Advice needed on gay couple I know

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by adelaide_guy_1988, Jul 30, 2010.

  1. adelaide_guy_1988

    adelaide_guy_1988 New Member

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    I decided to post this thread in order to get your opinions about a gay couple I'm friends with.

    Let's call them Dean and Adrian. They're in an open relationship and they say they only play together, ie threesomes, etc.

    I've arranged to meet them for threesomes before, but they always cancel at the last minute and say that they are busy, or that something else has come up, etc.

    Now, I've chatted with a few other gay guys in the local area (it's a rural area where we live, so all us gay guys know each other, lol!) and almost all of them say that the same thing has happened to them, ie arranging for a threesome and being cancelled on by Dean and Adrian at the last minute.

    Apparently it is because one of them, Adrian, isn't into the open relationship things as much as Dean. Certainly, it would seem that it is Dean who is always asking other guys to have threesomes with them.

    My question is: Do you think given the information that I've given, that Dean would interested in 1-on-1 action with me?

    I'm not saying that I would make a move on him, or anything, but just wanted to know where I might stand with him.

    Another bit of information that might be helpful: I arranged to meet up with Dean a little while ago for a drink at a bar, on weekend when Adrian was out of town. He seemed a little flirty, perhaps even acting a little awkward. I wasn't able to stay long, as I had other places to be, but he seemed to be disappointed that I couldn't hang out longer. He even suggested we go to another bar.

    Do you think he was up for something a little more then?
     
  2. sinbad1

    sinbad1 Member

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    I'd say that Dean is very interested in having some fun on the side, the primary problem is that together they are not really into threesomes ...I suspect that it is only Dean who wants to play outside the relationship and he can't bring himself around to the idea of having sex outside the relationship would be cheating so he says they only play together - hoping that he can find someone who will tick all the boxes for Adrian and allow them both to enjoy the third person.

    I personally would say stay away as Dean, he clearly hasn't worked out who he is, what he wants and sorted out things with his partner. It is more than likely that if you do hook-up there will be some drama.

    Threesomes can be fun but only when ALL three people understand what they are doing.
     
  3. Chase1600

    Chase1600 Member

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    Yup. Why not take your time and see how things play out with Dean and Adrian. I wouldn't want to be the guy who broke up a couple, and surely you don't want to do that, but it reads as if Dean's commitment to Adrian is anything but monogamous. And although, Adrian is apparently unwilling to try a three-way, you haven’t given any other clues about him. Of course, what I don’t know is whether “time” has already played out with respect to all this except that apparently Dean and Adrian are still living as a couple with some sort of commitment.

    Next, how do you feel? Are you interested in a relationship with Dean – or Adrian, for that matter – or would you just like to play some? It’s a small town and if you plan to stay there, you want your actions to be in the context that you will be living there a long time and everyone will always know you. If Adrian and Dean come to the point that they are obviously living an open relationship and you want to have some fun with one, the other, or both, at the same time, or separately, that’s going to be fine as far as your standing in the gay community in your small town and go for it when the time comes and have a good time. If one breaks with the other, and you are interested in either, make your move.

    My suspicion is that there is something about the Dean and Adrian relationship that must be unsettled; you don’t have to help move it along; let things happen; and meanwhile you can be thinking whether any of thing that might happen in the future will be of interest to you.
     
  4. Bbucko

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    Personally, I think that Dean is in a very different place relative to their relationship than Adrian is, and the strain that results is showing.

    When you engage with a couple, you need to understand their dynamic as a couple (not just as two individuals). Given that you are aware of Adrian's existence and his discomfort with opening up the relationship, anything you do on the side with Dean makes you an accomplice to whatever drama ensues. This is ugly karma and, again, in my opinion, a dumb move.

    Even the smallest pond has more than two fish in it: move on before you get tangled into something you'd really rather not be in. This is why, increasingly, I'm preferring multiples of strangers rather than playing with couples: for every one couple who plays great with others, there are three or four for whom opening the relationship has just exposed their dysfunction to a broader audience than would otherwise be the case.
     
  5. yhtang

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    You mentioned you live in a community where you all know each other. It appears Dean is interested in you but he is with Adrian. Should you choose to play with Dean, I have no doubt that this "news" will eventually come out. Along the line, should Adrian decide he is not comfortable with Dean's preference for multiple sex partner, Adrian might choose to break up with Dean.

    When this happens, people tend to put two and two together and come up with four hundred, leaving you as the main reason for the break-up of Dean and Adrian. The truth of the matter is irrelevant, that would be how it is perceived, and you would most probably enjoy star billing as the bad guy.

    You might wish to consider this scenario before you make the next move.

    Best of luck on the situation. Hope all works out in the end.
     
  6. adelaide_guy_1988

    adelaide_guy_1988 New Member

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    Sorry, double posted the reply below, at #8.
     
    #6 adelaide_guy_1988, Jul 31, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2010
  7. houtx48

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    Drama Queen................... sounds like shit stirring to me.
     
  8. adelaide_guy_1988

    adelaide_guy_1988 New Member

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    Sounds like a good idea.

    I'm trying to think a bit more about any other clues, etc, about Adrian.

    The only things I can think of are that I've chatted to both Dean and Adrian over the internet a fair bit (met them both in person as well, of course), though more so with Dean and the conversation is totally different.

    With Dean it is quite a bit flirty, etc, talking about what we are into sexually (though in the context of a threesome), whereas with Adrian it is totally non-sexual and the conversation can even seem a bit awkward.

    Also, another gay guy who I know has had a similar experience with them. Now, this guy didn't even know they were an open relationship, so his interest in them was entirely non-sexual friends.

    However, he says they seem particularly hap-hazard and non-committal about even being friends. They are always friendly with him when they happen to meet him at a bar, etc, but after the first few occassions, they always seemed 'too busy' to arrange a time to meet. He said, 'I don't know where I stand with them'.

    Not sure, exactly what you mean by this. Do you mean that perhaps with the issues they seem to have between them in their relationship, it may already be on 'borrowed time'.

    Well, yes, I would be interested in a relationship with Dean, however the fact that I will be leaving the town I live in early 2011, would make this difficult; given that Dean (and Adrian for that matter), have just moved here and appear to be planning on staying at least in the foreseeable future.

    Would I be interested in Adrian? To be honest, no. He is a very nice guy, good looking (though Dean more so) and good personality, but overall we're not particularly compatible. Also, I would prefer to be in an open relationship, so if Adrian's isn't keen on this idea (and it is causing the trouble between Dean and him), then it wouldn't be a good idea to get involved with him.

    I definintely think the issue of open vs closed should be discussed at the start of a relationship (even if there is no desire to open up the relationship until a long way down the track); so that both partners are 'on the same page' about it. Obviously, not being on the same page may be causing trouble between Dean and Adrian at the moment.


    As I said above, I actually plan to move away from the town I live currently live in, in early 2011, to go to university.

    Not that I suppose it matters to the question I asked; but thought I would include that, since you mentioned it.

    With regards to the above part of my first post, I just remembered something else that happened then that might be relevant to the question.

    When Dean and I were chatting about other gay guys we knew in the local area, he kept mentioning several gay couples he knew and how some of the guys had flirted with them when they met seperately. He mentioned how they obviously 'cheat' on their partners (his exact term). He mentioned that he had met quiet a few partnered guys who flirted with him; he seemed to dwell on this point for quite a while.

    IMHO, this means that he either:

    a) has very strong moral views on cheating and was making it clear that Adrian and himself weren't like that

    b) that he was trying to provide an 'opening' in the conversation for me to ask, whether he would be interested in 1-on-1 action.


    What do you all think?
     
    #8 adelaide_guy_1988, Jul 31, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2010
  9. flame boy

    flame boy Account Disabled

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    My advice would to not get yourself mixed up with their relationship, things can and will get very messy. If he wants to fool around with others then he should be prepared to break off his relationship first. I would avoid any sexual contact at all costs. It sounds to me like they have deeper problems to work out, and getting involved will only drag you in to the mix.
     
  10. heist

    heist New Member

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    Do you mind being a homewrecker? Because if you've read the situation wrong, all the blame will be very easy to shift onto you (even if it's not the truth). As the others have said, it's probably best to stay away. Why cause unnecessary trouble?
     
  11. green carnation

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    you want someone who is already in a relationship, and you will then break up with them in a few months time when you are planning to move away?
    Not nice.
     
  12. helgaleena

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    Dean and Adrian need to work out some problems. You do not want to be yet another problem. Or do you?

    Because 'Dean and Adrian' are a couple still. Keep out of it until they break up, if they do, and then have your fun with only one. Etiquette with couples is that you give both of them full disclosure of anything you do of an intimate nature, with either of them.

    One of their problems seems to be that Dean keeps promising Adrian will be along, and Adrian didn't know a thing about it until later! Of course he'll cancel if he hadn't been in on the plans from the beginning.
     
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