There's a saying that says your sins will find you out if you love with your parents that will find out, one day you'll be eagerly to tell them if they ask a bunch of questions.
One day, I hope, I'll be able to tell them, but I suppose we'll see what happens.
Heya, how's it going in the land down under where nightmares are born? Lol
Anyways, you sir are in quite a pickle and I am here to offer you advice.
- For your well being, stay in the closet a little bit longer. As much as you may want to just be yourself to them, don't. You need to have a place of your own before coming out to your parents. When it comes to religious families raised on traditional values, you never know how they will react. I want to ensure that your safety comes first in case the worse happens. As much as I want to be optimistic for you, I rather not give you false hope but rather be a realist if it means protecting you from any possible harm. Having a place of your own will give you a safety net in case your parents kick you out. You won't have to be scared and wander around trying to figure out a housing situation. You wouldn't need to worry about food, clothes or shelter. You also wouldn't want to be sleeping in a household that makes you feel unsafe, unwanted or unloved. For you and your mental health, please find an alternative living situation before coming out to your parents.
- How long have you and your partner been officially together? I am only asking because people have mentioned that you both should buy a house together. I say no to that notion. I suggest that one person buys while the other person rents from them. This would make it easier on you both in case you two weren't meant to be. Having one person buy the house, they will be financed at their debt to income ratio to ensure they are able to afford the house by themselves. You both won't feel tied down if, and that's a big IF, if you two don't work out and then feeling trapped because of a mutual investment in a house together. But in the end, you know yourself and your partner best. Don't let me persuade you otherwise if you know it would be a good thing together.
- As you are trying to figure out what the best course of action is, just communicate with your partner. Tell them that you plan to move forward with them towards a future together but first you just need a little more time. Your living situation currently isn't ideal to inform your parents about your sexual orientation when they uphold such a strong belief towards biggotry. Btw, you stated "I respect their views and they are entitled to them, regardless if I disagree with them". Please don't.... That's just making excuses for them to look down upon anyone that's different. Anyone that doesn't follow their beliefs, or their cherry picked verses from the bible that's meant to single others out. Religion is meant to accept others for our differences, not to hate them because of it. But for some reason, it's just being used as weapons against anyone and everyone who doesn't follow their path.
- I hope your parents automatically choose you over what some book says about you. I hope that you and your family can connect better than before, without the lies and you being able to be your true self. But, blood doesn't necessarily make a family. Family are those that love one another. That will be there in a heartbeat for each other when in need. That will love each other unconditionally. Many people in your shoes learned that the hard way. Why love someone who won't love you back? Regardless of what happens, just know this. You have done absolutely nothing wrong by just being yourself. You shouldn't have had to hide who you are to begin with. Once you are able to tell your family, you will finally be able to breathe. You will be scared shitless just as you burst out of the closet but that weight will be lifted soon after. It's up to them if they want to keep their son in their lives. If they don't treat you right, they don't deserve you. You deserve to be happy and if you aren't happy, something needs to change, otherwise if it doesn't, years can go by without you realizing it. That's a sad truth.
Alrighty, I tried my best to proof read but I just gotten done with an overnight shift and was dozing in and out of this response to you lol. Almost fell asleep 5 times typing as I apparently held down onto keys for far too long as my eyes were shut resulting in a jumble mess lol. Also, welcome to lpsg! I can finally sleep! Yay! Lol
Hey! We're coping here, barely, but we're still coping lol.
I tend to agree and a few people have said that here and in DMs. Believe me, I'm working six, sometimes seven days to save for a place, but apprentice plumber wages are crap - though not for much longer - and house prices keep going up here. I love my partner more than anything, but we're both young and realistic, so buying a house together might seem good now, but who knows how much longer we might be together. Don't get me wrong, I'd marry him tomorrow, but we are also realistic. As strict and as strong willed as my parents are, I would hope their love - if any - for me would keep them from kicking me out. I can't see it happening, but it's nothing something I want to risk. But yes, you are right, living in a house with that 'cloud' hanging over everyone would be very uncomfortable.
We've been together, seriously, for the best part of a year. I share the same thoughts as you. As I said, we're realistic, and if it isn't meant to be and we split, it will be an unnecessary burden. I had never thought of doing that, but, if I bought the house, I haven't got it in me to charge him rent, but I like the idea.
I've considered speaking to him about this, but I don't want to dump all my burdens on his shoulders. Yes, couples should be open and share their issues, but he has enough going on in his life, and it almost seems unfair to add to it. That's part of the reason I turned here. I've told him snippets, but not the whole picture. Although he's not an idiot and he knows how to read the room. You're probably right, but I've always been taught to respect others' views and beliefs. It's fair to object, but you must respect. Ironically, my parents would hate mine lol. Idk man, religion is one of those things I don't understand completely. As it is, I'm not a great religious subject, but I do like to believe there is something higher than us, but idk it's strange. I do agree, regardless of one's religious beliefs, they should be able to put them aside, look past them, and respect someone for who they are.
I hope my parents and family choose me, but it's remains to be seen. We've always been close, but I have noticed that as my brother and I have grown, we've all slowly drifted. Mum and dad are close, deeply in love with teacher other, and I feel the distance growing between them and myself. My brother will always be the apple of their eyes, so he has nothing to worry about. Some days I feel if I were to come out it wouldn't be so bad, but others, I feel as though it would be the worst day of their lives. In reality, though, it'll be a shitty day for them regardless of what I think. The more I think about it, the deeper the hole becomes. Knowing people like you offer the help you do fills me with a comforting sense of reassurance. As you have said, years go by without realizing. Those are very true words, and, whilst I've been superficially happy, I'm deeply unhappy and time is marching forward and not stopping. You know something's not right when you'd rather spend time at work than at home lol.
Don't sweat about the proofreading, I'm sure mine is full of mistakes. Thank you so much for your help, advice, and welcome. I appreciate every bit of it and I'm sorry for the late reply. Thank you mate xx
What an excellent from the heart advice.
I learned very early that its ok for one of my parent to "slightly" prefer my brother over me. I accepted he was harder working, talked less back etc. I learned to be ok with it. It was a good lesson for life that we might not always be everyone's cup of coffee but we might be someone else Margherita
My parents grew up in a small city in eastern Europe and there was zero reference to any positive gay character. The only "positive" ones we learned about were the ones on TV dying of AIDS at that time...(sorry)
I got good advice back then. To ask myself 3 questions:
1. are you financially dependent on your parents (and for example if you are in school or university and they will not accept you and will cancel your school tuition) Finish your education first.
2. Will you be not ok and not suffer if they choose to never to speak to you
3. If you become homeless and you have no safe place to live because you depend on housing with them.
If any of these answers are Yes, then wait a little bit with coming out and communicate your situation with your partner.
Then I was told to thing of the parent that might be more receptive or accepting that you are gay and plan on first to tell that parent and also discuss what would be the best way to deliver the news to the other one.
I learned that our parents might never completely accept what they believe its "a choice or a lifestyle" which it took me little time to educate my parents that its not. But I still love them and funny thing 20 year later my mom told me on the phone that considering "my situation" I am the more "normal" of her 3 kids...lol
Another lesson I learned was that in general our parents just really want us to have a safe and happy life, and they have zero reference to any other gay people in their lives and what that life looks like. So be that good reference for them
Once in a while I throw in a gay themed joke about myself just to make them giggle and see that I am completely comfortable about this topic and that they can relax and not walk around like hot fire..
This was big decision for me to make. My dad brough up a bible and Adam and Eve and was trying to explain "God wanted this" So I asked him "if he finds more morally acceptable for me to have sexual relation with my sister or my mother then a man hat is not related to our family" He never mentioned bible again. All being said today I am happy I found the courage and was able to live my true life and introduce my boyfriends over the year etc...
I really like paragraph 3 from Beefderky. My parents had different views but over the years I was able to help them understand more inclusive and accepting way of life and today my mom speaks out if anyone is talking shit about gays in front of her
I hope this helps.
(I also found this really good link on Wiki:
How to Come Out to Your Parents (with Pictures) - wikiHow )
I agree mate and there is always favouritism, it's unavoidable. Oh yes, and by "slightly" you must me "completely favour". But yes, there is a lesson to be learned and it's true, but perhaps I'm more a cup of spoilt milk.
I think that's a reason my parents feel the way they do. They were born in the 60s and grew up throughout the 70s and 80s, so you can imagine the general attitudes towards gay people. Obviously I wasn't alive then, but I reckon the attitudes of people in Australia would have been pretty ruthless, and yes, the only "positive" thing would have been people dying from AIDS. Don't apologize bro, we've all got to go one day and it'll probably get me.
They're good questions to ask. I'm not financially dependent on them any more, I'm pretty sure I won't end up homeless, but it would destroy me if they were to never speak with me again over something I caused. They're my parents and I love them. You only have one set of parents and I couldn't imagine life without them, despite they way the view me. It has never crossed my mind to tell one parent, but if I were, it would have to be mum. Mum puts up a strong, brave facade, but I know she has a soft heart. Dad is an incredibly (and admirably) strong man and an unbreakable heart.
I'm so glad you were able to open up and be yourself to your parents. Haha, well, it seems as though everything is 'normal' between your parents. Can I ask, how did you come out to them? DM me if you'd rather not share here, but I am curious if that's okay.
I'll likely never be a parent, but I couldn't agree with you more. As a parent, your job is to ensure your kids have a safe, happy, and healthy life until they are old enough to look after themselves and make their own decisions. That's what a parent is to me, anyway. I'm trying to be that reference for them, but so far I've failed. Their dreams of me entering some academic field have been shattered, and now I'm a plumber, working in mud, shit, and anything else you can think of. Oh well.
That is amazing and I'm so happy for you. It must be so reassuring and comforting to know you can be yourself, make a joke, laugh together, and everything is fine. Hopefully they get in on it too.
I admire your courage and strength, and they can finally know their real son. I hope that any doubt they may have had has disappeared, and they can get on with the rest of their lives loving their son (and other kids), the way it should be. I dream of that day.
Your mum is amazing! She's backing up her son, just as any parent should do. And yes, Beefderky offered some wonderful help and advice, as has you.
Of course it help. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and offering help. I appreciate it more than you know xx
Ah yes, old Wikihow to the rescue. It solves everything
Thanks for the link, I'll check it out. I'm surprised to see how old it is!
LoL , that has double entrede (sp?) all over it.
HAHAHA, that one went over my head