I find this sort of thing hard to understand but I am led to believe that the abusers in these sorts of relationships frequently tell the abused that they are worthless, or won't find anyone better etc. Which causes or contributes to low self esteem which reinforces the negativity.
I would not stand for physical abuse and I don't know why any woman would. Also this is just my own personal opinion but most if not all abusive guys are not "big" guys. Maybe that is reason for their rage and lack of respect for women, I don't know.
Low self esteem is the main reason women stay with 'bad' men though. It's the reason I am "too nice" for a certain someone. And that "maybe if I treated her badly" (her words) then we would be together.
As for the situation you mentioned killer:
Obviously she needs to leave him. That may be hard though and I think first you would need to build up her confidence and self esteem. Getting the police involved might be a good step. If she can document the attacks too maybe with a dictaphone or cameras. Or has she got somewhere else she can stay like her mother's or with a friend?
Somewhere he doesn't know. The best option would be to leave the house and not tell him, maybe change the locks and just never go back there. Don't answer the phone to him/change the number/get a new phone. Also when doing this close the bank account and make a new one, maybe at a different bank. Basically get away and cut him out of her life.
If your friend is unsure, tell her to phone you or talk to you whenever she feels like she 'needs' to talk to him. But the first and biggest step is to just leave, swiftly and without warning.
Well most of us wouldn't stand for an abusive relationship but walking away isn't always easy or the most obvious thing to do, particularly if someone doesn't know they are being abused. I don't know if people always choose to stay in an abusive relationship. The problem is most of the time the abuse is insidious. I would not say I have been in an abusive relationship but I came close to being in a relationship with a controlling man on more than one occasion. It starts out in the smallest of ways. One of mine suggested I change my lipstick to one he liked better on me. That's a small thing in those heady, early days of a relationship and I was happy to do it because of course I wanted to be even more appealing to him. Then he "suggested" I wear longer skirts. Again, I thought nothing of it. Then he wanted me to do up all the buttons on my shirt. Then he demanded I stop wearing lipstick. Then he didn't like this friend. Then that friend. And so on it went. Three months in, bare faced and dressed like a frump, I realised what was going on and bailed. The man was trying to control me. Worse, I found out after the fact that he was
married! He never told me. I found out when I bumped into him walking down the road with his two kids and very pregnant wife. Of course for her sake I kept my mouth shut but if looks could kill he would be dead now. Worse, he tried to hook up with me again after I found out! :wtf2: After that I was very careful who I hooked up with.
While I have never had the threat of physical violence in any of my relationships, I have witnessed such abuses in a couple of my sister's relationships. Why do men abuse? Sometimes it's about power. Sometimes they are weak. Sometimes it's behavior they have learned at the knee of their own parent. But in some cases, it's due to fear. Some men are frightened that they are not good enough for the women in their lives. So they do everything they can to cow her and break her self-esteem; his 'logic' tells him that this will make her less likely to leave him. Actions he might take include severing her networks - family, friends, confidantes, even work colleagues - so that she is completely isolated. Then wearing her down, first verbally (appearance, intellect, verbal abuse), then physically (actual violence or threat of violence). It starts out innocuously and gradually escalates and sometimes by the time a woman realises what is going on, she has feelings for a guy, she may have kids with him and she is conflicted about leaving. Leaving isn't always as easy as getting out of Dodge because, as stated, sometimes you don't even know you are being abused until it's too late and having dependent kids makes people fearful.
As for women not leaving, sometimes it's low self-esteem but mostly it's fear and a lack of self-belief that she can make it on her own. You have to remember, a lot of the time these women have been deliberately isolated from their support networks and conditioned to feel like they cannot do anything without their abuser by their side. They feel all alone and as though no one will understand what they have been through. They also frequently feel that they have been abused due to something THEY have done. So they deserve it in some way. Their attitude can be "better the devil you know" than going out to face the unknown. Because yes, they are being abused and their lives are not what they thought it would be but they are alive, they have a roof over their heads and they are being fed. I am not saying it makes sense but this is what goes on, particularly when there are kids involved.
I agree this woman needs to leave but she needs to prepare first. If there are any women's refuges where she lives, she should get in touch. They will help her with a lot of the practical stuff before she leaves and they will give her a place to stay when she leaves. They will also help her with the legalities (severing financial ties so that she is not lumbered with his debts, getting restraining orders, instigating divorce and fighting for alimony if need be). Killerb, I think the best thing that you can do for her is help her to see that her life could be so much better living away from this man. Something will push her to leave him. Eventually.