Am i an a""hole for not wanting a relationship with a single mother??

[HungThickProf]

I don't believe that you're an asshole because you're not ready to be a parent, obviously. When a child is involved, you're getting a set- not just her, but her child as well. And if that's not what you're looking for, then that's you. Personally, it's not a role I'm ready to play either, so I understand completely. However, I will say that it does sound a bit asshole-ish when you emphasize that you don't want to "raise" or "pay for" another man's child. That's just fucking ridiculous to me. IF something was to grow between you and his mother and you got to know the child, blood-related or not, it's about the quality of life for the child. Blood doesn't make a family, love does. So, it just sounds to me as if you're not quite ready yet. Maybe you will be in the future.

 

[HungThickProf]

but i dont get why i should pay for her childs education, living expenses etc. it's not my child.

Are you fucking serious?

 

[HungThickProf]

I have nail marks in the palms of my hands.

Walking away before I say something I regret.

Girl, I'm with you...I'm pretty sure she just set women back about 50 years.

 

[dude_007]

im hoping to have a woman younger then i am who doesnt have kids, or i'll settle for nothing.

better alone, then paying some woman's child's tuition,schooling, food, board etc.

I agree with others, this kind of makes you an a""hole.

Why do you assume you would be the one paying for some other a""hole's kids. Single moms can make bank, too.

 

[dolfette]

i have a stepdad.
he has paid for this ''other man's child'' on numerous occasions.
when he split up with my mother (temporarily) and was depressed and unwell, another man's child drove over there several times a week to take him a home cooked meal. another man's child gave him her garage so that he could set up a workshop when he needed to earn money. when he's an old man another man's child, and another man's grandchildren too, will be looking out for him and making sure he gets all he needs.

that's how families work.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I dont want to be raising another man's child, spending money on another man's child. But a female friend who's a single mother thinks im an asshole because of it.

Don't get into a relationship you don't feel like you can put 100% of yourself into it. Someone else is willing to take up the role of a father in their lives so let that man step up and do it. Don't waste her time if you don't think you can't.

Just remember settling down often means settling for.

 

[poultrygeist]

but i dont get why i should pay for her childs education, living expenses etc. it's not my child.

i dunno, probably because of some crazy thing called loving your family or something like that.

shit I know plenty of men who fathered children that hate them. simply providing the sperm doesn't make an automatically happy relationship.

 

[Drifterwood]

A few comments:

1. You might be an asshole, but not for this reason.

2. Your friend thinks you're an asshole because she's afraid other guys will reject her for the same reason you stated.

3. The majority of single, childless women who I have talked to on this subject have expressed a preference (for dating, marriage, whatever) for childless men. In other words, it's not just guys who prefer childless partners.

4. The money issue aside (and it is itself significant), anyone who dates a person with a child will have to recognize that the child will always come first. You won't be taking a spur-of-the-moment weekend road trip to wine country... you won't be going to all-inclusives in the islands... and you may not even be able to have a dinner out on a Friday night.

And even if the child doesn't come first with the person you're dating, it will in the eyes of the law.

I agree. Especially with point one. The OP seems to have a liking for wind up threads, but I do find this one interesting.

There was a guy on here a while back, a single dad from Florida, I think. He seemed like a nice guy and seemed like a great committed dad, but he bemoaned the fact that no single childless women, his age (young), would touch him.

I'm a sucker for kids tbh. I'd probably end up preferring the kids to the mother.

 

[matelalique]

I think it's a complex question - and particularly for the children who need stability in their life that has presumably not existed so far. Far from being an arsehole, I applaud the OP for thinking about his attitudes *before* entering a short term relationship with a troubled family.

I've seen many friends create a new family with someone else's children, and it is becoming more common. Modern families are complicated. As others have said, it's a package deal - you accept the whole half-family as a family if you decide to go there.

Good luck - and try to put the troubled lives of your potential children before your penis.

 

[EllieP]

Hey, wanna hear from a single mom who dated? Yeah, that's me. I was left with a two-year-old when I was 20 years old. The dad bugged out completely and still owes around $100K in back child-support. OK, enough of that.

I dated for a few years following the divorce. Most guys I met were surprised that I had a child. Some I could tell right away were not into that. That's ok. Doesn't make them an asshole. Some thought it was great and commended what I was trying to do. They seemed sympathetic with the difficulties of going it alone. Those were the keepers, but alas, I didn't get to keep one. I'm kinda picky, too.

Let's just say you both dodged a bullet on this one, ok? You weren't saddled with a kid not your own and she wasn't saddled with you. So it's win-win! Yay!

Now then, I met a couple who has seven children. Four of them are hers and three are his. They all looked alike! I asked who's are for who? And they both said they can't remember. That man not only took hers as his own but he's also payed for seven college degrees and two weddings. The girls were hers but he walked them down the aisle. They adore him.

My husband now never wanted children. He told me he wasn't the daddy type. My daughter was 10 when we met. He had no problems with a young girl in the house, but he warned me that he probably would be a bad influence on her because of his paternal inaptitude. Well, guess what? He became the most loyal, loving, overprotective father a young girl would want. She adores him and he fawns all over her. I cry whenever I think about it how lucky I was to find a man whose heart turned in such a fashion.

 

[SereneBlue]

I am 45. I am childless by choice. I strongly prefer men who are also childless. There is someone out there for everybody's preferences/choices in life. No one is an asshole because their life preferences differ from other's life preferences/choices and these preferences/choices guide their decisions on whom to get involved with.

So no...you're not an asshole.

It just is what it is.

 

[Wrat]

I married a single mother and raised somebody else's kids. Of course women will all tell you what a wonderful person you are for it. But the truth is that it was a completely un-satisfying experience. I would not recommend it. I have a thousand reasons, and I will tell yo uwhat they are if you ask, but for nmow just take my word for it. You are not an a$$ hole for directing your life in a different direction.

 

[poultrygeist]

Dating women with children is certainly not for everyone, that's for sure.

Let's don't paint all single mothers as being perfect angels either. I know of women with children that I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to be dating either because the women themselves are assholes or their kids are little rotten demons.

That being the case, I'd rather be a happy asshole that ruled out a lot of losers than an unhappy bastard who took the first thing that came along.

 

[rob_just_rob]

I agree. Especially with point one. The OP seems to have a liking for wind up threads, but I do find this one interesting.

There was a guy on here a while back, a single dad from Florida, I think. He seemed like a nice guy and seemed like a great committed dad, but he bemoaned the fact that no single childless women, his age (young), would touch him.

I'm a sucker for kids tbh. I'd probably end up preferring the kids to the mother.

Little Kid Lover - YouTube

Sorry, I had to.

 

[B_Hickboy]

I dont want to be raising another man's child, spending money on another man's child. But a female friend who's a single mother thinks im an asshole because of it.

I do want to raise another man's child, and God willing, I will. I don't mind spending my money. In fact, the fucking lout hasn't paid a dime of child support since last year. I don't want any of his money. What I want is for him to fuck off.

But it's my preference, and my partner and her offspring are quite lovable. We make a nifty family unit, hers, mine, and ours. Lots of love and laughter.

No, you're not an asshole for feeling that way. There's quite a difference in our ages, and if I were your age I might feel the same way. Doing what's right for you, at your stage of life, doesn't make you an asshole. Quite the contrary; it takes courage.

You're not an asshole because of that. You're an asshole because you don't know how to use a fucking apostrophe. :tongue: Asshole.

 

[piratelife]

I'll date a girl who has kids but I understand why you won't. Kids can mean financial cost, and she will probably have a lot less time to dedicate to you and the relationship, and kids also tend to cause drama with baby daddies and whatnot.

 

[DQSundae]

You're not an asshole for stating what you want up front. If you don't love her and her kid, then don't mess with her. Assholes are the ones who get involved with a single mother then treat the kid badly. No shame in knowing what you want and being honest about it.

I would only get involved with a single mother as long as the biological father was gone and there was no chance of him coming back or being involved ever. The other factor would be the age of the child, older children have a harder time accepting a man in the home. If I took that on, that child would be just as much my own as any child I had with her.

 

[bxtoni]

Nah, it's not you kid, and it's not your problem. I've never dated a woman with a kid because I just don't want to deal. I've fucked a few but I am not trying to curtail my life for someone else's life decisions. So I guess, I'm the asshole!

 

[helgaleena]

It's not wrong not to love her kid. But don't expect any woman who has a kid to put her kid in the back seat and push the car into the lake for you.

If there is a child, that woman is a package deal. Leave her alone if you don't love the kid too.

Myself, I hate other peoples' kids. Thank goodness instinct kicked in when my own were born and I bonded with them. Now, I am like the woman with the infant in OK with the shotgun-- diss my kids and you are arousing the beast.

Knowing this about yourself, know also that it is not impossible for some people to love children who don't share DNA with them, most sincerely. They are better humans than many of us. Single parents need to wait for one of them, not ones like us.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

As a teenager I said NO NEVER, but as I see how young women get children at an alarmingly rate here I dropped the issue, a beautifull woman is still a beautifull woman when she has a child. But even though I love children and they love me I have no plans of taking over someone else's responsibility.

I think I'd limit myself to spending money on toys but I have no long term aspirations paying for someone elses shortcomings.

But with age, things may change I realise that but right now no.