Advice for making sex more enjoyable for gf

[trapmusik6]

Hey I don't really make threads that often here, but I'm in a situation where I think advice from more experienced females would really help. Me and my gf have been together for almost a year. At the beginning the sex was very frequent(as with most new relationships lol) but lately it's been seeming like sex isn't on her mind or she's not interested in it. We have a long distance relationship currently. I live in Lansing, MI and she lives in Chicago. I went to visit her this past weekend after not having seen each other since school got out in the first week of May. We had a great time. I met her friends, did fun activities and nice dinners. However, we didn't have sex or anything in that realm. She does live with her parents, but there were many times we were alone for hours on end. I had let her know I was horny, but she didn't really say much about it.(I used to initiate all the time, but we only ever had sex when she wanted to so I just wait until she lets me know) After I got back home, I realized that if I want to be in a fulfilling relationship with this person; I needed to be honest about my frustrations and what we can do to compromise.(Again me thinking she wasn't interested in sex) The conversation was very revealing. She said she actually loved sex(had it everyday with exes....ugh that irked me to hear and type) but I wasn't being affectionate and giving her the attention that she needed to get her in the mood(lots of hugs, kisses, touching during day to day activities). Awesome I can change that! I had no idea I wasn't being loving enough and that she felt that way, BUT she also said that I was too big in both length and girth. It mad sex painful for her and she just stopped wanting to do anything because it would just be painful. Not awesome lol. This is the area where I need advice. How do I make things less painful and more comfortable for her? Btw I love going down on her and giving her massages etc. Massages won't work because she just ends up getting too relaxed and falling asleep.

As a fellow grammar nazi, I apologize for all grammatical or punctuation errors. Thanks for taking the time to read all that

 

[MisterVIP]

You need to ask HER.

 

[nailz]

"Ask her" seems to be the go-to response here but it seems like he already has.

Why was it OK for her in the beginning but is now too painful and uncomfortable?
A large penis doesn't suddenly start becoming uncomfortable and painful. It's the opposite. At the beginning it takes some getting used to, especially after weeks/months without sex, but the more you have sex the more comfortable it gets.

BTW, even if my partner had the penis of a blue whale I'd still be all over him trying to initiate sex. There are so many other things to do aside from penetration, and if she was into you she'd be trying them. A lack of intimacy, lack of interest in sex, not initiating sex, etc is a pretty big warning sign that something is not right in the relationship, especially if it's a long-distance relationship. If you're apart for extended periods, when you're together you should be tearing each others clothes off making up for lost time, not making excuses.

 

[trapmusik6]

@nailz that's how I feel too. After being apart for so long, I told her I felt like a volcano ready to erupt and she was like it's gonna be ok. Idk what that means but I know it didn't mean I'm gonna suck your dick or have sex lol. It has been a long time since we last had sex so I think she knew it was going to be painful and didn't want to go through with that. She said it's always been painful but she just dealt with it but because of the breaks in sex it's too painful now. I will ask her some of those things(in a nice way of course so she won't feel attacked/pressured)

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Big cocks can become painful. Trust me, I know this personally. Just because it's never happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all.

If I go more than several days without sex I tighten up like a virgin and it's very painful all over again.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I recently had a long-distance relationship with a guy who had more than was immediately comfortable at the time. I had to practice when we couldn't be together. I used a toy that was similar in size, and I masturbated with it regularly, fueled by the knowledge that it was going to be so much better with him the next time we could see each other. It helped a lot. Length improved first, girth improved much more slowly.

 

[Wave85]

@trapmusik6 I have dealt with this same issue where size is an impediment to regular sex for the same reasons. I think a lot of it is mental if the sex was really good in the beginning - that hot rush at the beginning of a relationship can cover other stuff, fades and has to be replaced with something else to get some (maybe more than some) women aroused, particularly if size complicates things. If this relationship is important to you, court her - romance her - don't count on purely physical acts for arousal. If she is telling you she needs lots of little touches first. LISTEN TO HER. Talk dirty to her at odd times. Send her flowers on whim. You have to be patient, recognize that foreplay is more mental than physical in the long term relationship, and lube is critical to getting on track - just find a lube you both like.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

From what I'm getting, she needs more foreplay and lube.

Do you know if she uses a dildo when you're not around? I've gone for long periods with no sex, and this has never been a problem for me... and I'm thinking maybe the difference is during that time I was fucking myself silly with my toys.

 

[AlteredEgo]

@trapmusik6 I have dealt with this same issue where size is an impediment to regular sex for the same reasons. I think a lot of it is mental if the sex was really good in the beginning - that hot rush at the beginning of a relationship can cover other stuff, fades and has to be replaced with something else to get some (maybe more than some) women aroused, particularly if size complicates things. If this relationship is important to you, court her - romance her - don't count on purely physical acts for arousal. If she is telling you she needs lots of little touches first. LISTEN TO HER. Talk dirty to her at odd times. Send her flowers on whim. You have to be patient, recognize that foreplay is more mental than physical in the long term relationship, and lube is critical to getting on track - just find a lube you both like.

The man referenced in my post above used to anticipate my needs and coddle me. That's not something I would have expected to like. But he would take care of me in ways no one else had. It was sweet. Feeding me. Bathing me. Giving me my medicine.

Like the OP's girlfriend, I respond to affection. I like to hold on, and to be held. I ask for lots of hugs and kisses. I like attention, phone calls, dates, texts love letters, greeting cards. I like to know from demonstration that I am a high priority.

I also like small gifts on random occasions, like a refrigerator magnet that reminds me of a significant conversation we had, or a potted flowering plant, or extravagant gifts on a special occasions like a 12" Wustoff chef's knife, or a set of ceramic cookware. I like for a man to notice for himself that I do not want jewels or other impractical things. Fix my computer. Mow my lawn.

When I feel really well attended, why wouldn't I be motivated to do extra for him, like when we first met?

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

@AlteredEgo ... A song I enjoy has one of stupidest lyrics in it... dude says "fuck 'em so good they wake up and wash dishes" and in my head that was always so backwards. Fucker should be rapping about "I do the dishes so good she wakes up and fucks me"

The rest of the song is about smoking good weed, so I still like the song... that part was just always so stupid though. Your post made me think of it. Time to jam

 

[AlteredEgo]

@AlteredEgo ... A song I enjoy has one of stupidest lyrics in it... dude says "fuck 'em so good they wake up and wash dishes" and in my head that was always so backwards. Fucker should be rapping about "I do the dishes so good she wakes up and fucks me"

The rest of the song is about smoking good weed, so I still like the song... that part was just always so stupid though. Your post made me think of it. Time to jam

It also seems oblivious to her true impetus. Likely, she thinks, "That was fun. I'd like to come over again. I'm damn' sure not inviting him to my house. Bitch, please. But he's a slob. Let me clean something so I can stand to hang around here some more."

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

It also seems oblivious to her true impetus. Likely, she thinks, "That was fun. I'd like to come over again. I'm damn' sure not inviting him to my house. Bitch, please. But he's a slob. Let me clean something so I can stand to hang around here some more."

FUCK that's so funny I never even thought of that. Damnit, where's @TurkeyWithaSunburn?! He's got all those old-school lpsg smilies going on, and I could really use some animation to display how much of a kick I got out of that.

 

[rtg]

Maybe she just needs more foreplay and for you to be gentler at first and be in positions that don't put you all up in her straight away. I've only ever had difficulty with one well endowed guy (who certainly wasn't the biggest) and that was because he didn't listen to me / pay attention / care about the above. Maybe give this a try, along with the suggestions made by everyone else.

 

[trapmusik6]

Big cocks can become painful. Trust me, I know this personally. Just because it's never happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all.

If I go more than several days without sex I tighten up like a virgin and it's very painful all over again.

I never refuted that....

 

[trapmusik6]

Maybe she just needs more foreplay and for you to be gentler at first and be in positions that don't put you all up in her straight away. I've only ever had difficulty with one well endowed guy (who certainly wasn't the biggest) and that was because he didn't listen to me / pay attention / care about the above. Maybe give this a try, along with the suggestions made by everyone else.

I feel like I have tried to do that. I go at her speed and only go deeper when she tells me, but apparently it hasn't work. There is always areas I can improve, especially in the sensual department. I think at times I've made it more about the sex and not her. I definitely need to change that.

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

In the first post you mentioned compromise. I'm seeing a lot here about you making changes. What did she agree to do in the spirit of compromise?

To be honest, there seem to be basic incompatibilities between you, both physically and especially emotionally. Some guys are attention givers. Some women crave constant attention. As you didn't do that naturally, it doesn't sound like you are one of those people. Now it could be that you are that way, but didn't want to smother her. Be honest with yourself when assessing these traits. Your relationship should just flow and be, without either of you having to consciously be concerned that you aren't meeting a basic need of your partner.

I speak from decades of trying so hard to be "that guy", and finally realizing that I simply wasn't. I then met someone with whom our relationship just works. It's an amazing difference..even our respective kids comment that their parents are just plain happy. She accepts me as I am, and I her. Perfect? Of course not. But we aren't turning ourselves inside-out to either fix or accept flaws.

Again, this is just one perspective from a small chunk of info you've posted here....only you know who you are and what you can do easily and what you can't. Just don't try to be someone you aren't. There's an old saying that guys enter relationships hoping the woman never changes, and she always does...and women enter relationships hoping they can change the guy, and he never does. "I can change!" is something neither of you should say, especially after only a year of long-distance relationship.

 

[Shareeka]

I agree with responses that says to ask her, but sadly, if it's the length and thickness causing the problem i don't see what's going to stop that problem... Unless she ends up liking the pain, lube etc will help to slide in better but that don't stop the pain. Just go slow, real slow.

 

[trapmusik6]

In the first post you mentioned compromise. I'm seeing a lot here about you making changes. What did she agree to do in the spirit of compromise?

To be honest, there seem to be basic incompatibilities between you, both physically and especially emotionally. Some guys are attention givers. Some women crave constant attention. As you didn't do that naturally, it doesn't sound like you are one of those people. Now it could be that you are that way, but didn't want to smother her. Be honest with yourself when assessing these traits. Your relationship should just flow and be, without either of you having to consciously be concerned that you aren't meeting a basic need of your partner.

I speak from decades of trying so hard to be "that guy", and finally realizing that I simply wasn't. I then met someone with whom our relationship just works. It's an amazing difference..even our respective kids comment that their parents are just plain happy. She accepts me as I am, and I her. Perfect? Of course not. But we aren't turning ourselves inside-out to either fix or accept flaws.

Again, this is just one perspective from a small chunk of info you've posted here....only you know who you are and what you can do easily and what you can't. Just don't try to be someone you aren't. There's an old saying that guys enter relationships hoping the woman never changes, and she always does...and women enter relationships hoping they can change the guy, and he never does. "I can change!" is something neither of you should say, especially after only a year of long-distance relationship.

Wow your assessment was quite accurate. I agree that there are incompatibilities. I agree with a large portion of what you wrote. I don't feel like I'm trying to be something I'm not but trying to do something that doesn't come as easily to me. This really had me thinking about the long term viability of our relationship, but I believe that as we spend more time together and mature that hopefully we can reach a place where we are both satisfied. I'm not gonna give up just yet lol

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

I think a lot has to do with truly understanding happiness. Once you know what makes you happy and what doesn't, it becomes easier to move your life toward a goal. SO much easier said than done. Being honest with oneself about relationships can result in so much pain, but "facing the music" as it were, is better long-term.

 

[Holly Doors]

Don't know really what to say, I'm a lover of huge dicks but I've had my share of discomfort, pain and injury. I was and still am in love with my guy which I guess gave me the focus to persivere, I always felt loved and cared for in return which helps a lot, he also really turns me on sexualy which is essential to taking on a very big penis. All that combined with plenty of lube, position, angle, mood and determination made it work for me hunni. And of course the more you practice the easier and more comfortable it becomes, I soon found once I had overcome any physical difficulties that it's the best sex I've ever had. just try to be patient and get your girl on side, without doing that it's not gonna work