Afraid of having friends

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by lafever, Mar 24, 2011.

  1. lafever

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    Does anyone else have this problem?(Making new friends.)
    When It comes to people wanting to be my friend I'm a coward. Yes, I admitted it, which is the first step I guess.
    Ok, now that I'm out of the problem how do I get into the solution?
    chris
     
  2. B_625girth

    B_625girth New Member

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    I'm not afraid to make new friends. I find that most friendships these days are pretty shallow. and maybe that's just a stage I'm going thru. I recently have been let down by some friends I have known for a couple years or so.
     
  3. helgaleena

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    Yes, it's known as social phobia. It can have big unconscious roots that are hard to shift. Therapy, and remembering your dreams can help.

    When you go to sleep, tell yourself you would like to work on this problem in your dreams.Have paper and pen handy to jot down whatever you can recall immediately on waking. The unconscious is a powerful reservoir of all sorts of personal power and transformation.

    Meanwhile, if you look as afraid as you feel, people will pick up on this and reflect your distrust back to you. The solution is to stay quiet and simply observe others, trying to find something about them that does not frighten you even in the scariest ones. Smiling silently at the silly things about others around you can help. It is a slow shift but it will take place. Gradually you will be comfortable in their presence and relax. They will then do the same. Actually exchanging pleasantries with strangers will come in its own time. No rush.
     
  4. Great_guy

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    i feel the same. Its like as if i have an aura around me that pushes people from talking to me? i don't know
     
  5. D_Hammond Happydipper

    D_Hammond Happydipper Account Disabled

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    I do but I am dealing with it.


    Poeple say I do not talk loud enough But I do have really good hearing . That is why I do not talk loud ,other wise it seems to me like I am yelling haha.


    I do not even need the TV volume up loud 3 out of 100 (max volume) is good enough at night

    in the day time 9 out of 100(max volume) is fine.
     
    #5 D_Hammond Happydipper, Mar 25, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2011
  6. helgaleena

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    Smile. Just get into the habit; make it your default expression. Also, admire others in your mind until it reflects in your expression.

    I know that my facial expression shows much more than I realize. Poker-face has never been possible for me. But the good side of that is that you can change the environment around you by having happy thoughts. They will leak out to everyone.
     
  7. hud01

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    you aren't talking to yourself, I hope, you are talking to others, so you need to practice and learn the level at which others can hear you in many different environments
     
  8. hud01

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    What are you afraid of?
     
  9. lafever

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    I guess losing them once I've become attached, but I think It goes deeper than that.
     
    #9 lafever, Mar 25, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2011
  10. blkbro510

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    Yeah I can understand that but for every friend you lose you probably gain one or two more. It happens sometimes one thing you got build is core friendships and then the all the others could be shallow with room to grow into something deeper some day and it usually work like that.


    However I suggest reading books like When Friendship hurts and Co-dependency no more



     
  11. AM_092

    AM_092 Guest

    I'm the opposite... I love making new friends!!
     
  12. citr

    citr New Member

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    I'm a social phobic; it used to be really really bad. I've been to therapy, but mostly to focus on not killing myself (the depression). Honestly drugs helped me with this a LOT. I was put on zoloft for the depression and incidentally it alleviated some of the social anxiety. By no means am I Mr. Smooth now or something, but I feel comfortable enough socially to just sort of let things happen or not happen. I don't really care if I come across as a shy oaf, and enough people like me as I awkwardly am to keep me feeling happy and loved.

    Maybe treatment would help you too. Maybe not. I used to chant mental refrains to myself to help me try and make friends. Stuff like "It's OK to be afraid, I'm normal, I'm going to give it a shot anyway," or whatever phrase helped me best work past my phobia at that time.

    Hope things get better. . . please keep checking in on-thread if it helps to talk w/ us about it!

    Also . . . think of what things make you feel truly "inspired" (as in filled with a sublime power greater than yourself) and try to work some of those activities into your daily routine. For me that was usually re-reading Emerson's essays and my favorite poems, as well as walking in the woods and stuff. Sometimes the socially phobic person can become isolated within themselves, if that makes sense; it's like the actual "you" becomes this infinitesimally small point bouncing loose within this incredibly capacious husk that is what others take to be "you," and a person can become lost in that. Going out of your way to do things that make you feel "whole," that make you feel like you're charging your batteries with some other much greater non-you energy, will oftentimes help you overcome those feelings of cowardice w/o you even noticing it. It might take a little time for you to find the stuff that works for you, but it'd be worth it. Maybe you like to paint? To stare at the stars? To swim? Try stuff out and see if something clicks.
     
    #12 citr, Mar 26, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2011
  13. D_Hammond Happydipper

    D_Hammond Happydipper Account Disabled

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    No I do not talk to my self. why would I lol.
    I just do not talk loud enough overall.
    I do not smile as I do not want to get lines on my face :p


    The worst thing about the social phobia for me was the adrenaline rush, but I figured out how to have complete control over that. Which is great because I can trigger a rush at will when ever I want to.Plus I am a lot less stressed out also. The funny thing is when family members try to come up behind me and try to scare me but that fail to do so. :p
     
    #13 D_Hammond Happydipper, Mar 26, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2011
  14. shadow28

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    I wonder sometimes whether the video-game generation we have turned into is less capable of having real relationships outside the online thing. I think we need to work harder to separate those things... While I have never had this problem, I have noticed it more and more frequently in others - people who simply don't know how to have a proper conversation.

    At the risk of sounding callous and simplistic, my advice is to have a few drinks. Any and all inhibitions can be loosened up that way.
     
  15. NCbear

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    I think the two can and should be separated: (1) making friends and (2) keeping friends. A lot of people make friends easily but don't keep up with them, so the relationships wither quickly.

    Regarding (1), I used to be the kind of person who'd sit in a corner and act like I didn't want anyone to come near, and then I'd bitch about how no one would approach me or make any friendly gestures in my direction. Through some counseling and some bluntly spoken but kindly meant "interventions" by people who were and wanted to continue to be my friends, I learned that I needed to appear more open to meeting people--and that my self-conscious, self-focused depressed state was more self-centered than depressed (meaning that if I focused on others, my depression largely went away; navel-gazing really isn't that interesting, and it keeps your thoughts turned inward). I'm not saying that you're self-centered, but I'm saying you could consider whether becoming interested in things outside yourself--and concerning yourself with things other than how people are perceiving you--might help you get over your self-consciousness and allow you to change your body language and your interactions so that others will know you're more open to meeting new people.

    Also, realize that some people aren't going to be your type, and you're not going to be theirs. And some are going to be blunt or even rude when they show that you're not their type (for friendship or anything else). Rejection is a part of life; it stings, sure, but remember: consider the source. Some people are incredibly (and swiftly) judgmental at first meeting someone else, summing the other person up based on looks, accent, apparent confidence levels, clothing, job, and so forth. Don't fall into that trap; instead, talk with a whole bunch of different people, and you'll find plenty who are similar enough to have points of commonality and different enough to be interesting over the long term.

    Regarding (2), you've got to decide what you want: 3000 acquaintances who have relatively shallow relationships with you, or 5-8 true friends who've known you for a while and whom you can count on for real support. Sure, those are the two extremes, but they illustrate a basic tension--quality or quantity? What do you want? More importantly, what do you need?

    Some people only have 1-2 true friends. That might make your dependence on their support a bit difficult for them and for you; what happens, for instance, if one of them falls in love with someone else and spends less time with you? Think about it.

    Some people have true friends in only certain areas of their lives. For example, you might have a coworker for 30 years who knows all about you as a fellow coworker but who's never been to your house. This compartmentalized set of "friends" might also be a bit limiting. You may want to think about meeting people with whom you can, over time, be honest and open about the majority of your life.

    Just a few thoughts, and keep your chin up. I'm sure you'll find your own way--one that works for you and for your friends, who'll value you for your own qualities.

    NCbear (who is thankful that others told me something like this when I was feeling some of these same feelings--and who knows that if you don't expect people to act a certain way toward you in response to your own actions, you'll often be pleasantly surprised)
     
    #15 NCbear, Mar 26, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2011
  16. hud01

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    You gain friends, you lose friends. You get a lover, you lose a lover. Some will stay, some will go. That is life.
     
  17. lafever

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    Going after my dreams, that's what pushes me now. As far as having dreams, they're filled with sex from woman I don't even know and I really don't want to mess that up, It's so real that I wake up hard like I just had sex for real.
    Core relationships sound great, It's usually just a matter of time when I first meet someone that I figure out what It is that they want from me, which the majority of the time is seeing what they can get.
    That puts me off more than the fear of losing someone I really care about.
    The book Friendship hurts sounds promissing, thanks for that bit of info..


    Thanks for the kind words, and yes, I read everyones input.
    Ok, hopefully I'm not putting a rope around my neck for others to pull on but who cares, I'ved learned to be thick skinned here on lpsg and not let others dictate or control my actions.
    Also, lpsg has really changed alot since I joined, the mods seem to have gone out of their way to make this site the best It can be.
    Anyways, after my second wife died in a car accident I traveled the country for six years and whenever someone would get close to me I would move on somewhere else.
    Towards the end of that journey I ended up losing it all. Thus I traveled on foot, starting with a bus ride from san franscisco to seattle washington.
    From there I traveled up and down along the 101 coast line on a mountain bike, camped out at mt. ranier, made it through the rockies to the glacier lakes.
    That's when I decided to go back to the living. Soon after returning to the south I met my current wife and now have a 5 month old daughter who drives me to do and be the best I can in life.
    At 40 years old I feel like my life has just started, so In a way I'm real sceptical of people because I have so much to lose now.
    By the way I still enjoy the outdoors and when my child is old enough and I have the finances I'm going to take my family and show them how beautifull the rockies are. Those mountains changed my life.

    I love a good mixed drink.

    Thanks, there is alot of truth in what you said, you've given me much to think about.
    Life on lifes terms, I never have gotten used to or like the bad in it.
    I guess it's required though so I can appreciate the good stuff, kinda like taking the good with the bad. I've heard It said more than a few times that acceptance Is the key.
     
    #17 lafever, Mar 26, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2011
  18. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

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    I wonder if the technology obsession is at least partially responsible for higher rates of autism. I've read that the rate for it in Silicon Valley is high.

     
  19. helgaleena

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    Just remember, the woman in your dreams is actually not going to show up! She's part of your own unconscious, and I'm happy that you are getting along with your unconscious so very well. :tongue: It's a good sign. Your dream girl will give you confidence.
     
  20. thestrangeness

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    i totally understand... i tend to b that way myself... im sure its deep seeded fear of rejection is my problem... ive gotten a lil better over the years but i still meet most my friends through other friends or social groups im in... ive never been good at makin friends on my own...
     
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