Advice Please

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by gordonuk, May 27, 2006.

  1. gordonuk

    gordonuk Member

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    If a gay person is not into the gay scene and is not interested in going to clubs or social events how can they find themself a boyfriend.
    I am in this situation which I am sure others are too, but what can they do except look on the web, many would say its all sex based but there gotta be someone that is similar but how do you go about finding the one, without sex being the number 1 issue.
     
  2. warmhorizon

    warmhorizon Member

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    That's pretty much exactly the same as me. I'm so shy in real life you wouldn't believe it! Plus I'm so bored of the clubbing scene, I don't drink, do drugs or smoke (I just don't want to, not some kind of health freak) and I have no idea how to meet guys.
     
  3. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Can you meet them at the grocery store?:rolleyes:

    Sorry... What about personal ads, or maybe attempting to hunt around for people in your area.

    OR, if you have friends who know you are gay, maybe they have friends who are also gay, there is nothing wrong with a blind date or two.:biggrin1:
     
  4. AlteredEgo

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    Find a gay social group which does things you find interesting.

    Local to me, I can think of one which attends cultural events, and one which among other things plays board games every Wednesday night.
     
  5. tallguypns

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    If your city doesn't have any gay social groups as Bronxy suggested you attend, then my advice would be to just attend groups meetings with which you share an interest. Nearly every city no matter how small would have some sort of social interest groups. If you like dancing, join one of those dance groups. Like to sew, join a sewing group. Like cars? Join a car club. Chances are you will run into someone gay no matter what you do. Concentrate less on finding gay people and more on making friends. If you are open to your new friends about your own sexuality, they will know someone that's gay as well. Matchmaking happens this way. Other than that, try some of the online matchmaking sites for gays. Many of the guys online may be about sexual encounters, but many may be just like you.

    Good luck and happy hunting.
     
  6. yhtang

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    Like warmhorizon, I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I'm not into drugs. I don't gamble either. I try to keep fit by going to a gym, and I have met a few people there. It is a lot of hit and miss though, but then that's how it is in the natural world. Got to kiss a lot of frogs......
     
  7. Charles Finn

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    ok i am lucky enough to have 2 bf's so here is how i found them.
    Tony and I met thru a chruch conference. in 2003 when he stayed with my then bf and I.
    I have known bf Jeremy since 2002 when we met and chatted online for a year before finally meeting at the now ex bf's house.
    if you don't like bars or clubs. and those days are 15 years ago for me.
    try meeting men online and make sure sex is not the first thing that comes up.
    btw I am 38yo bf Jeremy is 33yo and bf Tony is 25yo.
    just shop online and be picky.
     
  8. Fire Stick

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    My advice is simply to cultivate more awareness of the people you see in your everyday life -- at restaurants, at the grocery store, on downtown steets while on your lunck break, etc. Other gay men can be in any place at any time, and often it is not difficult to "pick up vibes" from each other if you are open to it. Just be a little friendlier than what the circumsatnces really call for -- if he recipriocates, there is a very good chance that he is interested in you. This can be potentially cruisy, sure, but not necessarily. You can contol that aspect.

    Like you, I am not a natural barfly, and my inclination has always been to be somewhat reserved with strangers. However, I eventually realized that gay people are everywhere and that you can meet nice guys anywhere if you just let down your defenses a little and stay on the look out.
     
  9. LoveLoveSugar

    LoveLoveSugar New Member

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    Ha- I have the same problem! Im So shy, and I hate clubs! But I find a good way to meet attractive gay guys is shopping for clothes, Especially in stores like "Le Chateau". But last night I was forced onto a disco boat cruise, and I hated it, everyone was drunk and dancing, and I wanted to die. HAHA~ But as fate would have it, I met a guy in my exact same situation, he just came along with his friends. So even tho I hate bars, and clubs, I think im going to start going there on occasion, just to find guys like me. Anyways, ive had my best luck with the mall! theres my imput!
     
  10. rawbone8

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    One guy I know had a situation similar to yours. The exception is that he was willing to get involved to some level in social situations.

    He was new to the city. He tried to sample many of the social scenes. He tried some of the "theme" nights at some gay bars. None felt like a fit for him. He was a little overweight, average looks, and from a small town and somewhat fearful of being socially awkward, much in the way teens in a new high school feel when they begin all over. Defining which tribe or label one belongs with just felt superficial and limiting for him.

    His prime interests were areas like theatre and art, and he found like-minded souls at those venues. He did volunteer work at the Toronto Film Festival. He learned to relax a bit as he met new people, and ultimately decided he could just be himself. There were friends he made in those circles who afforded social opportunities with new people, some of which included gay males, with whom he felt he "fit". Dating became a possiblity when he met guys he liked.
     
  11. chico8

    chico8 New Member

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    Kevin (who deserves to be on this forum more than I do :biggrin1: ) and I met on the Seattle to Portland bikeride. He admired my legs, I, his butt and we hit it off and dated for over a year.

    Get out and do what you like to do, you're sure to meet someone gay. Even if they're not interested or already attached, they may well know someone who shares your interest. There are also plenty of gay sport clubs in the UK, or photography or bird watching or.... The opportunities are endless.
     
  12. angelina84go

    angelina84go New Member

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    it would be easy if you have friends that is outgoing, and if you tell them your situation, they might help you, and might refer a guy of your dreams.... :)
     
  13. Robiqe2

    Robiqe2 Member

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    I should think that this shouldn't be much different from meeting other people. I realize I'm deviating from the post just a bit, but I'm willing to admit my ignorance. I've never assumed that meeting someone, whether you're homosexual or heterosexual was so different; I've always assumed that the life of a gay individual portrayed as abundantly high-frequenced with drugs, sex, and parties was a stereotype. I'm 22 and single. I guess I fall into the asexual category. Many call me a monk simply because I don't commit such desires as sex and relationships to my everyday life. Unfortunately I do think about such things and think it perhaps deviant to not actively seek out such things.

    Long story short, if you're looking for someone, there's a good chance that person is looking for you. Remember your interests and where you go to satiate them and be patient. Not too patient, mind you. Take risk. In today's politically correct nonsense people seem so unwilling to take a chance. Now if you'll excuse me I going to try some of my own advice.
     
  14. Wrat

    Wrat New Member

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    I think, as has been mentioned before, that the best way to meet people is to be involved in activities that take you out of the house and get you involved with your community, whatever that may be.
    I have some gay friends that don't look gay, don't act gay, (whatever that means, I think you can guess) and I would not know they were gay if they weren't out with everyone, and I would think that guys like this that don't hit the bars or make a big show would have a hard time finding dates, but they actually do quite well. Even in a medium sized midwestern town without a single gay hangout.
    Stay involved. Be yourself.
     
  15. Paper5tr3et7

    Paper5tr3et7 New Member

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    My best friend is in this perdiciment, it gets him down form time to time. I try to help though.
     
  16. Nelly Gay

    Nelly Gay New Member

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    Personally, I would avoid "gay clubs and societies" as they can have a ghetto mentality .
    Why not do an evening class in something you like and then socialise with your gay/straight class-mates ?
    There are specialist Internet sites for most topics including "Sci Fi" and Doctor Who.
    A common bond helps.
    You will have something to talk about ...r
     
  17. B_Hung Muscle

    B_Hung Muscle New Member

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    This is super advice. Being open and accessible, you will, at a minimum, be left with great new friends.
     
  18. NCbear

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    I understand. I used to be painfully shy, sure that everyone would laugh at me if I opened my mouth (or, worse yet, look at me with that disdainful expression, "As if I would talk to you" -- you know the one I mean). And I went to bars trying to meet interesting people but only met people from one subset of the gay subculture. (Being college-aged, I didn't know any better. Took a while to grow out of the expectation that I'd meet lots of multifaceted men in bars and clubs.)

    But then I met people who were warm and open and I copied their approach. After modeling my behavior on theirs, I learned that I could be warm and open to other people as well. And I learned that while rejection is painful, being rejected by a jerk really isn't -- I could walk away thinking, "Well, consider the source; there really are other fish in the sea, and probably friendlier" and my feelings wouldn't be hurt.

    Just people-watch a bit and look at what people do who are genuinely friendly and approachable (and not crazy, manipulative, codependent, or otherwise dysfunctional) and how they relate to others. Think of ways you can do some of those same things. As you practice it more and more, you'll find out what works for you. (Side note: Interestingly, my looks haven't changed, but as I've warmed up to people, they've noticed my looks more and more in positive ways, and comment on how handsome I am. It's really just smiling more and talking more with people.)

    And I really like the advice to do what you want to do and be open to meeting people who also like to do those things. That has really worked for me as well. Much less shy now, much happier as well.

    NCbear
     
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