Afraid of having sex?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dirtydutchman, Oct 23, 2008.

  1. dirtydutchman

    dirtydutchman New Member

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    Hey everyone,
    I would like any ideas, input, feedback, etc. you can offer with this.

    As my info says, I am in early twenties and live in the US now because of school. I grew up bi-continentally, to an American dad and a Dutch mother. I spent most of my early years, birth to preteens, in the US because my parents divorced soon after I was born and lived with my dad in Arkansas along with my 3 other brothers (yes 5 guys in one house!! lol). My two older brothers (9 and 7 years older than me) eventaully graduated high school and all that and went on their own ways. My dad was transfered jobs and left in a tough situation. He ended up moving with our yongest (half)brother to Oregon. Not wanting to burden anyone else in the family nor my collegiate brothers, my mother took me in. We had always been very close growing up and I would visit her a lot (I suspect I was her favourite ;) ). So I moved to the Netherlands with her and my "step-father" and lived ever since I started college in America, but go back to visit still.

    In Arkansas, I went to a southern Baptist church and its affiliate school. My family obviously wasn't religious or the pinicle of morality, but they said they wanted me and my younger brother to have a rounded education and structured up-bringing. Use your imagine now to my initial life --> small southern town, religious school, southern Baptist community, etc.
    Yet somehow, once I moved to the Netherlands I was never "blown away" by the inherent liberal attitudes. In fact, I pretty much loved it because it was more or less the exact opposite of everything I had known before. We lived about 25 mins. from Amsterdam, which is perhaps the epicenter of the "Dutch attitude." Talk about different lives!!! Within a day everything had completely changed. I was used to a place that didn't sell alcohol on Wednesdays or Sundays, everyone said "please and thank you, yes sir and no ma'am," and it was almost the worst thing you could do to damage your reputation in the community if your store carried adult magazines. 24 hours later I was in a place with virtually no drinking age, alcohol and drugs were accepted, stores not only carried but ADVERTIZED adult magazines, et al. and so on!
    As a teenager I guess I was your average Dutch guy. I drank, smoked, went to "shows", etc. By my teens I was definitely Dutch and had no connections or identifications with America. Despite participating and accepting the liberal culture, I don't think I ever truly shed my "southern boy" attitudes and beliefs.
    Growing up in America, I was very shy. In a house of 5 crazy men, I tried to avoid it all. I would just keep quite and do my chores unless otherwise needed. Family friends would always compliment about how well behaved and well mannered I was. The truth is, being quite and pouring myself into work was how I delt with my dissatisfaction of everything. My older two brothers were very popular in school. My oldest brother was prom king, BMOC, etc. and my older brother was the class clown and the guy everyone wanted to be friends with. I had to follow in their shoes but I was nothing like them. I was often teased and ridiculed by their friends (even though I'm sure it was in 'good fun') it always hurt me. I was short for my age, a bit pudgy, and just plain awkward.
    Fast foward through puberty and to the Netherlands and it was a completely different me. Though compeltely unaware of myself, it took years to gain any self respect or confidence. I became tall, lean, athletic, "pretty" features for a guy (so I've been told), my dick was praised and not ridiculed, etc. During my teens I dated a lot of girls and even had a couple semi "serious" relationships. My last two years before graduation I dated a girl, though we were on and off, everyone thought we would marry lol.
    When I talk to some of my close friends now about things, they just look at me like I'm totally insane - the fact is no one TRULY understands. When I mention how uncomfortable I am sometimes, they just laugh. Usually people say, "if I looked like you there would be no problems in my life," or "you should be lucky to have so many women beating down your door."
    When I first came to college, after a few weeks, I began to hear rumors that I was gay. Being slightly confused about this, I asked one of my best friends. He told me that people were "just talking" and not to worry, and I didn't, I was just not understand since there was nothing to give this news. He told me that people were speculating because I "dressed well, looked too pretty for a guy, had nice hair, was very nice..... oh yeah and never slept with the women I would hook up with." I started laughing and he just looked at me... then I asked, "wait, you don't beleive them, do you?" and he just looked at me and smiled and said he didn't know but it didn't matter.
    That's pretty much how things are. Truthfully, I'm a very sexual person and I love having my fun. But I have only had ACTUAL sex one time and it did some emotional/mental damage for quite some time. I go out places, meet someone, make out, fool around, but can never bring myself to have sex with them. Even people I get serioius with, I always find a way to end it before it would happen. It's not that I don't want to do it, but every time it were to happen.. I just start to freak out and think about what my dad would think, what would my former school and friends think, all these things.
    I really really hate and regret the fact my father ever sent me to that school when I was growing up. At times I feel I was brainwashed by them. Even though I don't now believe a lot of stuff they said (ie being gay is a sin), I still can't bring myself to get it freaking out of my head.
     
  2. JBisme

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    I am afraid for a different reason from you. [disease, even if I protected little josh] I read your story and I cannot imagine being raised like that. Open family/home and a sister I could talk to about anything............so different from you.

    I can imagine that you have overcome some of it at least to accecpt the 60-40% SPLIT
     
  3. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    Dutchman. Some people are more sensual than sexual. I've often been attracted to friends - friendship is a type of love, but not much sexually attracted to people I don't know - random hookups, that sort of thing. I have to care about someone or at least like them to feel sexual toward them.

    You sound completely normal to me. It's just portrayed that if you're not in bed by the second date there's something wrong with you. Most of my sexual experiences are masturbation or mutual masturbation, but there was a thread on here a while back that some people just aren't satisfied with sex that doesn't end with fucking. Each to his or her own. In my book, good masturbation is better than a bad hookup any day.
     
  4. Charles Finn

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    ok 41 now so I have to go back to being 14 in a small town and doing what i wanted to in 1981
    don't put so much effort into sex relax don't do what feels good just because it does.
    relax play safe and smart.
    you are only young once the key work to me I hear about college is exeperiment
    not just with others but yourself explore your body so that you can know how to please a lover when you get one.
    learn what feels good and what does not feel good to you.
    not just about sex but food books and such
    college is about fun and new things to see and do
     
  5. Charles Finn

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    play smart in whatever you do don't let fear stop you just go slow and think and you will be fine
     
  6. Principessa

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    dirtydutchman, your post makes me want to cry. Religion isn't supposed to be like that. :frown1: No wonder so many young people become atheists. I'm not condemning the Baptist church as many religions, or rather the preachers in them, spout the same hurtful junk.
     
  7. dirtydutchman

    dirtydutchman New Member

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    Just wanted to clear some things up between the posts and messages I'm getting:

    The issue isn't between hetero, gay, bi, or whatever else you might label. The issue is when it actually comes to intercourse. I'm find with masturbation, head, etc., just when it comes to intercourse it's like this huge bridge of emotion or thoughts I have to break down. And between that and the actual situation I just end up not going through with it.

    As a result, I have this reputation for being "fun to mess around with", or being a "good guy." Women tell all their friends that they can trust me, I won't take advantage of them. It's a good thing to be known for I guess. But it's really annoying going out to parties or clubs, then being apporached by a group of people and them sending a completely oblitered girl home with me because they know I will take care of her and I won't do anything to her. If girls spend the night with me and word gets around, people will joke around "oh how long were you up with her?!" or "ohh I bet she was some good poon." I just let these things go, because there's no reason for me to go around telling people I don't fuck them. If you were to take a survey about me, you would get a 50-50 split response probably. Half the people would think I'm the biggest slut and wildest person based on how much I go out, the different people I hook up with, my popularity, looks, etc. But then the other half would think I'm prudeish and would never do anything like that.

    The truth of the matter is - it's not that I don't want to have sex with people or can't do it. I've been in the heat of the moment many times and just cop out for those reason I have mentioned before. I usually just apologize and make up some excuse about being too tired, or not feeling well, etc. but I still make sure it's not a waste for them ;)
     
  8. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    You are so right, njqt466, 'Religion isn't supposed to be like that." And, it would be correct to say that most religions are not like that, at least not the way those who belong to religious groups in this country see things. The key in most cases is the way in which a person appropriates religious traditions and teachings for him or her self. I grew up in a very conservative religious tradition, but my parents and also the teachers and the pastor of our church made it very clear that our minds had to be engaged in the process of making the faith our own. In short: the individual learner like his teachers must approach the task with a humility which recognizes that no one person, and certainly no one religious group, can have the last word on how one is to conduct one's life activities. There are just some things which one has to decide on one's own.

    Loving others as one loves oneself is a guideline that is sufficiently general so that loving in its sexual dimension has to make room for wide variation. One can love and do good for a great many other persons without being involved in a sexual way with them. But, some persons become friends to such a degree that these persons need to find ways to express their feelings sexuallly. Whether that other person is of the same or opposite sex ought not to be a limiting factor. We know it is possible for a man and a woman to express love sexually, but we know too that it is possible for same sex couples to express their love sexually. It is the love that ought to be the focus and not the gender of the loved one.

    I would hope that dirtydutchman will give himself permission to reach out to love, including loving sexually, whether the person he bonds in friendship and love with is a male or female.

     
  9. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    Inderdaad niet leuk als zoiets gebeurd. Je moet precies altijd voldoen aan al de verwachtingen die mensen hebben van je, maar je weet zelf dat dat niet gaat, maar toch doe je best. Heel ambetand allemaal. Ik denk dat daar nog niet zoveel aan te doen is totdat je iemand ontmoet waar je je 100% op je gemak bij voelt en merkt dat sex geen schande of zo is, maar echt liefde bedrijven is. In je school hebben ze je remmingen omtrent sex gegeven, maar wat je moet inzien is dat sex niet alleen sex is, maar dat het eigenlijk de liefde bedrijven is in bepaalde gevallen en ik denk dat jij dat moet zoeken om je meer zelfvertrouwen te geven.

    Succes
     
  10. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    Okay, what's wrong with that?
     
  11. dirtydutchman

    dirtydutchman New Member

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    Nothing. That's why after that I said there was nothing wrong with it. I wouldn't want to be known as the opposite.

    But I am saying that because of whatever reason, not being able to follow through or carry out the action, it kind of becomes a burden.
     
  12. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    A burden of what, unwanted pregnancies, STDs? Take all that crap with a grain of salt. Everybody likes sex, but sexual intercourse is overrated.
     
  13. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    Yes, dxjnorto, "sexual intercourse is overrated" probably because it is only the tinsel and firecracker aspect of sex that is being rated. When two persons bond in friendship and love they search out ways to express their regard for each other. The sex which follows has a way of cementing the bond that already exists between them and the experience stirs emotion and thinking. Such sex is transforming; the two know each other in a new way and emerge as changed persons. That is the beauty of sexual love, but it rests on the firm foundation of a loving relationship. Casual sex never approaches this level.
     
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