Advice needed for a young gay couple

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rangisrovus19, Aug 13, 2008.

  1. rangisrovus19

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    Hi everybody. I've been on this website for a few years now, mostly just eyeballing everything and sometimes getting into some conversations. But now I am getting into something very serious, and I need some advice from you guys.


    FYI: For privacy, I will use the name "J" in the place of my boyfriend.


    My boyfriend and I have been in a pretty serious relationship for almost a year (in september). He is a former gymnast, and currently a health and exercise science major and also a coach at the gymnastics academy he grew up in. Gymnastics took over most of his time from when he was 7 until he threw in the towel at the end of his senior year of high school. Now, he is a coach for younger girls. He has a super job, which has opened many doors for him, and it will only get better. I am very proud of his dedication.

    As for me, I am a studio arts major wanting to pursue a career in fashion. I have a very stern personality, backed up with confidence and just wanting to get things done. J is the most genuine person I have ever met and everybody loves him. He is extremely and sometimes too kind. But that is what makes him such a special and warm person.

    Here is my problem.

    J and I love each other. Very much so and we know each other more than anyone. When I came out to my parents years ago (maybe 5) it took them a couple of years to become OK with the fact they had a gay son. The same thing with J, except he just came out a few years ago (maybe 2). His parents are very stubborn people. They are very religious but do not tend to apply true Christian morals towards everyday events. My parents love J, I have brought him around them and they grew to love him. I did not meet J's parents because of the fear of what they might say, do, think, or react towards me and more importantly, J.

    J just had a major, major jaw surgery. He will be on a liquid diet for 6 weeks and everyday activities are extremely limited. My mother and I went up to the hospital yesterday to see him when he was transferred out of the ICU. His mother was there. Keep in mind, I have never met J's mother. When my mother and I walked into the room, J couldn't speak and his mother did not even acknowledge my mother and I's existence, only when I directly shook her hand when greeting myself and asking her questions about the surgery. She mostly stared out the window or watched the TV. When my mother and I left, she understood how J's mother felt, but still acknowledged the awkwardness.

    Today J was at home resting. I went to see him at his house I have only been to a few times, when his parents were not home. Yes, J still lives with his parents and attends college. It was the only option he had. (This has nothing to do with him being a homosexual, and is another story).

    Anyway, when J's father returned home, he did not acknowledge me and went to his room to change out of his work clothing. When he came back out, we saw each other for the first time. When I asked how he was doing, he responded in a very cruel tone 'not good. but thanks for asking', then turn away and went outside. I asked J if he was mad because I was here, and he gave me a 'yes, maybe' gesture. That was my first impression of J's father. and Mother.

    I do not know what to do. My baby is recovering from an awful procedure that has left him helpless for weeks. I can not go on that long without seeing J, he is my world.

    I am asking you fellow LPSG members, have any of you been in a situation with conflicting parental situations like this? Do you have any advice you could give to me? What should I do about J's parents?

    Thank you.
     
  2. Xcuze

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    You cant force people to accept situations. The best you can do is just hope that they gradually accept the situation over time. When they realise that you intend to stay together long term they may just soften their attitude. Religious people can be extra difficult to deal with though coz they convince themselves that theyre homophobia is legitimate - acording to the bible. Just concentrate on each other & hope that those around you see how happy you are & then eventually give you their blessing.
     
  3. dc9

    dc9
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    I will respond by saying, that your love is all that matters. If you and J truly are meant to be together, love will find a way.
    Give his parents time. They need to see that the two of you are committed to one another.
    I wish the two of you the best.
    and I hope J recovers soon.
    Peace
     
  4. Rikter8

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    Offer to help out, if nothing else.
    Mabee that will show them that your a part of his life - rather they like it or not, and that you want to help.

    I remember having my jaw wired shut...it was a BIOTCH.
    Myoplex breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
    I think the most awful part was the nasal drops that you had to enhale to keep your air passages open... That shit burned straight down, and then you cough...with a wired mouth.

    It's great. Just be there for him if possible.
     
  5. Gl3nn

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    Only you and J matter, keep that in mind.

    You go visit him when you want, when his parents see how much you care about him, they may grow to like you. Give it time
     
  6. Stephenmass

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    My guess is they already know about you and J, and the coldness you are receiving from them is their nonacceptance of it. Give them time to get past it. In the meantime, I agree with maybe go over occasionally with liquids, maybe soup broth or whatever you may know J likes, hell even a milkshake must be great now.

    Keep me posted if you want as I have had similar issues.
     
  7. flame boy

    flame boy Account Disabled

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    I wouldn't worry what his parents think. If you guys are in love and want to be together you wont let anything stand in your way. You just need to stick at going round there and not let his parents bother you. Yes it's their son and they have just met his boyfriend for the first time so they will need a bit of time.

    I have been in a very similar situation and all you need to do is rise above it. Once they see you are just a nice, normal person they will eventually drop the whole "stand offish" thing. Best of luck, hope your man gets well soon! :cool:
     
  8. erratic

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    Keep seeing him when you can. Once he's mobile again things will get better. It's all temporary.

    Right now, use this time to show his parents how much you care for their son. Be nice to him, visit him, make him laugh. Bring him something like flowers he can have you in the room even when you're not there. Don't bother trying to talk to his parents. The longer you keep showing how much you love him and how happy you make him the sooner one of them is going to crack and be on your side. It may be a long time from now and even longer before you find out about it, but when that day comes you'll have scored one for all of us.
     
  9. willie33184

    willie33184 New Member

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    I think gay ppl have been to nice about this issue...we say well we just need to let str8 ppl get used to the idea..F*CK THAT!! We shouldn't go around them and let them get used to it this is AMERICA and we have the right to love who we want to love without limitations!! If his parents can't accept it then that falls onto them seeing you would probably brighten his day everytime!! WE'RE HERE, WE'RE QUEER...GET USED TO IT!!:biggrin1:
     
  10. Not_Punny

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    His parents are probably hoping that you -- and their son's homosexuality -- will just go away.

    Take the high road.

    Continue to visit. Be pleasant.

    But don't take it personally, and don't resent your partner for being unable to control the actions of his parents.
     
  11. browser50

    browser50 New Member

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    I agree with all the above. Continue to see J and ask if there is anything you can do to assist. Stay polite with his parents. They may or may not change over time but that is not your issue or J's. Best luck and wished to you both.
     
  12. D_Ollyvalle Treegirth

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    Wow. I feel for you, it's a touching story. Of course it's a bad situation, but I'd say there's a glimmer of hope. For some people it really takes long time to accept. They have certainly been cold to you -- and I know that feels awful --- but at the very least they didn't throw you out. Even the father's "Thanks for asking" --- I know it seems a small thing, but sometimes people simply can't relax their fears and prejudices, and his saying that might've been a tiny window-opening -- almost like a very slight acknowledgement that he at least understands you're a person with feelings and worthy of a minimum of respect. I know it sounds pathetic to be "content" with that -- but you might have to for now. At least they're not trying actively to keep you apart; they implicitly acknowldge your right to be in their son's life. But their coldness might be something they feel deep-down ceompelled to display, in some weird way to be true to some sort of basic "belief" (i.e. fear) they've always held.
    Your job now is to stay compassionately involved in J's life and continue to try to be pleasant to THEM. I really beleive people eventually find it too hard to go on hating someone they'll eventually see as kind and open and compassionate. (They'd eventually have to face themselves as hate-filled bigots or zealots, which few people are willing to do. It's human nature for most of us to want to think of ourselves as generous and open to kindness from others.)
     
  13. CUBE

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    good for you for having the strength of character to go beyond the uncomfortable bs and being with your man when he needs you...being there is in fact what a true man is...so cheers for you guy...regards
     
  14. TurkeyWithaSunburn

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    She's right, it's not YOU that they don't want to know, it's the idea of you.

    I was watching Grey's Anatomy and one character said about her half sister "it's not that I hate her, I don't even know her, it's just that I hate the idea of her" And that about sums it up. They know of you, they know the relationship, but they don't like it. So don't take it personally, and try to be understanding, at least they didn't throw you out of the house etc...
     
  15. Knick

    Knick New Member

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    Hey--you and J are great!

    I know the bitter feeling of rejection, and can well imagine how angry you are at his parents for their treatment of you and of their son.

    I think the advice that others have been giving is exactly right: find ways to let them know who you are, so that they can relate to you as an individual, not as a representative of a group.

    And eventually, the degree to which they accept you is a reflection of the degree to which they really love their son. If J is important to them, if his happiness is really their happiness, they will come around. But if they are narcissistic--they type of parents for whom their children are there only to meet the parents' needs (and yes, there are such parents, lots of them), they will do no more than tolearate you.

    The second situation is not great, but is a possibility. If it comes about, you should take some comfort in realizing how much they are missing in life, how much people like that are denying themselves. One of the pinnacle experiences of life is watching your children's lives unfold, and rejoicing in their happiness quite independently of your own. And it is this experience that these people will never have.

    You will have J and your relationship. They will have a bitterness and disappointment that they have chosen for themselves.

    I wish you all the best.
     
  16. luchoarg

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    First of all, you guys, your sincerity and these kind of topics make completely worth being here. I`m happy for "all of us".
    For you rangis..., I understand you: I`m also in a conflictive familiar situation, but we live together with my bf and no with our parents.
    I agree with everything said here: donĀ“t confront them or try to explain yourself, show them that your feelings are real and that you are there, by the person you love, cause you want to be there, no by obligation or by a "fisical desire".
    Hope everything gets better soon.
    Peace
     
  17. D_ShiaLeTubeSteak

    D_ShiaLeTubeSteak New Member

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    my best friend has cancer, and he's been in hospital for ages after he had his tumour removed, and his parents do like me, bug I always get the feeling I'm not wanted, but because he's like a brother to me, I think that its between him and me, and if his parents can't accept their own sons basic needs, then they will never accept anything.

    Untill you have explained the situation ... Which will be incredibly awkward ... They probrably won't understand what you'd do for *j.

    X
     
  18. rangisrovus19

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    Thank you all for your input. I am very glad that there are, in fact, people on this earth that actually act like human beings. With human emotions... Life.

    I totally understand what the right thing to do it. I am there for him, and only him, and will be happy to help J's parents if they ask for it. I feel like things are going to become much better for everybody. Including J and I.

    Thank you
     
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