Advice For A Virgin On The Wrong Side Of His 20s?

kapricornkisses

Legendary Member
Joined
Oct 11, 2018
Posts
105
Media
0
Likes
1,127
Points
288
Location
United States
Years of feeling ashamed of being gay + having insecurities about my looks + being an introvert who sticks to work and family life = a very horny man closing in on his 30s. I haven't even so much as kissed a guy, it's pretty sad :joy:. But I want to finally explore my sexuality after this pandemic has passed. I believe I would enjoy being versatile, leaning more towards bottom. Any advice on how to get started? Things I should prepare for? Things to avoid? Looking forward to your input.
 

theplayerking

Legendary Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2013
Posts
735
Media
0
Likes
1,170
Points
188
Location
New York City
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
There’s someone for everyone. You need to start meeting people. Now is actually a good time. As people can’t actually hookup, they may be more interested in chatting and getting to know you. We all make rookie mistakes. Take your time, but don’t be too hard on yourself waiting for the stars to align.
 

kapricornkisses

Legendary Member
Joined
Oct 11, 2018
Posts
105
Media
0
Likes
1,127
Points
288
Location
United States
There’s someone for everyone. You need to start meeting people. Now is actually a good time. As people can’t actually hookup, they may be more interested in chatting and getting to know you. We all make rookie mistakes. Take your time, but don’t be too hard on yourself waiting for the stars to align.
Thanks, I will try not to be too hard on myself. Can't make any promises. haha Meeting people sounds simple enough but for someone who rarely socializes outside of work, I'm not even sure how to begin. Maybe apps are the best way to go?
 
D

deleted1074483

Guest
Years of feeling ashamed of being gay + having insecurities about my looks + being an introvert who sticks to work and family life = a very horny man closing in on his 30s. I haven't even so much as kissed a guy, it's pretty sad :joy:. But I want to finally explore my sexuality after this pandemic has passed. I believe I would enjoy being versatile, leaning more towards bottom. Any advice on how to get started? Things I should prepare for? Things to avoid? Looking forward to your input.

first off mate, don't even start thinking about what you should or shouldn't have done, theres no point and you just waste time and energy doing so - you are where you're at, and this is therefore the right time for you and when you're ready. Look on it as a positive, a new start.

second there's a lot of information on this site if you search the ask a gay man, from lots of guys in similar position to yourself, so go read the ones that interest you - most guys on here would be happy to chat with you one on one if you like a particular post or they have been through similar to yourself - nothing like peer support to help you through this. There'll also be lots you can find about playing with yourself, getting used to the feeling of touching yourself, feeling something inside you - plus even during lockdown you can order toys on line to be delivered

third join other dating/hook up sites, as the previous poster said, at this time you'll get a lot more chat as you can't meet up - do be upfront, theres nothing to be ashamed of at being a virgin at nearly 30, it is what it is. If you're upfront about your situation and therefore what you're looking for, those that aren't into virgins will avoid you and you may connect with someone who'll happily work with you on discovering your sexuality.

fourth, as a fellow introvert I know how hard this is, but join gay clubs - there's lots of gay sporting, walking and other clubs where gay men meet, even if only to get used to being around other gay men, which you may not have experienced - it'll help normalise how you feel and being gay just seeing other gay men around just being gay men

finally, this is fun, go out and enjoy, you're still very young and have plenty of time to be who you want to be:)
 

kapricornkisses

Legendary Member
Joined
Oct 11, 2018
Posts
105
Media
0
Likes
1,127
Points
288
Location
United States
first off mate, don't even start thinking about what you should or shouldn't have done, theres no point and you just waste time and energy doing so - you are where you're at, and this is therefore the right time for you and when you're ready. Look on it as a positive, a new start.

second there's a lot of information on this site if you search the ask a gay man, from lots of guys in similar position to yourself, so go read the ones that interest you - most guys on here would be happy to chat with you one on one if you like a particular post or they have been through similar to yourself - nothing like peer support to help you through this. There'll also be lots you can find about playing with yourself, getting used to the feeling of touching yourself, feeling something inside you - plus even during lockdown you can order toys on line to be delivered

third join other dating/hook up sites, as the previous poster said, at this time you'll get a lot more chat as you can't meet up - do be upfront, theres nothing to be ashamed of at being a virgin at nearly 30, it is what it is. If you're upfront about your situation and therefore what you're looking for, those that aren't into virgins will avoid you and you may connect with someone who'll happily work with you on discovering your sexuality.

fourth, as a fellow introvert I know how hard this is, but join gay clubs - there's lots of gay sporting, walking and other clubs where gay men meet, even if only to get used to being around other gay men, which you may not have experienced - it'll help normalise how you feel and being gay just seeing other gay men around just being gay men

finally, this is fun, go out and enjoy, you're still very young and have plenty of time to be who you want to be:)
Man, thanks so much! This is very encouraging, I didn't expect to get such a detailed response. You've given me a lot to consider and look into.

I for sure need get more comfortable with myself and the feeling of penetration. I've always been curious about toys, but just been too chicken to actually go through with it. haha Any apps/sites you would recommend for meeting potential dates/partners? Obviously I know of Grindr since it's so popular.
 

Brodie888

Worshipped Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2015
Posts
3,058
Media
0
Likes
12,706
Points
233
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
I'd suggest spending the time educating yourself about safe sex, if you plan on doing a lot of experimenting then prep is a must. Find a good doctor who you will feel comfortable getting tested for STIs on a regular basis. There's more than HIV out there.

Also learn how to douche, what diet and meal times work best for you, practice penetrating yourself with toys. Lube, lube, lube and more specifically which ones work best for you.

If you don't know where your prostate is or how to work it then that's a must too.
 

KuronoB

Cherished Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2012
Posts
456
Media
0
Likes
273
Points
148
Location
Chicago (Illinois, United States)
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
A few pieces of advice.
1. Find a set of gay friends. You will want/need gay friends to talk about gay things with. If you're in or near any semi-major city, there should be at least a few LGBT social groups to join. Meetup.com is an easy way to find such groups.
2. Consider getting a bit of counseling/therapy. It might be hard to go from years of insecurity, internalized homophobia and shame, to having sex with guys suddenly. You don't want to be at risk of freaking out as you get close to doing the deed.
 

kapricornkisses

Legendary Member
Joined
Oct 11, 2018
Posts
105
Media
0
Likes
1,127
Points
288
Location
United States
I'd suggest spending the time educating yourself about safe sex, if you plan on doing a lot of experimenting then prep is a must. Find a good doctor who you will feel comfortable getting tested for STIs on a regular basis. There's more than HIV out there.

Also learn how to douche, what diet and meal times work best for you, practice penetrating yourself with toys. Lube, lube, lube and more specifically which ones work best for you.

If you don't know where your prostate is or how to work it then that's a must too.
A few pieces of advice.
1. Find a set of gay friends. You will want/need gay friends to talk about gay things with. If you're in or near any semi-major city, there should be at least a few LGBT social groups to join. Meetup.com is an easy way to find such groups.
2. Consider getting a bit of counseling/therapy. It might be hard to go from years of insecurity, internalized homophobia and shame, to having sex with guys suddenly. You don't want to be at risk of freaking out as you get close to doing the deed.
Socializing and developing friendships with other gay men/LGBT seems to be the most common piece of advice in the thread and I understand why. This is all extremely helpful. Some things I hadn't even considered. Thanks so much.
 
  • Like
Reactions: headbang8

Anguia10

Superior Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2018
Posts
547
Media
4
Likes
3,743
Points
313
Location
Los Angeles (California, United States)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Listen, being a virgin at any age isn’t a bad thing. I lost my V-Card when I was 26 and do not regret it whatsoever.

Coming into my sexuality, I wanted to grow my LGBT circle so I began to attend social group meetings/outings at my local LGBT Center just to become comfortable with the idea of the community.

Soon after, I did join a LGBT Softball league. I am not sporty or athletic; yes I love to workout and keep fit but doing a sport was out of my comfort zone. I made a lot of friends and made amazing memories; going on tournaments out of state, hanging out during dinners, summer gatherings, holidays, etc.

Doing that exposed me to different personalities and situations that made me who I am. You just gotta be careful too because people try to test you and take advantage; which isn’t to say that’s a “gay thing” but just people in general.
 

groundsmen

Loved Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Posts
240
Media
0
Likes
620
Points
138
Location
Sydney (New South Wales, Australia)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Years of feeling ashamed of being gay + having insecurities about my looks + being an introvert who sticks to work and family life = a very horny man closing in on his 30s. I haven't even so much as kissed a guy, it's pretty sad :joy:. But I want to finally explore my sexuality after this pandemic has passed. I believe I would enjoy being versatile, leaning more towards bottom. Any advice on how to get started? Things I should prepare for? Things to avoid? Looking forward to your input.
I would start with Grindr etc, be prepared for a whole range of interactions, in my experience, most were great, lots of nice guys on there, but some of the interactions were revolting. Remember you can block some one at the drop of a hat, so do it if anyone gives you grief. Also, keep an open mind, and have fun. Also, you don't have to jump head first into bum sex straight away. Take your time with it unless you feel keen with the guy, then jump head first into it. Be confident, also, there's nothing to be ashamed of. A red blooded male wanting to meet other red blooded males. Sounds great to me! :cool::cool::cool:
 
5

5307911

Guest
Since you are new to all of this, I would highly suggest avoiding Grindr at the outset. Why? Simply, the Grindr community. People are there to hook-up, not start a relationship, let alone a friendship. It is like jumping into a gay bar on a busy Saturday night, then making that your lifestyle. Yes, you'll get a lot of sex, but your real life relationship skillset will be stunted, and geared for one night stands, or short term trists. There is a reason why there are more 40+ single guys in the urban gay community than well adjusted, stable partnerships.

Like with any relationship worth investing into, it will come along and grow naturally. Get out there, and you will eventually meet someone. Live your life as you are doing now, but just be mindful of who might be looking back at you. Or, if there is a mutual chemistry, ease into it and see if it grows into something else. Just don't be that sweaty, crazy eyed, clingy guy.

But..if you did want to jump into the world of casual sex, try and be mindful of yourself, and of who you may bump into. Respect yourself. Say no if you have to. Leave a situation if you have to. We all have comfort levels. While you may not have experienced a lot yet, if your gut says no, or not right now, listen to it.

I've met a lot of people over the years, especially when I first entered the gay scene. Somewhere along the way I sorted out what I really wanted, who I wanted to spend time with, and who I did not want in my life, let alone my home. More importantly, I was honest about my own faults and baggage, and how that could translate into jumping into toxic relationships. As a fellow introvert, you are already geared to looking within. Don't be cruel and self punishing, but be honest. You can't have a healthy relationship if you aren't healthy yourself.

Good luck, have fun, and be safe.
 

headbang8

Admired Member
Joined
May 15, 2004
Posts
1,618
Media
12
Likes
809
Points
333
Location
Munich (Bavaria, Germany)
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
Great advice for you on this thread. As @bobbleworc said, you’re not the first gay man on LPSG to ask a question like this, and you won’t be the last.

Lots of men do battle with internalized homophobia. You’ll be surprised how many of your lovers have been in the same boat—or might even be in the same boat along with you. We don’t have a script to follow like straight couples (arguably) do. It takes us a while to work it out for ourselves, and that goes for all of us. I didn’t come out til my early 30s. Your situation is more common than you think.

Only one small extra piece of advice I’d add, is this: don’t be afraid to make mistakes. If he’s a good guy, a more experienced sexual partner won’t mind talking about what he wants from you. And won’t object if you refuse something that makes you uncomfortable. You’ll be clumsy. Even seasoned sexual veterans find they need to communicate constantly, and are confronted with new stuff in every encounter where they might feel awkward; just barrel on through it. Don’t be ashamed to feel like a clumsy straight frat bro fumbling with a bra. It’s kinda fun. For both parties.
 

HorseHung40's

Worshipped Member
Joined
Aug 24, 2008
Posts
3,093
Media
0
Likes
21,439
Points
518
Location
Holland (Michigan, United States)
Sexuality
60% Gay, 40% Straight
Gender
Male
Please don't think of yourself as any sort of failure, just because you are older.

You are waiting until YOU are ready to which all that I can add is "GOOD FOR YOU".

Sexual development is healthiest, when it occurs naturally. Please don't feel the need to justify your readiness to anyone. Good luck. Enjoy.
 

Beanie

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jan 27, 2007
Posts
4,465
Media
18
Likes
9,819
Points
493
Location
Cardiff (Wales)
Verification
View
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
Years of feeling ashamed of being gay + having insecurities about my looks + being an introvert who sticks to work and family life = a very horny man closing in on his 30s. I haven't even so much as kissed a guy, it's pretty sad :joy:. But I want to finally explore my sexuality after this pandemic has passed. I believe I would enjoy being versatile, leaning more towards bottom. Any advice on how to get started? Things I should prepare for? Things to avoid? Looking forward to your input.
Don’t you beat yourself up! Everyone has their own pace. You’re comfortable now and that’s what’s important. Don’t overthink it, enjoy your self.
 
  • Like
Reactions: deleted1074483