Abuse?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by B_Think_Kink, Jan 3, 2007.

  1. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Long thread warning....
    First a bit about me, generally I'm an outspoken individual who is currently in a social work program. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, paranoia, and social phobia. I've had two best friends, one a girl Amy, and one a guy Brandon. I've been best friends with them for both for six years. The girl friend has hated my guy friend since she met him, and not much has changed in the way of her hating him. My guy friend came out about being gay last year in march.

    So, I have been in therapy for a few months now, and my therapist also agrees with everyone in my life that Brandon is a really bad influence in my life. She described him as a drug to an addict. That he's behavior causes me to become reclusive. For example: When I really am feeling depressed, and I call him he will tell me he doesn't have time to talk to me, and that I'm too needy (when I rarely talk to him, because even at 17 he is hanging out with people who give him booze, so he is constantly drinking). So I respond by trying to swallow my depressive feelings, and not talk to him, so that I don't piss him off. After a few weeks, he will call, and act like there is nothing wrong. Then the next day it starts all over again, that I'm too needy, and I need a life, and other friends. (Saying I need other friends is the easy part, it's when it comes down to me not trusting anyone in life that makes it hard). Basically Brandon only gives me attention when I give him the solitude, and quietness that he wants from me.

    I realized last night why I was so upset about him possibly moving to Toronto so that he can party non-stop away from his parents. It wasn't that I was loosing a friend, it was because I was loosing someone that I have gotten used to being abused by. I started being able to pick through certain situations is my friendship with him, and link them to other problem areas in my life. For examples: (Even though he is gay, we have sex) but he wont kiss me, or touch me in any way... so when I have sex with other people I become frigid, and ashamed of myself, because I can't handle people touching me, and being intimate with me. Our friendship included crappy hugs from him, and him never touching me in any way... so on New Years when this guy that I liked previously was caressing me, I felt violated because I have never experienced that. Brandon continues to hang up on me, or ignore my calls, and I in turn have learned to not talk to anyone, because I simply cannot be worth anyones time if my best friend can't even give me that time. I hate all of his friends because they take away the time that he should be spending making me feel horrible about myself. Brandon likes to tell me how useless I am, and how much of a bad friend I am, so I don't create bonds with anyone because I don't want to hurt anyone by being friends with them.

    A few times Brandon has slapped hard for looking at him in a certain way, he reasons that it makes me look ugly, and he doesn't like me to look like that. He likes to tell me I am a useless bitch, and as stupid as it must sound I believe it, because he has never complimented me in any way. He tells me that I am messed up, and that people don't like me because I don't understand how to act normal. He tells me he hates me, and I believe him because friends aren't supposed to lie like that. He tells me that there is no one in the world that will love me because I'm deranged, and I accept that because he has so many friends that love him.

    I'm not asking for sympathy, and I'm not asking to be scolded for not getting out of this friendship because being mentally, emotionally, physically abused is something you get used to. I'm asking is it possible to heal myself. I base my happiness on him having a good day, and being kind to me. For most people this post will either blow them away, or make you see how I feel. I am trapped in a friendship that Brandon will not allow me out of. I have tried countless times, and countless ways to try and get rid of him, but then I become even more depressed because there is nobody to give me attention at all.

    Thanks for reading, your response will be greatly appreciated. I think this is my first step to try and heal myself.
     
  2. snoozan

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    I feel for you, a lot. I put myself in so many relationships when I was in my late teens and early twenties that, looking back, were simply because they fed some sort of need I had even though they were horrible for me.

    I'm still not that great with relationships, actually, but I have been lucky enough in my life to have a handful of relationships that have been healthy and long lasting. My husband is the most striking and important example of this-- and our relationship wasn't easy the first few years. It was almost too steady and didn't have the drama I was used to. I still wasn't the person that I needed to be so that I could be happy in a healthy relationship.

    If your relationship is indeed like a drug addict with a drug, you have to do the same thing that addicts do. First, quit. Cold turkey. Drop him for good. Don't call or write or anything. This will seem impossible and feel devastating. You will make up all sorts of rationalizations why he's not that bad and it's probably your fault. You'll think about him a lot. This doesn't matter, don't try to stop the thoughts. The more you try to stop them, the worse they get. It's your actions that count at first. After this, you'll need to figure out what about this relationship draws you and keeps you in it, and avoid those things in future relationships. Whether it's friendship or romantic relationships, you have to use your intellect, not your emotions, to choose who you get involved with. No matter how you feel, it's consistent, healthy decisions that will get you better. Most of the time, the feelings follow the actions, not the other way around.

    Also, you're going to do stupid, unhealthy things that you know are bad for you. Everyone makes mistakes. The biggest mistake, however, is to let these bad feelings about the mistakes you make spiral you into feeling worse, making more bad decisions, doing more stupid things, etc. Everyone gets off course. Your job is to correct your course as quickly as possible, not spend your energy chastising yourself for doing something that's wrong.

    One thing I've had to learn is how to fulfill myself in the absence of others. I didn't know how to when I was younger, but knowing what you can do for you to energize and revive yourself can go a long way to becoming self sufficient. If it's work, a bath, reading, a movie, whatever. Learn how to take care of and nurture you so you don't have to look to others to do it for you.

    I wish you the best of luck. My words come from my experience and I hope they can help you. It's not an easy row to hoe, so to speak. Take care.
     
  3. HazelGod

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    Wow. It's heartbreaking to hear that people like this truly exist.

    In short, he's a monster. In any abusive relationship, no one person is completely at fault...there is no excuse for one person to say and do to another the things he has done to you, much less to one they consider a friend...but it's also true that people will only say and do to you the things that you allow them. So stop allowing it.

    Susan is right...and to borrow from Dan Savage, you need to dump this motherfucker already. Cut the cord, totally and completely. Depression is nasty, and tends to be self-reinforcing...particularly when there are such powerfully negative influences in your life. The sooner you separate yourself from them, the sooner you begin rediscovering the person you really are.
     
  4. RoyalT

    RoyalT New Member

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    Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It may be 'the way you are' today but it doesn't have to be like that for the rest of your life (many thousands of days).

    Tell him to fuck right off and cut all contact.

    It has made me wonder if my friend's bulimia doesn't really calm down because of the guy she lives with...who I don't think cares for her or understands her condition and damages her ego which makes her binge...

    Anyways, don't stand for it for even one more day. You'd be happier on your own! Make friends/talk to people online, and slowly integrate yourself into society like go to parks or walks through woods/forests.

    Definitely stay away from Brandon!

    Brandon is no fit judge. He obviously doesn't like you looking at him because he thinks HE IS UGLY. Which he probably is. And he has anger issues. And are men allowed to hit women now? If they're gay?

    Don't let it continue. Make a new start and keep the hell away from him! If you don't you only have yourself to blame. No one can help you but yourself.

    At least for the time being, til you build some friendships.
     
  5. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Thanks, I have fofilled as much of my life as a I could, I'm a full time college student, I had three jobs, a room full of plants, that make me happy to see grow, as well as: 3 guinea pigs, a rabbit, and soon a baby cockatiel. I've managed to take my life, and not worry about my own needs. My parents spend so much time out of the house, with my brother, partying, and I always felt left out. They thought I wanted to be alone because I never complained, but in reality I just needed people to be around me. Amy and I have a really weak friendship now because she thinks that I want to be hurt by him, and its really messed up.
    When I walk away he comes back, then I fall again. When I raise hell and tell him I want him out of my life, he laughs at me, and starts on a rant how I'm not mentally capeable of knowing what I want or need.
    Where should I start... what am I supposed to change when my life is as full as it will get, I don't trust people... they scare me. Of course it isn't legal for a guy to hit a girl, but I can rationalize that I guess I deserve it.
     
  6. HazelGod

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    The idea that you need to announce to him your decision to cut him from your life speaks volumes of just how powerful his hold over you has become. The fact is, you don't owe anyone, least of all this jackass, an explanation for your decisions and actions. And you definitely don't need anyone's assessment of your ability to make such decisions for yourself.

    Don't tell him about it, don't raise hell about it. Just stop talking to him. Period. Don't answer when he calls. Don't listen to his messages. Block his emails and IMs. Don't go see him, and don't allow him to come see you. If you have items that belong to him, put them ALL in a box and give them to another friend of his to return to him. Don't frequent places where the two of you used to hang out. Don't "accidentally" happen to bump into him anyplace.

    When I say cut yourself off from him, I mean it quite literally.
     
  7. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Not answering his calls should be easy, as he rarely calls. I can't accidently run into him because I'm older than him and attend college. I've blocked his email already. The only thing I have of his is the one gift he got me, should I give that back too?

    lol.. the only last thing I have to do with him, is go with him to get STD testing, because I don't believe he will get it done if I don't go with him. I'm the one forcing him to go because as I said we did sleep together, and he has been with guys.
     
  8. tripod

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    Oh baby... where to start, where to start? This situation seemed really complex when I was reading it and I was daunted by it's intensity. This boils down to self love sweetheart. None of this would've taken place if you loved yourself unconditionally. Fuck Brandon, he's meaningless, this is all about you. You must develop your self love to a sufficient level in order to avoid these pitfalls that you have fallen into. What the hell is therapy doing for you anyway? Doesn't sound like it is doing much, because you are a brilliant young girl (VERIFIED, with my own eyes by the way) and could've come up with your theories (correct as they are) on your own.

    You must figure out what happened to you to make you feel not loved or incapable of intimacy. being rupulsed by a yummy young guy stroking you softly is FUCKING RIDICULOUS, you must apologize to this young man, you will give him a fucking complex! Figure out what went wrong (family... your early years) and fix it. Snoozan gave some wonderful advice, in fact everybody did, quit that motherfucker with ALL OF YOUR MIGHT, be strong and DO IT, then make up with your girlfriend and tell her that she was sooo right and you need her now more than ever (don't mention Brandon at all when you are with her, in fact, don't even think about him... use your mind like a machine and get the job done!!!!!!! Do you belong to a gym or a health club? Working out is the best medicine and the best revenge for trying to forget someone. You are such an amazing young lady, I just know you will come out ahead!!!!!! Oh, and get your own STD test, fuck him!!!!!!!
     
  9. snoozan

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    There's a difference between filling your life with things to do and through that sacrificing your needs and taking care of yourself emotionally. I'm not sure which you're doing. Only you can truly know that. Your needs are important. Without knowing what they are and taking steps towards fulfilling them, you're actually taking away from the things and people you love because you're not able to be the full person that you are.

    It sounds like you need a good support system that's not being addressed by your family. Being in therapy can really help that. So can trying to salvage this friendship with Amy. It sounds like she's on the right track about Brandon-- though I think it's more complicated than you want to be hurt by him, there is a part of you that's clinging to him for reasons that aren't healthy. I wonder if you do cut him off, can she be the person you lean on to get you through? That's something you'll have to figure out.

    It doesn't matter what he says-- he's abusing you by saying things to you to keep you safely where he want you. Even if you suspect that what he says may be true, it is no reason to keep him in your life. No one deserves the the things he does and says to you. The more you subject yourself to it, the more you feed into the cycle of abuse. You feel worse because of what he says, and then you stay in the relationship thinking that you can't survive without him. This is not true, and is a tactic used by abusers the world over. It's their best weapon.

    He may well be right about you not knowing what you want or need-- after all, he realizes on some level how fucked up he really is and can't understand why anyone would want to be friends/lovers with him. Most people that abuse were abused themselves, and have no self worth. It all feeds into itself. However, finding out what you want and need are impossible unless you remove yourself from this cycle of abuse completely. No excuses. Any therapist worth anything will tell you the same thing. Your first step is to get out now.

    You absolutely do not deserve to be hit, slapped, verbally or emotionally assaulted. No one does. You are letting it happen, but your pain will eventually go away if you stop lettingyourself be abused. Your pain will not go away if you keep him in your life.

    I can't tell you how to change your life. Just by posting you what you have, which is an incredibly brave and insightful thing to do, you have acknowledged that you need your life toy change. It is your job to figure out how to fill the hole in yourself when he's gone. This is not an easy process, and it's one best facilitated by a therapist or other professional.

    The thing that makes you feel the worst is also the most empowering-- YOU are letting this happen to you. That also means, however, that YOU have the control to stop it. You may not see right now that you can stop it, but I know you can and everyone that's responded to your post knows you can.

    Ultimately, it's up to you what happens. You can make a better life for yourself. It will not be easy, but it's worth it.

    Throw his gift in the trash. Burn it. Give it to charity. Sending it back will only engage him-- it's just another excuse to contact him. That's the last thing you want to do. Forget the STD testing. If he doesn't want to go, that's his problem. Why waste your time caring more about his health than he does? Why waste your time caring about him more than he cares about you. Go get tested by yourself. Is getting the STD test about him or about you rationalizing maintaining contact? Get out. Now. Permanently. No excuses.
     
  10. Fireballs

    Fireballs New Member

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    You owe him nothing.
    No goodbye, no gifts he gave,
    no explanation.

    Not even "fuck you."
    Especially not "fuck you."
    Let me tell you why.

    He's a parasite.
    "Fuck you" tells him you're in pain.
    Parasites like that.

    Oh, and get tested,
    By yourself, if you have to.
    Who cares if he does?

    Cut him from your life.
    Pretend he's ceased to exist.
    You owe him NOTHING.
     
  11. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    He's only 17 andat that age most guys are completly self obsessed assholes, and you seem to have picked the best of the bunch.

    Sorry girl but he really is just using you..you know you need to get away from him and yes it is going to hurt and you will miss him but you need to do it..you dont deserve to be treate like that and nobody should be treated like that.

    Let him move away and just loose contact with him..you'll be better off in the long run

    And please, please i beg dont believe the crap he is telling you. It is to do nothing more than to keep you feling like crap so he has someone low enough to abuse, otherwise he wouldnt have anyone to let hius anger and fusterations out on
     
  12. D_Neeson Niceone

    D_Neeson Niceone New Member

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    That was tough to read. It bothers me to no end how someone could treat another like that, and it bothers me more how it could be tolerated. Everyone replying has said the right things and they are all telling you the truth: the answer to your question is 'yes'. I really hope you take it all to heart.

    All I want to add is I think you're a very intriquing, unique, and exceptional person in a lot of ways. You have absolutely no reason to believe a single shread of his bullshit. I'm looking forward to your posts telling us how you got away from him.
     
  13. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I know, I let him take his anger out on me, it's been that way for years. I wrote a few things down in an on line journal, and when I look back to it I still cry... I've wanted to be normal for so long that I have tried everything from starving myself to be thin, doing drugs, drinking, and basically anything to fit in with another crowd of people to get away. When I took a family violence class I sat in horror as I watched films about women getting revenge on the people that have abused them for less years than I have been abused by Brandon. I've always wondered where some of my really weird quirks have come from, like controlling every situation in my life, and why rape was a fantasy of mine. I think that because I haven't been able to control all parts of my life thus far that my mind was creating escape routes for me.

    I see my shrink again on the 8th, and I will inform her that I have figured out why there are so many things wrong with me. I can't imagine how she will react, but I hope she has an answer for me.
    I would love to turn around and tell you that I've won the war of my life, and maybe in due time I shall come back with something like that. Time will tell. :)

    I would love to make believe that he doesn't exist, but in reality my life, and happiness is built around him. There will be much pain before there is happiness for me.
     
  14. OmahaBeef

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    First I just wanna say that this is some of the best advice I have ever read, and basically everything that needs to be said, has been said:

    The advice I always give younger folks is this: Avoid toxic people and toxic situations and the rest is easy. Some therapist will try to rationalize his and your behavior and some will even go so far as to excuse it with some off-the-wall "disorder"... but what it comes down to is self-respect and good discipline in choosing your social circles.

    Your young and as you mentioned, you have things going for you, so cowgirl up and ditch this nancy-boy before he permanently fucks up your life. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THINGS WE DO.

    ...OB
     
  15. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    I was in the same boat once. Not to your extent but i aslo done the drugs, drinking, self harming. For me it wasnt just one particular person but i just couldnt cope with everything, so its good your getting help already. And if you have talked to them about Brandon which i hope you have they will have problem known the solution all along and have been waiting for you to realise...The solution being you need to get away from this guy... But hopefully the therapist will give you some techinques on way to cope while your trying to block him out.

    As much as it may hurt and you just might be alone for a while but you need to get away from him and when his gone you'll feel better, more social and you will get more friends (better friends) no doubt.

    Good luck and let me/us know how things go.
     
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