According to plan...

Rugbypup

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Did your life so far go according to plan?

Are you happy with how things turned out for you?

Are you the best you that you could be?

I wonder how many of us reach a point in life were you stop and take stock of where you've come from, where you're heading, your life in general and think, yep, this is exactly as I planned it.

I'm not sure I could say yes to any of the above.

With an exception of a handful of life changing events that I hope I helped introduce to my life, none of it was planned, at all it seems.

By now, I thought I would be married with children and a dog, own my own home and have a spectacular job that paid a shit load of money and all in the town I grew up in. At least that was the social imprinted and expected template of life that I thought I had to ad hear to as I was growing up.

A template punctuated by mile stones that everyone expects of you in life. A girlfriend, loose your virginity, a string of girlfriends, a group of close male friends, beer and sports, a wild 18th birthday party, topped only by your 21st birthday party, a steady girlfriend, university, a great job, an engagement, a stag night, being a best man for your closest friend, the big promotion at work, getting married, having children, buying your own hope, ect ect.

None of that happened, not for me, and as a younger man growing up, it was a hell of a shock when your life isn't as socially expected and planned, more so when it seems to be happening for those around you.

It turns out my life took a path that there was just not a plan for and it amazes me just how men cope with an almost sense of betrayal when we have to come to terms with who we become, outside of the social and cultural expectations of our families, our peers.

Am I jealous of men that have the stereotypical heterosexual male life, I kinda am, yes.

My life so far has really felt like hard work, emotional pain, missed out, left out and just unforfilled. Don't get me wrong, I've achieved a lot, done a lot, come a long way emotionally and personally and done reasonably well, and 8 times out of 10 a happy with the unexpected journey of my life.

But don't you ever wonder, what am I doing? What's next? Where am I going? It's seems still so much clearer for the stereotypical heterosexual man than for the gay guy whose life never followed the conventional milestones of your average joe.

I wonder...
 
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The truth is "where you are going" is the ground or a large urn, the same as everyone else.

I think people tend to forget the idea of impermanence in life. Societal goals are incorrect for the lives of most, and by focussing on what you don't have will only lead to you suffering.

The life you lead is your own, you certainly should not try and attain someone else's idea of a fulfilled life.

I'm not where I thought I would be at this age, but I'm equally happy with it. One day I'll die and will be happy that I lived the way I wanted to.
 
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Did your life so far go according to plan?

YES and NO

Are you happy with how things turned out for you?

YES

Are you the best you that you could be?

NO. Improvement is a continuous process


I wonder how many of us reach a point in life were you stop and take stock of where you've come from, where you're heading, your life in general and think, yep, this is exactly as I planned it.

Not what I thought, but good nonetheless.


With an exception of a handful of life changing events that I hope I helped introduce to my life, none of it was planned, at all it seems.

Life rarely goes according to plan for anyone.

By now, I thought I would be married with children and a dog, own my own home and have a spectacular job that paid a shit load of money and all in the town I grew up in.

Married - yes
Children - no, but my wife and I didn't really want them
Dog - yes, 2 of them
Own my own home - yes, but not free and clear (mortgaged until I retire)
Spectacular job - no, but I have a better job than I ever expected to have.
Shit loads of money - no, but I earn about $20,000 more than the national average, so I'm satisfied.
Same town I grew up in - no, it's a shithole that I left back in 1989 and never looked back

In my opinion, people need to be more realistic about their expectations out of life. When people buy into other people's ideas of what that is, they are headed for disappointment. Normally these expectations come from people who have never realized themselves (aka: parents) who are living vicariously through their children. Just as an example of how kids expectations are out of whack with reality was when a local TV news crew interviewed high school kids about what they expected after graduating high school. It was shocking how many of them thought they would earn "100 grand" (per year). When they were informed that the average post secondary grad earned on average $32,000/year to start, the kid asked "What does post secondary mean?" And this kid thought he would earn $100 grand/year with just a high school diploma? It makes me wonder where these unrealistic expectations come from. I suspect it's from thier parents. I remember one guy at my gym telling everyone how he was telling his kid to go to university because he would earn $100 grand per year after graduation - BULLSHIT! BTW, what does his father do? He drives an airport limo. Again, living vicariously through his kid by filling his kid's head with nonsense, and totally setting him up for disappointment.

There are a lot of people out there living the life that you might think is ideal, but are miserable. They are married to someone they hate, resent their kids, and working long hours to make the big bucks to the point that they miss out on what's really important in life.

As the old expression goes, focus on what you do have rather than you don't. That is the key to happiness. There will always be people who have more than you, and there will always be people who have less.
 
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Petrolhead

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i understand what you are saying but life changes all the time. my life turned out better thsn i could have imagined but it was not what i had planned! and i didn't realise i was gay till much later. not sure if that was a good or bad thing...

anyway i think we have to seize the chances life presents us with and no regrets!!! after all, we're not finished yet and, just possibly, the best is yet to be
 

nudeyorker

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Did your life so far go according to plan? Yes and no, I dreamed my dreams and planned my plans but here and there I got blindsided by events and circumstances that I never imagined but tried to make the best possible choices possible. Because of these choices at times I took some twists and turns and traveled down roads I had not planned but the experience and those I met along the way brought me to where I am now.

Are you happy with how things turned out for you? Yes for the most part. There are people I miss each and every day and it's been a life lesson not to feel the deep sadness and pain from the loss but to remember the richness of how they filled and shaped my life and who I am now.

Are you the best you that you could be? I try but when I sometimes question it I realize that I have many roads still to travel and oceans to cross and take the lessons learned and pack them for the next part of the voyage.
 

Hoss

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I had no plan. Life happened and I went with the flow which sometimes has been good and sometimes not so good but it's all good since it has brought me to where I am now which is a good and happy place.
 

LaFemme

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Did your life so far go according to plan?

Absolutely not. Never married and never had kids. Didn't even finish with the degree I started out to get.

Are you happy with how things turned out for you?

Pretty much. Yes, it would have been nice to have found a partner, but I'd rather be single than spend one day in a miserable marriage. And looking at what my options were - misery is would have been the end result. I made a conscious choice not to be a single parent and chose another route to satisfy that yearning.

And I have a very satisfying career and am moving into a new challenging phase.

Are you the best you that you could be?

I am always growing. I never stagnate and always focus on learning, self-reflecting and moving on. I never make the same mistakes twice!

I think everyone comes to point where they take stock of their lives and wonder if this is all there is. Maybe I'll never be a rock star or win an Oscar. Maybe I'll never marry. But I have always made every decision in my life consciously with the best information I had at the time. I am content (but not complacent) and that's pretty good!