Advice for a friend who is thinking of getting married.

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Drifterwood, Apr 8, 2009.

  1. Drifterwood

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    Honestly it is a friend and you may think it odd that he has come to me for advice.

    Anyway, this is what I intend to say to him and I would be interested in what you think. I don't want to ruin his life.

    I think that there are three criteria.

    Friendship, respect and sexual compatability. By respect I mean for their ability to deliver within the cultural expectations of a partner. That may sound odd to some, but I don't think that it is, and certainly not within his culture.

    It is sounding clinical to me, but if you score each out of ten and end up with an average of eight, without one scoring below six, then I would think that you stood a good chance of having a successful relationship.

    Am I way out here?

    I am not sure what to say about the love thang.
     
  2. Principessa

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    Seems about right though for me mutual love would have to be a given.
     
  3. MarkLondon

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    Is it an arranged marriage?
     
  4. Maia

    Maia New Member

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    My friends with happy marriages have good money habits, good communication, and good sex.
    Good communication leads to mutual respect and friendship if one can accept the others differences. Bad money habits seem to ruin everything, no matter how good the sex or communication is. Sex seems to come in last place for importance, but if the differences are too much then it also makes things very difficult. Good communication brings better sex if both partners are willing to work at it. I could go on, but that is the main idea and I think it is easily understood.
    I know people who have had arranged marriages and the same criteria apply.
     
  5. cbrmale

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    If you need advice about whether to marry someone or not, then you shouldn't marry them. I thought I loved some women in my life at different times until I met someone very different and very special. And then I learnt of love.

    I feel that too many who have a friendship and compatibility type of relationship get married, and regret it. These are the relationships where, after time, there is coldness, distance, and no sex. All the communication in the world won't fix these relationships either, because they should never have happened in the first place. And don't underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship either. Sex is both and indicator of a relationship's health and a way of bringing a couple closer together three times a week. Without good sex, a relationships dies.

    If you truly love someone in all ways, then it will last and it will be light, bright and fantastic. If you need to think whether or not you really should then it isn't right, like my past girlfriends weren't right, and you should break-up and look for the soulmate you haven't yet found.
     
  6. Maia

    Maia New Member

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    I wanted to clarify that, but the edit button was gone. I didn't mean to imply that sex was unimportant, on the contrary it is one of the three most important things. However, it usually places third from my observations of a variety of married lifestyles.
     
  7. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Well I need to have the potential for good sex. On top of all the other criteria this number three for me.
    Which simply means is my partner willing to explore the things that I want to do and can he take direction well? Which should be reciprocal.
    C.B.:saevil:
     
  8. joyboytoy79

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    There are many things that work together toward making a successful marriage. Unfortunately, you can't work it all out with a simple rating system.

    For most people, sexual compatibility is a must. I know it was a must for me. But there are people for whom sex is unimportant. I can't say I agree with them, but they exist, nonetheless (think of anyone who gets married as a virgin).

    There are those for whom mutual respect is a must. As you have pointed out, drifterwood, there are different cultural contexts regarding respect. Well, there are also different personal contexts regarding respect. To complicate matters, there are people that disdain respectful relationships and enjoy marriages based on mutual disrespect. I've seen marriages like this that have lasted for decades and are still going. I admit, they baffle me.

    I think, ultimately, the most successful marriages are those where both parties know what they expect and also what is expected of them. They both need to be willing to accept, also, that expectations may change over time. In my opinion, this mutual understanding of expectations is the keystone to any successful permanent relationship.
     
  9. Drifterwood

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    Thanks everyone.

    I agree with you JBT, that a rating system is rather simple. But it does serve to focus the mind on what you find important and perhaps non negotiable. I wonder how many of us can look back on an old relationship and think WYF was i doing with him/her?

    I do wonder what women mean when they talk about communicating.

    Does it mean, I need you to listen and understand when I am communicating with you? Throw stones if you like, but I know plenty of women like that, as I do men who expect to be respected but don't really respect their wives. Like CBabe says, it's a two way street.

    Sad thing for my friend, is that I don't think he loves her. He thinks it's the right thing to do and he does care about her. Hey ho.
     
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