Abusive Relationships - would you stay or go?

killerb

Expert Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Nov 13, 2007
Posts
2,090
Media
3
Likes
211
Points
383
Location
USA
Verification
View
Sexuality
99% Straight, 1% Gay
Gender
Male
As for women not leaving, sometimes it's low self-esteem but mostly it's fear and a lack of self-belief that she can make it on her own.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this one statement.

The one good thing here is that she does have at least 2 people telling her that she can indeed make it on her own & that she deserves to live a happier life. She did tell me the other day that she wants to be free & that she is planning to leave, so at least she realizes that she can't keep living the way she is.
 

Nala

Sexy Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Aug 24, 2006
Posts
1,292
Media
6
Likes
37
Points
393
Location
The Netherlands
Verification
View
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Female
Killerb, I would like to thank you for the support you give your friend.

By the time I was ready to break up with my ex-husband (abusive and violent relationship as well) there weren't much friends left who supported me, he tried to isolate me completely and almost succeeded.

I've read many good advises for your friend. Especially when there are children involved, there are so many things to take care of at the same time, she might need all the help she can get to get out of this situation.

In my situation, breaking up made things even worse during the first few months. His behaviour became more violent after he realised the marriage was really over. The kids (2 and 1 yo at the time) and I were under police protection until I managed to get us a house at the other side of the country, where he couldn't find us.

A tumultuous year it was.

I told you, because it is hard to understand what's going on from 'the outside'. It doesn't always end with breaking up (with children involved, it never really ends), it might just be the beginning of a time in which your friend will need you more than before. A simple hug, a good laugh, a night away from all the BS life can be... She'll need it.
 

killerb

Expert Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Nov 13, 2007
Posts
2,090
Media
3
Likes
211
Points
383
Location
USA
Verification
View
Sexuality
99% Straight, 1% Gay
Gender
Male
Thank you, Nala: You've brought up some things I hadn't even considered.

Also, I have taken her out a few times, just to get her mind off things for a little while...and she knows that she can count on me for whatever...
 

Tickled Pink

Experimental Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Posts
665
Media
28
Likes
10
Points
103
Location
Kent, England
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Female
Some of you know that this sort of thing was a very recent occurance for me and I had to get him arrested and he is now in prison (although he is due out around xmas time). He still writes to me (I got a letter today) even tho I have told him it is over he wont let me go, he hasn't even apologised for breaking my nose with his head or scaring the children half to death he still thinks we will be carrying on as before when he gets out!! I have broken my bond with him (last weekend! he he he) but he needs to do the same with me.

I stayed with him for over 2 years of mental and physical abuse because I believed I would never find someone else who found me attractive, now I know differently, this site set me on the right path there, my good freinds helped and a new freind has boosted me enormously!!! Having a plan for your own future helps and of course my boys have kept me relatively sane!
 

B_Think_Kink

Sexy Member
Joined
Oct 25, 2006
Posts
10,419
Media
0
Likes
48
Points
193
Gender
Female
You're fucking insane, get some help.
How the fuck can anyone stand to be near you.
Stop looking like that or I'm going to slap that look off your face.
You're worthless.
You're ugly.
No one should have to be friends with you.
I don't even want to deal with you, why are you so difficult.
I can't make time for you, I don't have time to be you friend.
I can't fucking stand you.
I hate how you act, why are you the way you are.
Get a life.
How will you ever find anyone to be with when you act the way you do.
Don't depend on me, I can't be bothered to deal with you.
You're brain is too fucked up to even be fixable.

.... the list goes on.
 

TinyPrincess

Mythical Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2008
Posts
15,829
Media
2
Likes
31,048
Points
368
Location
Copenhagen (Capital Region, Denmark)
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
if you were in (or HAVE BEEN) in an abusive relationship, what would it take to convince you to leave?

What it would take??? :mad: Even the thought of someone just trying to be abusive would be enough to call it off. And I would literally kick the guys ass if he actually raised his hand.
 

B_Think_Kink

Sexy Member
Joined
Oct 25, 2006
Posts
10,419
Media
0
Likes
48
Points
193
Gender
Female
What it would take??? :mad: Even the thought of someone just trying to be abusive would be enough to call it off. And I would literally kick the guys ass if he actually raised his hand.
Be thankful you are strong enough to be able to resist that way, many of us are not. We depend on these people at first for their caring ability and dependable personalities, they all too soon change, but we still hang on to the hope that they will change back. Please don't see it as flaws in our personalities, we are strong people regardless of the situations we have been through.
 

D_Fiona_Farvel

Account Disabled
Joined
Nov 27, 2007
Posts
3,692
Media
0
Likes
72
Points
133
Sexuality
No Response
What it would take??? :mad: Even the thought of someone just trying to be abusive would be enough to call it off. And I would literally kick the guys ass if he actually raised his hand.
+1. I do not have the personality for it.
Plus, I have been fortunate enough to not attract a controlling or abusive type of partner.

I have supported friends through their issues. One in particular drained me and I decided that I couldn't see her though the journey, but when she decided to permanently* leave I and few others were there.

*she would leave on occasion for a few days or weeks. State she was 'never going back' and then return because he said things would be different. :mad:
 

Drifterwood

Superior Member
Joined
Jun 14, 2007
Posts
18,678
Media
0
Likes
2,812
Points
333
Location
Greece
Why do men abuse?

This is very old hat Runco. Actually, perpetuating the myth that only men are abusive, is in itself abusive, and very unhelpful.

Some people are just thugs and bullies. I don't believe it is anywhere near 50%, but you would be surprised how many "ladies" behave like this and thank you to Pecks for sharing your own experience. Men suffering physical abuse is a taboo subject. But that deserves it's own thread.

The most common form of abuse is control, and why people control is something of great personal interest to me. England has made the mistake of referring to this major problem as domestic violence, which most presume is a men beating women issue. In Scotland, they still call the problem domestic abuse, and therefore catch all the issues, physical, financial, emotional, social etc etc

Thank you the detox and other personal experiences, I am sure they help a lot of people.
 

Principessa

Expert Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2006
Posts
18,660
Media
0
Likes
138
Points
193
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
Hello all: I have a female friend who has been married for almost 20 years...her husband has been physically & emotionally abusive off & on throughout the marriage...just recently he has become more violent...

she knows that she needs to leave and really wants her freedom, but so far she hasn't done it...I've never understood how people could remain in relationships like this so maybe you all have some insight.
You become so beat down by the abuser emotionally that you either:
  • believe it's your fault
  • you believe no one else would want you
  • you believe that you are not worthy of a decent man and love
  • all of the above
my question is, if you were in (or HAVE BEEN) in an abusive relationship, what would it take to convince you to leave?
For me it took the bad significantly out weighing the good. I had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I didn't stay for the great sex, or big cock, or anything else. I stayed because I didn't think I could leave. I stayed because if I left I thought I would cease to exist as a person because we had been a couple for so long.

As an outsider looking in you can't possibly get it. It's commendable that you are still her friend and try to be there for her; but being a victim in an abusive relationship is kind of like being an alcoholic. You have to want to leave and get better for you. Everybody told me to leave Ed for years and I didn't listen. I think part of the problem was that there was no physical abuse. I would like to think that had he raised a hand to me I would have left him and never looked back. :redface: My ex-bf's specialty was verbal and emotional abuse. It crept in stealthily, on cat feet. The first five years or so were great, but the next seven destroyed me.
 

Runco

Experimental Member
Joined
Jun 21, 2008
Posts
574
Media
0
Likes
16
Points
103
Location
London
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Female
This is very old hat Runco. Actually, perpetuating the myth that only men are abusive, is in itself abusive, and very unhelpful.

Some people are just thugs and bullies. I don't believe it is anywhere near 50%, but you would be surprised how many "ladies" behave like this and thank you to Pecks for sharing your own experience. Men suffering physical abuse is a taboo subject. But that deserves it's own thread.

The most common form of abuse is control, and why people control is something of great personal interest to me. England has made the mistake of referring to this major problem as domestic violence, which most presume is a men beating women issue. In Scotland, they still call the problem domestic abuse, and therefore catch all the issues, physical, financial, emotional, social etc etc

Thank you the detox and other personal experiences, I am sure they help a lot of people.

Well actually, in seeking an answer to 'why men abuse' I was addressing a question asked by the person I was responding to. But yes, I agree with the fundamental point that women are capable of being abusive too.
 

ManlyBanisters

Sexy Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2007
Posts
12,253
Media
0
Likes
58
Points
183
What it would take??? :mad: Even the thought of someone just trying to be abusive would be enough to call it off. And I would literally kick the guys ass if he actually raised his hand.

You think that, TP - and by you I don't just mean you but generally, one thinks that about oneself - but you'd be surprised how it creeps in. A small indiscretion here (perhaps a nasty comment said in anger), another small indiscretion there (talking down one friend who perhaps said something that he didn't like and you can see his reasons, I mean he doesn't have to be so down on the person - but maybe you won't call that friend for a while...). You forgive the behaviour. And then perhaps it happens again - and you forgave it the last time so perhaps you'll forgive it this time. And he keeps talking down that friend, and a few others, and you know, maybe he has a point - those people don't seem to want to hang out with you anymore so maybe they really are no good (of course they are actually avoiding him but he has you thinking they are avoiding you). And then when he's stressed he says nasty things - but he doesn't realy mean them...

You see it sneaks in - and between all the nasty stuff there is the person you love and want to share your life with and he's more nice than he is nasty - so you just try not to aggrivate the behaviour... and by the time he is being more nasty than nice you'd be surprised how much the negativity has worn you down and much of the blame you actually take upon yourself.

I can't speak for women and men who have been physically assulted by their partners - but I don't expect it is that different.

It really is not a question of character, of weakness - that would be a very unfair comment to make on all the people who have been emotionally, verbally and physically abused over the course of a relationship. Many of us would have assumed the same about ourselves before the fact too, but it just doesn't work like that.
 

B_Jennuine73

Sexy Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2007
Posts
1,604
Media
0
Likes
76
Points
133
Location
Windsor, Ontario
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Female
I left an abusive home when I was 15 to get with a man who I thought loved me and would "take care of me". He was 10 yrs my senior and very manipulative.

When he told me he thought we should go to Toronto and I could become a prostitute so we could "save money" I couldn't believe it. When he told me "well, you were a slut before you met me so you may as well be paid for it" I slapped his face. After a week of him "convincing" me with promises and vows of love, we travelled to Toronto. Needless to say, it just about killed me hooking. He loved it though, he always had money. When I said I wanted to go home it was always "one more week". I got busted one night and the court date was set. The morning of the court date, he left and came back home. Obviously, it was inconvenient for him to stay. Luckily the charges were dismissed and I didn't get a record.

I moved across the country to get away from him. Stupidly, I kept in contact with him and he convinced me with more vows of love and promises to come home.

I got pregnant, and to give myself some sort of leverage, I told him it might not be his. I did not want to be linked to him the rest of my life. He had kids with another lady and convinced me he could help me and wanted to be in my life.

One day, after not sleeping I told him I needed sleep. I was lying beside him on the bed, him sitting. He turned around and raised his hand to punch me in the stomach. I was able to move in time. It was the last straw. I called a cab and it took me to a women's shelter. The baby died. When I told him about it, while I was still in the hospital, he said "Maybe God killed the baby because it wasn't mine."

At that point, I knew he was insane. He didn't say it to be mean, he said it because he believed it. I never talked to him again.

I was with him because I did not learn what proper boundaries were. I felt like I couldn't take care of myself and he "saved" me from an abusive home. When a person, be it male or female, does not have a high enough feeling of self worth, an abuser can move in and take total advantage.

To the OP- continue being there for her. For the others who shared their stories, I hope that maybe a person who could be in a similar situation to ours reads them and realizes there is hope and life doesn't have to be that way.
 
Last edited:

killerb

Expert Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Nov 13, 2007
Posts
2,090
Media
3
Likes
211
Points
383
Location
USA
Verification
View
Sexuality
99% Straight, 1% Gay
Gender
Male
What it would take??? :mad: Even the thought of someone just trying to be abusive would be enough to call it off. And I would literally kick the guys ass if he actually raised his hand.


I LOVE women like you...:cool:

although in some cases it might only make the guy even MORE violent, I believe that most guys who hit women are afraid of a challenge and might think twice about raising his hand if they know their women will fight back.
 

Hippie Hollow Girl

Expert Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Apr 23, 2006
Posts
606
Media
0
Likes
144
Points
463
Location
Texas, United States of America
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
Sounds like a hard situation.

I will admit that I haven't ever been in any kind of situation like that.

But one thing that you said that bothers me......is that your friends husband has been abusing her in front of her child. That is unacceptable to me. This child is going to grow up thinking that this is normal acceptable behavior for adult couples and the child is likely to go through the same exact thing when she becomes an adult.

Maybe your friend can get some professional help or counseling? I just think she needs to know that she is being a role model for her daughter. Does she want someone treating her daughter the way her husband is treating her? Continue the cycle of abuse?

Anyways I thought I would just put my perspective on it.

I think the reason why she is staying is because she is addicted to something about the guy. Maybe she feels like she deserves the abuse.....Or she is hoping that it will get better.

It is a lot easier to just wish something away......or hope something will change. Doing nothing is a lot easier than the energy it takes to pack up and move.

And if the guy has a temper she may be afraid. It may take a while to build up the courage.......and getting all the ducks in a row may take time too.

Thanks for being her friend.
 

Not_Punny

Superior Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2007
Posts
5,464
Media
109
Likes
3,056
Points
258
Location
California
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
If he attacked her in front of her 5-year old daughter, the only think you should be doing, Killerb, is picking up the phone and calling Child Protective Services.

The woman is irresponsible and has a mental condition. Sorry.

Your job isn't to "be there" to pick up the pieces. Your job is to pick up the phone.

CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES NOW.
 

Hippie Hollow Girl

Expert Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Apr 23, 2006
Posts
606
Media
0
Likes
144
Points
463
Location
Texas, United States of America
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
I personally think something should be said to the mother first.....and if the mother still refuses to leave the spouse and allows her daughter to witness the abuse......then it is something to notify Child Protective Services about.

Some people don't have a clue that they are supposed to be role models......or modeling behavior for their children.

Also.....unless Killerb has witnessed the abuse......how does he know that the women isn't just looking for sympathy. There can be two sides to every story. I have had it happen to me. Friends telling me a sob story so I will give them stuff to help them out. Or they like it that I will listen to them and they get some attention that they don't normally get.
 

Honey123

Sexy Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jan 6, 2007
Posts
1,286
Media
5
Likes
33
Points
393
Location
Aridzona
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
Man, reading this thread has had an effect on me. My father was abusive and several of my relationships in my 20s were just plane bad choices. Got involved with a biker on a rebound and he beat me up. Had me convinced 2 hours later than not only was it my fault but that he was truly sorry and it would never happen again. 2 weeks later a little light bulb went off in my head. Not only had he been verbally and mentally abusive from the start of the relationship, each event had been worse than the time before. If he left a dent in the kitchen cupboard with the back of my head this time, what would he do next time. I called my mom and told her that I needed help getting out. The next Saturday she came with the police, 3 men from the family, and a moving van. He was out of the apt and in 2 hours all my stuff was in a storage room and I was on my way out of town.

It was years before I could even date again. I vowed I'd never let a man do that to me again. I saw counselors and tried to find a balance in my life but it was hard. Almost 9 years ago now I met a man at work, tall dark and handsome, charmed my socks off. Was everything I wanted a man to be. We eloped when I felt like my friends weren't being supportive of my engagement to him. 4 weeks later I realized that who he had presented himself to be while were were dating was not the man I was married to. I had to decide if I wanted to get the marriage dissolved or stick it out. I stayed and have a son now but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I walked out then. He wasn't bad at first, just occasional fights that were always more harsh than necessary with words targeted to hurt me. It progressed to the point where he started breaking things and I started to look for a way out but couldn't find a job (after the .com bubble burst there were no jobs in my field).

The first time he hit me he managed to make it my fault - I knew it wasn't but forgave him and told him I'd kill him if he ever did it again. He mellowed out for six months. The second time I left as soon as I had a chance. I got help. I called a woman's shelter and talked to a counselor. I found services that were available quietly using other people's phones. I made an escape plan. I made arrangements to file for divorce and got a restraining order and had my mother and uncle there with me when he got served.

It's been over 5 years and I've only made it past the 3rd date once. I just can't get close enough to anyone to trust them. I'm still pretty skittish and have to know someone very well to get close to them. I have hope for the future that there will be someone that doesn't try to save me or rescue me but is patient enough to wait for me.

There are several things that helped me get out.
1 - contact with a domestic violence shelter to get information and facts and support
2 - confiding in a close friend that never said I was a fool to stay or anything derogatory, just that they were there for me when I was ready
3- a plan for escape one plan for the emergency (he's gonna burn the house down I'm gone now scenario) and the scheduled plan ($1000 in the bank he doesn't know about and clothes for me and my son in the trunk of my car)

I ended up doing a sort of somewhere between the two plans. It was hard, it was scary, he threatened to kill me, threatened to kill himself, threatened to move away and never see us again...

The thing that helped me the most was a year of counseling after the separation to help me find myself again and this book: Amazon.com: It's My Life Now : Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence: Meg Kennedy Dugan, Roger R. Hock: Books

All these people talk about how to get out, but not enough is said about what you do next, which is why so many women go back. They don't feel worthy of better.