Advice on juggling a gay relationship and living with 'anti-gay' parents

thebussyinvader

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Once you get any amount of money, open an online Wise account. See Wise.com. No one needs traditional banking these days. It comes with an Apple Wallet or Google online debit capability, along with a physical debit card if you request one. When you go to work, have funds directly deposited to this account. Go to the authorities and remove her interference immediately.
I already opened a new account with the SoFi banking institution.
I don't know if theyre called SoFi Bank, but the website is sofi.com

There is another problem I forgot about - I still live with her.
How should I react if she has mood swings about me closing the account she controls?
She has mood swings on a daily basis, and I'm the only person who sees it - my family defends her, and refuse to listen to anything I have to say because it doesn't suit their opinions about her.
 

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I already opened a new account with the SoFi banking institution.
I don't know if theyre called SoFi Bank, but the website is sofi.com

There is another problem I forgot about - I still live with her.
How should I react if she has mood swings about me closing the account she controls?
She has mood swings on a daily basis, and I'm the only person who sees it - my family defends her, and refuse to listen to anything I have to say because it doesn't suit their opinions about her.
Let me generate some perspective for you. If you see a pile of dog poop on the sidewalk, do you stop, sniff it, and ponder how you may proceed? Of course not. It may seem super obvious to the rest of us, but to you it is a mountain. The mountain, my dear man is a mole hill. You simply lift one foot up and step over it. It is only you giving her this power over you. Take it away, take it back for you. Close the door to her, live your life, not hers. She is living vicariously through you, possessed and empowered by the force only you give her. Stop that. Be immune, see her as a mass of greenery with a cabbage for a head. Then get out, even if to take a walk. Do not let her affect your mood, your day, your plan, not even for a second. The best? Hug her, kiss her on the cheek then walk away.
 

thebussyinvader

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Let me generate some perspective for you. If you see a pile of dog poop on the sidewalk, do you stop, sniff it, and ponder how you may proceed? Of course not. It may seem super obvious to the rest of us, but to you it is a mountain. The mountain, my dear man is a mole hill. You simply lift one foot up and step over it. It is only you giving her this power over you. Take it away, take it back for you. Close the door to her, live your life, not hers. She is living vicariously through you, possessed and empowered by the force only you give her. Stop that. Be immune, see her as a mass of greenery with a cabbage for a head. Then get out, even if to take a walk. Do not let her affect your mood, your day, your plan, not even for a second. The best? Hug her, kiss her on the cheek then walk away.
Well, she won't have any power over me after today is over.
End of story.
I've always had the power, and I've known that this whole time.
I also have goals, and nobody has stopped me from accomplishing them - nor will they ever do so, in the future.
I'm me, and there is only one me.
 

thebussyinvader

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Let me generate some perspective for you. If you see a pile of dog poop on the sidewalk, do you stop, sniff it, and ponder how you may proceed? Of course not. It may seem super obvious to the rest of us, but to you it is a mountain. The mountain, my dear man is a mole hill. You simply lift one foot up and step over it. It is only you giving her this power over you. Take it away, take it back for you. Close the door to her, live your life, not hers. She is living vicariously through you, possessed and empowered by the force only you give her. Stop that. Be immune, see her as a mass of greenery with a cabbage for a head. Then get out, even if to take a walk. Do not let her affect your mood, your day, your plan, not even for a second. The best? Hug her, kiss her on the cheek then walk away.
After reading what you said, I made a list of goals to achieve, because they're goals that I am choosing to achieve without anyone's help.
It's yet another way of taking my power back.
So the first step is getting my money, and the second step, is accomplishing my list of goals and staying committed to achieving them.

Some of those goals include:
1. Start investing
2. Take your insurance exam for your new job and pass the test!
3. Pay off your credit card debt
4. Establish a $4,000 budget toward your move
5. Have at least $3,600 in your savings account at all times
6. Continue pitching your songs to different musicians, and seeing who will work with you.

Speaking of my songwriting, Brenda K. Starr is doing a demo of a song I wrote and produced, called "How Could You?", and I can't wait to see what she does with the record.
My lifelong goal (career wise) is to move to California & be able to save my income from my insurance job, so I can work as a professional songwriter and producer, full-time, without worrying about where my next check is coming from.
 
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AussieJackson

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I agree with most of the advice given you, Aussie. I too was reared in a highly conservative Christian family. After having dealt with my family now on gay issues for 49 years, I can assure you they will never change their minds, nor will it ever truly be OK with them, even if they pretend it is.

Solution? Simple.

1. You are you, they are them. This will never change. Stalling will only allow their comfort at your expense. They deserve acceptance and love as you do.

2. Get the F out of that toxic environment. To this day, I can't stay more than a few days in the insanity that is my family home, even given how much I love them and they me. I left home at 18 and rented a place I could afford. Best thing I ever did.

3. Focus on your boyfriend, live your life, and never move into a house together before you live together in a rented place. Things change when you live with someone.

4. Do not cheat him out of time in favor of the family, ever. Continue with family events, but do not even once choose them over him if a conflict of scheduling or events arises. I had to start taking vacations to avoid being home with the family sans my partner.

5. Their knowledge that you are gay is present, even if not admitted by either of you. Do they talk about their sex lives with you? Probably not, and that's OK. When they ask about girls or try to set you up, simply decline and never lie. Just say "I have no desire to date". When they push, turn the table and ask when the last time was that they had sex. Some things are private, as you choose.

Their natural love of you will make them invasively curious, but they themselves would not tolerate the same sort of invasion by you into their certain affairs. Stay calm and happy around them, secure in your situation. If they see you nervous, it will be mistaken as an error in your choices.
Thank you very much for you help and advice. I figured they would never change their minds. It's set in concrete. It will be nothing more than pretend.

I agree wholly with every point there. I love them and accept the way they are, even though they won't do the same for me. Believe me, I'm working hard to try get out, but it's not easy. I admire your strength to do that at such a young age. I would hope we work out together, but you're right, the dynamic of the relationship must change when owning a house, sharing expenses, all of that. That's an interesting one and one I've adopting more and more. I'm not cheating him out of time anymore. I hope it's not present. I don't really project the stereotypical gay image. HAHA, wow I think if I asked them that I would get some shocked faces.

Thank you so much. I appreciate every bit of it and sorry for the delayed reply xx

Can you move out or move in with your BF/partner?

Come out to your parents/family when you are ready to, and not on someone else's pressure or agenda.
That's in the works and we're trying to sort that out, but it's not easy.

For sure, I plan to. Only when I've moved out.
 

alpha_centauri

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I just tried reapplying for an account with my old bank (who approved me last year).
I was twice rejected today, because of my bad credit.
I have a 502 credit score.
And I tried to purchase a secured card to make payments, but my mother controls my bank account, which has $2,000 in it; she refuses to transfer any money to me because she is angry at me since I tried to move out 3 weeks ago, and she (and my whole family) demanded that I stay.

My family are narcissists, and I'm the only sane one, even without their homophobia and transphobia being a factor in all this.
So even though I might not be able to open a bank account - for (I guess?) a year or two - I do have a job; I just have to get licensed to start my job.
The only other problem is - and I mentioned this in an earlier comment - that I paid $200 for a license application, and was basically scammed.
So now I can't afford the extra $200 I need, this time around; it's stressing me out, and my mother is the only one with the $200, because I have $2,000 in my account which she controls.
The longer I stay here, the more I lash out at myself - asking myself, "How can you be so stupid? You chose to listen to your family when they demanded you stay, so you deserve what's coming to you" - it may sound harsh, but that's all I've thought about these last 3 weeks.
Can you see an affordable lawyer? If you are a legal adult over age 18, unless they set up some legal contract or like a conservatorship for your $ like Britney Spears has/had, then the $ is yours and they have no right to it, and if you want to move away or even to your own place away from them that is your right as an adult.
 

thebussyinvader

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Can you see an affordable lawyer? If you are a legal adult over age 18, unless they set up some legal contract or like a conservatorship for your $ like Britney Spears has/had, then the $ is yours and they have no right to it, and if you want to move away or even to your own place away from them that is your right as an adult.
I tried to transfer the money to my new account, and it didn't work (because the abuser has my account info).
I also tried to close the account entirely, which didn't work (they say my account needs a $0 balance in order to close it, and the abuser always leaves some money in my account).

Since I can't close the account, and I'm the account owner, what am I supposed to do?
I'm 27 years old and feel so trapped.
 

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My parents met most of the guys I was sleeping with when I still lived with them. They were introduced as college friends, college roommates, surfing buddies, hunting buddies, etc. which is what they were...except that we were also sucking each other's dicks.
 

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Hey everyone. I’m a new member here and I’m after some advice.

I grew up in a traditional, ‘old fashioned’ household, and as such my parents have pretty strong views regarding ‘gay issues’. They’ve never been forced on us, but they have been made known. I respect their views and they are entitled to them, regardless if I disagree with them. As far as I’m aware, my parents don’t know I’m gay. I went to a strict school and was pushed to paths I never liked, enjoyed, or wanted to do – I had to play AFL football, work on cars, study ‘real’ subjects, and so on. My whole life has been shaped into what a man should be and the things men do. Now, as an adult (24), I look back and reflect on all the experiences I have missed and look at the person I was, compared to the person I should have been. The only reprise was a relationship with another guy during school. I went to an all boys school, so there was plenty of choice. That lasted a few years, but, unfortunately, some things aren’t meant to be and we split up a year after graduating. I’m still shattered about it.

I’ve always known that, deep down, I hold myself back from doing ‘non manly’ things just to please my parents and keep them happy – I studied languages and music, instead of performing arts. The fact that my brother can do no wrong in their view only makes matters worse, but it is what it is. Now I find I’m in a difficult situation. Over the past year I’ve developed a relationship with a guy from work. At the five month mark we made it official and we’re now a couple; his family know, but mine don’t.

At this point, I’ll say that I still live at home with my family and he lives at home with his family. I’m working on saving for a house, but it is outrageously expensive here in Australia. Most people would introduce their partner to their family, invite them over for dinner, and spend time with each other. However, I find I’m holding back, as usual, and I fear I will damage our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it when people say ‘who cares what they think, just do what you want to do and be yourself’. I would, but I still live at home and my relationship with my parents has been shaky, to say the least; being myself would only make it worse.

Hopefully I have made sense. Any advice is welcome
You may want to consider getting a therapist to help you with the process of revealing this to your parents. They certainly will be shocked when they find this out.
 

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My parents met most of the guys I was sleeping with when I still lived with them. They were introduced as college friends, college roommates, surfing buddies, hunting buddies, etc. which is what they were...except that we were also sucking each other's dicks.
Did your parents ever sit down and have a chat with you and say 'Who do you think you are kidding? We know you are not hetero/straight and are getting fucked by these guys...'

Or did your fuck buddies ever tell your parents "If it isn't obvious by now, You know we fuck on the regular right?"
 

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Did your parents ever sit down and have a chat with you and say 'Who do you think you are kidding? We know you are not hetero/straight and are getting fucked by these guys...'

Or did your fuck buddies ever tell your parents "If it isn't obvious by now, You know we fuck on the regular right?"
No they never did, I am pretty sure my parents knew but they were too prudish to say anything.
 

alpha_centauri

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No they never did, I am pretty sure my parents knew but they were too prudish to say anything.
Ok my parents were not perverts or like sex deviants but they were not stupid and knew I was having sex with men and women and am bisexual...I never had sex at their house but it was not a secret or forbidden topic.
 
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Trevor

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Ok my parents were not perverts or like sex deviants but they were not stupid and knew I was having sex with men and women and am bisexual...I never had sex at their house but it was not a secret or forbidden topic.
Parents never discussed sex with me. Not sure about my sister I assume mom talked to her about periods pregnancy and stuff. The topic of sex was never brought up at our house. My dad had a sister who dressed like a dude, cut her hair like a dude, never wore make-up, rode a Harley, and shared an apartment with a female "roommate" for decades and when her roommate became terminally ill with cancer she qui her job to be her caregiver. Dad still insists that his sister was not a Lesbian. :joy:
 
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alpha_centauri

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Parents never discussed sex with me. Not sure about my sister I assume mom talked to her about periods pregnancy and stuff. The topic of sex was never brought up at our house. My dad had a sister who dressed like a dude, cut her hair like a dude, never wore make-up, rode a Harley, and shared an apartment with a female "roommate" for decades and when her roommate became terminally ill with cancer she qui her job to be her caregiver. Dad still insists that his sister was not a Lesbian. :joy:
That is really weird about your lesbian aunt. Did you tell her before your parents?
 

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That is really weird about your lesbian aunt. Did you tell her before your parents?
Never told her, she died when I was young. I still hadn't figured things out at that point. Didn't figure out that she was a lesbian either. I was so naive that I that had no clue what a Lesbian was.
 
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alpha_centauri

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Never told her, she died when I was younger. I still hadn't figured things out at that point. Didn't figure out that she was a lesbian either. I was so naive that I that had no clue what a Lesbian was.
I am sorry for your loss. I have an aunt who everyone thought is bisexual or lesbian as she and my uncle slept in seperate beds, lived seperate lives, etc. but she is not she just really hates men and there are some mental health issues there.
 
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Trevor

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I am sorry for your loss. I have an aunt who everyone thought is bisexual or lesbian as she and my uncle slept in seperate beds, lived seperate lives, etc. but she is not she just really hates men and there are some mental health issues there.
After her partner died (of breast cancer) my aunt figured out she had it too. According to my mom she knew she had it and did not seek treatment because she wanted to die. I am guessing that she wanted to be with her partner who had recently passed. My aunt was only 45 when she died.

I figured out that she had been a lesbian after she passed away. I didn't know what gays or lesbians were.
 
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thebussyinvader

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Quick update - It's been awhile since I posted here.
I'm in a new relationship, and my boyfriend is also closeted (for a totally different reason than me), but he loves and supports me.
We've been dating for 3 months now, and I'm moving in February 2024 to be closer to him; another reason for my move is I've been unemployed for 3 years and will have $3500 in savings.
I have 2 options (about my move):
1) Move to California & get my own place there, to be closer to my boyfriend;
2) Move to Nebraska & live with a roommate for a year + move to California in February 2025
 

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Well do you plan on your guy waiting on you that long? Or you afraid he will find someone else ..

You take the money find a cheap place to live( good luck from what I hear it’s expensive as hell)

.. sign a contract with your guy to move in with him as you find work..

I know it be hard for me to wait that long for my man to come be with me.. sometimes the things you want in life come to you if you dive in and see how it goes
 
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thebussyinvader

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Well do you plan on your guy waiting on you that long? Or you afraid he will find someone else ..

You take the money find a cheap place to live( good luck from what I hear it’s expensive as hell)

.. sign a contract with your guy to move in with him as you find work..

I know it be hard for me to wait that long for my man to come be with me.. sometimes the things you want in life come to you if you dive in and see how it goes
Well, my man is wealthy and self made.
He refuses to visit me; that gave me the inspiration to move in the first place.
One good thing that can happen then, is we'll have dated for 9 months by February & things will get serious.
The only thing I'm waiting on is, I'm not mentioning my living situation until it's time to leave.
I did tell him I'm moving to California to be closer to him, and he's 100% supportive.
My only problem is money, so I have to save this $3500 and that'll be all I have until I find work.
I also was planning on moving to a rent controlled apartment in LA, since I get government assistance already, so I'll use the rental assistance to get by - it's the only option I've got.