lafever. I just want to say I'm no expert, but I'm going to say what I'm thinking. I know it is a long post but I'd like you to read it please!
I can identify myself with so many of your threads, questions, thoughts. I've also lived with this fear of making new friends, but did you notice the title of this thread? It doesn't say, "Afraid of Making New Friends", it says "Having"... does that make any sense to you? Maybe you overlooked it, but writing that may have come from deep within you (the unconscious).
I have been feeling lonely for a long time, sometimes depressed, feeling kind of loveless, although I do have some people who REALLY care about me, I am sure I'm not alone.
Trying to analyze what you wrote: "afraid of HAVING friends", put me into thinking. Maybe that is what happens to me (maybe you too)....you see, I used to fantasize of going away and people wishing I would come back, or that I would get sick and people would be sad and at my side, caring for me at all times. Well, I just got to prove it... exactly four weeks ago I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... I got what I wanted, and really I did find out many people care about me, but I still felt empty because I don't really feel that "special" connection I want.
I think it has to do more with being afraid of having friends than making them, thus making it difficult to MAKE them, cheating yourself. You see, it might not make sense having a DESIRE for friends and being afraid of having friends, but no, I think the real fear is, being rejected. I've found in myself that when people try to talk to me, I walk away instantly with excuses or feel like I don't have anything to say, when in reality there is so much in my mind I would like to give and share, beautiful stuff I have in my mind that I'm not able to transmit to new people, because I tend to get shocked, paralyzed and unable to speak, feeling like a dork that doesn't say anything. I always feel nervous and have thoughts that the other person is thinking that I'm weird or really different or not worth it, when in reality, it is me having those thoughts about myself. You see? It is a vicious circle in which I do think that my thoughts are nice, lovable and would like to share them, but can't do it because I'm so insecure about myself, putting that insecurity into others, thinking they are rejecting me somehow.
You seem to be a person of the mind really, first you mention having sex with women in your dreams, and that makes you feel incredible, but then you deny wanting to think of other things because you prefer to live that in your mind. What if you lived it in real life? Don't stay in your comfort zone and start living it, putting your mind to rest and doing something about it instead. I'm telling you, I KNOW it is not easy. I've been there, done that, and I still feel the same as before. You say:
"Thanks, there is alot of truth in what you said, you've given me much to think about."
I feel that would have been my reply, and as I am doing now, I'm giving it so much thought, feeling that what I feel and think is logical, but in reality I'm living it all in my mind, instead of doing something about it.
Right now I'm in college, and after all the depressions what I least needed was to get sick. I failed for two semesters because I didn't go to class, falling asleep instead of going to school... mainly because I don't like to have to socialize AND I was sick, of course. Even though I can be in class, and sometimes talk to someone at my side, I get these feelings I don't like. I know exactly what MY real problem is, but I am too scared of letting it out: I don't love myself fully. On one side, my thyroid hormones have been imbalanced for so many years, making it difficult for me to have energy and/or confidence. I wish I had discovered this earlier in my life, since I am sure I didn't grow to my full potential... being short has always been a problem for me. Of course this is me attributing again something I don't like to something else, who knows this to be true? On the other side, I live in a society where being gay/bi is not a nice thing. The idea of coming out haunts me. I know my parents will LOVE me even if I am gay, straight, bi, cancerous or with AIDS, or any other thing that occurs to you, but I know for a fact that they hate the GAY lifestyle and how gay people act, so that puts me in a tight position. That being one of my main problems for not speaking up what I feel and think.
And if you believe in this stuff and put MORE thought into it, all energetic focused religions and practices mention illnesses related to different energy limitations. I mean, I don't SPEAK with new people, I don't SPEAK my thoughts, I don't EXPRESS my feelings, I feel I don't have a VOICE of my own when around new people... and I have Thyroid Cancer... coincidence? You tell me...
Anyway, I had my thyroid removed and tomorrow morning I will get my Radioactive Iodine dosage, leaving me isolated in the hospital for 4 days. I think I will have so much to think about, and planning on putting my thoughts into ACTION. I'm tired of thinking only. Hope you are well.
ssa