Hey everyone, I would like any ideas, input, feedback, etc. you can offer with this. As my info says, I am in early twenties and live in the US now because of school. I grew up bi-continentally, to an American dad and a Dutch mother. I spent most of my early years, birth to preteens, in the US because my parents divorced soon after I was born and lived with my dad in Arkansas along with my 3 other brothers (yes 5 guys in one house!! lol). My two older brothers (9 and 7 years older than me) eventaully graduated high school and all that and went on their own ways. My dad was transfered jobs and left in a tough situation. He ended up moving with our yongest (half)brother to Oregon. Not wanting to burden anyone else in the family nor my collegiate brothers, my mother took me in. We had always been very close growing up and I would visit her a lot (I suspect I was her favourite ). So I moved to the Netherlands with her and my "step-father" and lived ever since I started college in America, but go back to visit still. In Arkansas, I went to a southern Baptist church and its affiliate school. My family obviously wasn't religious or the pinicle of morality, but they said they wanted me and my younger brother to have a rounded education and structured up-bringing. Use your imagine now to my initial life --> small southern town, religious school, southern Baptist community, etc. Yet somehow, once I moved to the Netherlands I was never "blown away" by the inherent liberal attitudes. In fact, I pretty much loved it because it was more or less the exact opposite of everything I had known before. We lived about 25 mins. from Amsterdam, which is perhaps the epicenter of the "Dutch attitude." Talk about different lives!!! Within a day everything had completely changed. I was used to a place that didn't sell alcohol on Wednesdays or Sundays, everyone said "please and thank you, yes sir and no ma'am," and it was almost the worst thing you could do to damage your reputation in the community if your store carried adult magazines. 24 hours later I was in a place with virtually no drinking age, alcohol and drugs were accepted, stores not only carried but ADVERTIZED adult magazines, et al. and so on! As a teenager I guess I was your average Dutch guy. I drank, smoked, went to "shows", etc. By my teens I was definitely Dutch and had no connections or identifications with America. Despite participating and accepting the liberal culture, I don't think I ever truly shed my "southern boy" attitudes and beliefs. Growing up in America, I was very shy. In a house of 5 crazy men, I tried to avoid it all. I would just keep quite and do my chores unless otherwise needed. Family friends would always compliment about how well behaved and well mannered I was. The truth is, being quite and pouring myself into work was how I delt with my dissatisfaction of everything. My older two brothers were very popular in school. My oldest brother was prom king, BMOC, etc. and my older brother was the class clown and the guy everyone wanted to be friends with. I had to follow in their shoes but I was nothing like them. I was often teased and ridiculed by their friends (even though I'm sure it was in 'good fun') it always hurt me. I was short for my age, a bit pudgy, and just plain awkward. Fast foward through puberty and to the Netherlands and it was a completely different me. Though compeltely unaware of myself, it took years to gain any self respect or confidence. I became tall, lean, athletic, "pretty" features for a guy (so I've been told), my dick was praised and not ridiculed, etc. During my teens I dated a lot of girls and even had a couple semi "serious" relationships. My last two years before graduation I dated a girl, though we were on and off, everyone thought we would marry lol. When I talk to some of my close friends now about things, they just look at me like I'm totally insane - the fact is no one TRULY understands. When I mention how uncomfortable I am sometimes, they just laugh. Usually people say, "if I looked like you there would be no problems in my life," or "you should be lucky to have so many women beating down your door." When I first came to college, after a few weeks, I began to hear rumors that I was gay. Being slightly confused about this, I asked one of my best friends. He told me that people were "just talking" and not to worry, and I didn't, I was just not understand since there was nothing to give this news. He told me that people were speculating because I "dressed well, looked too pretty for a guy, had nice hair, was very nice..... oh yeah and never slept with the women I would hook up with." I started laughing and he just looked at me... then I asked, "wait, you don't beleive them, do you?" and he just looked at me and smiled and said he didn't know but it didn't matter. That's pretty much how things are. Truthfully, I'm a very sexual person and I love having my fun. But I have only had ACTUAL sex one time and it did some emotional/mental damage for quite some time. I go out places, meet someone, make out, fool around, but can never bring myself to have sex with them. Even people I get serioius with, I always find a way to end it before it would happen. It's not that I don't want to do it, but every time it were to happen.. I just start to freak out and think about what my dad would think, what would my former school and friends think, all these things. I really really hate and regret the fact my father ever sent me to that school when I was growing up. At times I feel I was brainwashed by them. Even though I don't now believe a lot of stuff they said (ie being gay is a sin), I still can't bring myself to get it freaking out of my head.