(Again) Coming Out

[Freddie53]

Lex,

I am sorry about your dad. You have my number. Call me if you need me.

I know that you are over 30 now. You don't need a parent anymore. But everyone would like a dad in their life as long as possible.

I can't change your dad. I can offer to be and remain a father figure to you when you need it.

Too old to be your lover. Damn.

You know I love you and admire you.

You have my approval as doing the best you can do to be a loving Son. There doesn't seem to be anything else you can do except forgive. It won't do a thing for your dad. It will release you to live though. And that is important for you

 

[Lex]

6 Months Later

How do you say goodbye to your oldest, dearest friend?

I'm not so sure.

Mrs. Lex and the kids moved out today. But we'll get back to that.

It's been a long time and today seemed as good a day as any to bring the few that care up to speed.

Happy Holidays

The holidays of 2007 were the best I have had in a long time. Instead of traveling here and there, we decided to stay at home and enjoy each other's company.

For Thanksgiving we had a house full of people. My mom, her BF, Bubba, the kids, Mrs. Lex, her GF Chas, and their friend Alexis. Bubba mostly cooked (with assists from me and Mrs. Lex) and a fun time was had by all. Food was delicious--turkey, ham, cornbread, greens, blondies, mac and cheese, etc. It was nice to have this part of my family together with none of the drama.

For Christmas, the scene repeated itself sans my mom and her BF. For the first time in 10 years, we would stay at home for Christmas and open gifts. The kids got to see their Nani the day after. Christmas was a bit bitter-sweet as I knew it would be the last one with us all living under one roof. Still, it was an amazing time.

For New Year's Eve, Bubba and I were invited over to a former neighbor's where we (and 3 straight couples) toasted in the new year with good food (everyone made a dish), great wine and Wii. Fuck, is the Boogie game HARD!!

Saying GoodBye to Grandma

Just before Christmas I got a call at work that my grandmother (father's mom) was sick and in the hospital. She had been there for a week and no one called me as they assumed my dad would have. Obviously, someone(s) have not been paying attention. Grandma was happy to see me (I rushed there from work) and worked hard on getting home. She spent a few weeks in a rehabilitation facility to gain some strength and was SO excited to go back home (She lived with my aunt). She came home early in January and died 20 minutes after being home. I am sure she simply did not want to go home in either the hospital or the nursing home.

Those who know me know how important my greatgrandmother (maternal) and grandmother (paternal) were to me. They were best friends before my parents met and helped to raise me. When my cousin called me to tell me she was being rushed back to the hospital, I knew she was gone. Sure enough, she was gone before I was 5 minutes down the road.

My dad had left by the time I got there, so I went in the room along with my cousins to see her--truly a surreal site. During the remainder of the week--I endured the many speeches from my aunts and uncles about reaching out to my dad. I knew it would be heavy on everyone's minds as my grandmother had tasked many people with trying to get my dad to "Act right."

We did hug a few times during this sad week and he did mention that he wants to "talk." I am open to talking and hope that he can come around, if only for the sake of his grandkids who are turning into the cutest dancer and soccer player you ever want to see. Time will tell. I know that, should the day come that he is able to meet me halfway, no one will be smiling wider than my greatgrandmother and grandma. I am sure they are in the next plane just talking and laughing and shining down on me and mine, even now.

The Day After

It's been two days since I buried grandma and now I bury something else: some of the remnants of my marriage to Mrs. Lex. She got a new job and, with no time off for 6 months, had been planning to move over the King Holiday.

From the beginning, she insisted on moving as we live in the burbs and she is a total city girl. Being from Brooklyn will do that to you! So, over the course of the last 4 months, she has been searching for a house in Balmer. She found one and I really liked the neighborhood. The kids loved the house two--I think they are more excited about all this than are any of the adults. They see it as more stuff--two sets of bedrooms, two homes, etc. I am glad kids have such joy in the wake of what can be so sad for the adults involved.

Mrs. Lex (I need to think of a new moniker, don't I?) had been slowly moving things here and there, but now it was time for the big haul. Bubba and I made 2 trips with my SUV packed to the hilt and we all made the final trek just about an hour ago. So weird to look around my house and see things gone and hear no kid noise--I am not sure I am going to get used to that.

So, after the last boxes were brought into the house, I hugged both kids. and she hugged Bubba. Then she looked and me and we both started bawling.

And that is when I thought: How do you say goodbye to your oldest, dearest friend?

I wasn't sure. So I didn't.

I just hugged her as hard as I could and told her "I love you. Thanks for being my friend" and cried all the way home.

She told me she loved me too.

I have known her since the day we both started college at age 17. She is the most amazing person and friend anyone could ever have. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but this I know to be true: My life is better for having met, known and married her. She helped me find myself, as amazing, fulfilling and painful as it has sometimes been.

I wish everyone I knew got to meet her. Then they would know what selflessness was really all about. I'll miss her constant happy demeanor and her critical eye. But mostly, I'll miss one of the best friends I have ever had.

 

[snoozan]

Once I stop tearing up and compose myself, I'll have something more sensible to say. But, if nothing else, I want to say my heart is with you through all of this. You're a wonderful person, and an inspiration.

 

[naughty]

6 Months Later

How do you say goodbye to your oldest, dearest friend?

I'm not so sure.

Mrs. Lex and the kids moved out today. But we'll get back to that.

It's been a long time and today seemed as good a day as any to bring the few that care up to speed.

Happy Holidays

The holidays of 2007 were the best I have had in a long time. Instead of traveling here and there, we decided to stay at home and enjoy each other's company.

For Thanksgiving we had a house full of people. My mom, her BF, Bubba, the kids, Mrs. Lex, her GF Chas, and their friend Alexis. Bubba mostly cooked (with assists from me and Mrs. Lex) and a fun time was had by all. Food was delicious--turkey, ham, cornbread, greens, blondies, mac and cheese, etc. It was nice to have this part of my family together with none of the drama.

For Christmas, the scene repeated itself sans my mom and her BF. For the first time in 10 years, we would stay at home for Christmas and open gifts. The kids got to see their Nani the day after. Christmas was a bit bitter-sweet as I knew it would be the last one with us all living under one roof. Still, it was an amazing time.

For New Year's Eve, Bubba and I were invited over to a former neighbor's where we (and 3 straight couples) toasted in the new year with good food (everyone made a dish), great wine and Wii. Fuck, is the Boogie game HARD!!

Saying GoodBye to Grandma

Just before Christmas I got a call at work that my grandmother (father's mom) was sick and in the hospital. She had been there for a week and no one called me as they assumed my dad would have. Obviously, someone(s) have not been paying attention. Grandma was happy to see me (I rushed there from work) and worked hard on getting home. She spent a few weeks in a rehabilitation facility to gain some strength and was SO excited to go back home (She lived with my aunt). She came home early in January and died 20 minutes after being home. I am sure she simply did not want to go home in either the hospital or the nursing home.

Those who know me know how important my greatgrandmother (maternal) and grandmother (paternal) were to me. They were best friends before my parents met and helped to raise me. When my cousin called me to tell me she was being rushed back to the hospital, I knew she was gone. Sure enough, she was gone before I was 5 minutes down the road.

My dad had left by the time I got there, so I went in the room along with my cousins to see her--truly a surreal site. During the remainder of the week--I endured the many speeches from my aunts and uncles about reaching out to my dad. I knew it would be heavy on everyone's minds as my grandmother had tasked many people with trying to get my dad to "Act right."

We did hug a few times during this sad week and he did mention that he wants to "talk." I am open to talking and hope that he can come around, if only for the sake of his grandkids who are turning into the cutest dancer and soccer player you ever want to see. Time will tell. I know that, should the day come that he is able to meet me halfway, no one will be smiling wider than my greatgrandmother and grandma. I am sure they are in the next plane just talking and laughing and shining down on me and mine, even now.

The Day After

It's been two days since I buried grandma and now I bury something else: some of the remnants of my marriage to Mrs. Lex. She got a new job and, with no time off for 6 months, had been planning to move over the King Holiday.

From the beginning, she insisted on moving as we live in the burbs and she is a total city girl. Being from Brooklyn will do that to you! So, over the course of the last 4 months, she has been searching for a house in Balmer. She found one and I really liked the neighborhood. The kids loved the house two--I think they are more excited about all this than are any of the adults. They see it as more stuff--two sets of bedrooms, two homes, etc. I am glad kids have such joy in the wake of what can be so sad for the adults involved.

Mrs. Lex (I need to think of a new moniker, don't I?) had been slowly moving things here and there, but now it was time for the big haul. Bubba and I made 2 trips with my SUV packed to the hilt and we all made the final trek just about an hour ago. So weird to look around my house and see things gone and hear no kid noise--I am not sure I am going to get used to that.

So, after the last boxes were brought into the house, I hugged both kids. and she hugged Bubba. Then she looked and me and we both started bawling.

And that is when I thought: How do you say goodbye to your oldest, dearest friend?

I wasn't sure. So I didn't.

I just hugged her as hard as I could and told her "I love you. Thanks for being my friend" and cried all the way home.

She told me she loved me too.

I have known her since the day we both started college at age 17. She is the most amazing person and friend anyone could ever have. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but this I know to be true: My life is better for having met, known and married her. She helped me find myself, as amazing, fulfilling and painful as it has sometimes been.

I wish everyone I knew got to meet her. Then they would know what selflessness was really all about. I'll miss her constant happy demeanor and her critical eye. But mostly, I'll miss one of the best friends I have ever had.

Wow! That is an amazing range of life experiences in such a short time. I do wish you the best in your continued journey. I am amazed that you can do this in such a civil and loving way. What a great story.

 

[Osiris]

I know what Snoozan feels like. I am all choked up myself. I know I often complaing about the "kid kaos" in my house, but I would lose my mind if I didn't hear it now.

All I can say Lex is there is strength and then there is strength. Atlas would surely shrug under all you have experienced and still you managed to maintain your positivity, grace, and style.

I truly admire that about you.

Once again, thank you for this very personal window into your world.

 

[B_Think_Kink]

Oh goodness Lex. I'm crying. I guess maybe it is ideal to think that you are not saying goodbye to her. She isn't leaving your life for good. Friends forever till the end of time, till death due you part was in your vows. Friends, lovers whatever. You are still best friends.

 

[tripod]

Wow, I feel like I just sat through a truly tear jerking and ultimately enlightening movie! I think I grew as a person just reading that well written but extremely emotional post! Here's to the future Lex, and don't be afraid... it looks like all is unfolding as it supposed to! I will dare to say that you are definitely on the right track! Cheers!!!

Lex, you also have my sincerest condolences to losing your precious Grandmother and saying goodbye to one of the biggest parts of you!
BIG HUGS!!!! :tongue:

 

[DC_DEEP]

Thanks for the update, Lex. It was good to see you & Bubba Saturday evening. I'm glad we got the chance to scream at each other over all the other din!:biggrin1:

Man, the last 8 months sure have been tough on me and a lot of my friends. 5 dads and a grandmother is a lot of grief and loss. We've talked about it a few times, and I know that your grandmother was more like a mother to you, so I know what you are having to process right now.

Although she's now moved, there's no reason you have to consider Mrs Lex "gone." I do still want to meet her, and the invitation for you to bring her out here for a visit sometime is still open (just remember, as I'm sure you do, that my house is not really "kid-friendly.)

Love ya!

 

[simcha]

Lex,

You are a sweet, and beautiful person. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. What a transformation you are continuing to experience!

 

[Principessa]

Oh Lex, my heart weeps for you right now. Please accept my most sincere condolences on the loss of your grandmother.

Wow, I didn't realize you and Mrs. Lex had known each other so long! I can't imagine how it felt to move her and her belongings out of your home. I think I would have cried all day especially saying good bye to your bambinos. I know they are still close, but it's like the end of an era. At least Bubba is there to help you close one chapter and start a new one. I have no doubt your futures will be bright.

 

[B_jeffy7]

Part 1: June 5, 2006
I awoke this morning with a queasy, uneasy feeling after a wonderful weekend in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. More then ever before I had such a hard time leaving this magical place where my orientation mattered as much as my bald head. I had been chatting with two good friends on BMB and they had unknowingly helped me realize and muster the strength to do what I knew needed to be done.

So, I picked up the phone and called my Mom (as we don't see each other much having been estranged from for many years and we had recently begun to try to reconnect) and tried to get to the point--I told her I was feeling sad and overwhelmed (crying by this point) and she told me to remember that we had made a pact when I was younger that I could tell her anything.

And so after more crying and hesitation and assurances that I was not dying, I told her I was gay.

Her response: "Okay! Is that all? Baby, my love for you is unconditional and everlasting. Now, if anything, I know that I will have to love you more since the world will forsake you and treat you even more differently that is already does."

We chatted some more in between my bawling and (tenuous) laughing. She told me (in response to my saying how hard it is/has been) that I "should just be myself and be a good person because that is all she ever wanted of me--what's so hard about that?" WOW. So hard and yet so easy.

I am also hopeful that this will be the beginning of something new and deeper for my mother and I. I have talked to her 4-5 times since then (I couldn't tell you the last time that was the case). She said it was so good to "hear you smile" through the phone. There were always "little signs" she said. I feel not a bit unlike a adopted child that is (re)learning his history from the first time, this time from the outside on. Amazing.

It was emotionally charged, bizarre and surreal all at once. I had been dreading this day for a long time now and I am both relieved and renewed with anxiety all at once. That it went so well with her both surprised and soothed me. The emotions are still very raw with me and the world seems just a little bit different today and my shoulders feel just a little bit lighter.

I hope it goes half as well with my dad and step-mom. Fingers crossed.

Mrs. Lex
My wife is the most amazing person you have never met. Hands down. Were it not for her insight, acceptance and love I would have probably left this place a long time ago. She is my partner, my compliment, my binary star. As these issues have emerged she has both challenged me to and supported while I faced them. Actually, WE have faced them together.

On the subject of coming out (since it affects her too), she is extremely supportive and behind me all the way. God love her. She told me the most amazing thing (as we have spoken about my emerging understanding of myself).

She said: "You were a caterpillar. And carterpillars crawl on the ground and eat leaves. And now you've gone into your cocoon and are emerging as a butterfly. The essence of you is the same, and it's taken a different form. And butterflies don't eat leaves--the drink from flowers. So now, it is no surprise that you now like flowers more than leaves."

So, she is determined to walk this path with me in life and for that I am grateful. She's a keeper in every sense of the word.

To all those here who support me without knowing it: Thank you. This place has been a Godsend me for in a variety of ways.

I put this here not to show off or tell anyone what to do. I think each of us will know when the time is right for you.

I hope that someone somewhere is helped by my story (as always).

Coming out is a HUGE step, i took it many years ago, and of course my "wonderfull" mother was less than supportive. Oh well, my live goes on and it has been great being at one with myself. Congrats on coming out.

 

[yogo]

Lex, glad that you are now able to live your life, with your understand Mother, and wife beside you. A big step, has been taken, not everyone will agree with your decision, but it's your life and you should live it how you want and enjoy it to the full.

Congratulation man, Really pleased for you, where else can you pour your heart out but this fantastic place LPSG..

We're all here for you man

 

[Lex]

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support--as I have always said--this is what LPSG is really about. It's why so many are so wrapped up in the site in various ways. I am going to single a few people out for direct comments, but please know (And I am sure you do know) that I have kind words for each of you.

DC DEEP--seeing your guys in Saturday night was such a needed break for me--from all the sadness and sense of loss. It is always nice to get a respite from the things that sometimes bring us down.

Naughty--thanks--after reading many divorce horror stories and watching enough talk shows on broken relationships to make your head spin, you can really start to believe that the only way to break up is to do so painfully and with spite. I wish that all adults were able to part in a positive way. DC DEEP and Tawse once told me over dinner "If you can't be someone's ex, then you should not be with them." I am glad to say that I don't have that worry.

Snoozan-I am SO glad I have gotten to know you better and I hope you and I get a chance to hang out more.

Simcha--thanks to my newest gay bear brother! WOOOF!

Think_Kink -- I miss us on MSN. Thanks babe.

Tripod- you had no idea what you were in for when you asked for an update, did you?

Osiris-- you know how much I respect what you have brought to LPSG. Thanks for being here to post with.

Today was up and down and I had some moments at work. Yeah--my eyes are sore from crying. I am sorry that my post made you all sad-- but I am glad that you are here to listen/read.

Mrs. Lex sent the following email to me today. Yeah, I cried at my desk after reading it (and every time I read it).

I just wanted to say the things that I couldn't say yesterday because it
was such a difficult moment.

I hope you know that I'll always be here for you.

I heard this song in a movie once, and it really sums up how I feel:

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

 

[Osiris]

Thank YOU Lex. Now on top of coughing my head off from a severe case of bronchitis, I am once again moved to tears. You are truly a blessed man for Ms. Lex being in your life.

Most men after a divorce are glad to see the end of their wife. You on the other hand are glad to see her still around. Though odd your situation may sound, it should be a rule for how to remain friends post divorce.

I wish my folks had. They both went to their respective rests regretting what they didn't say or do for the other.

That will never happen to you my friend.

 

[DaveyR]

Reading your updates Lex is a mixture of sadness and and joy. I feel for you with the deep hurt your are experiencing but at the same time it is good to hear about the good things in your life.

You are blessed with the wonderful people around you.

Writing everything here will have been a great help to a lot of people facing their own trials. I applaud you for that because none of it can have been easy.

Good luck with everything in the future.

 

[DC_DEEP]

I'm glad that I am among those who know that you are even more beautiful inside than out (and you are so beautiful on the outside!:evil

You know where to come if you need some positive space and affirmation. We are here for you.

 

[typhu31]

Lex,

As time passes wounds heal and as time sits still wounds irritate. Time will heal babe and i owe you 50,000 hugs once i see you again i believe in februrary. I love ya man and you are my best friend. To see your heart in disarray bothers me. I feel for you and know that as a strong individual and one that is much loved by so many that you will always prevail. After all isn't your screen name after a superhero... I rest my case babe. All my hugs and always all my support..... typhu (david)

 

[typhu31]

Ok but now that all this emotional stuff is out and about... i believe it is time for hugs and tugs.... WOOOOOOOOOF lex ... hehehehehe i hope that made you smile babe

 

[SandraSmithCarver]

Part 1: June 5, 2006
I awoke this morning with a queasy, uneasy feeling after a wonderful weekend in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. More then ever before I had such a hard time leaving this magical place where my orientation mattered as much as my bald head. I had been chatting with two good friends on BMB and they had unknowingly helped me realize and muster the strength to do what I knew needed to be done.

So, I picked up the phone and called my Mom (as we don't see each other much having been estranged from for many years and we had recently begun to try to reconnect) and tried to get to the point--I told her I was feeling sad and overwhelmed (crying by this point) and she told me to remember that we had made a pact when I was younger that I could tell her anything.

And so after more crying and hesitation and assurances that I was not dying, I told her I was gay.

Her response: "Okay! Is that all? Baby, my love for you is unconditional and everlasting. Now, if anything, I know that I will have to love you more since the world will forsake you and treat you even more differently that is already does."

We chatted some more in between my bawling and (tenuous) laughing. She told me (in response to my saying how hard it is/has been) that I "should just be myself and be a good person because that is all she ever wanted of me--what's so hard about that?" WOW. So hard and yet so easy.

I am also hopeful that this will be the beginning of something new and deeper for my mother and I. I have talked to her 4-5 times since then (I couldn't tell you the last time that was the case). She said it was so good to "hear you smile" through the phone. There were always "little signs" she said. I feel not a bit unlike a adopted child that is (re)learning his history from the first time, this time from the outside on. Amazing.

It was emotionally charged, bizarre and surreal all at once. I had been dreading this day for a long time now and I am both relieved and renewed with anxiety all at once. That it went so well with her both surprised and soothed me. The emotions are still very raw with me and the world seems just a little bit different today and my shoulders feel just a little bit lighter.

I hope it goes half as well with my dad and step-mom. Fingers crossed.

Mrs. Lex
My wife is the most amazing person you have never met. Hands down. Were it not for her insight, acceptance and love I would have probably left this place a long time ago. She is my partner, my compliment, my binary star. As these issues have emerged she has both challenged me to and supported while I faced them. Actually, WE have faced them together.

On the subject of coming out (since it affects her too), she is extremely supportive and behind me all the way. God love her. She told me the most amazing thing (as we have spoken about my emerging understanding of myself).

She said: "You were a caterpillar. And carterpillars crawl on the ground and eat leaves. And now you've gone into your cocoon and are emerging as a butterfly. The essence of you is the same, and it's taken a different form. And butterflies don't eat leaves--the drink from flowers. So now, it is no surprise that you now like flowers more than leaves."

So, she is determined to walk this path with me in life and for that I am grateful. She's a keeper in every sense of the word.

To all those here who support me without knowing it: Thank you. This place has been a Godsend me for in a variety of ways.

I put this here not to show off or tell anyone what to do. I think each of us will know when the time is right for you.

I hope that someone somewhere is helped by my story (as always).

WOW that is AMAZING!!!!!

Thank you for sharing it