Alright, actually need advice...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by krazedpirate, Jan 11, 2010.

  1. krazedpirate

    krazedpirate Member

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    So I have never posted on here aside from random comments on some other stuff, but I'm faced with a situation that I'd be interested on hearing other people's opinions on.

    So for the last year and a half I've had a string of bad luck, falling into like/seriously crushing on 8 straight girls, only to find out after I have started crushing that they have boyfriends... Shit sucks.

    Anyhow, I have finally met a girl who I have worked on multiple film sets with and she is now living with my friend (not living with, just living in the same house with multiple other people). I like her a lot, and we've gone on a series of mini date kinda things where we really hit it off and there is obvious chemistry, but on our most recent outing we were talking and she commented on how she has lots of guy friends that when she thinks about aren't actually friends, they are all just pretending to be friends with her to sleep with her, even though she doesn't sleep with any of them. And there is my deal, I can't say I don't want to, because I obviously do, but I also don't want it to be a fuck buddy thing, I would want it to be part of a more serious relationship. Not sure where to progress from here, I guess. Most likely not going to act on anything said here, because I'm largely a pussy when it comes to being upfront with a girl, but I'm interested to hear everyone's opinions.

    P.S. Sorry for rambling a bit, been mulling it over in my head for the past few days, but another problem is that since she lives in the same house as my best friend whose place I go over to all the time, I don't want it to become a weird situation if things didn't work out so I wouldn't be able to go over there or my friend put in a bad situation. Ok, thats all, thanks :biggrin1:
     
  2. bigtwin

    bigtwin Member

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    pirate, i think you've got some clues to your problem right in your own post. first you say there is chemistry with this girl and she says she doesn't want to sleep around.

    i'm thinking you should be doing more of what you're doing now. take her on some mini dates, maybe progress to a few longer dates. show interest in her, in her life and above all be a good listener. also share your life and interests with her and let her know you enjoy spending time with her. see how things progress...don't push too hard.
     
  3. Kotchanski

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    You should be honest, and tell her that you're friends with her because you like her as a person and like spending time with her. Tell her that you would like to build on your friendship and maybe develop it into a relationship, but not at the cost of your friendship.
     
  4. hung

    Gold Member

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    You have received all the advice you need. Be real and live up to your own value standards and things will proceed well. If not, this one is not for you.

    I wish you well and by the way, enjoy life, each and every day.
     
  5. krazedpirate

    krazedpirate Member

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    Thanks everyone, I was kinda thinking all of that already, but its nice to hear other people agree.
     
  6. helgaleena

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    :arms: wise words here.
     
  7. Wish-4-8

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    Rent the movie, "When Harry met Sally..." and watch it together. It makes for very interesting conversation afterwards.

    Basically, it points out the men and women cannot be friends, basically for the reasons she stated. Now whether you agree or disagree, it should be an interesting conversation between the two of you. It is interesting to get the female perspective. Besides, you guys are just friends, right? Friends watch movies together, right?
     
  8. krazedpirate

    krazedpirate Member

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    Ha, right, we do watch movies together, but I think that there are guys who purposely avoid trying to become friends while pretending to be friends and then skip out on all socialization after the sex. And I guess thats what separates a relationship from a fuck buddy situation
     
  9. SpeedoMike

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    it's ok to have a bad night. as soon as possible suggest something she might like to do. don't think you struck out until she makes it clear.
     
  10. krazedpirate

    krazedpirate Member

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    Alright so things have progressed interestingly and I am not completely lost. Since we both work on camera crew whenever we go on shoots, we recently spent a week in Arizona together (with many other people) we had a very professional work relationship during that time, with the exception of a few close and prolonged hugs on late days. Last night she went out to a party to which she asked if I would pick her up. I, being a total sucker and willing to do anything for her, went and picked her up and two of her friend who we dropped off at a bar. She thanked me by kissing me, and then later that night informed me she cared about me more than any other guy. Then of course come the mixed signals with her cuddling up next to my friend who she is roommates with instead of me when we are all in bed watching a movie (ignore that part of the statement, this is not an unusual thing as their tv is in another roommates room), and says she feels guilty for taking advantage of me.

    Sorry for the rambling I'm super confused, any commentary would be appreciated.
     
  11. helgaleena

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    Yup, she is taking advantage of you and even admitting it. If you enjoy being her doormat, keep on doing it. Doormats have some value, after all. But the girl is a user who is not about to get serious with anyone, letalone you.

    It depends on whether you are willing to get use from her in return. It sounds like you need to be equally frank with her about what you'd like from her. And see if she says yes to those things. She might!
     
  12. krazedpirate

    krazedpirate Member

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    Did not, things went to shit, oh well, strike out number 800
     
  13. AlphaSpartan

    AlphaSpartan New Member

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    There's very little chance you'll win her back now that she's conquered you; it would take lots of experience to dig your way back on top at this point.

    For future reference: a woman who is constantly around men and used to being hit on will have a hundred psychological walls built around her for protection. If you feel there is definite chemistry tell her up front "We need (NOT: I want) to hang out more and do something more interesting (making her think you're just another guy who wants sex). I need to make one thing clear though. [pause to make her ask 'what?'] If we're going to be in a relationship we can't have sex for at least [a few] months (tearing down the wall-o'-sexual neediness [and stick to those months or you'll likely lose her])." So long as you're making the calls she'll see you as superior - women like that mustn't see you as just another suitor.

    I don't usually hand out relationship advice to men but I think your avatar kicks ass.
     
  14. goodwood

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    krazedpirate -
    have you told her that you could be interested in a relationship with her? and asked her if she could imgaine being in a relationship with you - flat out talked about how you feel with her?
    unless or until you let her know where your mind is and what you are thinking, there really can't be any kind of solid closure to the whole thing since it has only been you crushing on her and her not knowing it.
    if you tell her that you LIKE her like her and she isn't into that, then there you go. you have been mature and done what you need to do so you can now know what to do next.
    and if you talk about it with her and who knows? she just might appreciate you being up front with her and give it a shot.
    i know its nerve wracking to have a crush on someone and all of the variables - working together, her living with your friend et. al.
    but yeah - you are not doing yourself any good by wondering "what if?" and not doing anything about it.
    good luck and keep us posted.
     
  15. lopo2000

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    Try to be transparent, what makes her feel resistant is the fact that the other guys want to sleep with her but act like they are some random machos who want to be her friends...I believe she'd appreciate it if you state that pf course you like sex, but you'd like it more if you can do it when things feel special, so to feel that ask for her permission to have a more serious and longer date...
     
  16. petite

    petite New Member

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    As a woman who has had many many many male friends confess to carrying a torch for her (recently 12 friends I have known for 5+ years have done this in just two weeks) let me recommend trying to do this in a way that allows you to backpedal if she isn't interested so that you can salvage a friendship, if you're interested, or at least your pride if she isn't interested in you?
     
  17. krazedpirate

    krazedpirate Member

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    Thanks guys, it was a rough month and a half, but things have actually turned out quite well, I kind of felt silly posting initially on here, but thanks. I'll post more details when I have more time. Exhausted
     
    #17 krazedpirate, Mar 21, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2010
  18. beachbum1971

    beachbum1971 Member

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    I think she gently gave you a hint when she said that lots of guys are interested in her but they just want to have sex with her. It means one of 2 things: 1. She has put you into that category, or 2. She is telling you she needs to get to know you really well before jumping in. Be her friend. Take it as it comes. If it feels right and something develops, that's great, if she does not make the first move, then accept that she is not really into anything more than friendship.
     
  19. beachbum1971

    beachbum1971 Member

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    Okay, just read the last post. Glad it is working out!
     
  20. beachbum1971

    beachbum1971 Member

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    Just read the last post. Glad it is working out!
     
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