Advice for my Brother

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Symphonic, Nov 14, 2009.

  1. Symphonic

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2008
    Messages:
    1,748
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    46
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Minneapolis (MN, US)
    So we're close, as family would be, but now he's gone and done something even I abhor. Last week my brother cheated on his girlfriend, and what's worse he said it was the best sex of his life. Now that man likes sex, and has had plenty more partners than I have, but he's never actually cheated on anyone before and really I don't know how to react...

    He said it was a one-time thing, and I believe him, but he doesn't want to hurt his girlfriend and has finalized that he isn't telling her. I asked if he wrapped up and he said yes, so no STD problems hopefully will arise, but what I want to ask is if anyone else has dealt with a persons' "cheatin' heart"? He knows I don't condone it but all the same I don't want to get too involved, you know?

    How would you handle this?
     
  2. hung

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2004
    Messages:
    2,766
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    51
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Stand firm on your convictions.

    Do not bother your Brother anymore regarding this.

    If he is truly serious about this being a one-time event, he will have learned his lesson and his life will be O.K.

    If he continues to cheat, he will eventually be discovered for what/who he is and you do not need to be involved; unless he is cheating with your spouse/girlfriend.

    That would be a new set of problems.

    Unfortunately none of us can control anyone, except for ourselves. As difficult as this may appear today, tomorrow - i. e. the future, he will be ok.

    Your concern is understandable, but you are really helpless.

    Once you have told your brother that you do not share his values regarding sex with others you have done all you can.

    Enjoy life and you and your brother go hunting, fishing or attend a sporting event and continue to be bonded with each other.

    I have two brothers, one in life and the other has passed on, but we as adults certainly bonded and respected each other for what/who they were/are.

    I hope this helps.
     
  3. Pendlum

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2008
    Messages:
    2,151
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Verified:
    Photo
    Tell him to not tell you about his flings. You can even go so far to say that, if he does tell you future ones, you will let his partner know. That is how much you don't want to hear it.
     
  4. hungcuriousnc

    hungcuriousnc Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2004
    Messages:
    535
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sanford, NC, USA
    I'd leave him alone. Unless he was a week before his wedding to his life-time girlfriend, mind your business.

    and be a brother and cheer him on!
     
  5. AlteredEgo

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    14,453
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6,540
    Location:
    United States
    I think you should mind your business. Trust me: the girlfriend is happier being ignorant. If hearing about this sort of thing bothers you, definitely tell him to add you to the list of people who are better off in the dark. Your brother will have learned his lesson, or he'll get his whenever what comes around goes around. There is nothing you can do but live your own life the best way you can.
     
  6. sundevil12

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2009
    Messages:
    41
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Arizona
    Verified:
    Photo
    I suppose it all narrows down to who your devotions lie with. If they lie with your brother, and this girl he's dating is someone that has no future with your family, you may do much more harm to your fraternal relationship than easing your conscience. From what I've experienced in my live, which isn't a whole lot at 20 but still more than most, lies/infidelity/deception will ALWAYS find its way to the surface without fail. If it were me, I wouldn't say anything to his gf unless they, say, get engaged and she is going to be your sister. In that case, your distaste for your brother's lie to her should be voiced to HIM FIRST, and you should do your best to get him to tell her. In all actuality, it really isn't your place to step into your brother's relationship like that. However, when it comes to be more of a "future-family" situation, then it is slightly more appropriate for you to push the truth a bit more. Hope this helps, I can't imagine it's easy to hold this in
     
  7. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    Pretend you are Amish and shun him. :redface::tongue:
     
  8. Drifterwood

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2007
    Messages:
    15,725
    Likes Received:
    386
    Location:
    Fingringhoe (GB)
    Tell him to dump his GF.
     
  9. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    you're an idiot.
     
  10. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2007
    Messages:
    4,864
    Likes Received:
    3
    although you may not agree with what he's doing, it's his business and not yours. if i were you i wouldn't say anything to his gf at all.

    however, be clear with him and let him know you aren't going to lie for him if a confrontational situation with his gf should ever arise.

    i also agree with pendlum. tell your brother not to tell you his sexcapades with other women if he continues to cheat. the less you know, the better. your mind will be at ease and not clouded with other people's bullshit.
     
  11. Enid

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2008
    Messages:
    4,402
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    181
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    My home is wherever reality seems elastic and the
    i would keep my nose out of it, but be very pained by it as well (so i can understand your plight). this is why i agree with pendlum for saying you should ask him never to tell you of his indiscretions again.
     
  12. Rikter8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2005
    Messages:
    4,488
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    51
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    MI
    If he asks for your advice, I would tell him that You dissaprove of what he's doing, but you still love him as a brother.

    If he asks further for your advice, I would tell him that he needs to not do it again, and look long and hard at his relationship with his current.
     
  13. Sergeant_Torpedo

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,409
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK
    I am always amazed about people who know everything about their siblings. Do you all share the one trailer? Stop spying and reamrking on relatives. The best thing to do with advice is pass it on.
     
  14. scotchirish

    scotchirish Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2009
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    He's human, we all fuck up once in a while. Like others have said, if you don't want to hear about it, tell him, and that you don't approve, if he really respects you and you're opinion, that will be on his mind when he's put in that situation again...because he will be, everyone is.
     
  15. SomeGuyOverThere

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2004
    Messages:
    1,496
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    This is a complicated situation I've been put in a few times. Never with a family member but often with friends. The first thing to work out is where your loyalties lie, as moral implications are all well and good but you can make life very uncomfortable for yourself and others if you aren't careful. If you start waving around the sword of truth, somebody will get hurt; make certain it isn't you.

    Personally if I think I owe it to the offended party, I will tell them what I know. I.e. if a good friend of mine is being cheated on by a girl I think is bad news, i'll tell my friend.

    However, my best friend has cheated on girlfriends in the past, and much as I disagree with him on moral grounds and find his reasons a little pathetic, my loyalty is with him. In these cases I've voiced my concerns and challenged his rationale and then left him to it.

    In your situation I'd probably tell him I don't approve and tell him to either stop doing it or stop telling me about it as it pains me to hear it.
     
  16. blooeyz

    blooeyz New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2006
    Messages:
    271
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    let him confide in you and that's it. keep your opinions to yourself He's your brother and he's a big boy and it's his life, not yours
     
  17. sexplease

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2006
    Messages:
    1,724
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    87
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Santa Monica CA
    Live with what works for you and keep your nose out of brothers relationship business.
    We all choose the paths we take in life, either consciously or subconsciously, including your brother and his partners.
    Cheating is only so, because most people fail with reality - humans, especially males are NOT by nature mostly monogamous, and assume monogamy of their partners.

    If people were more secure with themselves and deal with their fear of abandonment from their relationship partners as they usually are with their friend relationships, they would be more open and honest, which includes being happy and comfortable with each others choices, which may include sex and sexual activities.

    either be open and honest with your partners, or do them a favor and be their friend and stop screwing (pun intended) with them.
     
  18. Drifterwood

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2007
    Messages:
    15,725
    Likes Received:
    386
    Location:
    Fingringhoe (GB)
    I appreciate that I put this rather bluntly, but I do think you should advise him to move on from his current GF. I don't think that you go with other people at his age when you are happy with your partner, unless it is agreed in the relationship, which clearly it isn't.

    A lot of people think you have to behave in a certain way and stick to that no matter how much of a compromise it is. You need to ask your brother if the fact that he will now consider his current GF somewhat a disappointment in bed is a compromise that he is willing to make for the other qualities he may find in her. I would probably say no.

    He needed to talk to someone about it and he chose you. If your moral perspective limits your ability to advise him, then tell him that.
     
  19. B_MatureHungDad

    B_MatureHungDad New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2009
    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Ohio
    I say stop cock blocking your brother, who cares if he has a girl friend that is his problem and his decisons... if you dont agree just tell him... but dont try to convince him either way, just save your breath.
     
  20. Stephenmass

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,886
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Boston
    Personally, while I definitely would never betray my brothers confidences, if I liked the girlfriend of his and thought she was perfect for him (my own thoughts) because he is my brother I'd certainly let him know I don't agree with his behavior; the very fact he is my brother allows me to be perfectly frank and honest with him even if he doesn't like what he is hearing. It would also depend on how HE perceives his relationship with his g/f. He she a keeper to him? If she is, HE blew it! But I still wouldn't tell her to be honest, after all he is my brother!
     
Draft saved Draft deleted