My first thought was to just confront him--but I have not. I have to remember that his oissues with my irentation as just that--his. It's not easy though. I am prone to being a vindictive bastard and he is pushing my limits, especially given our own torrid hsitory.
He's the one missing out, when all is said and done, rather than you. And it
must be hurting him and eating away at him inside (on some unspoken level, at least), knowing what he's consciously doing to reject you. Of course, I'm sure he's projecting a lot of his anxieties -
not least, the irrational 'shame' of having produced a gay child - onto you, rather than seeing his shortcomings as his alone. But if ever anyone wanted to see 'denial' take on a concrete form, then sadly, they need look no further than at what he's doing... literally 'repressing' your relationship out of existence so that he doesn't have to deal with it.
I hope that the future might bring some changes... because at some point, he
has to address things. But it may well take time, especially if homophobic thinking is deeply entrenched within him. As you know, it took three years for my parents to resume contact with me, although that wasn't specifically/exclusively over sexuality-related matters. What I'm saying really is... that this may well take more than a while to fix; of course, I hope that the New Year may bring the changes you'd like in starting to see the relationship mended... but realistically, it may take longer. Be sure of this, though: time flies past us all, and every day he misses getting in touch with you, is another opportunity for greater life-fulfilment that
he's missed out on.
I will take the kids over to his house to see him and my stepmom for Christmas dinner. I have no idea if he will speak to me or not. I am only going for my kids sake. My great- and grandparents raised me and I want my kids to have some kind of relationship with he and my mom, even if they failed in regards to their relationships with me.
I think it goes without saying that everyone at LPSG is going to be thinking of you, and hoping that a degree of normalcy can be retained -
even if it's only superficial on that day - which might lead onto better things again soon.
Ultimately, you have Mrs. Lex and the kids, and a life that you are a darn sight happier in than ever you could have been if you'd lived a lie in the closet. And while we all may lose a few friends or family members over 'coming out', the love of those who remain seems only more intense and special.
Our circles of friends and our families are
NOT about how many people they comprise, but rather about the
strength of love, respect, and happiness which we share within them....
and even if that means we go through life with only a single other person at our side.
He said "I don't accept it, but you are my cousin." Ouch.
"I don't need you to accept anything. The people who can respect me and my life can be a part of it--and those that can not--can't."
Yeah, 'ouch' indeed... but... at least one could argue that he's willing to try to stay in contact with you, rather than simply obliterating the reality of your existence within the family from his life. It ain't much, I'll concede, but it offers more of a starting point to build on than your father's outright denial does right now.
Kinda sucks to have family calling you and badgering you about your life--no one seemed to care where I was or what I was doing 6 months ago. But I will push through all this to greater places ahead.
Families - and perhaps, people in general - are great at saying nothing so long as the 'status quo' is maintained, and only finding time to comment when their simple little view of the world is challenged for a second. BUT.. as you know, pushing ahead and being true to oneself
is the only way, or else we end up locked back in a closet... a confining, miniature version of the world within which we have been imprisoned by someone else's keys.
I am sorry to bring anyone down--but a fellow poster told me how valuable he feels my sharing always is. So I thought I would update you on the past two months.
Why should anyone be brought down by the underlying strength and assuredness which runs throughout what you typed? With that kind of power driving you on, you can achieve whatever you want to ... even when the tasks at hand initially seem insurmountable. Just look at how dang much you've achieved already.
That having been said, anyone with a brain will realize how heavily all this must be weighing on you, especially at this time of the year when we are all supposed to be ludicrously, unquestioningly cheery. But again, keep in mind how many people you have supporting you on endless levels, both offline (most importantly) and also online. Truly, I hope that some of these burdens grow less irksome for you in 2007;
even though the realist in me still feels the need to add that the path to full wondrousness may yet take a while longer than that to walk along.
Do enjoy Christmas and New Year to the greatest extent that you can --- I'm sure that'll be just plenty, anyway; just as I can tell that this was your plan already. :smile: