Advice on juggling a gay relationship and living with 'anti-gay' parents

Goldstargay

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Hey everyone. I’m a new member here and I’m after some advice.

I grew up in a traditional, ‘old fashioned’ household, and as such my parents have pretty strong views regarding ‘gay issues’. They’ve never been forced on us, but they have been made known. I respect their views and they are entitled to them, regardless if I disagree with them. As far as I’m aware, my parents don’t know I’m gay. I went to a strict school and was pushed to paths I never liked, enjoyed, or wanted to do – I had to play AFL football, work on cars, study ‘real’ subjects, and so on. My whole life has been shaped into what a man should be and the things men do. Now, as an adult (24), I look back and reflect on all the experiences I have missed and look at the person I was, compared to the person I should have been. The only reprise was a relationship with another guy during school. I went to an all boys school, so there was plenty of choice. That lasted a few years, but, unfortunately, some things aren’t meant to be and we split up a year after graduating. I’m still shattered about it.

I’ve always known that, deep down, I hold myself back from doing ‘non manly’ things just to please my parents and keep them happy – I studied languages and music, instead of performing arts. The fact that my brother can do no wrong in their view only makes matters worse, but it is what it is. Now I find I’m in a difficult situation. Over the past year I’ve developed a relationship with a guy from work. At the five month mark we made it official and we’re now a couple; his family know, but mine don’t.

At this point, I’ll say that I still live at home with my family and he lives at home with his family. I’m working on saving for a house, but it is outrageously expensive here in Australia. Most people would introduce their partner to their family, invite them over for dinner, and spend time with each other. However, I find I’m holding back, as usual, and I fear I will damage our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it when people say ‘who cares what they think, just do what you want to do and be yourself’. I would, but I still live at home and my relationship with my parents has been shaky, to say the least; being myself would only make it worse.

Hopefully I have made sense. Any advice is welcome
Tell your parents ASAP. Stand your ground and tell them you’re a gay man and have a good relationship with another man you care for. Don’t let them bully you or except some watered down version of acceptance. They are not entitled to treat you less than 100 % than you feel you should be treated. They have no right to their opinion they views you or your boyfriend in negative terms. The sooner you get the issue on the table the quicker it will resolve itself. You may lose the relationship for a year or two but they will come around. If you had a decent bond with your folks then they will not take a hardline on you for an extended period but you must show them there is no compromise, it is the way it is, period. I have had several friends with hardcore parents and once the parents knew the alternative they came around and faced reality. They think they hold the power in your relationship and they will manipulate that as long as you allow it.
 
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I had a 5 years relationship with another bi guy and no one knew about it. The 1st year we were at each parents house and then we ended up moving to another country (UK) and we lived together. It was easy to say "the flats in london are too expensive so i need to find a flat to share" ;) both our parents knew we lived together and they are really happy "their sons are alone in the big smoke city" they always thought we were like friends/brothers due to do way be behave. We both are/were very discreet, masculine and not into gay-scene. My advise keep saving money for a house and move asap. Even if in the beginning you move to a rent house then use the excuse "i need to share the cost" . It is hard when both families are close minded but at the end make us a couple more strong. Today we are not together anymore but we remain as best friends. Good luck mate
 

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Thank you for the kind words & honesty.
I think you summed up exactly how I feel about our mother-son dynamic - "The way she abuses and controls you is inexcusable" and I agree, 100%.

My parents were married for 16 years; we grew up impoverished and my mom was the breadwinner.
She has lied about too many scenarios in my parents' marriage, lied about things I went through (saying "That never happened" when, indeed, all those things did happen and she witnessed many a said event), and way too much more.
The only thing she's never lied about is our family history - which is great, since I've spent the last 5 years tracing our family history.

Doing my genealogy is one of the things that's keeping me going and in high spirits right now.
I've found so many family secrets on both sides - my great-grandmother was a successful photographer (and many people say I look exactly like her, from the nose, upward - so apparently, I have a very British face?), my dad was part Dutch and part American (which I never knew, and he didn't know either - I always thought he was just a simple, self made man from Bermuda), and there were just too many interesting things I discovered.

Lastly, my lifelong dream has always been to become a father and raise a family.
In order to do that, I have to move, and it's obvious.
My dad was never able to free himself from my mom's abuse - he died at my grandma's house - but I made the decision that I will be moving out again.
It might take six months, or one to two years, but I just have to.
Something's got to give.
You're welcome brother, I hope they provide you with some comfort. My heart bleeds for you. There's a lot of great help and advice on this site. Even if it may not help your situation, you may be able to draw from the ideas given.

It pains me to say it, but your mum is by the far the most detrimental person in your life. Parents may 'falsify the truth' in order to protect their kids, but what you're describing is blatant lies, and, unfortunately, she can no longer be trusted. It's a good thing you're aware of this and able to see through all the crap you have been fed. You are smarter and stronger than you believe.

That's great! It's important to have something to help take your mind off of things. It's even better when you're uncovering things noone knew. Keep doing what you're doing ad hopefully one day you'll be able to add to the family tree with kids of your own.

You're clearly aware of what you need to do and I hope that time isn't far away. Only you know when that time is here and when you make that decision, you will never look back. I wish you all the best brother and keep us updated one your journey xo

Tell your parents ASAP. Stand your ground and tell them you’re a gay man and have a good relationship with another man you care for. Don’t let them bully you or except some watered down version of acceptance. They are not entitled to treat you less than 100 % than you feel you should be treated. They have no right to their opinion they views you or your boyfriend in negative terms. The sooner you get the issue on the table the quicker it will resolve itself. You may lose the relationship for a year or two but they will come around. If you had a decent bond with your folks then they will not take a hardline on you for an extended period but you must show them there is no compromise, it is the way it is, period. I have had several friends with hardcore parents and once the parents knew the alternative they came around and faced reality. They think they hold the power in your relationship and they will manipulate that as long as you allow it.
A part of me would love to and tell them how it is, but it's not as simple as that. Sure, I can get them together and say I'm gay, but I know what their reaction will be. I don't want to cause upset whilst I'm still living at home. Once I move out, I feel I'll be in a position to tell them. I won't be living with them and won't have to endure their emotions. As other members have suggested, I've been inviting him over more and even asking him to stay for dinner, but my parents haven't caught on. I think mum will eventually come around to the idea, but I can't see dad changing his mind. ever. One day, I hope.

I had a 5 years relationship with another bi guy and no one knew about it. The 1st year we were at each parents house and then we ended up moving to another country (UK) and we lived together. It was easy to say "the flats in london are too expensive so i need to find a flat to share" ;) both our parents knew we lived together and they are really happy "their sons are alone in the big smoke city" they always thought we were like friends/brothers due to do way be behave. We both are/were very discreet, masculine and not into gay-scene. My advise keep saving money for a house and move asap. Even if in the beginning you move to a rent house then use the excuse "i need to share the cost" . It is hard when both families are close minded but at the end make us a couple more strong. Today we are not together anymore but we remain as best friends. Good luck mate
5 years and no one knew, great cover up! Haha, that's a good excuse and one I might use. That reason never crossed my mind. Thanks brother, that's the plan. Very true, sharing an experience like that must make the relationship stronger. I'm sorry to hear you're no longer together but it's nice you're on good terms. Thanks for the advice and for sharing the story xx
 

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You're welcome brother, I hope they provide you with some comfort. My heart bleeds for you. There's a lot of great help and advice on this site. Even if it may not help your situation, you may be able to draw from the ideas given.

It pains me to say it, but your mum is by the far the most detrimental person in your life. Parents may 'falsify the truth' in order to protect their kids, but what you're describing is blatant lies, and, unfortunately, she can no longer be trusted. It's a good thing you're aware of this and able to see through all the crap you have been fed. You are smarter and stronger than you believe.

That's great! It's important to have something to help take your mind off of things. It's even better when you're uncovering things noone knew. Keep doing what you're doing ad hopefully one day you'll be able to add to the family tree with kids of your own.

You're clearly aware of what you need to do and I hope that time isn't far away. Only you know when that time is here and when you make that decision, you will never look back. I wish you all the best brother and keep us updated one your journey xo


A part of me would love to and tell them how it is, but it's not as simple as that. Sure, I can get them together and say I'm gay, but I know what their reaction will be. I don't want to cause upset whilst I'm still living at home. Once I move out, I feel I'll be in a position to tell them. I won't be living with them and won't have to endure their emotions. As other members have suggested, I've been inviting him over more and even asking him to stay for dinner, but my parents haven't caught on. I think mum will eventually come around to the idea, but I can't see dad changing his mind. ever. One day, I hope.


5 years and no one knew, great cover up! Haha, that's a good excuse and one I might use. That reason never crossed my mind. Thanks brother, that's the plan. Very true, sharing an experience like that must make the relationship stronger. I'm sorry to hear you're no longer together but it's nice you're on good terms. Thanks for the advice and for sharing the story xx
Gotcha but be careful because if you like this guy he may get tired of the situation-faster than you are expecting.
 

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My mom controls my money - I have to ask her for permission to access my own money.
So my workaround was getting a few prepaid cards she doesn't know about; the one problem is, I've been unemployed for 2 years, so I'm still trying to find steady work.
I even thought about getting back into temp jobs again, but I don't know.
At your age, her control of you, your money, your choices or absolutely anything is illegal if it is against your will.
 

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I agree with most of the advice given you, Aussie. I too was reared in a highly conservative Christian family. After having dealt with my family now on gay issues for 49 years, I can assure you they will never change their minds, nor will it ever truly be OK with them, even if they pretend it is.

Solution? Simple.

1. You are you, they are them. This will never change. Stalling will only allow their comfort at your expense. They deserve acceptance and love as you do.

2. Get the F out of that toxic environment. To this day, I can't stay more than a few days in the insanity that is my family home, even given how much I love them and they me. I left home at 18 and rented a place I could afford. Best thing I ever did.

3. Focus on your boyfriend, live your life, and never move into a house together before you live together in a rented place. Things change when you live with someone.

4. Do not cheat him out of time in favor of the family, ever. Continue with family events, but do not even once choose them over him if a conflict of scheduling or events arises. I had to start taking vacations to avoid being home with the family sans my partner.

5. Their knowledge that you are gay is present, even if not admitted by either of you. Do they talk about their sex lives with you? Probably not, and that's OK. When they ask about girls or try to set you up, simply decline and never lie. Just say "I have no desire to date". When they push, turn the table and ask when the last time was that they had sex. Some things are private, as you choose.

Their natural love of you will make them invasively curious, but they themselves would not tolerate the same sort of invasion by you into their certain affairs. Stay calm and happy around them, secure in your situation. If they see you nervous, it will be mistaken as an error in your choices.
 

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Hey everyone. I’m a new member here and I’m after some advice.

I grew up in a traditional, ‘old fashioned’ household, and as such my parents have pretty strong views regarding ‘gay issues’. They’ve never been forced on us, but they have been made known. I respect their views and they are entitled to them, regardless if I disagree with them. As far as I’m aware, my parents don’t know I’m gay. I went to a strict school and was pushed to paths I never liked, enjoyed, or wanted to do – I had to play AFL football, work on cars, study ‘real’ subjects, and so on. My whole life has been shaped into what a man should be and the things men do. Now, as an adult (24), I look back and reflect on all the experiences I have missed and look at the person I was, compared to the person I should have been. The only reprise was a relationship with another guy during school. I went to an all boys school, so there was plenty of choice. That lasted a few years, but, unfortunately, some things aren’t meant to be and we split up a year after graduating. I’m still shattered about it.

I’ve always known that, deep down, I hold myself back from doing ‘non manly’ things just to please my parents and keep them happy – I studied languages and music, instead of performing arts. The fact that my brother can do no wrong in their view only makes matters worse, but it is what it is. Now I find I’m in a difficult situation. Over the past year I’ve developed a relationship with a guy from work. At the five month mark we made it official and we’re now a couple; his family know, but mine don’t.

At this point, I’ll say that I still live at home with my family and he lives at home with his family. I’m working on saving for a house, but it is outrageously expensive here in Australia. Most people would introduce their partner to their family, invite them over for dinner, and spend time with each other. However, I find I’m holding back, as usual, and I fear I will damage our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it when people say ‘who cares what they think, just do what you want to do and be yourself’. I would, but I still live at home and my relationship with my parents has been shaky, to say the least; being myself would only make it worse.

Hopefully I have made sense. Any advice is welcome
Can you move out or move in with your BF/partner?

Come out to your parents/family when you are ready to, and not on someone else's pressure or agenda.
 

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My mom controls my money - I have to ask her for permission to access my own money.
So my workaround was getting a few prepaid cards she doesn't know about; the one problem is, I've been unemployed for 2 years, so I'm still trying to find steady work.
I even thought about getting back into temp jobs again, but I don't know.
Why does she control your $? Are you horrible with saving and go into debt? Or some other issue? Go and set up a basic bank account, and ask for your money.
 
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alpha_centauri

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Yes, I am the account owner. And I was told to only open a new account after I move (which is the big issue here), since I am moving first, opening a new account second, and then filing a no contact order. And unfortunately, all my friends live out of state (several hours away), and all of them are either abuse survivors themselves, or married with children, and I'm not one to intrude on their personal space.
I just feel my smartest move right now would be get a job, save and invest everything consistently, and use my savings to move.
And unfortunately, I won't be able to invest until after I move.
But, here is some good news - I have an acquaintance in Nebraska who told me he charges $100 rent monthly, given his tenants and he are on good terms.
So I am planning to live with him until I get on my feet.
The problem is, getting to Nebraska now - especially after I had to cancel my entire trip the day before - is going to be financially difficult; and I spent more than $1,000 just on transportation alone, in order to leave.
So, just like when I was brought back home from New York State, I still feel like I haven't changed anything.
When I left NY with a relative (in 2020), I cried the entire trip, while this relative was drunk driving, and was drunk off 2 full bottles of Hennessy (and I dated an alcoholic - my ex used to harass me while he was drunk - not a good relationship & I'm thankful I left him in 2020, with that crazy relative).

I am already well aware I need to make drastic changes; I have a plan in motion for after I move.
The problem is, planning my actual leave - for the eleventh time - is the hardest part.
The only way out for me, is finding a job; I was in such dire straits that I applied for 3 positions at my mom's company - one where I'm from, one in Oklahoma, and another in Ohio (since it's a remote job and I can't afford to commute).
Be very careful, the situation with the person charging only $100 for rent sounds too good to be true and how well do you really know him/them?

Why not apply for the local job, work there, save up $ until you have enough to live on your own either where you are from or in another city/state?
 
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Be very careful, the situation with the person charging only $100 for rent sounds too good to be true and how well do you really know him/them?

Why not apply for the local job, work there, save up $ until you have enough to live on your own either where you are from or in another city/state?
I'm trying to start working in insurance now, but I don't have enough money to take the state exam.
It's $175 - I paid $200 for my prelicensing too early (my boss gave me the wrong instructions) and now the NIPR is hounding me because my boss lied about the info I needed for my exam.
So now, I have to pay another 175, which means I just paid for 2 exams even though I'm only taking the second one.
 

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Be very careful, the situation with the person charging only $100 for rent sounds too good to be true and how well do you really know him/them?

Why not apply for the local job, work there, save up $ until you have enough to live on your own either where you are from or in another city/state?
And that person charging the $100 is real; we video chat and talk every single day.
I just feel it's time for me to move out.
I'm already 26, I'm supposed to live on my own anyway - it's not natural for me to live at home with my mom at 26.
I had my flight and AirBnB paid for, and out of nowhere, my family starts demanding I stay.
So instead of me resenting them - which I did for 10 years, until 2020 - I just need to sneak out and move out.
Adults don't need permission from family to move out.
 
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I agree with most of the advice given you, Aussie. I too was reared in a highly conservative Christian family. After having dealt with my family now on gay issues for 49 years, I can assure you they will never change their minds, nor will it ever truly be OK with them, even if they pretend it is.

Solution? Simple.

1. You are you, they are them. This will never change. Stalling will only allow their comfort at your expense. They deserve acceptance and love as you do.

2. Get the F out of that toxic environment. To this day, I can't stay more than a few days in the insanity that is my family home, even given how much I love them and they me. I left home at 18 and rented a place I could afford. Best thing I ever did.

3. Focus on your boyfriend, live your life, and never move into a house together before you live together in a rented place. Things change when you live with someone.

4. Do not cheat him out of time in favor of the family, ever. Continue with family events, but do not even once choose them over him if a conflict of scheduling or events arises. I had to start taking vacations to avoid being home with the family sans my partner.

5. Their knowledge that you are gay is present, even if not admitted by either of you. Do they talk about their sex lives with you? Probably not, and that's OK. When they ask about girls or try to set you up, simply decline and never lie. Just say "I have no desire to date". When they push, turn the table and ask when the last time was that they had sex. Some things are private, as you choose.

Their natural love of you will make them invasively curious, but they themselves would not tolerate the same sort of invasion by you into their certain affairs. Stay calm and happy around them, secure in your situation. If they see you nervous, it will be mistaken as an error in your choices.
I needed to hear this; my family are also toxic.
They are extremely homophobic, transphobic and just bullies in general - and they're over the age of 60 (and my mom is the youngest out of her distant cousins, who I grew up with).

I am flying to Hong Kong to meet my partner in October for 2 weeks, and to Kentucky to meet another potential partner for another 2 weeks, after leaving Asia.
If they bring up my family or my past, how should I address it?
My family have abused and controlled me my entire life - to the point where they still control my money, and I have to ask for permission to leave the house unsupervised.
Or sneak out without them knowing, but then they'll report me as a Missing Person - even if I'm only travelling for a 4 week trip overseas.
My family are - absolutely insane.
 

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Be very careful, the situation with the person charging only $100 for rent sounds too good to be true and how well do you really know him/them?

Why not apply for the local job, work there, save up $ until you have enough to live on your own either where you are from or in another city/state?
I just tried reapplying for an account with my old bank (who approved me last year).
I was twice rejected today, because of my bad credit.
I have a 502 credit score.
And I tried to purchase a secured card to make payments, but my mother controls my bank account, which has $2,000 in it; she refuses to transfer any money to me because she is angry at me since I tried to move out 3 weeks ago, and she (and my whole family) demanded that I stay.

My family are narcissists, and I'm the only sane one, even without their homophobia and transphobia being a factor in all this.
So even though I might not be able to open a bank account - for (I guess?) a year or two - I do have a job; I just have to get licensed to start my job.
The only other problem is - and I mentioned this in an earlier comment - that I paid $200 for a license application, and was basically scammed.
So now I can't afford the extra $200 I need, this time around; it's stressing me out, and my mother is the only one with the $200, because I have $2,000 in my account which she controls.
The longer I stay here, the more I lash out at myself - asking myself, "How can you be so stupid? You chose to listen to your family when they demanded you stay, so you deserve what's coming to you" - it may sound harsh, but that's all I've thought about these last 3 weeks.
 

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I needed to hear this; my family are also toxic.
They are extremely homophobic, transphobic and just bullies in general - and they're over the age of 60 (and my mom is the youngest out of her distant cousins, who I grew up with).

I am flying to Hong Kong to meet my partner in October for 2 weeks, and to Kentucky to meet another potential partner for another 2 weeks, after leaving Asia.
If they bring up my family or my past, how should I address it?
My family have abused and controlled me my entire life - to the point where they still control my money, and I have to ask for permission to leave the house unsupervised.
Or sneak out without them knowing, but then they'll report me as a Missing Person - even if I'm only travelling for a 4 week trip overseas.
My family are - absolutely insane.
Have an attorney file a brief with the court requesting a judge order to immediately release 100% of your funds to you. Did you sign any agreement for her to control your money? In whose name is the account?
 
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I just tried reapplying for an account with my old bank (who approved me last year).
I was twice rejected today, because of my bad credit.
I have a 502 credit score.
And I tried to purchase a secured card to make payments, but my mother controls my bank account, which has $2,000 in it; she refuses to transfer any money to me because she is angry at me since I tried to move out 3 weeks ago, and she (and my whole family) demanded that I stay.

My family are narcissists, and I'm the only sane one, even without their homophobia and transphobia being a factor in all this.
So even though I might not be able to open a bank account - for (I guess?) a year or two - I do have a job; I just have to get licensed to start my job.
The only other problem is - and I mentioned this in an earlier comment - that I paid $200 for a license application, and was basically scammed.
So now I can't afford the extra $200 I need, this time around; it's stressing me out, and my mother is the only one with the $200, because I have $2,000 in my account which she controls.
The longer I stay here, the more I lash out at myself - asking myself, "How can you be so stupid? You chose to listen to your family when they demanded you stay, so you deserve what's coming to you" - it may sound harsh, but that's all I've thought about these last 3 weeks.
Once you get any amount of money, open an online Wise account. See Wise.com. No one needs traditional banking these days. It comes with an Apple Wallet or Google online debit capability, along with a physical debit card if you request one. When you go to work, have funds directly deposited to this account. Go to the authorities and remove her interference immediately.
 

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I needed to hear this; my family are also toxic.
They are extremely homophobic, transphobic and just bullies in general - and they're over the age of 60 (and my mom is the youngest out of her distant cousins, who I grew up with).

I am flying to Hong Kong to meet my partner in October for 2 weeks, and to Kentucky to meet another potential partner for another 2 weeks, after leaving Asia.
If they bring up my family or my past, how should I address it?
My family have abused and controlled me my entire life - to the point where they still control my money, and I have to ask for permission to leave the house unsupervised.
Or sneak out without them knowing, but then they'll report me as a Missing Person - even if I'm only travelling for a 4 week trip overseas.
My family are - absolutely insane.
Without venom or anger, simply matter of factly tell the facts. As you did with me. Leave emotion out. Like, that field over there is green.
 
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thebussyinvader

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Have an attorney file a brief with the court requesting a judge order to immediately release 100% of your funds to you. Did you sign any agreement for her to control your money? In whose name is the account?
I mentioned that earlier in this thread - I am the account owner, so my name is on the account.
However, I am not allowed to make purchases on said account - she, however, is.
And the "agreement" was basically a conservatorship without any governmental interference, better known as Social Security appointing her as a "rep payee" over my money.

The good news is, I was able to open a new account with a separate bank.
So all I have to do - secretly - is, first, transfer the money from my current account to my new account.
And after that, call my current bank and close that account (since I have my new one).

There's only one problem - In order to access my accounts, I have to pretend to be my mother (and I do know her personal information, like her DOB, SSN and things like that, since she tells me that "if they can't talk to me, you'll have to pretend you're me to get in" whenever she's at work or can't help me with my financial situation).