Advice on dependancy...

[HairyTXdude]

So i recently moved out of home to a new town with friends, and i guess I have became depended on them and its taking atoll on our friendship. You see i've always asked for people opinions on the things i do and make (art student) that way i can see from different people perspectives and I'm always need help, doing little things that i can do by myself, and I cant drive, im deathly afriad of it, ive taken meds gone to therapy even hypnosis and nothing work so again i need help and which i seems to fall on my two friends now. they told me they didnt mind, but now im starting to see other wise cause they're starting to get mad at me for now reason and saying thing like "I'm childish" or "they're getting tired of dealing with all my shit"...I've always felt bad about the driving thing I hate to be a burden on the ones i love, I just didnt think my needing a little help here(other than driving) and opinions would matter that much..but then i get thing like "everything is always about me" which is the most hurtful thing in the world, my friends are more important to me than my own like, I help them even when it puts me at a disadvantage...my friends are my life, I'd do anything for them, I really don't care about myself I'd die for them in a heartbeat! I don't want to be a burden anymore...I just need some advice...and well opinions (irony much? ) :frown1:

 

[2322]

That's the problem. You come across as needy and needy people get to become really annoying after a while because they act like psychic vampires. People want friends, not followers. They don't like dependents who shouldn't be dependents. Loving someone to the point of sacrifice is noble, but only when your friends know that you don't feel the need to self-sacrificing. They would rather you be independent and happy on your own rather than depending upon them for your happiness. It's too tall an order for anyone to fill and it seems it's never enough.

First thing I would do is deal with the whole driving issue. You need a therapist to help you do some cognitive behavioral therapy. With consistent help, you can learn to be comfortable behind the wheel. There are very few places in this country where you can live without a car so the sooner you tackle this issue, the sooner the rest of your life becomes a lot easier and the sooner your friends will not only thank you, but take some satisfaction in seeing you tackle your phobia head on.

Nobody will ever be entirely happy with you until you're happy with yourself. That will come to mean not loving your friends any less, but being happy in yourself that you don't need them to be happy. And that, odd as it may seem, will make them more happy and willing to be your friend. Somehow I always knew that deep down even if it took a lot of time to cultivate within myself. When you stop judging your own life by how happy you make others and how happy they make you, you'll find them being happier with you and you happier with yourself.

I'm really happy that you've moved out of that podunk town but don't stop there. Work on those things that will make you more independent. Driving is a good first step and I'll bet your friends would be thrilled to help teach you. Then work on finding things to do that you like doing on your own and pursue them. It doesn't matter if it's stamp collecting or bungee jumping. Find your own separate peace and you'll find yourself being a lot more attractive as a friend. Confidence (and I don't mean arrogance) is the most attractive thing a person can have both romantically and in friendships. Develop true confidence and you'll be a lot happier.

 

[HairyTXdude]

Jason do you have like a alert button for when i post something or wa? lol :biggrin1: you always seem to comment soon after i post. Which im glad for!

(trying to stay in order here)

I don't want to be needy, but i do need company, you know just presence of someone, to stay on focus and content...

I've tried the therapist before and it..they didn't help any just depleted my money, which is apparently needed in mass sums as a art student, I spent 800 bucks this month so far on art supplies X_X. You see what is funny is I live in a town now with a bus system and tons of ppl walk, I've tried both several times and each time my friends got upset that I was doing that when they were "perfectly ok with driving me" It's so annoying!

I am happy, or well as happy as i believe i can be at the moment suffering through anal-retentive art teachers lol, that is why I wouldn't dieing and what not and why I like helping my friends.

Ya I'm glad I moved out too, I actually moved in with said friends well one is my roomie and one lives 5 minutes away and is always over lol, my roomie is my best friend ever, people say were like brothers (cept his buff and half mexican and im skinny and pure white lol) I try doing alot on my own, I joined 4 clubs at school, and my friend joined as well -_-, I'm designing t-shirts for all these clubs on my own, I play 2 online games and my friends just joined, I went to a book store with some school people and my friends got hurt cause i didn't invite them.....see where im going with this...lol

That's the problem. You come across as needy and needy people get to become really annoying after a while because they act like psychic vampires. People want friends, not followers. They don't like dependents who shouldn't be dependents. Loving someone to the point of sacrifice is noble, but only when your friends know that you don't feel the need to self-sacrificing. They would rather you be independent and happy on your own rather than depending upon them for your happiness. It's too tall an order for anyone to fill and it seems it's never enough.

First thing I would do is deal with the whole driving issue. You need a therapist to help you do some cognitive behavioral therapy. With consistent help, you can learn to be comfortable behind the wheel. There are very few places in this country where you can live without a car so the sooner you tackle this issue, the sooner the rest of your life becomes a lot easier and the sooner your friends will not only thank you, but take some satisfaction in seeing you tackle your phobia head on.

Nobody will ever be entirely happy with you until you're happy with yourself. That will come to mean not loving your friends any less, but being happy in yourself that you don't need them to be happy. And that, odd as it may seem, will make them more happy and willing to be your friend. Somehow I always knew that deep down even if it took a lot of time to cultivate within myself. When you stop judging your own life by how happy you make others and how happy they make you, you'll find them being happier with you and you happier with yourself.

I'm really happy that you've moved out of that podunk town but don't stop there. Work on those things that will make you more independent. Driving is a good first step and I'll bet your friends would be thrilled to help teach you. Then work on finding things to do that you like doing on your own and pursue them. It doesn't matter if it's stamp collecting or bungee jumping. Find your own separate peace and you'll find yourself being a lot more attractive as a friend. Confidence (and I don't mean arrogance) is the most attractive thing a person can have both romantically and in friendships. Develop true confidence and you'll be a lot happier.

 

[HairyTXdude]

Sorry if everything is well ...coherent. I didnt sleep well last night; me and my roomie got into a big fight...so i didn't sleep much

 

[2322]

Sounds like co-dependency. I think you should have a few pursuits of your own and that goes for both of you. If what you're saying is accurate, than your friends are helping to perpetuate your dependency, and their own, while complaining about it at the same time. It's important to draw some lines. Spend more time with your club work or going places on your own. Do you have a bike or problems with bikes? If your friends complain, then say you want the exercise or something. Help them be a little more independent as you help yourself to do the same. It will help strengthen the friendships you have and give you more self-confidence. People who are always together get sick of each other after a while. You can avoid that by preventing it from happening in the first place. When it comes to the rides and all, when someone criticizes you simply say, "You said you didn't mind. If you really do then please tell me and I'll only ask in emergencies," or something to that effect. Many times people would rather say what they think you want to hear than saying what they really mean. Don't be one of those people and don't let other people do that to you because it eventually creates resentment; the road to Hell really is paved with good intentions.

No, I don't have anything that tells me when you post. I just see a lot of myself in you and hoping you can avoid some of the more tragic aspects of my character by letting you know what I found out a little further down the road than you are now. I don't mean that to be patronizing. Just saying.

 

[D_T_Frothingill_Bellows]

I'm in much of the same situation and it's been really hard for me as well. Problem is, I don't have problem with driving, I just don't have the money to buy a car. And I'm in this horrible blackhole of death where I can't do anything or work steady because I don't have a car, I don't have acar because I don't have the money, I don't the money because I can't work steady and so on.

It's just really an awful situation so I totally know how you feel.

 

[HairyTXdude]

Bike? No i used to bike alot, only thing is I have no place to keep a bike now since im in a apartment..."You said you didn't mind. If you really do then please tell me and I'll only ask in emergencies" Ya I've done that before and i always end up getting punched in the arm with something like "dude, you my best friend I don't mind driving you, if i did i wouldnt do it in the first place, no shut up and stop acting stupid!" Ya i hate when ppl saw what u want to hear, and good friends no, i'd rather have the truth hurt a little than be lied to...

and oh i c, well thats fortunitous lol, and i never mind hearing your comments so no worries

Sounds like co-dependency. I think you should have a few pursuits of your own and that goes for both of you. If what you're saying is accurate, than your friends are helping to perpetuate your dependency, and their own, while complaining about it at the same time. It's important to draw some lines. Spend more time with your club work or going places on your own. Do you have a bike or problems with bikes? If your friends complain, then say you want the exercise or something. Help them be a little more independent as you help yourself to do the same. It will help strengthen the friendships you have and give you more self-confidence. People who are always together get sick of each other after a while. You can avoid that by preventing it from happening in the first place. When it comes to the rides and all, when someone criticizes you simply say, "You said you didn't mind. If you really do then please tell me and I'll only ask in emergencies," or something to that effect. Many times people would rather say what they think you want to hear than saying what they really mean. Don't be one of those people and don't let other people do that to you because it eventually creates resentment; the road to Hell really is paved with good intentions.

No, I don't have anything that tells me when you post. I just see a lot of myself in you and hoping you can avoid some of the more tragic aspects of my character by letting you know what I found out a little further down the road than you are now. I don't mean that to be patronizing. Just saying.

 

[Dave NoCal]

Jason is, as always, spot on. My suggestion is to just go ahead and start using the busses and walking when it's reasonably convenient. Unless you are planning to spend your life in a college town, or conversely major cities such a s New York or Chicago, you are going to need to get over whatever it is about driving. That can come later. Right now seize transportation independence. Whe your friends offer rides, put them on the spot a bit by asking: "Are you SURE you don't mind, because I don't want to hear about it later." Congrats on moving, BTW.
Dave