Afraid of having friends

lafever

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Just remember, the woman in your dreams is actually not going to show up! She's part of your own unconscious, and I'm happy that you are getting along with your unconscious so very well. :tongue: It's a good sign. Your dream girl will give you confidence.
Interesting, I have felt more confident lately, how do you know all this stuff?
i totally understand... i tend to b that way myself... im sure its deep seeded fear of rejection is my problem... ive gotten a lil better over the years but i still meet most my friends through other friends or social groups im in... ive never been good at makin friends on my own...
Thanks, It's good to know theirs others like me.:rolleyes:
 

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I think it's really hard for me to meet people outside of my group of friends and classmates but that's because I feel like I'm really different from most people, I'm really easy going so I ge along with everyone but 85% of the people I know aren't my "friends", just people I talk to occasionally, I'm really shy at first too and I hate being center of attention although I love being part of stuff I prefer the sidelines, where most of the real action and talented people are in my opinion.
 

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yeah its hard for me to poker face. I get nervous and want to leave as soon as someone trying talking to me. Then I start to think of what to talk about and it gets awkwardly quiet if i can't think of something to talk about. I don't know i've been quiet and shy since i was little. I don't know why. Does anyone have any suggestion on how to break my shyness.
 

NoH8

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I have really appreciated the genuine care and helpful suggestions in this thread. I suffer on and off from depression and shyness too. I wish you success in overcoming your challenges Lafever. Your story was very touching but I feel you are a brave man. I think your dream girl is trying to give you encouragement too.

For me it is quite hard to keep going, I'm older than you, but there is some benefit in trying to "Fake it till you make it". I mean, act like you deserve the kindness of the world and maybe the world will be kinder to you... I guess I don't know yet, I'm still working on this.
 

jasonunlv

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There is so much truth to what everyone is saying. It is so hard for me to meet and keep very close friends. I feel part of it is the reality of losing that friendship. When I was 12, my family moved across the country and I left my 3 closest and best friends. We did everything together. It was so hard to keep in touch, unlike today.

I was and still able to find friends, but they tend to fall apart before they reach the "brother" stage. When I went to college, I tried as many new experiences as I could to meet new people, but most of them only became very good social acquaintances.
 

ssa5522

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lafever. I just want to say I'm no expert, but I'm going to say what I'm thinking. I know it is a long post but I'd like you to read it please!

I can identify myself with so many of your threads, questions, thoughts. I've also lived with this fear of making new friends, but did you notice the title of this thread? It doesn't say, "Afraid of Making New Friends", it says "Having"... does that make any sense to you? Maybe you overlooked it, but writing that may have come from deep within you (the unconscious).
I have been feeling lonely for a long time, sometimes depressed, feeling kind of loveless, although I do have some people who REALLY care about me, I am sure I'm not alone.
Trying to analyze what you wrote: "afraid of HAVING friends", put me into thinking. Maybe that is what happens to me (maybe you too)....you see, I used to fantasize of going away and people wishing I would come back, or that I would get sick and people would be sad and at my side, caring for me at all times. Well, I just got to prove it... exactly four weeks ago I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... I got what I wanted, and really I did find out many people care about me, but I still felt empty because I don't really feel that "special" connection I want.
I think it has to do more with being afraid of having friends than making them, thus making it difficult to MAKE them, cheating yourself. You see, it might not make sense having a DESIRE for friends and being afraid of having friends, but no, I think the real fear is, being rejected. I've found in myself that when people try to talk to me, I walk away instantly with excuses or feel like I don't have anything to say, when in reality there is so much in my mind I would like to give and share, beautiful stuff I have in my mind that I'm not able to transmit to new people, because I tend to get shocked, paralyzed and unable to speak, feeling like a dork that doesn't say anything. I always feel nervous and have thoughts that the other person is thinking that I'm weird or really different or not worth it, when in reality, it is me having those thoughts about myself. You see? It is a vicious circle in which I do think that my thoughts are nice, lovable and would like to share them, but can't do it because I'm so insecure about myself, putting that insecurity into others, thinking they are rejecting me somehow.
You seem to be a person of the mind really, first you mention having sex with women in your dreams, and that makes you feel incredible, but then you deny wanting to think of other things because you prefer to live that in your mind. What if you lived it in real life? Don't stay in your comfort zone and start living it, putting your mind to rest and doing something about it instead. I'm telling you, I KNOW it is not easy. I've been there, done that, and I still feel the same as before. You say:

"Thanks, there is alot of truth in what you said, you've given me much to think about."

I feel that would have been my reply, and as I am doing now, I'm giving it so much thought, feeling that what I feel and think is logical, but in reality I'm living it all in my mind, instead of doing something about it.
Right now I'm in college, and after all the depressions what I least needed was to get sick. I failed for two semesters because I didn't go to class, falling asleep instead of going to school... mainly because I don't like to have to socialize AND I was sick, of course. Even though I can be in class, and sometimes talk to someone at my side, I get these feelings I don't like. I know exactly what MY real problem is, but I am too scared of letting it out: I don't love myself fully. On one side, my thyroid hormones have been imbalanced for so many years, making it difficult for me to have energy and/or confidence. I wish I had discovered this earlier in my life, since I am sure I didn't grow to my full potential... being short has always been a problem for me. Of course this is me attributing again something I don't like to something else, who knows this to be true? On the other side, I live in a society where being gay/bi is not a nice thing. The idea of coming out haunts me. I know my parents will LOVE me even if I am gay, straight, bi, cancerous or with AIDS, or any other thing that occurs to you, but I know for a fact that they hate the GAY lifestyle and how gay people act, so that puts me in a tight position. That being one of my main problems for not speaking up what I feel and think.
And if you believe in this stuff and put MORE thought into it, all energetic focused religions and practices mention illnesses related to different energy limitations. I mean, I don't SPEAK with new people, I don't SPEAK my thoughts, I don't EXPRESS my feelings, I feel I don't have a VOICE of my own when around new people... and I have Thyroid Cancer... coincidence? You tell me...
Anyway, I had my thyroid removed and tomorrow morning I will get my Radioactive Iodine dosage, leaving me isolated in the hospital for 4 days. I think I will have so much to think about, and planning on putting my thoughts into ACTION. I'm tired of thinking only. Hope you are well.
ssa
 

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Does anyone else have this problem?(Making new friends.)
When It comes to people wanting to be my friend I'm a coward. Yes, I admitted it, which is the first step I guess.
Ok, now that I'm out of the problem how do I get into the solution?
chris

I've been thinking about this post for a few days... I'm sure you were given some very sound advice however I must apologize that I have not read the thread.
For me it's not so much the issue of making new friends as I meet new people quite frequently but rather making real friends. Real friendship is something you can't buy, sell or order on line because it takes an equal part of shared interests and mutual respect of your differences.
I have many friends but only about a dozen good friends and only a handful of real friends; we are more precious to each other than anything we own individually or collectively.
I'm not speaking about you because I don't know you but I think being afraid of friendship might be not trusting yourself and/or others with the responsibility that real friendship deserves. To find real friendship I think you have to always be willing to step out of your comfort zone and pay the price emotionally that friendship requires.
 
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lafever

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lafever. I just want to say I'm no expert, but I'm going to say what I'm thinking. I know it is a long post but I'd like you to read it please!

I can identify myself with so many of your threads, questions, thoughts. I've also lived with this fear of making new friends, but did you notice the title of this thread? It doesn't say, "Afraid of Making New Friends", it says "Having"... does that make any sense to you? Maybe you overlooked it, but writing that may have come from deep within you (the unconscious).
I have been feeling lonely for a long time, sometimes depressed, feeling kind of loveless, although I do have some people who REALLY care about me, I am sure I'm not alone.
Trying to analyze what you wrote: "afraid of HAVING friends", put me into thinking. Maybe that is what happens to me (maybe you too)....you see, I used to fantasize of going away and people wishing I would come back, or that I would get sick and people would be sad and at my side, caring for me at all times. Well, I just got to prove it... exactly four weeks ago I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... I got what I wanted, and really I did find out many people care about me, but I still felt empty because I don't really feel that "special" connection I want.
I think it has to do more with being afraid of having friends than making them, thus making it difficult to MAKE them, cheating yourself. You see, it might not make sense having a DESIRE for friends and being afraid of having friends, but no, I think the real fear is, being rejected. I've found in myself that when people try to talk to me, I walk away instantly with excuses or feel like I don't have anything to say, when in reality there is so much in my mind I would like to give and share, beautiful stuff I have in my mind that I'm not able to transmit to new people, because I tend to get shocked, paralyzed and unable to speak, feeling like a dork that doesn't say anything. I always feel nervous and have thoughts that the other person is thinking that I'm weird or really different or not worth it, when in reality, it is me having those thoughts about myself. You see? It is a vicious circle in which I do think that my thoughts are nice, lovable and would like to share them, but can't do it because I'm so insecure about myself, putting that insecurity into others, thinking they are rejecting me somehow.
You seem to be a person of the mind really, first you mention having sex with women in your dreams, and that makes you feel incredible, but then you deny wanting to think of other things because you prefer to live that in your mind. What if you lived it in real life? Don't stay in your comfort zone and start living it, putting your mind to rest and doing something about it instead. I'm telling you, I KNOW it is not easy. I've been there, done that, and I still feel the same as before. You say:

"Thanks, there is alot of truth in what you said, you've given me much to think about."

I feel that would have been my reply, and as I am doing now, I'm giving it so much thought, feeling that what I feel and think is logical, but in reality I'm living it all in my mind, instead of doing something about it.
Right now I'm in college, and after all the depressions what I least needed was to get sick. I failed for two semesters because I didn't go to class, falling asleep instead of going to school... mainly because I don't like to have to socialize AND I was sick, of course. Even though I can be in class, and sometimes talk to someone at my side, I get these feelings I don't like. I know exactly what MY real problem is, but I am too scared of letting it out: I don't love myself fully. On one side, my thyroid hormones have been imbalanced for so many years, making it difficult for me to have energy and/or confidence. I wish I had discovered this earlier in my life, since I am sure I didn't grow to my full potential... being short has always been a problem for me. Of course this is me attributing again something I don't like to something else, who knows this to be true? On the other side, I live in a society where being gay/bi is not a nice thing. The idea of coming out haunts me. I know my parents will LOVE me even if I am gay, straight, bi, cancerous or with AIDS, or any other thing that occurs to you, but I know for a fact that they hate the GAY lifestyle and how gay people act, so that puts me in a tight position. That being one of my main problems for not speaking up what I feel and think.
And if you believe in this stuff and put MORE thought into it, all energetic focused religions and practices mention illnesses related to different energy limitations. I mean, I don't SPEAK with new people, I don't SPEAK my thoughts, I don't EXPRESS my feelings, I feel I don't have a VOICE of my own when around new people... and I have Thyroid Cancer... coincidence? You tell me...
Anyway, I had my thyroid removed and tomorrow morning I will get my Radioactive Iodine dosage, leaving me isolated in the hospital for 4 days. I think I will have so much to think about, and planning on putting my thoughts into ACTION. I'm tired of thinking only. Hope you are well.
ssa
Thanks for taking the time to post considering what's happening In your own life, that shows how caring and unselfish you are, I really like people like that.
People who are thinking about and placing others before themselves, It says alot about their character.
I've enjoyed your thoughts on the subject, I'm just sorry to hear about your health problem.
I will definately carry you In my heart and my thoughts for the next 4 days as I'm sure others here at lpsg will do the same, don't be supprized If you get a few pm's.
I hope all goes well with you In the hospital, that you have a speedy recovery and that your back doing things like getting that college degree.
You bring up many interesting points and Ideas about what could be going on, especially about having and making friends, I definately didn't see the correllation there.
In practice I can definately see now that by not making friends I don't have to worry about dealing with having them. It's so simple that I missed that, I have a problem sometimes with overanalyzing stuff Instead of looking at what's there right in front of me.
Also, you brought up fantasizing, I not sure I was doing that but I did wonder about things.
There was a time not too long ago, I'd say about 7 months ago that I wondered about if I died, would anyone care or show up at my funeral.
I'm not totally sure where that came from so I'm not going to speculate or try and figure It out this moment without giving It the proper attention I think It deserves.
Then there Is your thoughts on living In my mind and not reality, that makes alot of sense, there's no chance of being rejected, I definately need to give that some more thought.
Again, thanks for posting.
And know that If you take the time to write me a post, I'm going to take the time to read it.
Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter.
:smile:
 
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