Abusive Relationships

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1017677

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So I happened to be in an extremely toxic relationship. The relationship followed the classic cycle of abuse: love bombing, devaluing, physical and verbal abuse, apologizing, back to love phase. Cycle continues until eventual discard.
My question to those who have experienced this is how did you recover? I feel very leery in general and it's been difficult to form relationships even though I'd like to.
Sexually as a bottom requires trust and allowing yourself to be vulnerable which has also been difficult. Words of encouragement are appreciated.
 
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1017677

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I’m sorry I can’t connect with your story as I have been lucky enough not to be in a similar situation. I, however, felt the need to reach out to you and offer my support in your ordeal.
Thanks for reaching out. I should add I'm no longer in that relationship and haven't been for awhile. That's the positive. The negative is it's had lasting effects. I'm personally in an okay place. I think it's fear of getting hurt again, more than any other reason which has stifled me from moving forward.
 
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Bull9in

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May I suggest therapy or counseling. What you are feeling is normal. It is you trying to protect yourself, as you should. And statistics show that a person in an abusive relationship has a high probability of unwittingly getting into another one. The reasons are as complicated as our psyches, but suffice to say that having someone knowledgable help you through examining this subject can be invaluable in finding a healthy relationship next time.

Good luck, and be well.
 
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May I suggest therapy or counseling. What you are feeling is normal. It is you trying to protect yourself, as you should. And statistics show that a person in an abusive relationship has a high probability of unwittingly getting into another one. The reasons are as complicated as our psyches, but suffice to say that having someone knowledgable help you through examining this subject can be invaluable in finding a healthy relationship next time.

Good luck, and be well.
Thanks for the reply. And hello to a fellow San Diegan. I have been seeing a therapist for awhile and I'm in a much better place. It's having the courage to take the plunge and the confidence in myself. I think it's also finding a man who will be understanding of my past. Its a process lol.
 
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ohiorod

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I have walked a mile, and many more, in your shoes, so I will offer a little advice. When you finally extricate yourself from a relationship like that, it is important to allow significant time to heal. Jumping to the next relationship frequently leads to poor choices. So, it is important to do things exactly like you are doing , such as seeing a therapist, attend groups or even read some excellent self help books that shed light on your past choices and attractions. Then when you feel more liberated and independent and especially strong, you will be in a position to jump back in the pool. Good luck to you!
 
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328982

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So I happened to be in an extremely toxic relationship. The relationship followed the classic cycle of abuse: love bombing, devaluing, physical and verbal abuse, apologizing, back to love phase. Cycle continues until eventual discard.
My question to those who have experienced this is how did you recover? I feel very leery in general and it's been difficult to form relationships even though I'd like to.
Sexually as a bottom requires trust and allowing yourself to be vulnerable which has also been difficult. Words of encouragement are appreciated.
It 'happened' - how? What was your part in it? Who discarded who and why? I think answers to those questions may help to put you in a stronger position for a new relationship.
 
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It 'happened' - how? What was your part in it? Who discarded who and why? I think answers to those questions may help to put you in a stronger position for a new relationship.
I had just come out. He preys on vulnerable individuals and uses them for money and I'm not the first person he's done this too and I'm sure I won't be the last. The why is I don't think enough of myself. It was also new and exciting being with a man. I was definitely blinded by love. But he didn't love me at all. He's just a user and abuser. I think for me it's self doubt and fear stopping me from moving on. Also extreme physical abuse which I endured does extreme things to your mental health. You learn to put up barriers to protect yourself. So I guess the real question is when will I be ready to let my guard down and open up and do so knowing full well that I have the tools now to spot the red flags.
 
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Bull9in

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I had just come out. He preys on vulnerable individuals and uses them for money and I'm not the first person he's done this too and I'm sure I won't be the last. The why is I don't think enough of myself. It was also new and exciting being with a man. I was definitely blinded by love. But he didn't love me at all. He's just a user and abuser. I think for me it's self doubt and fear stopping me from moving on. Also extreme physical abuse which I endured does extreme things to your mental health. You learn to put up barriers to protect yourself. So I guess the real question is when will I be ready to let my guard down and open up and do so knowing full well that I have the tools now to spot the red flags.
It is stories like this that make me realize I am not nearly as evolved as I would like to believe of myself. I wish terrible things to happen to people who abuse others like this.

I give you all the props in the world, @zoltar34. I do not think, if I were in your position, that I would ever even poke my nose out the door, let alone think of trying again (I mean this very seriously). I think that means you are quite strong, and one day, will find the relationship you're looking for. Take your time, be gentle with yourself, and find your balance. Then, you can find your man.
 
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223790

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So I happened to be in an extremely toxic relationship. The relationship followed the classic cycle of abuse: love bombing, devaluing, physical and verbal abuse, apologizing, back to love phase. Cycle continues until eventual discard.
My question to those who have experienced this is how did you recover? I feel very leery in general and it's been difficult to form relationships even though I'd like to.
Sexually as a bottom requires trust and allowing yourself to be vulnerable which has also been difficult. Words of encouragement are appreciated.

What you're describing is someone with classic NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) - love bombing, devaluing and discarding. I was in this type of relationship before with a bromance who I considered my best friend. It wasn't a sexual/intimate relationship like yours, but we were so close it could have easily gone there (we did do a little fondling one night when drunk in bed together but that was as far as it went). There wasn't any physical abuse because I could have easily kicked his ass, but there was verbal abuse in addition to the emotional and psychological trauma he put through that still has lingering effects on me to this day. About two years ago I decided to kick him out of my life for good by disconnecting with him online. He checks my profile anonymously on a regular basis, but I ignore it. Narcissists like to discard (which he did to me before), but they cannot handle being discarded which is probably why he checks up on me regularly. I still think about him regularly, but I have started telling myself to stop once he pops into my mind. If I think about it too much, it drags up all of those feelings of intense hurt and anger I have towards him.

I didn't discover until recently that he had NPD. Suddenly all of his weird ass bullshit behavior started making sense. He fit the profile perfectly. Someone with NPD cannot change, so continuing any relationship with someone who has it is futile. I know that you are no longer in this relationship (which is great by the way). You just have to be sure to recognize the warning signs if you should happen to encounter someone like this again. If the signs are there, get away from that person as fast as you can. I'm more guarded now when I meet new guys. I couldn't ever go through something like this ever again. The emotional pain is excruciating and permanent. Best of luck to you man.
 
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1017677

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It is stories like this that make me realize I am not nearly as evolved as I would like to believe of myself. I wish terrible things to happen to people who abuse others like this.

I give you all the props in the world, @zoltar34. I do not think, if I were in your position, that I would ever even poke my nose out the door, let alone think of trying again (I mean this very seriously). I think that means you are quite strong, and one day, will find the relationship you're looking for. Take your time, be gentle with yourself, and find your balance. Then, you can find your man.
@Bull9in thanks for the words of encouragement
 
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1017677

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What you're describing is someone with classic NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) - love bombing, devaluing and discarding. I was in this type of relationship before with a bromance who I considered my best friend. It wasn't a sexual/intimate relationship like yours, but we were so close it could have easily gone there (we did do a little fondling one night when drunk in bed together but that was as far as it went). There wasn't any physical abuse because I could have easily kicked his ass, but there was verbal abuse in addition to the emotional and psychological trauma he put through that still has lingering effects on me to this day. About two years ago I decided to kick him out of my life for good by disconnecting with him online. He checks my profile anonymously on a regular basis, but I ignore it. Narcissists like to discard (which he did to me before), but they cannot handle being discarded which is probably why he checks up on me regularly. I still think about him regularly, but I have started telling myself to stop once he pops into my mind. If I think about it too much, it drags up all of those feelings of intense hurt and anger I have towards him.

I didn't discover until recently that he had NPD. Suddenly all of his weird ass bullshit behavior started making sense. He fit the profile perfectly. Someone with NPD cannot change, so continuing any relationship with someone who has it is futile. I know that you are no longer in this relationship (which is great by the way). You just have to be sure to recognize the warning signs if you should happen to encounter someone like this again. If the signs are there, get away from that person as fast as you can. I'm more guarded now when I meet new guys. I couldn't ever go through something like this ever again. The emotional pain is excruciating and permanent. Best of luck to you man.
@AG08 Yes. Definitely a narc and he still tries to make contact. Sorry what you have been through. It does help to hear from people who have been through this. Sometimes you just need that validation which you can't get from people who haven't experienced it. Keep thriving!
 

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Physical violence is a deal-breaker for me. It's not something I'm willing to forgive, leave in the past, or write off as a one-time thing. I made all of this clear to my husband while we were dating, and during an argument, he raised his fist to me. I loudly let him know that if he hit me I was leaving and I would never see or speak to him again. When he realized how close he was to crossing the line, he backed up and let me leave the room. I slept in the guestroom for 2 weeks.

It's not acceptable. I know for some people it's not easy to leave, but when your well being and safety are at risk, living out of your car is the better choice.
 

tito21

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Physical violence is a deal-breaker for me. It's not something I'm willing to forgive, leave in the past, or write off as a one-time thing. I made all of this clear to my husband while we were dating, and during an argument, he raised his fist to me. I loudly let him know that if he hit me I was leaving and I would never see or speak to him again. When he realized how close he was to crossing the line, he backed up and let me leave the room. I slept in the guestroom for 2 weeks.

It's not acceptable. I know for some people it's not easy to leave, but when your well being and safety are at risk, living out of your car is the better choice.

Good on you for sticking to your gun (no pun intended).

If any guy ever thought of raising his hand or fist at me. I’ll dump his ass right there. No second chance or wait for him to explain his intention, no matter how you sugar coat it, thinking of physically hitting someone is to cause them pain, emotionally and physically. And i’ll never put up with that, especially not from the man that i love. When you love someone, you don’t hit them, EVER! I’ll take bullet for him and if he can’t do the same for me. Best to stay as friends and nothing more. That’s how i see it though.
 

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Good on you for sticking to your gun (no pun intended).

We've been together 11 years now. That was 9 years ago. He begged me to move back into the bedroom with him. I told him it will happen when I feel safe again, not before. We've fought and screamed at each other over the years, but he's never raised his fist to me again. I saw physical violence between my mother and step father when I was a teen and I vowed that I would NEVER put up with it myself.
 
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@Infernal I was brought up that we never touch someone in anger especially hitting. I have no idea why I stayed but I feel fortunate that I didn't stay longer. The average victim of domestic violence goes back 7 times before leaving or they end up being hurt badly. I went back once after a major event. Second time I left. But when I think about the daily verbal and pushing I wonder what in the hell was I thinking. Being my first experience with a man he said this was the way things were. Love will do crazy things to you and logic goes out the window.
 

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Love will do crazy things to you and logic goes out the window.

That's your answer right there. Growing up we're taught that things in life have a particular order. Math is always predictable, science follows rules, the sun always rises in the east and sets in the west, and so on. Emotions are irrational and illogical and they make us do crazy things.
 
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So I happened to be in an extremely toxic relationship. The relationship followed the classic cycle of abuse: love bombing, devaluing, physical and verbal abuse, apologizing, back to love phase. Cycle continues until eventual discard.
My question to those who have experienced this is how did you recover? I feel very leery in general and it's been difficult to form relationships even though I'd like to.
Sexually as a bottom requires trust and allowing yourself to be vulnerable which has also been difficult. Words of encouragement are appreciated.

One day I woke up and I realize that I was wasting my time and giving away my youth on someone who should have been in jail.