Advice From My Fellow Men

[spectrumthreads]

Hi all, I'll apologize in advance for the length of this post.

I need help/advice on what I should do in a certain situation. A bit of brief backstory - my partner and I work for the same company in the same location. Our company is really well known, and they provide a performance opportunity (musically) for company associates each year. My partner and I talked about both auditioning, as we're both musically inclined. He and I both have access to the same information - deadlines, procedures and whatnot, as we both are on our work computers daily. As the deadline approached, we never talked about it again, nor did he bring it up, even though I'd made it really clear last year I wanted to participate this year. This has kinda become a pattern of procrastination, and where I am more of a "grab the bull by the horn" kind of guy, he is not - deadlines pass, never reaching for something new, almost passive and stagnant.

So, I took some time and auditioned for the event. I found out yesterday that I was accepted - a huge honor. When I told him (at work, as soon as I found out), I received a response I was not expecting. He was hurt, cried, and said we had decided not to do it at all, which I honestly don't recall. When I brought up my frustration that he had the same access I do, he got extremely defensive, even more so when I called him out because I had taken the opportunity while he hadn't. Later that night, he asked why I didn't say something to him, we could have worked on our separate auditions together, etc., and that he felt abandoned by the fact that I did mine without him.

Another little bit of backstory - aside from working our day jobs together, we also coach a performing arts group together. I began as a student of his (while in college), and that's how our relationship started. Since then I've volunteered my time for the past 10 years (while he gets paid) to help him and assist him with recruiting around the state, logistics and operational things, and "pushing" him to make choices for rehearsal dates, auditions, music choices, and other things when I know deadlines are approaching. So, for him to say he felt "abandoned" really shook me.

I desperately need advice from the community, as it's beginning to affect my own work and personal lives. I didn't even want to go into work today (and he didn't either, because I stayed home). I need help with what to do. Thanks gents.

 

[328982]

Hi all, I'll apologize in advance for the length of this post.

I need help/advice on what I should do in a certain situation. A bit of brief backstory - my partner and I work for the same company in the same location. Our company is really well known, and they provide a performance opportunity (musically) for company associates each year. My partner and I talked about both auditioning, as we're both musically inclined. He and I both have access to the same information - deadlines, procedures and whatnot, as we both are on our work computers daily. As the deadline approached, we never talked about it again, nor did he bring it up, even though I'd made it really clear last year I wanted to participate this year. This has kinda become a pattern of procrastination, and where I am more of a "grab the bull by the horn" kind of guy, he is not - deadlines pass, never reaching for something new, almost passive and stagnant.

So, I took some time and auditioned for the event. I found out yesterday that I was accepted - a huge honor. When I told him (at work, as soon as I found out), I received a response I was not expecting. He was hurt, cried, and said we had decided not to do it at all, which I honestly don't recall. When I brought up my frustration that he had the same access I do, he got extremely defensive, even more so when I called him out because I had taken the opportunity while he hadn't. Later that night, he asked why I didn't say something to him, we could have worked on our separate auditions together, etc., and that he felt abandoned by the fact that I did mine without him.

Another little bit of backstory - aside from working our day jobs together, we also coach a performing arts group together. I began as a student of his (while in college), and that's how our relationship started. Since then I've volunteered my time for the past 10 years (while he gets paid) to help him and assist him with recruiting around the state, logistics and operational things, and "pushing" him to make choices for rehearsal dates, auditions, music choices, and other things when I know deadlines are approaching. So, for him to say he felt "abandoned" really shook me.

I desperately need advice from the community, as it's beginning to affect my own work and personal lives. I didn't even want to go into work today (and he didn't either, because I stayed home). I need help with what to do. Thanks gents.

Hi, one thing I don’t get about this account is why you didn’t say to your partner that you were going to audition. That would seem natural to me. As the day approached, why wouldn’t you mention it? I can’t imagine doing something like that without discussion. You seem to be presenting this as a failure of initiative on his part whereas it seems more like a failure of communication on both sides, but particularly yours. I can see why your partner is upset, to be honest. And you've doubled down by making this about his lack of get up and go. I would apologise to him and go from there.

 

[spectrumthreads]

Hi, one thing I don’t get about this account is why you didn’t say to your partner that you were going to audition. That would seem natural to me. As the day approached, why wouldn’t you mention it? I can’t imagine doing something like that without discussion. You seem to be presenting this as a failure of initiative on his part whereas it seems more like a failure of communication on both sides, but particularly yours. I can see why your partner is upset, to be honest. And you've doubled down by making this about his lack of get up and go. I would apologise to him and go from there.

Thanks for the insight...at the end of the night, I did apologize, even to the point where I'm giving up the opportunity (and probably won't be able to get it again because of it), and still there's drama - he can't let go what's already been done, even after I've tried to undo it.

 

[ohiorod]

In reading your account in the original post, it seems like there may have been some time between the initial conversation and the actual deadline. If so, there appears to have been some secrecy and severe lack of communication happening. While I don’t know how long you two have been together, or even how happy you are as a couple, I get the impression that there are more serious concerns than a competition. The lack of communication, implied resentment on volunteering vs being paid and “air” between the two of you after the apology are areas that would concern me.

There are a lot of details missing, so I can’t advise how to fix his current mood. I’m not sure that giving up the opportunity that you relinquished was the best action; the lack of communication leads me to believe it could cause resentment for you and it doesn’t seem to have resolved anything for him.

I wish you luck in improving the communication in this relationship. It will take some work from both of you.

 

[Gj816]

It sounds like he's a procrastinator, on the surface. I wouldn't have withdrawn from the competition because he was and still is bent out of shape.

While you two are a couple , you are individuals as well. Each with their own wants and desires. And sometimes it's just best to have some "me" time.

 

[1222288]

Some of the notes I was going to point out have already been mentioned.

One thing I would like to say is that you don't paint your partner in the best light. Your post was very much a Me vs Him, where you are the hard worker, the philanthropist, the go-getter, and he sits on his hands at home and cries when life doesn't work out for him.

What is going on with this opportunity isn't the focus; it's a symptom of a rot in your relationship.

Communication is a problem, but the core of what seems to be going on is a lot deeper. You aren't going to find that answer here, because this is only one side to the whole of the story. I am fairly certain that if your partner posted on the same issue, the account would be entirely different.

 

[EquusAZ]

What is going on with this opportunity isn't the focus; it's a symptom of a rot in your relationship.

Communication is a problem, but the core of what seems to be going on is a lot deeper.

I agree with this. First, I have a background in music also, though I work in IT (almost got my degree in Music Ed - 1 semester away before changing degrees - long story). I know how hard it is to audition, and how much work goes into it. I think the above posters may have missed that.

Your partner may have seen you putting in extra work into getting ready to audition. He's probably not stupid, and guessed that this is what was going on. Perhaps telling himself that it wasn't true because you would tell him. Then you didn't.

You obviously, as you stated in your post, expected him to have guessed what was going on, and to read between the lines. I think he saw between the lines and either A) Ignored what he saw and is being manipulative or B) Saw what was going on and was in denial.

His reaction seems a little manipulative. On first read I thought it might not be true, but if, as you say, he wont let go of the situation, then there could be a lot more going on here.

There isn't enough information for me to make more than a cursory judgement, and that is - communicate. Be absolutely 100% clear. Never dance around the issue.

Wrong way:
You: "Babe, what do you think of auditioning this year? I'd like to."
Him: "Maybe, but not really interested."
You: "Oh, too bad."

You audition he blames you for not telling him - I could see that.

Right Way:
You: "Babe, what do you think of auditioning this year?"
Him: "Maybe, but not really interested."
You: "Too bad, I'm going to audition myself."

You audition, he can't blame you for not telling him. Its on him.

Always - ALWAYS be up front and 100% honest about what you plan on doing. Don't leave things unanswered or implied.