(Again) Coming Out

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Lex, Jun 7, 2006.

  1. Lex

    Lex
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    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    Part 1: June 5, 2006
    I awoke this morning with a queasy, uneasy feeling after a wonderful weekend in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. More then ever before I had such a hard time leaving this magical place where my orientation mattered as much as my bald head. I had been chatting with two good friends on BMB and they had unknowingly helped me realize and muster the strength to do what I knew needed to be done.

    So, I picked up the phone and called my Mom (as we don't see each other much having been estranged from for many years and we had recently begun to try to reconnect) and tried to get to the point--I told her I was feeling sad and overwhelmed (crying by this point) and she told me to remember that we had made a pact when I was younger that I could tell her anything.

    And so after more crying and hesitation and assurances that I was not dying, I told her I was gay.

    Her response: "Okay! Is that all? Baby, my love for you is unconditional and everlasting. Now, if anything, I know that I will have to love you more since the world will forsake you and treat you even more differently that is already does."

    We chatted some more in between my bawling and (tenuous) laughing. She told me (in response to my saying how hard it is/has been) that I "should just be myself and be a good person because that is all she ever wanted of me--what's so hard about that?" WOW. So hard and yet so easy.

    I am also hopeful that this will be the beginning of something new and deeper for my mother and I. I have talked to her 4-5 times since then (I couldn't tell you the last time that was the case). She said it was so good to "hear you smile" through the phone. There were always "little signs" she said. I feel not a bit unlike a adopted child that is (re)learning his history from the first time, this time from the outside on. Amazing.

    It was emotionally charged, bizarre and surreal all at once. I had been dreading this day for a long time now and I am both relieved and renewed with anxiety all at once. That it went so well with her both surprised and soothed me. The emotions are still very raw with me and the world seems just a little bit different today and my shoulders feel just a little bit lighter.

    I hope it goes half as well with my dad and step-mom. Fingers crossed.

    Mrs. Lex
    My wife is the most amazing person you have never met. Hands down. Were it not for her insight, acceptance and love I would have probably left this place a long time ago. She is my partner, my compliment, my binary star. As these issues have emerged she has both challenged me to and supported while I faced them. Actually, WE have faced them together.

    On the subject of coming out (since it affects her too), she is extremely supportive and behind me all the way. God love her. She told me the most amazing thing (as we have spoken about my emerging understanding of myself).

    She said: "You were a caterpillar. And carterpillars crawl on the ground and eat leaves. And now you've gone into your cocoon and are emerging as a butterfly. The essence of you is the same, and it's taken a different form. And butterflies don't eat leaves--the drink from flowers. So now, it is no surprise that you now like flowers more than leaves."

    So, she is determined to walk this path with me in life and for that I am grateful. She's a keeper in every sense of the word.

    To all those here who support me without knowing it: Thank you. This place has been a Godsend me for in a variety of ways.

    I put this here not to show off or tell anyone what to do. I think each of us will know when the time is right for you.

    I hope that someone somewhere is helped by my story (as always).
     
  2. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

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    Wow! Very moving story, Lex.

    It’s wonderful how much more mothers understand than we realize.

    You "should just be yourself and be a good person”? She’s already a very successful mother on that count, as many on the board would attest.

    And then you're twice blessed. Your wife sounds like a jewel. You could not ordain a more helpful and supportive wife. She’s almost from a film script, she’s so perfect a match to what you need now. (And it sounds like she would say the same about you as a spouse; her best is coming out with you, obviously.)

    Very inspirational story. I thank you for your honesty and humanity.
     
  3. Steve26

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    Lex -- Congratulations on this momentous move. It took tremendous courage and I'm glad it went much better than you had expected!

    Steve :grouphug:
     
  4. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    the pain behind your eyes
    Lex, you accomplished something that very few families have done. You've strengthened your relationship with your parents and no one thinks any less of you for your decisions.

    Congrats there, bro.
    And great story too.
     
  5. B_Stronzo

    B_Stronzo New Member

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    Lex,

    Your story cannot but have helped several already. It's the very nature (as you point out) of what makes this board so unique - in my opinion especially for the gay males in our ranks.

    To address your personal coup I say an unbridled: Congratulations!!

    You and I share one very cool thing- mothers who "get" us with no self-imposed preconceptions of their notion of us. We're lucky in that.

    I agree, too, that in the midst of a very unkind and categorical society the LPSG board provides to those who wish to avail themselves of it an oasis of understanding and connection with many posters who I feel are simply more evolved on Mr. Darwin's ladder than the mainstream society. I'm grateful too for the forum and the few good connections I've made here. Additionally, I'm grateful for those dissenting opinions because I gain perspective and insight that would be otherwise unavailable in day-to-day life since here every "lets their hair down". It's a unique source of candor in that regard.

    Board re-inforcement helps concrete my commitment to who and what I am and my conviction that we must pursue equality on every level of this society. To that end Lex you personally have been a pilar of strength and unbiased fortitude. Thanks.

    Big hug to you Lex!

    R.
     
  6. Irvy

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    :D That's a great thing, Lex. I remember the rollercoaster of emotions it was coming out to my parents. They're very strict christians, very much into the whole "no sex before marriage" and count anything stronger than "deary me" as swearing.

    Like your mum, mine told me that i was her son, and that's all that mattered, and they'd love me no matter what.

    They also told me that they knew, instinctively, that there had been something I was hiding from them, and that had upset them. It didn't matter to them what I was hiding, it was the fact I felt I had to hide them that they didn't like.

    So often, we think we know our parents completely, and then they go and surprise us.
     
  7. DC_DEEP

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    You have crested another mountain, my friend. Your story has a few similarities to mine. My mom was a devout christian, but when I came out to her, she took it better than just about anyone else. I'll chat with you more about it in IM (or in person, once you come down here to dinner...) Big Bear Hugs to you!
     
  8. Matthew

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    You already know what I think, Lex. :wink:

    But let me add that I'm continually impressed by your stories of your wife. What a unique and wonderful human being. I'm glad to know that you have someone with you who truly is a match for all of your beautiful qualities. I would say you're lucky, but I don't think you can really call it luck if it's something you deserve. It gives me a little faith in this world to know about your relationship with her.
     
  9. D_Sheffield Thongbynder

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    I'm overwhelmed by your generous sharing of such intimate moments in your life. While it may have been cathartic for you, it will definitely help many others in their journeys, too.
     
  10. Freddie53

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    Lex,

    You know how much I love you and how much you have helped me. I didn't know until now that your parents didn't know.

    I am proud of you for making this major step. I know it is a burden lifted. Like Stronzo, I get a lot of strength here.

    You all know the inner Freddie better than my family or friends. And I see this in so many people here: Lex and Stronzo in particular. Though I'm sure it is true for others as well.

    This is such a wonderful site.

    Again, Lex my love for you just increases with each day.

    I need to point out to the board that Lex and I have been buddies here a while. The love I mention is the Godlike and brother like love that we should all share.

    There is a bond there between Lex and I that is just special.

    Lex you have the highest level of character that there is: A wonderful person.

    May God be with you as you tell other family members and face what you will need to face. And your wife is absolutely a wonderful woman.

    Spread the love.
     
  11. Lex

    Lex
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    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    Thanks to everyone who has responded here or via PM. Really. I know that it may sound disingenuous and cliche' but it really does mean a lot to me--you guys are awesome.

    I share my stories because I grew up without the shared stories of others to lean on. I have found that, for me, the best way to live is with transparency (on the far side of honesty) and try to stand as an (uncomfortable) example for others whether I want to or not. I never much pictured myself as either a role model or a leader and yet--here I am--exposing my wounds in the hopes that it will give someone else the courage to face their own fears.

    This is so much more than a site about male anatomy and these are the kinds of moments when we are all reminded of such.

    I have decided to let some of the dust settle from telling my mom before I speak to my dad. He is unemotive, rather repressed, suffers from depression (I have theories) and will probably take this very hard as he will see it as a failure of his own parenting, which it isn't--I was born different and he and my mom always saw it, whether they wanted to or not.

    I know that, in the end, this is about me and I could be "selfish" and just tell him anyway. Not right now. I am feeling that, given the abandonment issues I have with both he and my mom (I was raised by my greatgrandmother), that *I* may not be in the best place right now to deal with his inability to deal. So, I want to make sure that I have the strength needed to face his weakness in the face of my truth. Does that make sense?

    Again--thanks to you all.

    BIG misty-eyed HUG.
     
  12. rawbone8

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    You are loved by those who matter, and that love is unconditional. You are blessed in apparently unexpected ways, which should help a lot as you forge the future.

    Good for you man! Best wishes.
     
  13. findfirefox

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    It takes alot of bravery to come out to your family members, and I'm very proud of you for doing so.

    I know that your wife must be amazing to be so supportive and I'm glad that your mom is also being very supportive, and I only hope that coming clean to your father goes just as well.
     
  14. B_Spladle

    B_Spladle New Member

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    Lex,

    You rock at life.

    Admiringly,
    Chase
     
  15. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    You're so fortunate you got to do it yourself. My Grandmother outed me to my parents. I hadn't come out to her, she just figured it out (hot guys coming by the house all the time). She told my mother I was screwing all of them which wasn't true. I'm happy your mother took it so well. Someone once said "mothers always know".
     
  16. D_Herin_Ghan

    D_Herin_Ghan Account Disabled

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    Lex,

    Glad to hear that your Mom is so understanding, and it's great to hear that you are starting a relationship with her again. You deserve your wife as well, a wonderful woman for a great guy.

    The fact that you have it out in the open with her took a lot of guts, and I admire your courage. My deepest congratulations.
     
  17. chicagosam

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    Thank you for that beautiful and powerful story. As always, Lex, you are an inspiration to so many here. You were so supportive of me when I posted a difficult story about my past. I have come to greatly admire your strength, your intelligence, your humor, your "old soul" wisdom, and your compassion. How could your Mother not accept and be proud of you?—She helped create the exceptional human being that you have become. You have been blessed by two wonderful women in your life. You have been blessed by many wonderful people here who love you. You've had a wonderful day!
     
  18. GoneA

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    Lex, I like the way you view the world. Sort of like Alice and her life through the looking glass.

    Nevertheless, I know your anecdote will help a lot of people on this board (and people to come). Your story is one of personal courage and strength ... indeed a story for the displaced people of the world.
     
  19. just me

    just me New Member

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    WOW! You knocked my socks off... good for you, for everything but most especially for being blessed with such great love... very few will get to where you are and have been... fewer will ever know it.
     
  20. Lex

    Lex
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    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    Thanks for the thoughts and energy gang. This is tough shit--REALLY tough shit. I can't and won't lie--the mornings are especially tough. I still awaken with lots of anxiety and an uneasy feeling and sometimes cry just a bit (or a lot, actually).


    I keep trying to figure out if I am sad, afraid, happy, or what when those moments come and I am content now to just FEEL them. I had no idea this would be such an explosively emotion place in my story.

    I said it out loud and can't control where it goes from here. Everyday I get closer to being okay with that. Eventually, I expect it not to matter (to me at least).

    I have fought this battle of learning to love myself my whole lifeand I decided that I can't say I fully love myself if I am hiding from the people who claim to love me the most.

    Again--you guys are great.
     
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