Advice....

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dudepiston, Sep 2, 2006.

  1. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    Ok yet another crappy thread by me :)

    Anyone have any advice on what a person can do who is in a GOOD solid male/female relationship, but finds himself dealing with the gay issue? I mean, my ration keeps changing daily. Some days I feel 100% gay, others 50/50. Most days I'm in between. I've never had sex with a male and doubt I ever will. I Would prefer to just be content staying married & having sex with the female spouse, but can't get the gay thoughts out of his head? Marital sex is good, masturbation is fine, porn is good, and those things are GOOD releases (!) but, is there something I've not thought of that does not involve cheating around? I know my wife would not be "ok" with it, and I just can't even bring myself to consider cheating. Surely this is a "thinking outside the box" issue - I just can't come up with anything that might help. Is there something in between gay sex and solid fidelity that really boils down to keeping the faith? Ideas?
     
  2. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Dude, we have had this conversation before. IF you are unhappy with your wife... You guys should really consider councilling, or talk about an open relationship. I know you love her deeply but it isn't far for you to keep yourself locked in this cage.
     
  3. Lex

    Lex
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    Dudepiston--everyone's path is different. For me, as I explored my orientation, my wife and I changed the rules of our relationship. I would never have begun the journey to fully uncovering who I am if I had not.

    I used to have those days when I felt more gay than than not. That was all during what I call my transition phase--as my desire for female intimacy slowly began to wane. Now, I just feel gay--if there is such a thing.

    Also--a person can only repress and surpress his/her true self for so long.

    I have taken to sometimes reading the blogs of other married gay men. Some of them have sexual realtionships and some of them don't. It's all very painful to read.

    Closet Man --> Drew's Next Steps (You will find links to other blogs within his blog).

    Does your wife even know? Good with your journey.
     
  4. Wonderboy

    Wonderboy New Member

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    This is complicated...do you watch gay porn, and are you saying that isn't enough of a release?

    But if you don't want to cheat...how will you be satisfied and happy, sexually at least? Do you have 'anal play' in the bedroom?

    Anyway, I spose all you could do is try reading those blogs although it may be best to see some kind of counsellor, either with your wife, or by yourself (then perhaps with your wife after a time).

    It's a toughie.
     
  5. Lex

    Lex
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    Seeing a counselor can help you understand your urges and maybe find a way to explore them. No counselor will make your orientation different or your urges go away.
     
  6. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    Yep Jeff I think you're right. I may have even posted about this before; just wondering what others experiences might be. If any new advancements have been made in the field of sexual expression :)))) You never know, someone on this very board might concoct a new way of handling these - or ANY - urges. My urges are both sexual & emtional, so simple porn HELPS but too often I find myself infatuated with guys online or even in real-life. Guys who have no idea I find them so very interesting. Lex, it's frustrating...but I have enjoyed reading of your experiences and I think what you've devleoped in your relationship is very unique & hopefully healthy. My wife knows (or knew) my desires from before we were married but this has just not been discussed since. I feel deep down that is not the direction I can go with this at this time. I will read those blogs, however. Thanks for the advice guys :)



     
  7. davidjh7

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    Only you can say which pathe is right for you, and I understand your desire to keep your commitment, and honor your wife, who you do clearly love. Ultimately, you will have to make a choice----which path will lead to the most happiness for you, because either way you go, there will be pain involved. Know you aren't alone----I have had more friends, and spoken to more men in your situation that you can imagine---the choices presented to us in our generation were pretty limited, although there were more choices than the previous generation. Since you wife knows, and you were honest before you were married, and she married you anyway, maybe it is time to discuss your feelings with her---professional counciling MAY help---but the results are more up to you than to your councilor. One thing you can NOT do, is continue to just choke it all back--it is surfacing now, strongly, for a reason. Your mind and emotions are being brought to the surface, and struggling to get out. You have to find a way to deal with them, not suppress them, or they will explode in an ugly way--trust me on this,. I;ve seen it first hand, and everybody suffers from the resultant carnage. Make your peace, with whatever decision you make, and accept your CHOICE of what to do with your life. You have the right and responsibility to make those choices. The very best, and I wish you luck, and peace, in dealing with this difficult time in your life!
     
  8. fortiesfun

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    Dudepiston:

    I have been down your path, and have found some solutions that work for both me and my wife. Ours are unique to us, but here are some things I learned about working toward solutions that might help you.

    First, what you are is bisexual. You ought to find out more about that, since it is a widely misunderstood and relatively invisible phenomenon. Marjorie Garbor's excellent book BISEXUALITY is a great place to start. You fit the pattern of THE MOST COMMON kind of bisexual man: someone who has a long term commitment to an opposite sex partner, but has interests in same-sex explorations with almost no interest in those developing into a LTR, and not wanting to give up the married LTR. You are not only not alone, your situation is actually pretty common.

    Second, for many men in your situation, it is more important to be able to identify and acknowledge their sexuality than to act on it. (It is hiding, and feeling ashamed of, the homosexual identity that is wearing on you. Not getting off, after all, is not the problem.) You may find that ways to be homosocial go a long way toward resolving your immediate issues without upsetting the apple cart. The fact that your wife already knows you have a homosexual element in your make-up helps because you can more easily be honest with her. (If she fits the most common pattern of spouse, she secretly hopes that you have "outgrown" it, and will worry that there is something wrong with her that she is not "woman" enough to help you do so, but she ultimately wants you to be happy and fulfilled, and will come around to feeling unthreatened by it in the end.)

    Third, only you and your wife can say what choices there are that lie between "gay sex and solid fidelity," as you put it, but many couples find ground rules that allow them to work out their individual or combined bisexuality. Some wives are unthreatened by their husbands having active internet sex lives as long as no physical contact ensues in the real world. Some are okay with the latter as long as it is clear these are short-term flings, won't displace the home life, and are discrete. Some want to pick/approve the husband's choices. Others wish to remain completely in the dark. ("It is okay, but I don't want to know the details or even be aware it has happened.") The number one fear of most wives, as with the general public, is the health risks they believe they might be exposed to. Knowing that, you might reassure your wife immediately that your have not undertaken, or will undertake, unsafe practices no matter what other choices you make.

    My point is that couples can and do work this out all the time. Bisexual men find all sorts of ways to live their lives while still holding their married life together. It is not easy, but it can be done, and is done regularly. It is a myth that all wives immediately disapprove and divorce their husbands. (If, in the end, you decide that what you really are is gay, that involves some very different choices to be fair to yourself and your wife, but nothing you have said convinces me that is the case. You do not seem unhappy or nonfunctioning with her, but feel a need for some M2M in addition. That is bisexuality.)

    That much stated, here is the flip side: Bisexual men have far higher rates of depression that the average population, largely because they often live in fear that they can't share their reality with anyone. Get in touch with a good bisexual support group and start talking some of this stuff out. It is very hard to live in secrecy and fear. You can work it out.

    Best of luck. Keep us posted on your progress.
     
  9. amberleafbabe

    amberleafbabe Member

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    i went through this back in 2000.myex wife,and i had a great sex life,and we even got 2 great kids out of it.i have always know i was bisexual,and i as well was up front with her.the only good advice i can give you is that i think you need to sit down,and really think if you want to try to persue a relationship with a man.if you do then your marriage is not going to work.if you are happy with your wife.let her do you with a strap on.maybe that will ease your tension some what.whatever you do do not inveite anyone else into your bed many a male,because that will be the end of your marriage.we did and it ended our marriage.
     
  10. Lex

    Lex
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    fortiesfun -- I was hoping you would find this thread as I knew you would have some sage advice here (as you have with me). Thanks for writing such a thoughtful post.
     
  11. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    Lex,

    You couldn't be more correct, here. I also wanted to post that I really appreciated fortiesfun's post & reply to this topic. He has given me MUCH to consider, and his serious tone makes me feel good because I was thus taken seriously.

    I have known I was bisexual for years....like I mentioned, the wife knew this too but yeah, she's probably under the impression I've "outgrown" it....I don't think she'll be thinking she's not woman enough for me but who knows. We'll have to cross that bridge later! I have attempted to be 'homosocial' and that does work to a degree. However, it's *online* socializing, and while that's better than nothing I think a part of me longs for something in my "real life." It would not necessarily HAVE to be a sexual friendship, but a close friendship all the same. As was mentioned, me 'getting off' is not the issue =) I can handle that aspect of life myself or with my spouse....

    Again thanks to all who replied :)




     
  12. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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