Man, reading this thread has had an effect on me. My father was abusive and several of my relationships in my 20s were just plane bad choices. Got involved with a biker on a rebound and he beat me up. Had me convinced 2 hours later than not only was it my fault but that he was truly sorry and it would never happen again. 2 weeks later a little light bulb went off in my head. Not only had he been verbally and mentally abusive from the start of the relationship, each event had been worse than the time before. If he left a dent in the kitchen cupboard with the back of my head this time, what would he do next time. I called my mom and told her that I needed help getting out. The next Saturday she came with the police, 3 men from the family, and a moving van. He was out of the apt and in 2 hours all my stuff was in a storage room and I was on my way out of town.
It was years before I could even date again. I vowed I'd never let a man do that to me again. I saw counselors and tried to find a balance in my life but it was hard. Almost 9 years ago now I met a man at work, tall dark and handsome, charmed my socks off. Was everything I wanted a man to be. We eloped when I felt like my friends weren't being supportive of my engagement to him. 4 weeks later I realized that who he had presented himself to be while were were dating was not the man I was married to. I had to decide if I wanted to get the marriage dissolved or stick it out. I stayed and have a son now but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I walked out then. He wasn't bad at first, just occasional fights that were always more harsh than necessary with words targeted to hurt me. It progressed to the point where he started breaking things and I started to look for a way out but couldn't find a job (after the .com bubble burst there were no jobs in my field).
The first time he hit me he managed to make it my fault - I knew it wasn't but forgave him and told him I'd kill him if he ever did it again. He mellowed out for six months. The second time I left as soon as I had a chance. I got help. I called a woman's shelter and talked to a counselor. I found services that were available quietly using other people's phones. I made an escape plan. I made arrangements to file for divorce and got a restraining order and had my mother and uncle there with me when he got served.
It's been over 5 years and I've only made it past the 3rd date once. I just can't get close enough to anyone to trust them. I'm still pretty skittish and have to know someone very well to get close to them. I have hope for the future that there will be someone that doesn't try to save me or rescue me but is patient enough to wait for me.
There are several things that helped me get out.
1 - contact with a domestic violence shelter to get information and facts and support
2 - confiding in a close friend that never said I was a fool to stay or anything derogatory, just that they were there for me when I was ready
3- a plan for escape one plan for the emergency (he's gonna burn the house down I'm gone now scenario) and the scheduled plan ($1000 in the bank he doesn't know about and clothes for me and my son in the trunk of my car)
I ended up doing a sort of somewhere between the two plans. It was hard, it was scary, he threatened to kill me, threatened to kill himself, threatened to move away and never see us again...
The thing that helped me the most was a year of counseling after the separation to help me find myself again and this book:
Amazon.com: It's My Life Now : Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence: Meg Kennedy Dugan, Roger R. Hock: Books
All these people talk about how to get out, but not enough is said about what you do next, which is why so many women go back. They don't feel worthy of better.