advice about coming out

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by mikeagp, Jul 29, 2010.

  1. mikeagp

    mikeagp Member

    Jul 9, 2007
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    i will try and keep this post factual and to the point. i would like any advise / opinions etc etc etc.
    im 40 years old. born in the uk and moved to spain on my own at the age of 19.
    living in another country, on my own helped my come to terms with my sexuality (gay) of which i have no regrets about.
    about 7 years ago, i met another man whom at the time thought it would last forever. eventually told both my sisters (one older, the other younger than me) that i was gay and had met my partner. they both were very happy for me and told me that they had thought for a number of years that i was gay and had no problem with it. both sisters told me that they thought it best NOT to mention anything to my parents for the time being.
    i agreed, mainly to keep the peace.
    i split up with my then partner and have met somone else who i have been with now for over 3 years.
    about 2 years ago (or even more) i was talking to my mum on the phone who mentioned that my cousin was pregnant and that my cousins dad (my mums brother) was happy that he was going to become a grandparent. my mum asked me if i had met anyone and would i one day make her a grandmother. i brushed the question off and advised not at the moment.
    the conversation with my mum was on my mind for the next 3 days so i called her and after a general chit chat i asked her if she remembered asking me if i had met anyone. she said yes, and i replied ┬┤┬┤well i have and his name is ****. my mum was a bit shocked at first but when i asked her if she had ever wondered if i wa gay she said she had for a number of years but never said anything to me.
    we then discussed what my dads reaction would be and she asked me not to tell him. she also said that it would be best if, when the time was right, she would tell him i was gay.
    since then, after talking to my sisters they have both told me that mum finds it really hard to come to terms with it. especially the sexual aspect of a homosexual relationship. to date, nothing has been mentioned to my dad.
    my partner and i are doing a civil ceramony marriage next year. my partner has told his mum and dad and they are cool about it. mine however are a completely different story. ive told my sisters who have told my mum and thats about it.
    my parents are quite what i would call old school, and in some ways quite old fashoned but certainly not antigay.
    according to my sisters them and my um think my dad would not be able to handle the fact that he has a gay son. or it would give him a heart attack. feeble excuses but thats how it it.
    i for one, know my dad is not stupid and he MUST have wondered why i never have a girlfriend, never talk about girls etc. i am almost 100 percent convinced that he knows. if i am right, why has he chosen never to bring it up with me or talk to me about it.
    in short, i am old enough to know what i want and who i want to spend my life with. i feel that in a way, i am the one missing out. my mum knows of my new partner and when my dad is not in the room, talking on the phone often asks about him etc. however, i feel im missing out by not being able to openly talk to both my parents about day to day things, like what me and my partner have been upto, holidays we have planned etc.
    the questions i have are :
    * does my dad not have a clue
    * does he know but opts not to acknowldege it to either me or family
    * what would his reaction be
    * would he be able to handle it without it having an effect on his health
    * are my mum and sisters being the selfish ones by making me promiss i will never tell my dad

    with the wedding coming up i feel sad that its possible that none of my family will be there on the special day.

    any help and advice would be appreciated. especially from those guys who have been in the same or a similar situation, and also parents with gay children.

  2. lvsxy808

    Gold Member

    Jun 27, 2006
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    Surbiton (GB)
    A few points that came to my mind:

    * You know your father better than anyone else. Has he ever expressed any opinions about gays to you or anyone else? If not, then perhaps you're assuming the worst that may not in fact be the case.

    * The difference is probably just a generational thing - people of your parents' age simply weren't used to having to deal with the concept of gays as frequently as we do today. So they are just uncomfortable with what they're not familiar with. A closer relationship with you would help them to become more familiar, and thus less uncomfortable.

    * You're 40, your parents are presumably pushing 70 if not more. Not wishing to be unpleasant, but they may not have too many years left, especially if your father's heart is bad as you imply. Do you really want him to die without knowing who his son is?

    * Also if as you say he's not stupid, then yes, he's probably wondered why his son has never had a girlfriend in 40 years. If he has realized you're probably gay all by himself, then he may even be insulted that you didn't think you could tell him. Of course I say that not knowing your father at all.

    * Your mother has difficulty with the sexual aspect of being gay. So tell her not to think about it. This is the problem too many straight people have as regards gays - they reduce it to just being about sex. It's not - it's about love too. If she doesn't want to think about sex, tell her to think about love. You love this man you plan to marry, presumably in the same way that she loved your father when she married him. Present it to her in that way, and hopefully she'll grasp it better.
  3. earllogjam

    Gold Member

    Aug 15, 2006
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    Your dad most certainy suspects you are gay. I think if your homosexuality is preventing you from sharing your life with your dad whom you love then it's time to come out to him. Your being in the closet is a wedge between you and your family. If you are out and your dad rejects you, at least you have been true to yourself and don't have to hide or feel badly about keeping secrets anymore.

    My guess is that initially he will be off put but in time, months, years maybe he'll come around and accept your gayness and your new mate if he infact does love you as a son.

    Good Luck. I know it takes courage to do this.
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