Adapting to Preference

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by D_Drew Peacock, Oct 3, 2009.

  1. D_Drew Peacock

    D_Drew Peacock New Member

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    This is a question for the ladies, and I expect this to take some bizarre turns especially when the guys chip in. Just remember I am asking the women, and that is why I am asking in this forum.

    So here is the deal: My wife hates oral sex. She does not go down on me and she doesn't even like it much when I give her a tongue bath. The one time she really let go and let me go at it, she came several times, but she has never been comfortable enough to let me stay down there long enough since. I let her know she is beautiful and that I really enjoy her appearance and her flavor, it is just she has a hangup about germs and all that. For her, cock to pussy is what she wants, and a face near either place grosses her out. She is grossed out by her mouth being on my genitals, and also by kissing a mouth that was recently kissing her pussy lips (even if it is freshly washed.)

    Ok now. After 26 years, this is highly unlikely to change. I have decided that it is not helpful to try to pressure her or convince her otherwise. We have read books together, talked about it and all that. We have communicated. The reality is she likes my dick between her pussy lips, but not anywhere else, and she does not and will not be the kind of woman that gets turned on by looking at or playing with my cock. Don't bother telling me how to change her mind or sell her on trying things differently, after 26 years it ain't gonna happen. One hand-job was more than she felt comfortable giving and it was more than 20 years ago. The only sex we are going to have is vaginal penetration and my hand on her clit to get her to cum.

    The question is, how do I adapt to giving up on something I always thought I wanted? I am NOT going to go outside the relationship for this. I actually tried that 5 years ago and it was a total unmitigated disaster in every way. The personal, professional, and relationship wreckage was immense and there is still a lot on the deck cluttering up life. Even if everyone in the world but me was getting a blowjob (and that is just a stupid lie from the porn industry) it would still not be worth tossing the marriage for one.

    I love my wife. She is a good person, a devoted mother and a loving spouse who cares for me in many ways. She just has some hangups around sex. I am not willing to throw away my family, lose my kids, get subjected to the hell of searching around for someone new, basically restart my life again at the age of fifty one. I just want to learn to let go of a silly selfish dream and be happy with the good I have.

    There it is. Maybe I just need to talk it out in the open to adjust my attitude. I don't want to be resentful. I don't want to expect my way into feeling ugly or unwanted because In my mind I know I am neither of those things. I just don't want my emotions to keep beating themselves up over this.

    There we go. Flame away all you oral sex lovers, but if anyone has something that might be helpful, I would appreciate it. I am struggling with this.
     
  2. B_chubsy1

    B_chubsy1 New Member

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    Hi Blue, thanks for the comments by the way!

    I'm afraid I don't have any answers for you, as a woman who loves giving and receiving oral sex I really can't help, I have no hang ups about germs etc, never having knowingly caught anything from oral!

    You say your wife won't change and don't expect her to and you're not prepared to cheat, don't know what the answer is, sorry! Maybe get her to talk to someone in the know to convince her it's ok to go down!

    Good luck!

    K xx
     
  3. D_Drew Peacock

    D_Drew Peacock New Member

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    You are most welcome for the comments. The counselling route is closed right now for budgetary reasons. Rebuilding one's life is very expensive. I come from a poorly paid profession and am working my way up the short ladder of another one. I wish I loved accounting or something else lucrative like plumbing. Maybe I need to just keep open for opportunities to be more creative.

    Thanks for the input. It is just helpful knowing someone else is aware, I don't feel as alone in it.
     
  4. B_Dustydo

    B_Dustydo New Member

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    You poor Bastard.
    That would be sheer hell and I really feel for you.
     
  5. D_Drew Peacock

    D_Drew Peacock New Member

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    Well Dustydo

    Umm, thanks. I think I tend to blow it up out of proportion actually. Oral is just one type of sex act. She still likes it inside her pussy. It just would be nice to have her look at it with desire once in a while and not to have to feel disgusting. She will touch it briefly in the shower so maybe I should take advantage of that and try some gentle behaviorist nudging, as long as I can do that without being manipulative.
     
  6. dolfette

    Gold Member

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    kudos, mate.
    it's not easy to accept a spouse's hang ups.

    i feel for you both.
    she can't help hating it.
    you can't help wanting it.
    nobody is in the wrong.

    life is unfair that way.
     
  7. D_Dick_Dock_Doe

    D_Dick_Dock_Doe Account Disabled

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    Whoa, that is a tough one, dude. I don't have any advice for you, but I do feel for you.
     
  8. beachbum1971

    beachbum1971 Member

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    The fact that you are willing settle with doing without is a sign of true love. Does she care if you get a fleshlight or a toy? It's supposed to be the next best thing. I don't think any relationship is perfect. I guess you knew about this when you married her and hoped that it would change, but if she doesn't want to change, you count your blessings that she is great in every other way.
     
  9. D_Drew Peacock

    D_Drew Peacock New Member

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    Sorry, you guess wrong. I found out as the first year went on. We are pretty old-fashioned I guess. I married as a virgin and so did she.
     
  10. L_Lynn

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    Blue, it seems you already have decided. Now you just need to accept your decision and focus on all the good things you do have in your marriage. The things you mentioned are her issues, and they are not an "issue" for her so you're right- it's unlikely to change. I have known a number of men in similar situations, most of them not having ANY sex or affection for years. Be grateful for what you have. It may not be everything you ever wanted, but who has a 26 year marriage like that anyway?
     
  11. D_Drew Peacock

    D_Drew Peacock New Member

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    Thank you Lynn. In fact, I think I will head upstairs right away as soon as I shave and see if there is some enjoyment to salvage out of the weekend. I may get to poke her pretty pussy yet tonight.
     
  12. Drifterwood

    Gold Member

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    Is there a sex toy that you could get as a substitute?
     
  13. Symphonic

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    Just psychologically replace one action with another. Instead of oral sex try some bondage play or something else. A mutual consensus can override this.
     
  14. bronchoboy

    bronchoboy New Member

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    Blue, your passion for your wife and family really inspires me. I am engaged and set to get married in May. While we're trying to abstain and do really well for the most part.. you know how us kids (I'm 25, she's 24) are sometimes.

    I guess as some one who has gotten a lot more bjs than actual sex (tho I've had too much of each to count, sadly), I feel "blowsies" are over-rated. They're great and all, but they pale in comparison to the connection of sex. The passion and zeal for your love, the one you would share that part of you with, etc. etc. insert additional cheesy romantic crap here, however true it may be.. cheesy to discuss... Not to mention: sex feels SO much better (granted, I've only been blown by maybe 6 or 7 people so sure, there's someone out there who is the BEST at blowing etc. etc.), but I think you're on the right track. Keep your eyes on the prize: good marriage, family, and future.

    In 26 years I can only hope that my bride will still want me!

    side note: i am sure you've discussed it to no end with your wife, but surely there is a compromise. perhaps there is a way to please yourself with or without her (monogamously of course) and you two can find an understanding that she is ok with. Because as your wife, surely she wants you to be happy and satisfied. Good luck finding that common ground between your sexual fulfillment, her desire to please you, and you respecting her pet peeves. I'm really interested where you guys land on the issue! Best of luck!
     
  15. D_Drew Peacock

    D_Drew Peacock New Member

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    LOL! ROFLMAO!!!! Bondage? WAY too kinky. But thanks for the perspective. One thing we should do more of is outdoor sex. Been too long since we had a chance for that, and it will have to wait for spring now or risk severe frostbite.
     
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