Advice For A Discreet Bi Married Man

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deleted999139

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So long story, but I’ll try to condense. I hit my 40’s during covid in a practically sexless marriage to a woman I still love. We have kids and a generally amazing life. I’ve know I was bisexual for years and the wife has some idea but No formal confirmation.

My wife has barely touched my dick our entire relationship. Only lets me to fuck her. So I’ve never had oral sex. I finally broke and got head from a random dude. It was amazing. Thought I caught an sti got tested a billions times and finally went to a shrink.

What I realized is I can’t live a sexless life anymore. I’m going crazy, I’ve been drunkenly hitting on everyone. No longer being careful about anything and I’m heading for disaster.

my question is, do I stay with my wife and get side action secretly or try being honest and accept if this ends in divorce. I have a hard time thinking sex is worth me tearing my family apart but I don’t know what else to do. I know for a fact sex with my wife will not improve.
 

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So long story, but I’ll try to condense. I hit my 40’s during covid in a practically sexless marriage to a woman I still love. We have kids and a generally amazing life. I’ve know I was bisexual for years and the wife has some idea but No formal confirmation.

My wife has barely touched my dick our entire relationship. Only lets me to fuck her. So I’ve never had oral sex. I finally broke and got head from a random dude. It was amazing. Thought I caught an sti got tested a billions times and finally went to a shrink.

What I realized is I can’t live a sexless life anymore. I’m going crazy, I’ve been drunkenly hitting on everyone. No longer being careful about anything and I’m heading for disaster.

my question is, do I stay with my wife and get side action secretly or try being honest and accept if this ends in divorce. I have a hard time thinking sex is worth me tearing my family apart but I don’t know what else to do. I know for a fact sex with my wife will not improve.


Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Lay everything you’ve said here out (maybe not tell her about the actual infidelity). She may allow an arrangement, she may come up with a compromise.

But be honest with yourself, and her. Be an example for your kids for living your truth.

I’m also 25, so what do I know of the complications of marriage and children. I do know that living a lie can’t go on forever.
 

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Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Lay everything you’ve said here out (maybe not tell her about the actual infidelity). She may allow an arrangement, she may come up with a compromise.

But be honest with yourself, and her. Be an example for your kids for living your truth.

I’m also 25, so what do I know of the complications of marriage and children. I do know that living a lie can’t go on forever.

Listen to the man dude. No other options make sense
 

flatiron

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Be brave. If she loves you, she’ll listen and understand.

Looking back, I’ve always been bi, but I denied it to myself. I was in a relationship with a woman who I thought was the love of my life, but I stopped wanting to have sex with her, largely because I wanted to have sex with men as well. I didn’t tell her about any of this. I couldn’t. So she reached the only other conclusion. She decided I didn’t find her attractive anymore, which in my own head wasn’t true. So we didn’t talk about any of this. We drifted apart, we each found new groups of friends. Eventually she moved out to do some ‘thinking’ and I don’t think I need to tell you she didn’t come back.

Cue midlife crisis, depression and suicidal ideation. At this point, I set up grindr and scruff accounts, went to gay nightclubs, and made up for lost time.

Eventually I met someone new – a woman. Neither of us were looking, but we found we fit together quite nicely. I told her on day one I was bi, so there’s never been any secrets. We’re getting married next month. Yay, happy ending! I’m very happy with my life with my soon-to-be wife, but I’ll never know where my life might’ve been right now if I’d been brave enough and confident enough to initiate a conversation with my ex when it mattered.

I don’t envy you! Once my relationship ended, I was able to own my bisexuality because I had no illusions left to preserve. It was the rawest and most self-honest time of my life, but look what it cost me to get there – my relationship, my friends, my dignity, my confidence, and almost my life. If my relationship had held together, I might not have had the ‘freedom’ to do this.

The main reason I’m contributing here is to say that if you can’t imagine living your life without her, be honest with her. My experience is a perfect example of what NOT to do!

Also, maybe it’s about her as much as it is about you. Maybe she’d like to fuck other people but doesn’t know how to bring it up with you? My soon-to-be wife and I have an open sexual relationship. Whether we act on it or not isn’t the point; the point is we have each other’s permission, and we make sure we disclose everything. Who knows, an open relationship might rekindle something between you both!
 

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Well, one sure way to throw it all down the shitter is to GET CAUGHT cheating on your wife. I wouldn't advise that route, but if you do be damn careful.

You know your wife, I don't, but I would suggest talking to her. When I came out to my wife it was pretty rough at first. We had other baggage, but she was very threatened by the idea of not being "enough". It's been several years now but things are really good between us. The long duration is probably largely my fault as I tend to fall back into silent denial/ignore for months (not 1-2, more like 10-12).

She has recently started saying I should explore with men. I'm not suggesting your path, just telling you mine. She has examined her wants and needs, I've done a lot of that as well, and right now we are in the best place we have ever been.

Whatever you decide, good luck.
 
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deleted999139

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I really appreciate all of these experiences. I feel like no matter what, it’s going to be a hard road. I want to be honest cause I can’t handle the guilt but being honest will mean I lose everything I’ve been working for in my life up to now. Unless I can figure out how to do it properly. Regarding her interests. I think she has no interest in any sex I feel like she may have always been that way and the sex we did have was to live up to her own expectations of herself. I wish she would be open with me. It would make it easier to be open with her.
 

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That is a tough situation for sure! But if you don't talk to her you may never really know if she actually secretly in the same boat. My first wife and I sorta fell into a swinging lifestyle much out of a similar situation. I'm NOT a medical doctor but I'll try to help.

You obviously were attracted to her for some reason(s) in the beginning and furthered that attraction by producing children. You may have to sorta revisit those thoughts/attractions and try to start over again with her. However, with all that said I can tell you from my own experiences that avoiding the subject of sex, bi-sexuality, or other issues is NOT the correct approach. You really have no way of knowing what she may actually be thinking, desiring, or missing in your relationship unless you ask. There is a good chance that she might actually be struggling with issues such as yours. You really can't say for a fact, and I am ONLY going by what you have shared, that your sex life with her will not improve. I very well may not but there is a good chance that it may. For instance, my first wife and I got into the swinging lifestyle kinda because we had a similar situation (not as severe as yours and not to minimize your situation) and we both, after many long discussions, came to the conclusion that we loved each other but needed something 'extra' in our sex life (our divorce was NOT because of sex but other trust issues and not for this conversation) and afterward our lives could not have been better and yours can possibly be as well!

If you at the very least discuss these issues with her openly and honestly no matter the outcome you, and anyone else similarly situated, will be a much better person in the long run. Opening dialogue such as this can be tricky, uncomfortable, and difficult but take my advice and start slowly. Start with short conversations and LISTEN and watch reactions (body language SCREAMS from a silent mouth). You sound like a smart guy but just a bit off track on some things and that's ok. If you need help, additional advice I, and I'm sure many others here, will be here for you!
 
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bi2

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I really appreciate all of these experiences. I feel like no matter what, it’s going to be a hard road. I want to be honest cause I can’t handle the guilt but being honest will mean I lose everything I’ve been working for in my life up to now. Unless I can figure out how to do it properly. Regarding her interests. I think she has no interest in any sex I feel like she may have always been that way and the sex we did have was to live up to her own expectations of herself. I wish she would be open with me. It would make it easier to be open with her.

I have had a few partners in your situation and currently with one in the same situation as yourself. His wife has no interest in sex any more.

He has compartmentalized his personal life and sexual life. My partner loves and cherishes his personal life. With me, I provide a safe, comfortable outlet for them and satsify his sexual needs and desires and vice versa. There is no emotional entanglements, neither one of us want an emotional relationship outside of sex. Our sex life is great, fulfiling and satisfying.

Once its over we go on with our own lives. We both want, get and need our intimacy from women. My partner has actually commented that he is a better husband to his wife as a result of us having a physical relationship.
 

flatiron

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I have had a few partners in your situation and currently with one in the same situation as yourself. His wife has no interest in sex any more.

He has compartmentalized his personal life and sexual life. My partner loves and cherishes his personal life. With me, I provide a safe, comfortable outlet for them and satsify his sexual needs and desires and vice versa. There is no emotional entanglements, neither one of us want an emotional relationship outside of sex. Our sex life is great, fulfiling and satisfying.

Once its over we go on with our own lives. We both want, get and need our intimacy from women. My partner has actually commented that he is a better husband to his wife as a result of us having a physical relationship.
That's the kind of situation I need too.
 
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deleted999139

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Hey guys, I thought I’d update after the two weeks of hell I’ve been in. So I don’t know what drove me to it but I opened the door of communication. We were talking about the road blocks we both put in our sexual relationship that I wanted to move past. It’s such a long story but essentially, I told her I thought her list of sexual interests were very limited whereas mine were wide the fuck open. She started questioning how wide. It came to the question would I have sex with men, and I said yes. So. She brushed over it. We had amazing conversations. We agreed to work on things. Finally, because in the back of my head, I didn’t think she really understood, I said, so how are you so okay with me being bisexual. She lost her mind. She didn’t think that’s what I meant. It came down to discussing that because I’m bisexual that doesn’t mean I need an emotional relationship with a man. My interests are purely sexual. It’s hard for her to wrap her head around but since we’ve been talking and having incredible sex. I think she may actually be okay with it. I don’t think I’m out of the woods yet but it’s a start. I also had a very big emotional break down when she told me she was proud of me for coming out. That’s not something that really registered for me. I didn’t come out as straight for the last 40 years, why is this different? I don’t really get it. Anyway. I’ll keep updating. I can’t tell you how much all the support and stories have helped. Especially to those who wrote me privately. Thank you all so much.
 

latinluva

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my question is, do I stay with my wife and get side action secretly or try being honest and accept if this ends in divorce. I have a hard time thinking sex is worth me tearing my family apart but I don’t know what else to do. I know for a fact sex with my wife will not improve.

So it it seems complicated, but it really is very simple. You need to go on a one day trip, just you and her. Sit her down when you have time. Explain to her what you are feeling. Ask her why your marriage is so sexless, why she don't give you head. Tell her how frustrated you are and the last thing you wanna do is bring home a disease or hurt her. You love being married to her and you don't wanna love anyone else. Then ask her, is there anyway the two of us can have a healthy, happy and satisfying sex life....and still have a family.

I did this with my Wife and now we enjoy sex, possibly bringing in another man for sex and many other things. I got to a point with my Wife where I just said, "I'm gonna tell her, and if she wants to leave, she can leave". So now she knows I like men and women, and she is willing to bring another man in our bed. Which is a win win for me, I never worry about her leaving me. Cause if she did, we'd still be cool.
 

WilliamG

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I have had a few partners in your situation and currently with one in the same situation as yourself. His wife has no interest in sex any more.

He has compartmentalized his personal life and sexual life. My partner loves and cherishes his personal life. With me, I provide a safe, comfortable outlet for them and satsify his sexual needs and desires and vice versa. There is no emotional entanglements, neither one of us want an emotional relationship outside of sex. Our sex life is great, fulfiling and satisfying.

Once its over we go on with our own lives. We both want, get and need our intimacy from women. My partner has actually commented that he is a better husband to his wife as a result of us having a physical relationship.

Many would say this is not the answer. But... It's often the path taken by those in your shoes. Is it ethically or morally right? I'm not going to judge. 99.9% of women would say this is not cool. But MANY bi men do compartmentalize their desire for a M2M hookup. Some have regular fuck buddies. They treat it like a round of golf or tennis with the guys. But those men also want sex with another guy. Having more sex with their spouse won't change that. Would more sex with your wife stop your desire to hook up with a guy? Only you can answer that.

So without know the details of your marriages lack of sexual growth, it's a tough call to say "just tell her". But most would say it is the right thing to do. Are you afraid she would freak out if you broached the subject? So define if it's just the lack of sex with her... Or the want of M2M. Because if you're going to talk to her about it, it needs to be put out there.
 
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bi2

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Many would say this is not the answer. But... It's often the path taken by those in your shoes. Is it ethically or morally right? I'm not going to judge. 99.9% of women would say this is not cool. But MANY bi men do compartmentalize their desire for a M2M hookup. Some have regular fuck buddies. They treat it like a round of golf or tennis with the guys. But those men also want sex with another guy. Having more sex with their spouse won't change that. Would more sex with your wife stop your desire to hook up with a guy? Only you can answer that.

So without know the details of your marriages lack of sexual growth, it's a tough call to say "just tell her". But most would say it is the right thing to do. Are you afraid she would freak out if you broached the subject? So define if it's just the lack of sex with her... Or the want of M2M. Because if you're going to talk to her about it, it needs to be put out there.

Sorry if I misconveyed the situation. My male partner is the one that is married.
 

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Hey guys, I thought I’d update after the two weeks of hell I’ve been in. So I don’t know what drove me to it but I opened the door of communication. We were talking about the road blocks we both put in our sexual relationship that I wanted to move past. It’s such a long story but essentially, I told her I thought her list of sexual interests were very limited whereas mine were wide the fuck open. She started questioning how wide. It came to the question would I have sex with men, and I said yes. So. She brushed over it. We had amazing conversations. We agreed to work on things. Finally, because in the back of my head, I didn’t think she really understood, I said, so how are you so okay with me being bisexual. She lost her mind. She didn’t think that’s what I meant. It came down to discussing that because I’m bisexual that doesn’t mean I need an emotional relationship with a man. My interests are purely sexual. It’s hard for her to wrap her head around but since we’ve been talking and having incredible sex. I think she may actually be okay with it. I don’t think I’m out of the woods yet but it’s a start. I also had a very big emotional break down when she told me she was proud of me for coming out. That’s not something that really registered for me. I didn’t come out as straight for the last 40 years, why is this different? I don’t really get it. Anyway. I’ll keep updating. I can’t tell you how much all the support and stories have helped. Especially to those who wrote me privately. Thank you all so much.

Disregard my last post... Somehow I missed this key part of this discussion... You sound like you are on the path. Carry on!
 
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deleted5199391

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So long story, but I’ll try to condense. I hit my 40’s during covid in a practically sexless marriage to a woman I still love. We have kids and a generally amazing life. I’ve know I was bisexual for years and the wife has some idea but No formal confirmation.

My wife has barely touched my dick our entire relationship. Only lets me to fuck her. So I’ve never had oral sex. I finally broke and got head from a random dude. It was amazing. Thought I caught an sti got tested a billions times and finally went to a shrink.

What I realized is I can’t live a sexless life anymore. I’m going crazy, I’ve been drunkenly hitting on everyone. No longer being careful about anything and I’m heading for disaster.

my question is, do I stay with my wife and get side action secretly or try being honest and accept if this ends in divorce. I have a hard time thinking sex is worth me tearing my family apart but I don’t know what else to do. I know for a fact sex with my wife will not improve.
The most important part is where you said you don't care about anything.
I totally understand your struggle, a sexless life would be impossible to me.
You could talk with her and whatever, but from your post I think you're putting yourself and her to risk. Health is not a joke. You're free to do whatever you want to yourself, but not to other persons.
And about yourself, I would think twice about that. There are people that love you. You can have sex and be safe.
 

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So long story, but I’ll try to condense. I hit my 40’s during covid in a practically sexless marriage to a woman I still love. We have kids and a generally amazing life. I’ve know I was bisexual for years and the wife has some idea but No formal confirmation.

My wife has barely touched my dick our entire relationship. Only lets me to fuck her. So I’ve never had oral sex. I finally broke and got head from a random dude. It was amazing. Thought I caught an sti got tested a billions times and finally went to a shrink.

What I realized is I can’t live a sexless life anymore. I’m going crazy, I’ve been drunkenly hitting on everyone. No longer being careful about anything and I’m heading for disaster.

my question is, do I stay with my wife and get side action secretly or try being honest and accept if this ends in divorce. I have a hard time thinking sex is worth me tearing my family apart but I don’t know what else to do. I know for a fact sex with my wife will not improve.
I have a female partner and I also have male FWBs, and I do not want to her to know about it. First of all, I certainly would not tell her that you are engaging in sexual activity with other males. If she doesn't want to give you a blow job, then she certainly would not want for another man to give you a blowjob. And if you tell her that then it most likely it will be over.

Since you seem conflicted over your situation, I would strongly suggest that you find a therapist for YOURSELF, to help you resolve your situation.
 

Marriedjockk

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Is it too much to ask. I want a married family bud like myself to be friends with, have a good family friends relationship… like our kids and wives are super close lol but behind closed door dads go at it … I just want to live out my fantasy
 

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Be brave. If she loves you, she’ll listen and understand.

Looking back, I’ve always been bi, but I denied it to myself. I was in a relationship with a woman who I thought was the love of my life, but I stopped wanting to have sex with her, largely because I wanted to have sex with men as well. I didn’t tell her about any of this. I couldn’t. So she reached the only other conclusion. She decided I didn’t find her attractive anymore, which in my own head wasn’t true. So we didn’t talk about any of this. We drifted apart, we each found new groups of friends. Eventually she moved out to do some ‘thinking’ and I don’t think I need to tell you she didn’t come back.

Cue midlife crisis, depression and suicidal ideation. At this point, I set up grindr and scruff accounts, went to gay nightclubs, and made up for lost time.

Eventually I met someone new – a woman. Neither of us were looking, but we found we fit together quite nicely. I told her on day one I was bi, so there’s never been any secrets. We’re getting married next month. Yay, happy ending! I’m very happy with my life with my soon-to-be wife, but I’ll never know where my life might’ve been right now if I’d been brave enough and confident enough to initiate a conversation with my ex when it mattered.

I don’t envy you! Once my relationship ended, I was able to own my bisexuality because I had no illusions left to preserve. It was the rawest and most self-honest time of my life, but look what it cost me to get there – my relationship, my friends, my dignity, my confidence, and almost my life. If my relationship had held together, I might not have had the ‘freedom’ to do this.

The main reason I’m contributing here is to say that if you can’t imagine living your life without her, be honest with her. My experience is a perfect example of what NOT to do!

Also, maybe it’s about her as much as it is about you. Maybe she’d like to fuck other people but doesn’t know how to bring it up with you? My soon-to-be wife and I have an open sexual relationship. Whether we act on it or not isn’t the point; the point is we have each other’s permission, and we make sure we disclose everything. Who knows, an open relationship might rekindle something between you both!
This resonated with me a lot, so thank you for sharing. I'm so glad you came through the other side and are in a much happier place! X
 
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Hopefully it works out.

A lot of women wont understand its purely a sexual desire and you'd never date a guy. That's why i would have recommended you just keep it to yourself and do your own thing on the side within reason. Sometimes its just easier if they dont know. ppl may so "Oh thats cheating" well, whats the point in breaking up the family if everything else is good in the marriage? Get your rocks off on the side.
 
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