Advice - please

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rckhrdstd, Aug 2, 2011.

  1. rckhrdstd

    rckhrdstd Active Member

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    So - my gf of a year and a half recently moved in with me and was using my computer the other day and happened to stumble across a website that isn't exactly "straight." She obviously has/had no idea that I like to look at gay porn on occasion and has no idea that I have some attraction to men.

    She understandably is pretty pissed....

    Any suggestions on how to fix it?
     
  2. Blorkin

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    Tell the truth. Also you should clear you history, cookies, etc.
     
  3. umami_tsunami

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    Talk to her about it. Be honest. If you love her and want to have a good relationship, tell her honestly that your sexuality and arousal are not neatly confined (or defined). There are very few absolutes in human sexuality. Reassure her that she is the object of your affection and you're not going to go screaming into the night buying Judy Garland records and feather boas.

    Cultural and religious bullshit often prevent people from openly expressing that they are aroused by things that can be considered gay. Go on this website with her and show her the hundreds (maybe thousands) of straight men who like to look at cocks and are fascinated by how they work in straight and gay sex.

    Be proud that you are confident enough to know what you like and what excites you. Communication, honesty and reassurance are the foundation of a good relationship.
     
  4. MickeyLee

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    why is she angry?
    finding a history of dudes you hooked up with from craig's list *assuming y'all are not in an open relationship* justifiably cranky.

    just you occasionally like a lil man on man action?
    i don't understand.

    eta: Mr. Umami Tsunami is speaking sage. +1 what he said.
     
  5. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    Explain yourself to her, if she's still pissed and being a bitch about it dump her. If you can't be honest with her about your sexuality without her freaking out and being obnoxious about it then she's not worth the effort.
     
  6. belowaverage1

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    You like cock as well, it's obvious now. If she's not okay with it then leave.

    If she doesn't want you looking at porn that's between you and her.

    Other than that I actually suggest keeping your so OFF of your personal belongings at all time such as your phone and computer.
     
  7. ericbythebay

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    I don't understand, why is she pissed? Did you tell her something untrue or break an agreement? Or is she just being homophobic?
     
  8. helgaleena

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    What eric said. I don't get this 'understandably' bit. Unless you were in the habit of pretending to be 100 percent straight? In that case you need to quit hiding things, as it will only lead to sorrow, whether she is prejudiced or not.
     
  9. Countryguy63

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    Curious? What ever happened with this?
     
  10. rckhrdstd

    rckhrdstd Active Member

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    We talked about it and she's not 100% ok with it - but gets it I guess. I clear my history much more religiously now lol.
     
  11. Countryguy63

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    Cool to hear that you worked it out :smile:
     
  12. kennethmarkzamora

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    damage has already been done bro. you just have to tell her the truth. and if she really loves you, she'll accept you for who you are.
     
  13. erratic

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    I'm glad you told her the truth. As long as you tell her the truth and stay up-front about your attraction, you'll never be the bad guy.

    I'm curious though: Is she upset that you didn't tell her that you like looking at gay porn, or is she upset that you didn't tell her?
     
  14. freeballininnyc

    freeballininnyc Active Member

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    I'm glad things are seemingly working out for the OP but the a lot of the opinions about whether his gf was accepting or not are total crap. As stated, they just moved in together. That indicates that they were probably dating and intimate for a good bit beforehand. So she thinks she knows this guy pretty well and decides to give up some of her personal every day freedom and move in with him. She finds questionable material on his computer and the majority of you are acting like she's a homophobe or a selfish bitch. She has no idea, until a discussion is had, how strong his urges/interest may or may not be. At first glance, I'd say she has every right to be pissed.
     
  15. NoH8

    NoH8 Member

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    I guess FreeballininNYC is putting your girlfriend's point of view which is fair enough, but really, you chose her, not some other woman, or another man, so I guess, like any other man, she just has to trust you on this, that it's her you want.

    As for the idea that it's gay porn v's hetero porn, it shouldn't be relevant.

    Any partner might be feeling disappointed that they're "not enough" for you, or not sexy, or not your first choice, so reassure her, that she's still the one, that she's sexy and beautiful.

    Also, though I think you seem like a great guy, she might be mistaken and imagine that you're less of a man now that she knows about your fantasy life. Reassure her that it isn't true, that you're still the man you always were and you can still satisfy her, just as she can satisfy you. It sounds trite and obvious, but people in shock sometimes miss the most obvious things.

    You could also be feeling hurt that your privacy was taken away from you so unexpectedly. You might want to establish some ground rules around that. On the other hand, it's great that it happened early in your life together and it might become something unique and special, this fantasy life, that you can both share in private moments. If she is willing to try to understand, then it makes your partnership that much more intimate and special. Check out the M/F couples on LPSG who share a love of big cocks for example. For some it's a fantasy, for others it might develop into something they do together. If you like, this is an early test of your love for each other.

    What doesn't break us makes us stronger.

    With sincere best wishes.
     
  16. NoH8

    NoH8 Member

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    This is very good advice. (But also remember, even the truth can hurt).
     
  17. Dell1962

    Dell1962 Member

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    Have you ever read the book, "So you want to be my girlfriend?" Got it on my Kindle, powerful read and really does put relationships in a whole new perspective. You are supposed to be able to do anything you want. If she CHOOSES to be with you, then she is supposed to accept you and everything about you, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. You are you and you show through your ACTIONS that you want to be with her. I have been married four times, I LOVE women! But I still like to look at cocks. So? Does not mean I want to go suck one. I can admire, but not touch. Read that book. Through Amazon.
     
  18. erratic

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    This is very true, and why we tell little white lies ("No way. Your butt looks great in those jeans.")

    However, if you ask me, when the lie isn't little any more ("That gay porn on my computer was just research for a novel I'm writing...") the mess of pain and anger that happens when the truth finally comes out is only compounded by the earlier lying.

    Also, yes, saying "Honey, I'm a bit bi. Don't worry about it; I'm not interested in anyone but you!" may upset her, cause stress in your relationship, or carry the possibility of ending the relationship. However, waiting until much later and saying "Oh, by the way, I'm a bit bi" after getting caught in the act will upset her, will cause stress in your relationship, carries a greater possibility of ending the relationship, and will also cause her to suspect how truthful you're being since you've been lying to her about it for x amount of time - and only fessed up when caught.

    As freeballininnyc wrote, she's understandably pissed. But, as NOH8 pointed out, you guys may want to talk about privacy and boundaries. I don't know if she stumbled upon gay porn on your computer innocently, or if she was doing a bit of...um...creative searching.

    And, as for the homophobia bit, if she's pissed at you because you didn't tell her about this, that's a pass. If she's pissed at you because you didn't tell her you're not totally straight, and being un-straight is a problem for her, well that's not cool on her part either.
     
  19. NoH8

    NoH8 Member

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    I'm very much with you erratic. It's really for the best that this came out in the early part of their life together. It saves living a lie and being "discovered" much later when so much more could be at stake after many years.

    The truth also opens the relationship to a greater level of erotic potential and intimacy if she is willing to love her man completely and unconditionally.
     
  20. erratic

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    Exactly. There's risk to opening yourself up to someone else - all of you, even the parts you're embarrassed of - but the reward is a huge increase in trust and intimacy if it turns out well.
     
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