I give him the solitude, and quietness that he wants from me. I realized last night why I was so upset about him possibly moving to Toronto so that he can party non-stop away from his parents. It wasn't that I was loosing a friend, it was because I was loosing someone that I have gotten used to being abused by. I started being able to pick through certain situations is my friendship with him, and link them to other problem areas in my life. For examples: (Even though he is gay, we have sex) but he wont kiss me, or touch me in any way... so when I have sex with other people I become frigid, and ashamed of myself, because I can't handle people touching me, and being intimate with me. Our friendship included crappy hugs from him, and him never touching me in any way... so on New Years when this guy that I liked previously was caressing me, I felt violated because I have never experienced that. Brandon continues to hang up on me, or ignore my calls, and I in turn have learned to not talk to anyone, because I simply cannot be worth anyones time if my best friend can't even give me that time. I hate all of his friends because they take away the time that he should be spending making me feel horrible about myself. Brandon likes to tell me how useless I am, and how much of a bad friend I am, so I don't create bonds with anyone because I don't want to hurt anyone by being friends with them. A few times Brandon has slapped hard for looking at him in a certain way, he reasons that it makes me look ugly, and he doesn't like me to look like that. He likes to tell me I am a useless bitch, and as stupid as it must sound I believe it, because he has never complimented me in any way. He tells me that I am messed up, and that people don't like me because I don't understand how to act normal. He tells me he hates me, and I believe him because friends aren't supposed to lie like that. He tells me that there is no one in the world that will love me because I'm deranged, and I accept that because he has so many friends that love him. I'm not asking for sympathy, and I'm not asking to be scolded for not getting out of this friendship because being mentally, emotionally, physically abused is something you get used to. I'm asking is it possible to heal myself. I base my happiness on him having a good day, and being kind to me. For most people this post will either blow them away, or make you see how I feel. I am trapped in a friendship that Brandon will not allow me out of. I have tried countless times, and countless ways to try and get rid of him, but then I become even more depressed because there is nobody to give me attention at all. Thanks for reading, your response will be greatly appreciated. I think this is my first step to try and heal myself.