Advice - Lack Of Intimacy / Sex In Relationship

D

deleted5184621

Guest
Hey I’m posting this just for some advice and anything really, on this topic.

I’ve been with my partner for four and a half years. I love him so much but one thing that lacks in our relationship is intimacy and sex.

I have a high sex drive and could have sex every day, where he could probably go months without and not be bothered.

The start of the relationship we had anal, oral sex maybe the first six months or so, but this still wasn’t regular. It was more fueled from nights out drinking.

The sex we do have is really just jacking each other off and making out, which is fine, but I really want to do everything with him.

He has a very low libido and we’ve spoken about this before, it seems to be the only issue in our relationship, we get on great, everything else is fine... I’m so sympathetic to how he feels, I am and have been for the whole relationship. It then makes me feel bad for wanting to have sex with him, if that makes sense? I never initiate sex because everytime I have before, it’s been declined... so I always leave it to him to do but then this could be weeks or months before even a quick fumble happens.

I know it isn’t to do with me, but it always makes me feel unattractive and bad about myself.. like why wouldn’t my partner want to?

I’ve been contemplating bringing this up again, as for me, I don’t want to have a sexless life and I’m worried that this will be a continuing thing in the future.. but in the same breathe, I obviously don’t want the relationship to end. Anytime I bring it up, it never goes over well.. it’s a difficult thing to bring up.

He has said before this has broken past relationships for him, so to me I think why would he not want to try and fix that?

I don’t know what to say or how to approach this subject again... any advice or similar stories from your own experiences would be great?
 

Notaes

Superior Member
Joined
Mar 9, 2015
Posts
4,404
Media
0
Likes
6,113
Points
158
Location
Tennessee
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Male
I have never seen a guy that could go weeks without sex. Has he had his testosterone checked lately? I am 67 yrs old and crave sex everyday. I bet his T is on the low end. I bet this could be fixed with a few simple test. Best of luck to you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: WilliamG
D

deleted1074483

Guest
hey mate i've been there exactly the same position myself. i was in my ltr for over 7 years with very little sex - at the start we were very communicative and he had lots of great personality traits but i knew he had a low libido but we had lots of affection and would cuddle etc. Over time, more so after we moved in together more and more he'd not want to do anything involving intimacy and like you i tried to raise the issue in discussion. Those discussions nearly always ended with him saying it was because of something i'd done wrong. It reached the point when he moved into a separate bedroom and i just felt so alone, confused and rejected.

i'd suggested we went to couple counselling as i did love him and wanted to try to make it work, but though he said he would, when it came to it he kept backing out and wouldn't engage.

Eventually i had to say to him that i could not cope with a relationship where there was not even any affection and where it seemed i could do nothing right at all. And i ended it.

interestingly now 8/9 years later we're still friends.

but ultimately you cannot go through life in a relationship where both partners are not fully committed to making it work which involves fully discussing the issues and working out a plan and where you feel as you describe - eventually you will come to despise him.

i'd suggest you seek couples counselling as a 3rd party may be able to get him to open up and explore why he feels this way and i hope that unlike my partner yours engages and works on it with you.

if he doesn't then you do need to consider if you can stay in such a relationship.

but seriously good luck, you're not the first to go through this, i hope it works out for you
 
  • Like
Reactions: WilliamG

Gr8one

Sexy Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jun 23, 2006
Posts
75
Media
8
Likes
85
Points
338
Location
San Diego (California, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
I am in the same boat @Dino111

In fact, I went as far as to assume that my significant other was cheating on me. It's to the point now that anything that is said to me feels fake or condescending.The phrase, "I love you" feels forced and unnatural. I brought it up once and all this did was make me out to be the bad guy.

I think I actually masturbate more now than I did when I was single. I get and excited but also feel guilty when I get attention from others outside my relationship. It's tough! I'm in a constant struggle with my emotions and my sex drive. But what can we do? Right?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Hatched69

Phil Ayesho

Superior Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2008
Posts
6,189
Media
0
Likes
2,789
Points
333
Location
San Diego
Sexuality
69% Straight, 31% Gay
Gender
Male
I am in the same boat @Dino111

In fact, I went as far as to assume that my significant other was cheating on me. It's to the point now that anything that is said to me feels fake or condescending.The phrase, "I love you" feels forced and unnatural. I brought it up once and all this did was make me out to be the bad guy.

I think I actually masturbate more now than I did when I was single. I get and excited but also feel guilty when I get attention from others outside my relationship. It's tough! I'm in a constant struggle with my emotions and my sex drive. But what can we do? Right?
You can wait for the inevitable resentment to build and ultimately poison your feelings for your mate.

You guys are allowing your mate to control the relationship thru their lower sex drive.
If they do not actively seek to deal with their inconsiderate lack of reciprocal sexual interest, then Its a kind of manipulation.

I once went for 3 years without sex despite the fact that the woman beside me in bed was drop dead gorgeous. I don't know if she was trying to punish me for something... had lost interest in me in particular... or simply had no sex drive whatsoever. She refused to address it, and when it finally came to counseling, she would not entertain any suggestion that maybe she could see a doctor, try testosterone, or be suffering from low libido- she settled on blaming me for not being 'manly enough'.

The therapist actually stopped right there and looked at her...and then asked her if she might want to walk back that statement because it possibly the worst thing a woman could say to her man.

She refused.
The therapist then looked at me with an expression on her face like " This relationship can't be saved".


If you stay in a relationship in which your needs for intimacy are never met, you will eventually find that love is replaced by a cold hard knot of resentment.

Stop wasting your time and your mate's time. If they refuse to be proactive in being your lover, let them go.
Try and find someone whose physical needs better align with your own.
 

Notaes

Superior Member
Joined
Mar 9, 2015
Posts
4,404
Media
0
Likes
6,113
Points
158
Location
Tennessee
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Male
I know for myself I could not live in a relationship without intimacy and sex. Testosterone injections can fix this issue. I take an injection every week. My wife gives them to me and I crave fucking her all the time. The doseage can be adjusted to fix the issue. Both individuals have to be willing to work and fix this issue. Eventually, I know for me it would blow up! I don’t know of anyone who could live in a sexless situation like this because it can be fixed. I have a brother n law whom is in his fifties and his wife had Surgery which she says caused he to not have any desire for sex. Her doctor told her this could be fixed with a hormone patch. She doesn’t wear one half the time. She doesn’t care about her husbands needs. It’s sad a man in his fifties with a sexless wife. I could not live with someone like her. Its all about her!
 
  • Like
Reactions: WilliamG

longstroke7

Mythical Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2011
Posts
11,555
Media
0
Likes
27,775
Points
318
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
There's always an underlying cause to a dead bedroom. Depression, medical reasons, infidelity...people just don't up and decide one day to stop fucking their lover.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Notaes

Notaes

Superior Member
Joined
Mar 9, 2015
Posts
4,404
Media
0
Likes
6,113
Points
158
Location
Tennessee
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Male
Men are made to fuck and have sex. My libido is very high and I’m 67 years old and could fuck everyday. My wife is pretty attentive to my needs and she fucks me regularly. She knows I have to have sex. It’s who I am! We have @ pretty great relationship. Been married going on 37 years. She knows my needs and cares for them. How men live in a sexless relationship I do not know. I could not do it my sex drive is so strong. Men are just geared to have sex. It’s how God created us and creation depends upon our having sex. I love sex and the intimacy as a result. It makes me want to be a better man.
 

WilliamG

Worshipped Member
Verified
Gold
Cammer
Joined
May 31, 2018
Posts
3,134
Media
40
Likes
11,752
Points
433
Location
Los Angeles, California, US
Verification
View
Sexuality
69% Straight, 31% Gay
Gender
Male
I know for myself I could not live in a relationship without intimacy and sex. Testosterone injections can fix this issue. I take an injection every week.

I do them as every week as well. A few years back I had horrible anxiety and panic attacks. My general doctor wanted to give me an anti-depressant because left unchecked many fall into depression. I was having zero sex for over a year after taking it. Then I started seeing an Integrative Medicine doctor who recommended testosterone for it's "off label" benefit of reducing anxiety. Now my T values at the time were just under the minimum normal level. I still take a very small dose of the anti-depressant. But the change with testosterone injections was almost immediate. During sex, I can control the hardness. My doctor told me many get a sense of "confidence" during sex while using T. Wasn't sure what he meant at the time. But now I do!
 

Gr8one

Sexy Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jun 23, 2006
Posts
75
Media
8
Likes
85
Points
338
Location
San Diego (California, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
Thanks for the insight... Much appreciated!

You can wait for the inevitable resentment to build and ultimately poison your feelings for your mate.

You guys are allowing your mate to control the relationship thru their lower sex drive.
If they do not actively seek to deal with their inconsiderate lack of reciprocal sexual interest, then Its a kind of manipulation.

I once went for 3 years without sex despite the fact that the woman beside me in bed was drop dead gorgeous. I don't know if she was trying to punish me for something... had lost interest in me in particular... or simply had no sex drive whatsoever. She refused to address it, and when it finally came to counseling, she would not entertain any suggestion that maybe she could see a doctor, try testosterone, or be suffering from low libido- she settled on blaming me for not being 'manly enough'.

The therapist actually stopped right there and looked at her...and then asked her if she might want to walk back that statement because it possibly the worst thing a woman could say to her man.

She refused.
The therapist then looked at me with an expression on her face like " This relationship can't be saved".


If you stay in a relationship in which your needs for intimacy are never met, you will eventually find that love is replaced by a cold hard knot of resentment.

Stop wasting your time and your mate's time. If they refuse to be proactive in being your lover, let them go.
Try and find someone whose physical needs better align with your own.
 

51arledge

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Sep 11, 2010
Posts
1,924
Media
8
Likes
4,756
Points
393
Location
Virginia
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
You can wait for the inevitable resentment to build and ultimately poison your feelings for your mate.

You guys are allowing your mate to control the relationship thru their lower sex drive.
If they do not actively seek to deal with their inconsiderate lack of reciprocal sexual interest, then Its a kind of manipulation.

I once went for 3 years without sex despite the fact that the woman beside me in bed was drop dead gorgeous. I don't know if she was trying to punish me for something... had lost interest in me in particular... or simply had no sex drive whatsoever. She refused to address it, and when it finally came to counseling, she would not entertain any suggestion that maybe she could see a doctor, try testosterone, or be suffering from low libido- she settled on blaming me for not being 'manly enough'.

The therapist actually stopped right there and looked at her...and then asked her if she might want to walk back that statement because it possibly the worst thing a woman could say to her man.

She refused.
The therapist then looked at me with an expression on her face like " This relationship can't be saved".


If you stay in a relationship in which your needs for intimacy are never met, you will eventually find that love is replaced by a cold hard knot of resentment.

Stop wasting your time and your mate's time. If they refuse to be proactive in being your lover, let them go.
Try and find someone whose physical needs better align with your own.

Phil is right on target. The enemy in any relationship is resentment---I know because I've been there.
My husband's disability made sex difficult and rare, and then further illnesses and medications made sex impossible. Meanwhile, I was taking on more and more caregiver responsibilities.
I"be posted in other threads about Dan Savage (Savage Love podcast) and Esther Perel (book:The State of Affairs) making the point that it's very nearly impossible for one partner to meet all of ones need (sexual, emotional, social, fiscal, physical, etc). So if you want to save your relationship, such as it is, you will need to outsource the answers to these needs.
We got there through counseling, but the details are still being worked on.
After 32 years if history, I still think he's worth it----as long as I can get my sex and intimacy from others.
Resentment is a poison.
 
  • Like
Reactions: cedarizzo

Phil Ayesho

Superior Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2008
Posts
6,189
Media
0
Likes
2,789
Points
333
Location
San Diego
Sexuality
69% Straight, 31% Gay
Gender
Male
There's always an underlying cause to a dead bedroom. Depression, medical reasons, infidelity...people just don't up and decide one day to stop fucking their lover.
Some people really do just have no sex drive... They WANT a relationship because otherwise life is lonely, and so they can Fake sexuality for a period of time in order to win someone over. But as soon as they feel secure in your affections, they simply stop trying to pretend they are interested.
 
4

4388301

Guest
Semi-recently and in the past my (male) partner got their T level checked and it is supposedly within norms. Pretty much completely dead end as far as having sex goes, though. I got tired of bein' rejected all the time so I leave it entirely up to them to initiate, so they do not feel pressured and I do not get rejected.

If it is not overly personal a question, those of ya who are getting testosterone injections, is it a relatively low key thing? Expensive? Excessively painful? I am so tentative o suggesting my partner talk to their doc, because I do not want them to think I believe something is wrong with them. Mostly sexless relationship for the last 3 years though is very rough.
 

maxsquared

Sexy Member
Gold
Platinum Gold
Joined
Apr 22, 2011
Posts
34
Media
0
Likes
60
Points
413
I came here to post this.

I am horny all the time, but my partner of 20 years would go weeks and sometimes months without sex. Since lockdown I’ve been wanting sex more, but every time just rejections.

I brought up a few times to see someone about it, but at first he would say there is nothing wrong with him, now he has all sorts of excuses, like headaches or back pain or whatever.

I thought I’d open up conversation with him about opening up the relationship, but knowing him, it wouldn’t go down well, it is seriously a problem now, as I started to stay in the living room in our 1 bed flat. I can’t believe I had to deal with this for the past 18 years or so....
 

erpap

Worshipped Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jan 4, 2016
Posts
6,902
Media
0
Likes
12,894
Points
258
Location
United States
Verification
View
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
I know for myself I could not live in a relationship without intimacy and sex. Testosterone injections can fix this issue. I take an injection every week. My wife gives them to me and I crave fucking her all the time. The doseage can be adjusted to fix the issue. Both individuals have to be willing to work and fix this issue. Eventually, I know for me it would blow up! I don’t know of anyone who could live in a sexless situation like this because it can be fixed. I have a brother n law whom is in his fifties and his wife had Surgery which she says caused he to not have any desire for sex. Her doctor told her this could be fixed with a hormone patch. She doesn’t wear one half the time. She doesn’t care about her husbands needs. It’s sad a man in his fifties with a sexless wife. I could not live with someone like her. Its all about her!
Any side effects for the testosterone injections?
 
1

13810261

Guest
Men are made to fuck and have sex. My libido is very high and I’m 67 years old and could fuck everyday. My wife is pretty attentive to my needs and she fucks me regularly. She knows I have to have sex. It’s who I am! We have @ pretty great relationship. Been married going on 37 years. She knows my needs and cares for them. How men live in a sexless relationship I do not know. I could not do it my sex drive is so strong. Men are just geared to have sex. It’s how God created us and creation depends upon our having sex. I love sex and the intimacy as a result. It makes me want to be a better man.
Would love some info on the T shots can u buy over the counter or prescription
 

Sagittarius84

Legendary Member
Joined
May 16, 2018
Posts
2,108
Media
0
Likes
2,201
Points
158
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
There's always an underlying cause to a dead bedroom. Depression, medical reasons, infidelity...people just don't up and decide one day to stop fucking their lover.
No, they made the subconscious decision long ago to utilize sex as a means to acquire and keep a mate instead of committing to the hard work of building a partnership not based on sex...or specifically in the case of a lot of people they enjoy the perks that come with a sexually driven man as opposed to the somewhat asexual man as he doesn't check off specific desires. It's ultimately less work to keep a sexually driven man, so that in itself is an attractive prospect...it's just the reduced workload is work they can't really commit to.