Am i an a""hole for not wanting a relationship with a single mother??

avg_joe

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I dont want to be raising another man's child, spending money on another man's child. But a female friend who's a single mother thinks im an asshole because of it.

It's your choice. You are the one who has to take responsibility. My suggestion is that you should not care about others' opinion on you.
 

D_Sal_Manilla

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No your not. its hard to take care of someones kid.
heck if it was easy there would be no orphans in the world because they would all be adopted.

Heck I'm gay and one day in 20-25 years from now i would like to have children of my own. and I don't consider the possibility of adopting a child. i just cant because we are different genetically.

If she is calling you an asshole i would just tell her to go adopt a another baby and see if she can truly love both children equally.

sorry but she sounds bitter about her own situation.
 

Tattooed Goddess

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The older you get and the more having children out of wedlock is acceptable along with divorce rates so high, it's going to be harder and harder to find someone who is childless. But it is still possible. You just might be making the numbers game get more difficult.

My brother-in-law is not a father but he has dated several women with children in hopes to be a good stepfather role in their lives. He is such a prankster and has such fun with other peoples kids but truly doesn't want to create any of his own. I wish more men were like this. They are a rarity.
 

D_Dick_S_Lapp

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I dont want to be raising another man's child, spending money on another man's child. But a female friend who's a single mother thinks im an asshole because of it.

Not an asshole because of that. Or at least i don't think so. The whole thing about..another man's child..makes you an asshole. Also a terrible terrible step father.
 

FuzzyKen

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The problem is that there is way too much here that we don't know. I can see both sides of this problem, and to be honest it is a problem if things go wrong.

When one becomes a step-parent there is an automatic legal responsibility that comes with the deal.

It is a personal choice to take on a "used" kid. Based on my situation I can argue for both sides because my life-partner and I have been stuck financially while a true deadbeat Dad has more or less laughed in our faces. The deadbeat Dad in this case is such a total slime-ball that we are in fact the only real chance and parents that this kid had. He has asked me to legally adopt him because he wants to drop his Father's last name and adopt mine. I am the one he introduces now as Dad because he has realized that it was not his birth Father but I who in fact have been the one there for him. When he came out of anesthetic after cancer surgery I was the one in the recovery room with him.

I have taken very damaged goods from a bad situation and we have been working together to assure that he has a good life. He is now in his 20's and so many things have happened to and for him now that I have to say that in this particular case I have no regrets that I did the right thing. My life-partner and I have paid dearly in financial terms for this, but, I now know that this kid has a damned chance to make something of himself. The biological is an alcoholic that feels booze to be the most important thing in his life. The booze to him is far more important than the son he has already lost or the two daughters that hate his guts.

The word describing the anus does not really apply here. The main thing is that you have to know and understand 100 where you fit in. The problem really is not you and it really is not the child but the single Mother herself.

I myself came from a home where a divorce had split my biological parents. My own Father was a severe alcoholic and when the one I now call mine came into the picture I saw the same hurt and damage I had suffered being thrown at him on a daily basis. I did not really in the beginning want the parent thing at all, but I could not let the kid suffer horribly for a drunken sot as a Father and because he had a spineless worm for a Mother, it wasn't his fault.

In the end, I profited greatly from having the Stepparents. While I did not choose to continue any kind of relationship with my Stepmother because of some actions she took when I was in College, I remained close to my Stepfather. He had a son by a previous marriage. My Stepfather took interest in me and he took on the role of a second Dad and tried to help me where he could. He did the right thing for me and it is my duty to somehow give back to another what he did for me. When my Stepfather passed away in 1984 because I had been there, had done the right thing, and cared for him in the final two years of his life with terminal cancer and his own had not, his biological son inherited next to nothing. I as a Stepson treated him right and was surprised to find that on his passing I inherited the entire estate including investments and real estate.

He did the right thing for me, and in turn I did the right thing for him as well. In the end it went both ways and I will always remember our time together fondly and his efforts on my behalf. He was an incredibly great man and it was a privilege to have known him.

The main thing is that he never treated me as less than he should have, and in turn I gave him the same respect. I passed that on to my "used kid" and over time the same has happened there.

If I had a natural born child, there is no guarantee that the one that came from my sperm would be as good as the one that came into my life through other circumstances. As strange as it seems, I would now love them both equally.

I don't blame you for your attitude at all. You are being asked to shoulder an incredible responsibility that you did not physically create, however, if you go into it with an open mind and the attitude of all involved and with the word "all" I mean the biological Mother being the determining factor, it may change your opinion somewhat. Also remember that the lessons learned with the older stepchild will profit you greatly in trying to be a good parent to the biological child conceived with the Mother.

The main thing you have to have is agreements regarding the child long before you agree to the marriage. You would have to discuss things involving discipline and rules regarding your relationship with the child.

You must go in as a fully participating parent and not as a "meal ticket" and on that point I not only agree with your hesitancy I support it completely.

These are the issues that are really important.

If the child is given any form of control or ability to disrespect you, treating you in a role less important than that of the biologic, then you are screwed and it would destroy your relationship with your then wife.

I think that going in and setting down your feelings before the fact to the woman in question would be a good beginning point. In addition, if the situation were to be that you had no parental rights toward the child in question, or say in the raising of that child, then you would have a legitimate reason to walk away in any eyes of anyone who has ever been a parent. That places you completely in the right.


Good Luck!
 
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rtg

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hell no...I wouldn't want to date a man with a kid either. I don't want to raise someone elses child; I don't want that baggage; I don't want to deal with the ex; if I wanted a kid, I would have my own.

I don't care if this makes me shallow...it's just not for me. Maybe when I'm older, I'd consider it. But I don't want kids right now.
 
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I dont want to be raising another man's child, spending money on another man's child. But a female friend who's a single mother thinks im an asshole because of it.

I don't think your an Ahole for this. Just know that you have this as a standard so stick to it. Granted it maybe a challenge to find a woman that doesn't have any children but they are out there.

In reference to your female friend that is her opinion, and perhaps from experience. It is much easier on her and her child/children though if she had help. I ask that you send my regards, I understand the challenges she faces.

I realize as I get older that many are just going with it; having fun; etc etc. In all this fun they end up making bad chooses with the man/woman they choose and the result is just that a single woman with children and a man with little or no responsability. Perhaps we should take a moment and choose wisely and be picky.
 

Q Vee

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As a general answer to your question I would say not necessarily, but possibly.

Overall, this is about love. I personally am doing things "I would never" do because of love. When you find someone to love who loves you back, "would never" becomes meaningless. Mutual love, respect, honesty and simply wanting the other person's best interests met are the priority. Sounds corny, but it is what it is.

In the meantime, it seems wise to avoid situations that you are not open to and skip all the drama.
 

walnutgrain

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Now then, I met a couple who has seven children. Four of them are hers and three are his. They all looked alike! I asked who's are for who? And they both said they can't remember. That man not only took hers as his own but he's also payed for seven college degrees and two weddings. The girls were hers but he walked them down the aisle. They adore him.

My husband now never wanted children. He told me he wasn't the daddy type. My daughter was 10 when we met. He had no problems with a young girl in the house, but he warned me that he probably would be a bad influence on her because of his paternal inaptitude. Well, guess what? He became the most loyal, loving, overprotective father a young girl would want. She adores him and he fawns all over her. I cry whenever I think about it how lucky I was to find a man whose heart turned in such a fashion.

This is beautiful. It almost made me want to cry. I have a soft spot for a man who doubts himself, does it anyway, and finds out he's great at what he thought would be beyond him.
 

MalakingTiti

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but i dont get why i should pay for her childs education, living expenses etc. it's not my child.

Where is the dad? And why isn't he upholding his financial responsibility? To me that is the question. I don't necessarily have a problem with dating a woman with a child but I shouldn't be expected to do all that the real dad isn't, thereby enabling him to get off scott free. And if a woman thinks I should be ready and willing to that with no questions asked, it seems to me that she has an agenda in which I am not adequately considered. I mean think about it. She elects to have a child with a man with whom she had no future, allows him shirk his parental responsibility, and then wants me to do what he will not? What kind of bullshit is that?
 

august86

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I find it interesting that you're using douchebaggery to make your point, which either means that deep down you realise the huge implications entering into a relationship with someone who has kids, brings (and it the responsibility scares you), or you're just selfish and realise that you won't be the centre of attention in relationship.
I'm hoping it's the former, as it shows potential for maturity, but either way it's your decision to make.

No-one blames you for not being ready for such a committment, as an 'all of a sudden' family is very often much harder than a (more or less) planned one.
As others have mentioned, the family unit has changed quite a bit since 'the old' days, so the likelihood of dating/ending up with someone who's a parent is high, especially as you get older.

I was always told that it's not easy to accept another person's child, and that it takes a special person to do that. There are many 'good guys' (or gals) out there that will make things work because of their feelings for the parent, and have fulfilling lives as a family unit. I'm sure every child who felt abandoned by their biological parent thanked their lucky stars/deity/universe for sending them someone who showed them love and taught them that they (parent and child/ren) deserve a second chance at happiness.

To the Episcopalian lady that said the females should lay in the bed they have made: there are many reasons for single parentdom, which include things like: divorce, death, and more frequently these days, choice. Not every female is a single parent because they're skanks who don't even know which guy in the bar is the father.

Also, people are becoming more and more independent these days (especially females), so Aussie, she might be supporting you instead of the other way around. ;)
 

august86

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Where is the dad? And why isn't he upholding his financial responsibility? To me that is the question. I don't necessarily have a problem with dating a woman with a child but I shouldn't be expected to do all that the real dad isn't, thereby enabling him to get off scott free. And if a woman thinks I should be ready and willing to that with no questions asked, it seems to me that she has an agenda in which I am not adequately considered. I mean think about it. She elects to have a child with a man with whom she had no future, allows him shirk his parental responsibility, and then wants me to do what he will not? What kind of bullshit is that?

Please don't get into a relationship with someone who has kids. You will show them what being miserable is really about.