I would venture to say that bisexual men have made up about 3/4th's of my clients over the years and gays only 25%. What is surprising to me are the guys who wait till they are anywhere from 40 to 70 to try their first time bi.
I'd venture to say a lot of this is determined by history and human nature. If we look at life etc. about 20-30 years ago, we find that:
- People didn't question religious teachings as much as they do today...so there was more of a puritan approach in families: Sex was considered dirty, masturbation was seen to sinful and homosexuality was a downright abomination.
- Societal norms were homophobic in nature. 'Nuff said.
- Little was known about bisexuality. There was a general approach of "choose a side".
This sets the background against which human nature comes to play:
- The guy is faced with an attraction for women and takes it for granted. There's a niggling feeling but, "it's impossible because me likey women a lot".
- He is an environment that makes him aware that he stands to be rejected and victimized, so he finds it easier to focus on his attraction to women whilst trying to suppress his attraction for men...after all, there's a stronger pull towards women...
- He meets a girl, falls in love with her and loves her so much that he believes that his love for her will remove his attraction for men.
So to a large degree, he has opted to be in a relationship with a woman, but uninformed choices have been made in the midst of it all. He is misguided into believing that he can choose to be straight and therefore hasn't considered ways where he can live out his bisexuality in a monogamous and constructive manner. All in all, these feelings and desires have been repressed and there's no outlet...so the pressure builds and builds and builds until eventually the lid blows. By now, the feelings/desires/urges have intensified to a degree where he doesn't have much control over it. So either he acts out at this point. Or else he spends several years experiencing an internal war while he tries to keep things in check...until he can't fight any more. Or else he gets older and becomes aware of his mortality; with his awareness that his life is starting to draw to a close, he feels that he needs to experience his reality in all entirety before he passes away.
In this context, I've seen the opposite take place as well. The guy feels as if he is forced to pick a side. He believes that since there's an attraction to men, it means that he is gay. And after many years of being gay, his attraction for women surfaces.
I've been talking to a bi guy recently where both instances have been at play in his life. He opted to ignore his attraction to men (partly because he was sexually abused by a man when he was 8). He got married and their marriage wasn't a happy one. It led to his attraction for men surfacing. Since there was little knowledge about bisexuality, he thought that he was gay, came out to his wife as being gay. She made him become part of the gay world and accept his homosexuality while they were in the process of getting divorced. However, he never felt as if he belonged to the gay world; there was a big disconnect. He realised that he had a stronger sense of belonging in the straight world, so he returned to it. He got married and shared all of this to his wife. He's in his mid forties and it's only about three weeks ago where he was exposed to enough information about bisexuality, for him to have a lightbulb moment and realise that he is in actual fact bi. This realisation has given him a huge sense of relief because he now fully understands himself and has found his place in this world.
In this day and age, there's much more openness and a greater awareness of bisexuality. Much as there's progress, some patterns remain unchanged:
Young men are either coming out to their girlfriends who make it clear that they don't have a problem with their bisexuality, but expect them to be monogamous. Between the strength of their emotions and sense that this is the beginning and all because they may not find another partner accepting of their bisexuality, they are rushing into things without considering the implications etc. Or else there are guys who keep their bi status hidden with the belief that they'll be able to keep things under control. Little do they know...
A classic example is a guy that I've been exposed to of late. He's been sexually active with men. He's met a woman and because he'd like to eventually settle down with her, he came out to her. She initially felt betrayed, but once she came to terms with it, she made it clear that he has to be monogamous and that they will need to take things more slowly. He's over the moon but at the same time, he's subconsciously expressing his unhappiness at how things stand to play out. He talked about being "locked in" at one point. I suggested that he examines what he'd said and consider the implications of going ahead with things, but I was ignored. I give that relationship 5 years max. Things will play out in one of two ways:
He's going to be unhappy and he'll eventually blame her subconsciously for his unhappiness...which will bleed into resentment and anger....so they'll either disconnect emotionally or they will fight until they get divorced. Or else he'll end up cheating on her because the urges will intensify until he no longer has any control over them.
The sad part is that I wasn't suggesting that he ends his relationship...and I think that this is where a lot of bi men trip themselves up. If they only stopped and spent enough time looking at the situation and how things stand to play out whilst bringing them to making informed decisions that are made with conviction, then they'd have a better chance of dealing with things constructively. There's a big difference between embarking upon something with a mindset of being powerless and one of being empowered by the choice that has been made.
The second thing, would be to find constructive ways for them to live out their bisexuality whilst being monogamous in their relationships. It could be finding a local bi support group and joining it. Finding an online bi community and joining them. Making friends with bi men and meeting for coffee...so that they can share experiences/hardship etc. I know that this works because I've seen it work; I am friends with two married bi men who are out to their wives who have accepted them but expect them to be monogamous. In the one instance, he visits me regularly and he unloads about how lonely and isolated he feels because of being bi. My other buddy and I meet for coffee about once or twice a month...and we spend hours talking about being bi, perving over hot guys that walk past us etc. That's their way of ensuring that the lid stays off so that pressure doesn't build up inside of them until it's too late.
One of the biggest contributing factors is that feeling isolated and lonely is a general norm for bi men, especially ones who are either closeted or expected to be monogamous. There is no visible bi community out there. The only time when one encounters bi men would be if one were to look for a hookup. The problem is that the isolation and loneliness leads to anxiety. Men tend to be more sexually active/horny when they are anxious...so now a vicious cycle is at play. The isolation and loneliness leads to anxiety...which leads to raging hormones and possibly urges for men to surface...which leads to trying to suppress them...which leads to even more anxiety...and the cycle becomes more and more vicious...and then finally....BOOM! The lid blows and things aren't as controllable any more...
