Aggressor or Wallflower?

[2322]

I put no. I am not the aggressor, and I always wait for someone to approach me. I've been this way my whole life, and have never asked a guy out on a date, or told a guy that I'm interested in him.

This has caused me problems my whole life, and is causing me problems currently with a guy I've had a crush on for months. *sigh*

The problem is... if he was a member on LPSG, and opted to take this little poll, I think his answer would be the same as mine.

Friends can be a big help with giving you confidence to make a move. There any place that you see him where your friends could help give you a bit of a push to make a move?

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

Friends can be a big help with giving you confidence to make a move. There any place that you see him where your friends could help give you a bit of a push to make a move?

Well, he's a waiter at the bar I go to on Saturday nights... I flirt with him a bit, and he flirts back, but I'm wondering if he thinks it's just friendly flirting. Also, I don't want to flirt TOO much, because I'm not just looking to get laid... I want to actually get involved with him, go on dates, etc.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Go for it... you have nothing to lose....
Just get yourself infront of him on some pretext, give him the opportunity to chat/help/advise and get it going!!!

Life is too short to waste opportunities!! :wink:

I know, I keep trying to tell myself this, but it's not that easy. In my mind, I'd rather have a crush on a guy and never tell him, than to risk getting rejected. Sad, eh?

 

[hypoc8]

Wallflower here too, although I'm trying to come out of my shell.

 

[guiltrip]

I'm usually the agressor but I saw a cute girl today and she would not even give me the change to talk. I heard her voice change and saw her nipples get hard in less than a minute. Me and my friend cant even remember her name, and he said that he had seen her before but couldnt remember her.

 

[sjprep06]

I'm shy and have a fear of rejection. I always wait for the other person to make the first move. :redface:

Edited to fit my needs :biggrin1: But yea, over the years my confidence level has been shot to hell: being overweight, being afraid of making an ass out of myself, being afraid of being talked about, etc. The only times we're I'm really outgoing and friendly are when I'm really tired (I'm a lot of fun and completely random then) and if I know I'm not going to see those people again. If I know that I'm going to see a person somewhat regularly, then I am much more reserved. Now, I'm even reserved on forums simply because of a few bad experiences from other places...

I'm trying not to be a wallflower but when I'm surrounded by a large group of people, I immediately 'lock up'...

 

[earllogjam]

Aggressor?

Perhaps earl is just kidding but I'm still puzzled and bit discouraged when I hear the act of meeting someone new as smacking of aggression. Its almost as if the event is seen as a potential crime.

Yeah, Aggressor - it does connote that you are an 8 tentacled operator of sorts. lol. Maybe "Initiator" would have been more accurate. I should have changed one of the responses to read "I USUALLY make the first move" as few of us always do.

Ha!! I am there with you!
I think the name 'aggressor' kind of threw me a bit...

I have given this more thought over a liquid lunch.
I certainly don't see myself as an aggressor, but in everything I do, I do see myself as one who makes things happen.... so I perhaps am more or a manipulator which makes circumstances seem that the other is making the first move.... except I've already made it......

I kinda see myself as you do. I was a wallflower for a while but it just got boring and I found out lots of guys who were attacted to me never acted on it because they were waiting for ME to make the first move. So now I muster all my courage and make the first move. What the hell? Attractive guys out of my league still intimidate the hell out of me and I hesitate a lot before approaching them. But what's the worst thing that could happen other than being rejected? And believe me it happens a lot but I have learned to swallow my ego to the point that it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Being a wallflower was really not working for me because I am flirt blind for the most part and I was tired of leaving places with the feeling of being unworthy and undesirable.

I think there is an art to approaching people without loosing face or making it seem like you are overtly coming on to them. There is also an art to couch rejection and make it easier for the initiators not to feel like fools.

Wallflowers suffer silent desperation while initiators risk public rejection and buised egos. No wonder there are so many lonely people in America these days. Was courtship easier back in the ol' days?

 

[got_lost]

Being a wallflower was really not working for me because I am flirt blind for the most part and I was tired of leaving places with the feeling of being unworthy and undesirable.

I think there is an art to approaching people without loosing face or making it seem like you are overtly coming on to them. There is also an art to couch rejection and make it easier for the initiators not to feel like fools.

Wallflowers suffer silent desperation while initiators risk public rejection and buised egos. No wonder there are so many lonely people in America these days. Was courtship easier back in the ol' days?

You are so right!!
I think either way you can end up leaving feeling 'unworthy and undesirable' but at least you gave it a go if you make a move.
I'd rather know that I gave it a chance rather than never did anything at all.

Trouble is, I can be the life and soul in a group of friends (or strangers) but as soon as there is someone there that I really like I become ineloquant and downright daft!!

And I don't think it was ever 'easy', but there were more 'rules' before. Now the lines have become much more blurred... and hence nobody knows who's supposed to be doing what!!

 

[earllogjam]

You are so right!!
I think either way you can end up leaving feeling 'unworthy and undesirable' but at least you gave it a go if you make a move.
I'd rather know that I gave it a chance rather than never did anything at all.

Trouble is, I can be the life and soul in a group of friends (or strangers) but as soon as there is someone there that I really like I become ineloquant and downright daft!!

And I don't think it was ever 'easy', but there were more 'rules' before. Now the lines have become much more blurred... and hence nobody knows who's supposed to be doing what!!

You know funny you should mention getting tongue tied with people you are attracted to. I purposely avoided them and when I was younger. I would be cold and unresponsive to them. It was my psycho self rejecting them before they rejected me. So glad I out grew my adolescence.

I think the old days women had to resort to be wallflowers and didn't have much choice. I'm not sure much has changed actually. I still think women have a harder time approaching guys as it is not the norm. They risk being percieved as "promiscuous."

 

[got_lost]

I think the old days women had to resort to be wallflowers and didn't have much choice. I'm not sure much has changed actually. I still think women have a harder time approaching guys as it is not the norm. They risk being percieved as "promiscuous."

I think you are probably right.... but when you consider how many of the guys have admitted to being wallflowers in your poll, you wonder, in that case, how ever any of us get it on!!

Oh wait.... are most of us looking for partners?!?! :biggrin1:
hmmmm....

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

It's about half and half for me but you didn't put that option. I've never worried about being the initiator, if we sit around waiting we could miss a lot of great opportunities, not just when it comes to the opposite sex but in our work life and with friends.

 

[earllogjam]

I've never worried about being the initiator, if we sit around waiting we could miss a lot of great opportunities, not just when it comes to the opposite sex but in our work life and with friends.

Ain't that the truth.

 

[lafever]

I do both, as no two situatiations are alike i just go with the flow and do whatever feels natural.
If the chemistry is there i`ll know it right away.

lafever

 

[2322]

Well, he's a waiter at the bar I go to on Saturday nights... I flirt with him a bit, and he flirts back, but I'm wondering if he thinks it's just friendly flirting. Also, I don't want to flirt TOO much, because I'm not just looking to get laid... I want to actually get involved with him, go on dates, etc.

That's why you should ask him for a date, not, "So what are you doing after work?" If it's a bar then have ONE drink to get a little loose, bring a friend or two to a) Tell you you look fabulous and b) Give you some flanking support. A wingman is always good and make sure you tell them why they're there. No cockblocking! If you find out he's available, they can help you celebrate. If you find out he isn't, they can buy you another drink and commiserate.

Ultimately, you have to tell yourself that at worst he'll say no and, if he does, then you're no worse off than you are now. Whether he says no or you never ask him, you still can't have him. But you'll never know if he will say yes if you never ask. I think any person is wise to accept at least one date with someone who finds them interesting. You never know who you will find and first impressions can be misleading.

I know, I keep trying to tell myself this, but it's not that easy. In my mind, I'd rather have a crush on a guy and never tell him, than to risk getting rejected. Sad, eh?

I see we have the same problem. If it's just a crush then it will fade in time. If it's something more meaningful then you just have to act. I am struggling with the same thing and it is very hard. Despite that, I now know that I will go ahead and ask because it's not fair to myself to hang fire for what may happen. The same is true for you. You owe it to yourself so you can move on even though it may be very painful. You have a lot to offer a good man yet there is no way, save through what he already knows of you, to convince him you're worth the effort beyond asking him to give you the opportunity.

 

[2322]

Wallflowers suffer silent desperation while initiators risk public rejection and buised egos. No wonder there are so many lonely people in America these days. Was courtship easier back in the ol' days?

Absolutely yes it was! Adults and parents either arranged marriages or social programs where there were very definite rules of engagement. Just look at all those Jane Austen stories. A guy wants to dance with a girl, he goes to pay his respects to her elder aunt or chaperon and then she arranges to have the girl add him to her dance card. There were all sorts of socially acceptable ways to gain introductions. There were also more subtle forms of rejection. When youth became a culture unto itself all that ceased and unless you had a friend of a friend, you had to do all the work yourself.

 

[SpeedoGuy]

I think there is an art to approaching people without loosing face or making it seem like you are overtly coming on to them. There is also an art to couch rejection and make it easier for the initiators not to feel like fools.

I think its an art as well. Like foil fencing, understood quickly but requiring years to master.

Wallflowers suffer silent desperation while initiators risk public rejection and buised egos. No wonder there are so many lonely people in America these days. Was courtship easier back in the ol' days?

I found neither role suited me well. Being a wallflower was about as interesting as watching paint dry. But being an initiator resulted in an oft-bruised ego, much more so than I ever anticipated I spent years alone as a result and sometimes I still feel alone.

Was meeting easier in the past? I can't answer but I suspect so. It certainly appears that social convention regarding introductions and conversation was more rigidly defined in the past (with all the benefits and drawbacks that entailed).

Just my guess.

 

[Mr. Snakey]

Im the Aggressor in that i can strike up a conversation with a total stranger. People say they feel relaxed around me.........