Advice...

[ericthorson]

Normally I am just a lurker on this site, but I need to get this off my chest and thought this might be a good site to do so, and it is the only forum I really know.

Anyways this has been eating me up and I'm not to sure what to do. First of all I would consider myself bisexual however I have never done anything with another man before. I currently have a girlfriend of about 7 months and things are going good in all aspects. She knows that I am bisexual and have wanted to experiment with another man but have never had the opportunity to before.

Anyways I was at school library studying and it was really dead. It was really only myself and this other guy. Anyways, he walked by me and asked me if I knew where the bathrooms were. I pointed them out and when he was all done he came back to thank me. Anyways a while later he came back by my desk and asked how I was doing, complemented me on my shoes and if I wanted to go for a walk with him. We were talking and he seemed like a nice guy. Anyways I could tell he was trying to pick me up and that he had a major foot/sock fetish.

As we approached my desk he said that jacking off was always a good thing for him to do to help clear his mind and said thats why he goes to the bathroom a lot. He then invited me to join him but I turned him down. He went back to the bathroom and after a couple minutes of me thinking when I would never have an opportunity like this again I went in there.

We jacked each other off and he sucked my cock for a little bit. As soon as I left the washroom I felt sick. He came back by my desk and gave me his email and said for me to hit him up. I left right away as I was shaking uncontrollably. I feel so incredibly guilty, and I still do. I feel like shit that I did that to my girlfriend. I always think of cheaters as complete assholes and her last boyfriend cheated on her too.

I just can't believe I did that, I don't know what to do. Do I tell her??? Should I just forget about it , overcome my guilt and learn my lesson??? Please give me some advice.

 

[D_bp7c5r]

I think you should tell her....

 

[buzzrider7]

First of all, take a deep breath and get a good night's sleep! Once your feelings have calmed a bit, take a few days to think about what you want to do. My advice would be to come clean. You seem like a good and honest guy, so keeping this a secret would make you more of the kind of person you described that you don't want to be. If you've already told her about your desire to experiment with men, she may very well be cool and supportive. How did she react when you brought it up?
The first time I messed around with a guy I spent the entire day thinking I needed to throw up, like I had done something disgusting. If this goes away and the memories start to turn you on, then I'd say you definitely do have an interest in guys. If you continue to feel grossed out about it, then maybe you're just into girls.
At any rate, you're exploring your sexuality, which I firmly believe is a good thing. Don't be so hard on yourself!

 

[helgaleena]

You and your girl need to have a good long talk about how each of you defines cheating. Some people might say that because she knows you are bi, you would be tempted by males, and that as long as it wasn't another female she could tolerate it. But it was a third person, and if you were married it would definitely be something a wife has a right to give permission for Beforehand.

However you are not married, only gf-bf, which means you have to negotiate what your 'rules' ought to be. Do not beat yourself up until you know if you are supposed to or not!

 

[erratic]

^^^ What she said.

 

[killerb]

tell her

 

[601900]

You have to tell her,the fact that you feel so remorseful is a good thing,but as difficult as it is you have to tell her what you did.

 

[MC1000]

If you tell her is it for her benefit or yours? Telling her will releave your guilt, but what will it do to here? If you love her and care about her feelings, then keep this to yourself. I'm not saying a one time cheating is ok. Is coming clean worth ruining a relationship? I know it is not a popular belief but life and relationships are full of lies big and small.

If your encounter is causing a problem in your relationship and telling her about your experience is going to HELP the relationship then by all means you need to tell her. If your encounter is going to lead to more encounters and undermind the relationship then you owe it to her to tell her. If this was a one time event treat it as such and tack it up to experiemce.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You are NOT the first person to do this and you won't be the last. We have all bought into this idealized versoin of love, relationship and marriage. For some it is a "true storybook romance", but for most it is somewhat less.

Don't tell her!

 

[Adrian69702006]

There are two key issues here, I think. One is that of fidelity and loyalty. What you've described appears to be mutual masturbation and a little bit of oral sex thrown in which is a long way from full on intercourse. However if you have feelings for this guy (and it's fairly obvious he's attracted to you) it could become an issue if you decided to take matters further and tried to keep things beneath your girlfriend's radar. Women in the main are pretty intuitive - even the ones you wouldn't expect to be - and I suspect she'll realise sooner or later that something isn't right if you keep it from her.

The second key issue is, of course, deciding what you really want. Are your feelings stronger for this guy than they are for your girlfriend or vice versa? Do you want to have your cake and eat it? Do you think your girlfriend would be receptive to the idea of a three way relationship - or the other guy for that matter? These are all questions which you'll have to ask and answer yourself.

Meanwhile, the one non-negotiable piece of advice I would give is to always practice safe sex. Don't do anything which involves exchanging bodily fluids with someone who's sexual history you're unsure of. It may sound tedious but that's as important now as it's ever been.

 

[lucidbass]

What would you want your girlfriend to do if she did something like that?

That's your answer.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

MC1000 is the only one who answered wisely.

The urge to tell her is a selfish one. You want absolution of the guilt you rightly feel for cheating on her.
But in seeking such absolution from her, you transfer the burden of this knowledge to her.

You leave it up to her to be the one to deal with knowing you did this, place the onus upon her to try and forgive you, and, no matter how she may want to... knowing you did this will eat at her and breed resentment.
If, after months or years of trying to forget and forgive, it turns out she can not overlook this transgression, then you make her the villain for saying she would forgive you when she was unable to.

In telling, you not only seek to escape your guilt... but to set her up to carry the weight of your infidelity.

Telling her is to feed slow acting poison to into your relationship.

Why would you put this ghost between the two of you?

All that really matters is whether you intend to change this behavior. If you truly learned that cheating is not something you can ever feel okay about doing, and if you genuinely love her... then you should resolve to never repeat this mistake again.

And shoulder this guilt that is rightfully your burden to carry, in silence... never speak of it to another, never brag about it...

A man carries his own water.

 

[Adrian69702006]

MC1000 is the only one who answered wisely.

The urge to tell her is a selfish one. You want absolution of the guilt you rightly feel for cheating on her.
But in seeking such absolution from her, you transfer the burden of this knowledge to her.

You leave it up to her to be the one to deal with knowing you did this, place the onus upon her to try and forgive you, and, no matter how she may want to... knowing you did this will eat at her and breed resentment.
If, after months or years of trying to forget and forgive, it turns out she can not overlook this transgression, then you make her the villain for saying she would forgive you when she was unable to.

In telling, you not only seek to escape your guilt... but to set her up to carry the weight of your infidelity.

Telling her is to feed slow acting poison to into your relationship.

Why would you put this ghost between the two of you?

All that really matters is whether you intend to change this behavior. If you truly learned that cheating is not something you can ever feel okay about doing, and if you genuinely love her... then you should resolve to never repeat this mistake again.

And shoulder this guilt that is rightfully your burden to carry, in silence... never speak of it to another, never brag about it...

A man carries his own water.

With respect Phil, I must disagree. Eric, the person who started this thread is the only person who knows what his feelings are and the emotions which exist between him and his girlfriend as well as this other guy. Only he too can predict, so far as it's possible to predict, how his girlfriend's likely to react if he tells her. Of course if he tells her there's a very real sense in which their relationship won't be the same again. However if he doesn't tell her there's a good chance she'll suspect that something isn't right and will want to know why. It's an unenviable situation and I feel for him. However only he and he and he alone can decide. All we can do is offer our advice, based on what has life has taught us, as impartial observers.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I feel so incredibly guilty, and I still do. I feel like shit that I did that to my girlfriend. I always think of cheaters as complete assholes and her last boyfriend cheated on her too.

I just can't believe I did that, I don't know what to do. Do I tell her??? Should I just forget about it , overcome my guilt and learn my lesson??? Please give me some advice.

Why would you tell her? You need to resolve never to repeat this mistake, and move on. It's not her job to absolve your guilt. Right now, she is happily ignorant. All you can do, is fill her with anger, hurt, fear, and doubt. I wouldn't say anything.

So what is your responsibility to her? You need to protect her from STDs. No more unprotected sex acts of any kind with her for the next six months. Not even oral. (Manual should be fine provided you do not have open wounds on your fingers.) Meanwhile, every three months, you need to be screened for as many STDs as your clinic will screen for. After six months, you should be fine. If you cannot do this without telling her why, then THAT is the reason you should come clean. You received oral sex from a perfect stranger without the consent of a partner who was expecting the added protection of monogamy.

 

[Corius]

Ericthorson, I'm not into giving advice, but I have to agree with those who tell you to keep that to yourself. I consider myself to be ambisexual rather than bisexual because I know I have the ability to sustain and be happy in a sexual relationship with a man or with a womam. In my teens and twenties I had relationships with both men and women but I was always a faithful partner and never tried to have more than one partner at a time.

When I met the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with I knew that meant that I would not have sex with a man again while I was married. I have managed to remain faithful to my wife. But, I do need the friendship of men and a couple of my men friends are aware that I have the hots for them as they have the hots for me. For more than forty years we have supported each other in our situations.

But, we have long ago come to an understanding that if at some time we should slip in our resolve to avoid sex it would not be the end of our friendship. After all we are all frail human beings and things happen.

What happened, my friend, is not the most deadly of transgressions. Bear the burden of guilt you feel by yourself. Your girlfriend need not be troubled by your one failure.

 

[rob_]

If you're ever going to do this again, tell her now.
If you can promise yourself that it will never happen again, keep it to yourself. Telling her will only cause her pain and put a strain on the relationship (if it continues).

 

[Brick7]

MC1000 is the only one who answered wisely.

The urge to tell her is a selfish one. You want absolution of the guilt you rightly feel for cheating on her.
But in seeking such absolution from her, you transfer the burden of this knowledge to her.

You leave it up to her to be the one to deal with knowing you did this, place the onus upon her to try and forgive you, and, no matter how she may want to... knowing you did this will eat at her and breed resentment.
If, after months or years of trying to forget and forgive, it turns out she can not overlook this transgression, then you make her the villain for saying she would forgive you when she was unable to.

In telling, you not only seek to escape your guilt... but to set her up to carry the weight of your infidelity.

Telling her is to feed slow acting poison to into your relationship.

Why would you put this ghost between the two of you?

All that really matters is whether you intend to change this behavior. If you truly learned that cheating is not something you can ever feel okay about doing, and if you genuinely love her... then you should resolve to never repeat this mistake again.

And shoulder this guilt that is rightfully your burden to carry, in silence... never speak of it to another, never brag about it...

A man carries his own water.

I agree with this. You shouldn't tell her...it will absolve only your guilt and make her feel terrible.
If you think you should tell her, write it in a letter then burn it. You can vow to yourself not to do something like this again and stick to it. But I think telling her would be a huge mistake.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

With respect Phil, I must disagree. Eric, the person who started this thread is the only person who knows what his feelings are and the emotions which exist between him and his girlfriend as well as this other guy. Only he too can predict, so far as it's possible to predict, how his girlfriend's likely to react if he tells her. Of course if he tells her there's a very real sense in which their relationship won't be the same again. However if he doesn't tell her there's a good chance she'll suspect that something isn't right and will want to know why. It's an unenviable situation and I feel for him. However only he and he and he alone can decide. All we can do is offer our advice, based on what has life has taught us, as impartial observers.

With respect returned... I don't believe the OP has the slightest idea how his girl will respond.
I don't think even his girl has the slightest idea how she will respond.


This is a very hard thing to hear, and no matter how much she may wish to be forgiving, no matter how earnestly she promises to forgive him, there is no way some very young woman or very young man are going to comprehend how knowing this will affect their feelings over the course of years.

All I can say is that I have seen it in my own experience, and in the experience of literally dozens of friends... and of all the instance I am aware of... seeking her forgiveness ultimately poisoned the relationship.

For some it only took a few months, in my case, she held on for 12 years... but there is no doubt in my mind that the steady decline my marriage suffered was from the lingering doubts and hurt of knowing about a single nights indiscretion on my part.
I never did it again...

And if I had never told her, that would have been a ghost that only haunted me, rather than one that haunted us both.

 

[OCMuscleJock]

I agree with Phil. However, IF you really feel the need...you can tell her about the the offer and the conversation between you and the guy...but I'd not go past that. You said she knows you've wanted too...but haven't. Maybe she'll say, why don't you try it next time. Then you can come clean anther time about it happening...just don't say it was before SHE said to try it. That way you can gauge what her reaction would be to the THOUGHT of you doing something with another guy while in the relationship. Again, that is if you feel you NEED to get it off your chest. Otherwise, I'd not tell her about it.

Bright side is...you finally allowed yourself to explore your sexuality. **LOTS of people, male or female, feel or know that they are bi and never allow themselves to experience the actual act.** This usually manifests itself as homophobia or bitterness within their current relationship. Most Homophobes that I've known..usually end up being the ones you see out or online looking for dick later on.

Now you just have to decide which route to take, unless the gf is open to being in an open relationship. Also, if this is the case, you have to think about if you both can handle the aspects of the open relationship and agree on the rules of that relationships boundaries.

 

[azladd]

I see nothing wrong with telling her.Isn't that what relationships are for? I dont believe this nonsense about it being selfish and what would it do to her. What would it do to her if you gave her an STD and DIDN'T tell her? How would she ever be expected to trust you? However, there may not be anything wrong with not telling her if you have resolved to never repeat this . There is nothing wrong with exploring but I think there is a time and place for that- usually not in a relationship. But every situation and relationship is different, so only you can determine when it is appropriate to experiment. The onblu other thing I would advise is, if you are going to explore, do it with someone you know and trust. Too many creeps out there. The idea that a random stranger would come up to you without either one of you knowing each others sexual history and whether you're both disease free is just very risky. Not to mention there are guys who pick up on suspectingly " gay " or " bi" guys , only to do them physical harm ( gay bashers). So be careful. Follow your heart and your convictions and you should be ok.

 

[baldballs1234]

did it myself one time she wont know