Advice on an ex boyfriend

Cdkcdk92

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Hi everyone, I'm after a little bit of advice.

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for a year, a few years back. We are both in our mid twenties, but when we dated we we're 21/22. His parents are Indian, didn't know he was gay, until they met me. I also took his virginity. Things didn't really work out, I fell out of love and found a new partner, however once that also ended, I ended up kind of getting back with my ex again. We we're more friends with benefits, who went out on dates, sleepovers, very casual...eventually that ended, and we just naturally stopped hanging out.

I moved to Asia for work, and we started talking again, just friendly chats, but that led into cyber sex, phone sex, masturbating videos, etc. We've done this countless times now. However, when we were having cyber sex, sending each other videos, I sent a video of me fucking a guy...I honestly thought he'd find it hot...well, he most certainly didn't. He got angry at me and said "Why would I want to see you fuck somebody else??" and ended the chat. He now won't give me the time of day, treats me kind of coldly and things just aren't the same....so I guess I'm asking - would you be offended by that? Do you think he still likes me? I thought it was innocent fun, but he REALLY didn't like that.

I guess in a way I feel like a bit of a dick because his a perfect match for me, and I feel like I've always hurt him..I broke up with him, took his virginity, broke up with him again, moved on, and now I've hurt him again. I think I should just end everything with him, block, move on, but something always pulls us back together. I honestly didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but I guess thats what I did.
 

winesthel945

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It's hard to know without more details whether you really did anything "dickish," but there's something called the "campsite rule" that is pretty useful. Called the "campsite rule" -- because it (supposedly) comes from the first rule for Boy Scouts when they go out into the wilderness on camping trips -- is simple: Always leave your campsite better than when you found it.

When you're dating a newly "out" person who is experiencing all their firsts: first sex, first romantic relationship, everything is very fraught and fragile. So you have to be extra careful to be sensitive to their fears and concerns, and help them navigate all the new feelings and expectations. This is why some people do not date people who are newly out or inexperienced in relationships... it is lot of work to "improve the campsite."

From what you describe, those things are not inherently wrong or bad, and maybe he's just being overly sensitive or emotional about seeing the video you sent. Maybe he thought you were trying to get back together and the video of you with someone else was jarring and unexpected and brought up all his fears and jealousies in a painful rush. Could you have asked him if he wanted to see such a thing before sending it? Sure. Are you a dick for not doing that? Meh... probably not. Is he clearly still in a precarious emotional state? Absolutely. Should you welcome this opportunity to let him drift away, maybe let him forget about you a little bit and move on with his life? Probably.

I don't know if you were a dick before, but you can certainly avoid being a dick from now on by apologizing and letting him know you realize now that reconnecting with him may be causing him more pain and that you two should probably not talk or interact on regular basis any more and get on with your lives. You don't have to block him, but after you discuss this a little bit (briefly!) you should be the 'stronger' person and not respond to him. You can be there for him if he truly has some emergency in the future, you're not cutting off everything... but resist the temptation to chat with any frequency so that you don't lapse into old habits.

Letting him go, even if it's hard, and even if it seems a little dickish right now, is less dickish in the long run.

Good luck!
 

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Sounds like we need some more information, why did you break it off with him previous times.

From what you’ve already said it seems to me like you either like being in control of the relationship and need everything on your terms. Sort of like a pick up and put down when you like.

Either that or I get the feeling you love to be important to your partners e.g. behind their first, being the secret boyfriend from the family, the classic “treat them mean, keep them keen” then dump them when they don’t excite you any more. That’s why you skipped that video in and when he got upset and made it clear to you that he was you didn’t like it, hence the post.

I doubt that you’re doing it consciously or purposely and now it’s been shown to you, you don’t like it and realise that maybe you are just being a dick.
 

Brodie888

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So in a nutshell, you see him as someone to fill in the emotional and sexual gaps in your life until you find someone else. Deep down you know choosing him would be settling for less than perfect for you.

Someone who is perfect doesn't last just one year. You need to remind yourself why it didn't work out the first time.

To you, he's convenient, reliable, and fills the roles a puppy and a fleshjack would (though not at the same time... Hopefully:confused:).

Meantime, he has yet to get over you and is deluding himself in believing that if he keeps trying, there is a long term relationship at the end of the rainbow.

For him, you are still the person he loves. He may be struggling to find someone else or can't move on because he still thinks there is a chance. He liked what he had but hasn't learnt that unrequited love is poison.

The reason why you think showing him the video was OK and he was totally offended is proof that you both want very different things.

There's no good guy/bad guy here. You have both just fallen into a bad habit of not ending things cleanly and let convenience get the better of you both.

If you go back to him out of pity, you will eventually get bored again. You will resent being with him and eventually you'll be off again. You both would have wasted time that you could have been with someone else. Time that you can never get back.
 

Brodie888

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In regards to blocking, I wouldn't go that far. I would suggest that you just maintain the boundaries of being friends but no benefits.
 

db15871587

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Hi everyone, I'm after a little bit of advice.

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for a year, a few years back. We are both in our mid twenties, but when we dated we we're 21/22. His parents are Indian, didn't know he was gay, until they met me. I also took his virginity. Things didn't really work out, I fell out of love and found a new partner, however once that also ended, I ended up kind of getting back with my ex again. We we're more friends with benefits, who went out on dates, sleepovers, very casual...eventually that ended, and we just naturally stopped hanging out.

I moved to Asia for work, and we started talking again, just friendly chats, but that led into cyber sex, phone sex, masturbating videos, etc. We've done this countless times now. However, when we were having cyber sex, sending each other videos, I sent a video of me fucking a guy...I honestly thought he'd find it hot...well, he most certainly didn't. He got angry at me and said "Why would I want to see you fuck somebody else??" and ended the chat. He now won't give me the time of day, treats me kind of coldly and things just aren't the same....so I guess I'm asking - would you be offended by that? Do you think he still likes me? I thought it was innocent fun, but he REALLY didn't like that.

I guess in a way I feel like a bit of a dick because his a perfect match for me, and I feel like I've always hurt him..I broke up with him, took his virginity, broke up with him again, moved on, and now I've hurt him again. I think I should just end everything with him, block, move on, but something always pulls us back together. I honestly didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but I guess thats what I did.
Based on his reaction, he definitely still has strong feelings for you. If he just saw your relationship as friends with benefits, then he wouldn't care about a video like that.

I think you need to think carefully about whether or not you would ever want more than friends with benefits with him... if not, then you should move on, because you will just end up hurting him more and more. If he asks you why you have stopped talking to him, then be honest with him about not having romantic feelings for him. He may say something like 'oh it's ok, lets just be friends', that is not a good idea - this will most likely be a subconscious (or perhaps conscious) attempt on his part to draw you back in, in the hopes that your feelings for him may change with time...

He needs to go through a process of being hurt and then healing and then moving on if he is to have any chance to find someone who is right for him and not be hung up on you anymore.... Hope this helps :)
 

TheRealOne007

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Hi everyone, I'm after a little bit of advice.

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for a year, a few years back. We are both in our mid twenties, but when we dated we we're 21/22. His parents are Indian, didn't know he was gay, until they met me. I also took his virginity. Things didn't really work out, I fell out of love and found a new partner, however once that also ended, I ended up kind of getting back with my ex again. We we're more friends with benefits, who went out on dates, sleepovers, very casual...eventually that ended, and we just naturally stopped hanging out.

I moved to Asia for work, and we started talking again, just friendly chats, but that led into cyber sex, phone sex, masturbating videos, etc. We've done this countless times now. However, when we were having cyber sex, sending each other videos, I sent a video of me fucking a guy...I honestly thought he'd find it hot...well, he most certainly didn't. He got angry at me and said "Why would I want to see you fuck somebody else??" and ended the chat. He now won't give me the time of day, treats me kind of coldly and things just aren't the same....so I guess I'm asking - would you be offended by that? Do you think he still likes me? I thought it was innocent fun, but he REALLY didn't like that.

I guess in a way I feel like a bit of a dick because his a perfect match for me, and I feel like I've always hurt him..I broke up with him, took his virginity, broke up with him again, moved on, and now I've hurt him again. I think I should just end everything with him, block, move on, but something always pulls us back together. I honestly didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but I guess thats what I did.
Yeah I’m sorry and I know you don’t want to hear this but yeah I wouldn’t want to see a guy I like being fucked by another person.

It’s just not nice or even hot. I only find things like that hot when it’s someone I consider a whore and I’m not emotionally attached to said person.

By sending that you’re basically telling the person that you’re available for business with everyone and not loyal to him.
 
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Blue404

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I love my ex very much…. We still talk a couple times a week as we are still good friends….but I still don’t want to see him fucking someone are he seeing me…

You just don’t want are need that.
 

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Hi everyone, I'm after a little bit of advice.

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for a year, a few years back. We are both in our mid twenties, but when we dated we we're 21/22. His parents are Indian, didn't know he was gay, until they met me. I also took his virginity. Things didn't really work out, I fell out of love and found a new partner, however once that also ended, I ended up kind of getting back with my ex again. We we're more friends with benefits, who went out on dates, sleepovers, very casual...eventually that ended, and we just naturally stopped hanging out.

I moved to Asia for work, and we started talking again, just friendly chats, but that led into cyber sex, phone sex, masturbating videos, etc. We've done this countless times now. However, when we were having cyber sex, sending each other videos, I sent a video of me fucking a guy...I honestly thought he'd find it hot...well, he most certainly didn't. He got angry at me and said "Why would I want to see you fuck somebody else??" and ended the chat. He now won't give me the time of day, treats me kind of coldly and things just aren't the same....so I guess I'm asking - would you be offended by that? Do you think he still likes me? I thought it was innocent fun, but he REALLY didn't like that.

I guess in a way I feel like a bit of a dick because his a perfect match for me, and I feel like I've always hurt him..I broke up with him, took his virginity, broke up with him again, moved on, and now I've hurt him again. I think I should just end everything with him, block, move on, but something always pulls us back together. I honestly didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but I guess thats what I did.
For starters, don't block him. It sounds like you would enjoy keeping him in your life and if he's willing to leave that door open, you should be, too.

An apology for sending that video is certainly in order on your part. One of the hardest parts about being gay and looking for love is that there are many different ways to do it. It sounds like he's more of a traditional monogamous kind of guy while you may feel more comfortable with open relationships or polyamorous ones. And that would explain your surprise with his offense to the video.

There's clearly a connection between you two, one that is likely best established as "Friends with benefits" rather than as a couple. You'll both need to feel comfortable sharing exactly what you want from your relationship or friendship and what your boundaries are.

As for where his head is at, as the saying goes, "Love never dies." He had feelings for you once and likely always will, at least in some small capacity. Vice versa, it sounds like you have a strong connection to him, too, and that you both express it in different ways.

The last thing I will say is that in my experience, forgiveness is possible but forgetting is not. The things that you feel guilty about in the past will always be present for both of you. It doesn't mean that your friendship/relationship isn't salvageable, but you can pretty much guarantee that those moments will continue to come back for both of you. The important thing is how you both learn from them and move on.

Wishing you both all the best.
 

Thom Hewson

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People have to be really comfortable with open relationships to see someone they are intimate with, even casually, have sex with someone else. You evidently didn't know everything that was in his head about you when you sent the film, how he must have a mix of feelings about you some very wistful and certainly all interest not dead if he wants to have pretend-sex with you. It really does require open communication and mutually verbalized agreement to work.

I hope you can get through to him that you are really sorry you were careless about what he might feel seeing that video ... that you didn't think to ask first if he would like to see it ... and that your intention was 100% to arouse him not make him jealous or dick with his feelings about the breakup.

And then have an open honest unfiltered conversation about what you feel about him now and what you learned to do differently in a relationship thanks to your experience with him...

Good luck!