Adult heterosexual males needed

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Gisella, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. Gisella

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    Why I need perspective, guidance, wisdom, feedback from them? Because I would always run to my Dad's arms when things were bad...my mother had different type of influence in me and she too run to him...and to her Dad...I run to my Granpa too...there is much confort, sense and security in adult males arms and words. My own Dad is very far away..my brother too.. I dont have any strong man near by me for a long while...

    I'm not saying other men sexual preferences are less masculine..no, but with heterosexual adult men I dont need to deal with stuff that is out of my reality as an heterosexual woman...is that many times I see that non heterosexual males are still dealing and struggling with their own sexuality and still in process to make peace with themselves or name themselves and etc...them to me as much they are males they may are struggling inside themselves...I dont need to get into more struggles right now I need adult mature males perspectives.

    My bf is a guy that is kind of mess up personal life I'm discovering...he does not have good relationship with his Mom and went to live with relatives at 17...plus he Dad died when he was 8 and he had a step father until he was 16, he did avoid to talk about...now he said he is mess up and send text message saying:" he is rude, irresponsable, imature, childish, unemotional, lack ability to love..need work, dont know what to do, is scared..want to be a man and responsable...and that his father did not teach him those things..."

    I dont want to deal with him or any man on the making anymore...I do think he has to start by finding profissional couseling/terapy and reach to his Mom, step Dad and etc...is to much heavy stuff and foreigner to me...I want to be his friend but I dont want have romantic relationship with him anymore...this is the second time we brake up...and the tv games were only a drop that fill my bucket not the motive of course...than what I thought was cultural differences in behaviour was trully red flags in his attitudes because of unresolved issues way back...

    I still find myself emotionaly recent divorcee, almost 2 1/2 years too stress to deal with heavy issues..I'm still recuperating myself of my own craps and etc..I dont need complications but simplicity and clear people..is it too much to ask???:confused:
     
  2. rob_just_rob

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    No, it's not too much to ask.

    I know it sounds hard, but it can be just too much to ask to try to 'fix' a person who is broken, emotionally or otherwise. Particularly if the person involved doesn't see the problem and isn't willing to work on it themselves. I know, because I've tried to do it.

    Hang in there. It sucks to go through something like this, but while everyone has their own issues, you WILL find someone who is better adjusted...
     
  3. Yorkie

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    Sorry to hear your problem Gisella.The loss of a parent at 8 years old is not something I've had to deal with but I'd imagine your childhood ends at that point and you spend the next years, possibly decades,trying to deal with it.
    If he doesn't want to seek professional help for his problems it won't be possible to force him,as Rob says.
    In the short time I've been here,from the posts of yours that I've read I don't think you're the kind of person who has trouble finding new friends.
    Just keep the friendship casual until you're sure you've found someone worth more than that.
    To reiterate what Rob says (again!),hang in there.:wink:
     
  4. Lordpendragon

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    Most of us travel with baggage - some lighter than others.

    Personally I prefer people who travel light. This may seem unfair on people who have issues to deal with in their lives. But the problem comes when their issues dominate everything and they can't see anything else. This is all pretty similar to my giving taking and sharing thread.

    It may seem outdated machismo mentality, but I think we (men) would still expect ourselves to have strength when needed. We of course have our weak moments and then I don't think that it is unreasonable to expect support from a partner.

    It is a question of your limits in being a blanket and knowing the balance of give and take that works for you.

    If you exude a strong character you can attract people who wish you as a cradle.
     
  5. D_Sheffield Thongbynder

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    Gisella, almost every person I know has been exposed to enough harrowing experiences to become riddled with self-doubts or dysfunctional. My friends and I certainly fall into that category. Yet these very people were able to get past it and confronted life, becoming stronger in the process. While I don't condemn weakness of character, I surely don't admire it. Any person with a bad homelife probably needs some kind of help, whether it be professional or support from friends. But anyone who wallows in the aftermath of the problems is being somewhat self-indulgent, IMO. Need help? Get it. That simple. There are plenty of men out there who aren't needy. Sensitive and vulnerable? Yes. That is part of strength of character. I hope you don't follow in the pattern of my sister, who is repeatedly attracted to needy men that are incapable of sustaining a relationship because they are so self-absorbed. Good luck, Gisella. You deserve better. John
     
  6. Wonderboy

    Wonderboy New Member

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    Well I'm in a similar situation to your bf...either my 'dad' died before I was born, or he's alive and just doesn't give a shit. And then there are other family problems etc.

    It's probably why I'm a bit shy and quiet, or crave attention and affection from girls...

    Anyway yeah some help would...help :p

    Apparently hypnotism is good, I tried that and I can see how it would work (they check your past to find a 'root cause' and remove it). But CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) is another good one, I went on a short group therapy course for anxiety and it helped, although I still probably need a psychiatrist for certain familial and other issues I have.

    Although I don't let them affect me and hardly think about them. I don't think I ever used to, unless someone would say 'where's your dad? I heard he's in prison gettin raped' or 'why don't you go and hang yourself like your dad' etc (lots of conflicting stories about father, as you can tell).

    By all outward appearances though I'm happy and funny (to some people anyway), good to get along with, caring etc. Which is basically how it is now. I'm on a course (MCSE) and soon as I pass these first two exams in the next month or two I'll be working on a nice salary (hopefully).

    I think all you could do is advise him to get help, if he doesn't want to then you can't force him...but it would be a good idea. Maybe a psychiatrist now that I think about it. I guess he'd have to research it.

    Good luck to you both.

    My ex and myself used to keep getting back together but she wasn't happy with me (why can't you do this, why can't you be this, why can't you be that etc) and that would upset me so it was no good for either of us.

    Definitely have a break from each other, at least until he can manage his feelings, understand them and cope.:wink:
     
  7. Mumzi

    Mumzi New Member

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    Don't have a real answer for you,but my hubby feels that men who have a poor relationship with their mom can have problems relating to the female in their life. It would be the same for a woman. He stipulates "may", that is not a given, just a possibility.
     
  8. Gisella

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    Thank you everybody!

    What is confusing some times is that he is a men that is brillant in profissional,academic and social life he does great in those areas...and like many man he looks have eveything under control...sure he keep to himself stuff many men do that...and after 1 1/2 knowing each other and he giving bits little bits of his stuff...he comes with an emotional avalanche...

    I have in me strong family values and one thing I always like to observe is man intereactions with their families etc...and when he told me he cut his mother off his life and did no talk to her at same time I found that strange I do understand that families can be very dysfuctional with heavy stuff to deal with...I try to respect his timing to open up...but he never did..as his father death he said 1 month ago...he talked about his step father as Dad...

    I tend to attract hard working sucessul responsable males in their professions but they have emotional skeletons in the closet (and like too much alchool) it seems... but trait in males that I admire are: sucess in what they do plus academics and the confidence that comes with it..I like and enjoy companionship and exchanges with males leaders very much.

    Well, I'm single and plan to have just friendships for a big while...and even when I take so long in choosing I do choose man 'wrong' it seems, and want to just have great guy to exchange, learn, fun and lots of sex ...I dont understand and know how to have different results and change things in this matter...

    I'm close for balance...

    Thanks again for input and help of you all !
     
  9. Deanboy73

    Deanboy73 Active Member

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    Gisella, hang in there, you will meet somebody who is right for you in due time. I know what you mean by strong family values, I've always been close to my family and never understood with people choose to stop speaking to a relative, because of a mistake they made in the past or over money ( that's the worst ). No matter how mad I get at my siblings we always make up. I also admire anyone who is willing to forgive a relative for something bad they did, or willing to at least stay in touch. Family values I feel are very important in a relationship, especially if you eventually want to start a family of your own. :redface:
     
  10. Fredneck1951

    Fredneck1951 Member

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    Gisella, I certainly sympathize with you. We generally lack the cross-generational friendships that can provide perspective, support and understanding these days. In the USA, when it's an older man providing that to a younger person (male or female) we refer to that person as a Dutch Uncle, or Father Confessor, or mentor, rabbi, coach etc. The fractured nature of so many families today make it even tougher.

    I know some people that say that unless at least one partner came from an intact home, the relationship is likely doomed. I don't know if I'd go for that, but maybe.

    Hey, how about Lula? He won easily! I know his administration has not been trouble-free, but what a comfort to know that your President is a humble man who understands what the least of society's lives are like. I am jealous of that!
     
  11. Gisella

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    Thank you very much Dean and Fred...yes, I love family life and enjoy clan of wisdom mentors, teachers and etc...

    I wish to go to adventure with 'boyscout' club..or something like that..I like this kind of stuff...outdoors fun, surviviour stuff, bootcamp structure and etc. its fun...

    I'm going to research if I find what i'm looking for and belong to something like that...:smile:

    PS: Lula won..and seems that people trust even with so much scandals of corruption in his party etc...but for sure he had humbles begginings soo cool a person like him be a president!
     
  12. Gain on 10

    Gain on 10 New Member

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    Gisella,

    You deserve a man who you can share your life with as a partner. If they need you to fix them, it's not going to work.

    But also know that relationships have tides, like the ocean. High tide for you and low tide for him, you need to be there for him.

    But in your time you will have low tide also. You might need someone then.

    But your family values are core to you. Find a man that shares that or else you won't be happy. You know this is true. You must share the basic things with someone to have a good relationship. There is no right or wrong, you just have to find someone that you agree with mostly.
     
  13. SoFla8

    SoFla8 New Member

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    Some things can't be "fixed", only understood. Some men are ruined later in life and not during childhood.

    besides, he needs to fix it himself
     
  14. tripod

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    Ahhhh...The New World Man. In the old days, men were fucking cardboard cut-outs. They were born, started work, worked hard all of their lives and died fairly young. Those men were simple creatures not allowed to show hardly any emotion, but expected to perform at the highest level at all times. Enter in the industrialized age of man, and you find men living longer and showing hints of emotion here and there. WWII came around and that generation was different. Those men actually GAVE A SHIT about their wives. They doted on their women, ushering in a new sense of honor and chivalry that the world had never seen before. These men didn't do it because it was "expected of them", but because they were experiencing emotions that their forefathers had never even acknowledged. These men bore the templates to the New World Man that is alive today.

    The baby boomer generation was finally a version of man that could display full emotional faculties. Most people on this site are children of the baby boomer generation and have emotions to spare! Men analyzing their existence is a GOOD THING. Introspection is the gateway to ENLIGHTENMENT. Everyone will agree that mankind could use more enlightenment right? Modern men are seemingly full of "issues" as compared to earlier generations, this is an illusion. The previous men repressed their emotions which led to frustration and frequent bouts of anger. They in turn, beat the shit out of their wives and children as a result of this frustration.

    This modern generation of men are the most crybaby piles of crap that the world has ever produced. But, they are also the most gentle, empathetic, intuitive men that the world has ever produced as well. What Gisella is experiencing are the growing pains of the New World Man, they are in a metamorphisis of sorts.... a transfiguration if you will.

    Oh yes and Luiz Inacio da Silva's victory is THE SHIT!
    THERE IS POWER IN A UNION!
     
  15. Gisella

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    Thank you guys...very much

    I dont think we are 'weak' because we share emotions and feelings its ok to cry, men in my family showed strong emotions, cry and are/were strong males exemple I carry with me - But there are situations that we need profissional help and support of dear ones...both.

    I may be more 'cold' now after divorce in a way I do not want make the same mistakes again.
     
  16. B_josiah852

    B_josiah852 New Member

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    We all carry some kind of baggage. I lost my father when I was 12 and being raised by only a mother who was a very backwards woman, it was a hard life. When I grew to adulthood I decided thought that I would be a better man by learning from my disfunctional childhood. I was and am a very good father and also a very good grandfather. Sometimes people can't let go of the past. Sometimes people learn from the past and make better lives for themselves. I wish the best for you and hope everything works out great. Learn from all this and don't become bitter because of it.
     
  17. Love-it

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    You have a special family and having that experience will make it harder for you to find men who "compare" with the male examples in your life.

    Responsibility is the issue: when we are exposed to bad situations in childhod or have other bad life experiences the tendency is to blame others for our problems. Life can be hard but it is how you deal with it that makes you a man or a woman. Laying the blame on others is easier than dealing with your past and makes it impossible for a person to get on with their life and have successfull relationships. It is not easy and having friends and family and maybe a therapist, can help, but the person has to want to change before anything can happen. You are taking responsibility for how your life will go and maybe someday your friend will also have that freedom.
     
  18. Gain on 10

    Gain on 10 New Member

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    You are protecting your heart while you heal. Very human and not cold at all.
     
  19. SilverSoldier

    SilverSoldier New Member

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    Okay, I confess, I'm bi, but I was married 24 years, faithful, and I've raised two great kids who are now young adults. Having gone through tortorous emotional trauma growing up, and in marriage, I have learned that I have a right to heal, find peace, and live a happy life. I have a right to distance myself from those people whose toxicity invades my life, and drags me down. I can help, I can love, I can accept, but I DO NOT have to be a part of their drama. When I have had my fill of listening, helping, loving and getting involved, as quietly and unoffensively as possible get away from them and do happier things.

    My kids stayed away from me for 3.5 years after listening to their mother. Now, as adults, they have nearly nothing to do with her and her dramas, and they are close to me. They get to live the life they choose, but I make it clear that I cannot save them from the consequences of their actions. Everyone gets to live with their own consequences. However, as their dad, I LOVE THEM regardless of what they do, and I will try to help ease the load of those consequences as I can. That, to me, is what love is. We can't take all the drama and hurt away from the one we love. We CAN help them through it, but my new condition is, "as long as I can also stay healthy and at peace." And, we both have to figure out how to take breaks from the ups and downs.

    If all you do when you get together is talk about the same old awful crap, then that's pretty hard to take. And if it's a broken record with the other party, no matter what you try to do to help and get their mind off it, then perhaps it's time to put some distance between you.

    It's already been said, but this guy has to "fix" himself. You can't be codependently involved in trying to remove all his pain and consequences. Your role is to be supportive of how he decides to handle it, as long as it's in a healthy way.

    I dunno, this may not be much of an offering, but it works for me.
    Take care of yourself first, or you'll never have enough of you left to offer anyone else.

    Take care, be gentle with yourself.
    :wink:
     
  20. danmilan

    danmilan Member

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    gisella, anytime u want to talk to me please do - i'm very good at lending an ear.... i'll talk at length....
     
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