Am I being irrational?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by True_Blue, Nov 9, 2009.

  1. True_Blue

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    It's quite a bit to read but I wanted to be sure include most of the details...

    I haven't spoken with my dad since February and my mom has really been on my case (understatement) about calling him.
    So here's the full sitch: I had moved with my dad in June of last year after my mom and I had had a MAJOR argument...the subject of that argument isn't important here. It was my second attempt at trying to live with him. At the time that I moved in I didn't have a job but I was in school. He said that he didn't want me to work, only to focus on school but then he wouldn't buy groceries or pay for electric or gas service. So I eventually got a job so I would be able to put a few things in the kitchen. Time passed and the months got colder, and I'm sure all that kept me sane was my friends. When it got really cold, he would go to his girlfriend's house and stay for 4-6 days out of the week while I was home freezing my ass of.
    I could with all of those things, I mean, I had been through all of that before. What I just can't seem to get over are the things he said to me and the things he said to my friends. He would go as far as (and farther than) threatening me in front of my friends and even saying disrespectful things to my friends. And I can't past all the lies he told. And my mom, despite out falling out, called me at least every week to make sure I was okay. After 8 months I decided to move back with my mom. As I said before, this was my second time trying to live with him. The first time ended before I was even fully moved in. He didn't like the fact that I decided not to move with him and it resulted in a huge indent of my in my bedroom wall. This time around my mom suggested (to kept it from becoming physical) that I just move all of my stuff out while he was at work...and so I did. He called later that day to see what had happened and then told me that I wasn't a real man because I didn't come to him and talk about it like a real man would've. I reminded him about the last time and the giant crack in the wall and, well, he didn't have anything else to say. That was the last time I talked to my dad...back in February.
    I do respect him and appreciate the fact that he gave me a place to lay my head when I was in need. However, I'm not sure if my relationship with my dad is going to recover. My mom has really been saying (forcefully) that I should get in touch with him but, in this case, I don't want to be the adult. I have no desire to be the bigger man...and that kills me. I feel like if he wanted to talk to me he would've gotten in contact with me. He didn't hesitate to get me to call me brother when he wanted to talk him so why should this be any different. A part of me is a little scared that he might not even want to talk to me.

    So am I being irrational? Am I being stupid and stubborn? I desperately need some advice because I just don't know how approach the situation anymore.
     
  2. ManlyBanisters

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    Are you bring irrational? No. It sounds like a difficult relationship.

    Should you call him? Yes, probably - if you try and fail then at least you will know. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets to call.

    Should he call you? Hell, yes! You're his son. It is not his place to sulk at you. But none of us are perfect - maybe he's feeling rejected and needs you to take the first step this time.

    If you do call him, just call to say hi - Don't try to talk the whole thing out first go. Say hi, ask him how he's been, tell him how you've been, tell him you'll call again soon or that he can call you whenever. Small talk. Maybe even an 'I love you, dad'. See how it goes.

    EDIT: By the way - I'd tell your mother that you've heard her, you understand she wants you to call him, enough with the nagging already. You need space and time to do it and her repeatedly getting on your case about it is making it harder, not easier. Thank her for caring, repeat that you are going to call him, in your own good time.
     
    #2 ManlyBanisters, Nov 9, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2009
  3. Pitbull

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    I try not to give advice.
    I point out things to think about.

    There are a lot of details missing but you can still think about these things.

    Why do you need to talk to him?
    Is it just because he is your dad and you are trying to establish a father son realtionship?

    Why do you need to do it now?
    Is it just because 8 months seems like a long time?
    Sorry to break it to you - some people don't reconcile for years and some never do.

    Why do you have to do it?
    In my book - the dad is supposed to be the bigger man.
    If he is not then you are dealing with a child who feels entitled because he fathered you.
    That isn't going to go too far.

    If nothing has changed since the day you moved in then the result of your conversation will probably be the same that you would have had back then.

    Lastly, focus on getting your life in order. And that means you being in a situation of control so you can take care of yourself next time you and your mother have a major argument and are in need of a place to stay.
    Have the ability to get your own place and not depend on your dad.

    Good Luck.
     
  4. True_Blue

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    Thanks, I have been given a lot to think about. I know I have an important decision to make.
     
  5. nudeyorker

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    You have already been given very good advice, but I'll offer one other suggestion. Write down all your feelings of the events that have happened and really examine what is going to really matter next year. At that point take the high road and discuss those issues with your mother and father and maybe the three of you can take the necessary steps to putting the pieces back together in a way that suits all of your needs.
     
  6. Stephenmass

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    All of the things you mention in your OP would have driven me away too. No heat, electricity, food, etc.? Screw that. He knew you were home; at the very least he could have provided essention comforts of life and didn't. You lasted longer than I would have.

    I think it would be a good idea to make peace with him but I would never consider moving back with him. The only good thing he had to say to you was to focus on your school work. That is a must but with the other things going on around you at his place, how was that even possible?

    Stay at Mom's or if possible move on campus for the rest of your schooling. It would do you a world of good in two respects. Gets you away from both and lets you see how you like being "on your own" in a sense, and then you can create your own community of friends without judgement. You are old enough to select your own friends.
     
  7. helgaleena

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    If you have coop housing available around your school, consider that option too. Coops are groups of like minded people, usually of similar ages, and the living is cheaper than in a dorm. Dealing with housemates is very educational and gives you options for broadening your outlook. You sound like you have responsible instincts that would help you keep up with coop chore duties quite easily.
     
  8. Pitbull

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    No heat in Boston in the winter does not come close to no heat in Dallas in the winter.
     
  9. True_Blue

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    Nudeyorker: You make an excellent suggestion but I'm pretty sure it open a new world of problems if I were to do that. My mom still doesn't know about most of what took place while I was there, I thought it'd be best not to mention it to her. If she knew I can't imagine what she'd say (or do) to my dad for letting me go through it...or to me for staying.

    Stephen: Yea it was tough, without my friends I wouldn't have made through. I had one friend who actually brought her mom to try to convince me to move with them. I felt like I would only became a burden so I couldn't accept that offer. I had another friend who would come get me out of the house or just keep me company at least every three days; she even stayed a few nights just so I wouldn't have to be there alone. We actually almost blew the house up (accidentally, of course) while trying to light the fireplace; it was hilarious! And as for school, I was kicked out in January...or as they so delicately put it, "Academically Terminated". After that I decided I just couldn't stay. But I'm happy to say I started at a community college in August and my grades are awesome.

    Helgaleena: I am currently trying to find a better paying job because I feel like I REALLY need to move out, I just need to be able to maintain once I do.

    Pitbull: Dude, two words: HELLA COLD! A fireplace and all the quilts and comforters in the world wouldn't have helped.
     
  10. True_Blue

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    ...
     
    #10 True_Blue, Nov 9, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2009
  11. cock23

    cock23 New Member

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    First of all, do you WANT a relationship with your dad? The anwser has to be yours only and not influenced by anyone else (including your mum). And if you do, it looks like you'l have to do the calling-which I don't think you should be doing because hes the father and should be calling you and not the other way round, but if it's been 8 months and he hasn't called at all then I doubt he will to be honest. But basically, the longer you leave it the harder it will become to get in contact and establish some sort of relationship.

    And no I don't think you're being irrational/stupid/stubborn...a phone has two ends and he could have called you by now. And as I've said before, it should be him making the first move not you, but in this case it looks as if you'l have to make the first move because it sounds like hes not prepared to do it.

    And if you decide you don't want to have a relationship with him then just move on and don't feel bad about it because what happened isn't your fault, at the end of the day you tried to live with him twice and it didn't work. You sound like a decent guy to me who's got good friends and is getting on with life, so focus on that and try not to feel bad about what happened. :) Good luck!
     
  12. Incocknito

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    Some people you are just better off without. Just because they are "family" does not automatically make them good people or people that are good for you.

    The real issue here is why are you periodically having these arguments with your mother which are then forcing you to go live with your father?

    Just relax, concentrate on your studies and work towards the goal of moving out / doing whatever it is you want to do.

    Be careful about the company; friends and family which you keep along the way.
     
  13. eastbaydude

    eastbaydude New Member

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    Since there are two sides to everything and there's a lot of missing detail, I'm not going to comment on any of the points you raised other than to say there are many and that they sound like they suck.

    One of the things you need to remember is that at 22, you're an adult. One of the things I learned as an adult (and I'll admit I was older than 22 when I learned it) is that your father is just a man. There's nothing special about him. He isn't better than anyone else, doesn't have better coping skills, isn't stronger, smarter or more together than anyone else. Other than loving you, he's just an ordinary, normal man.

    If you can be the bigger man, do it? Call him! Tell him you were hurt and admit you may have overreacted. Ask how he felt. (I'll bet he was hurt, too.)

    Be the bigger man.

    You will learn this leaason some day. Might as well start now.
     
  14. Pitbull

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    A little advice.
    Don't move to New England.
     
  15. helgaleena

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    I think your head is in the right place, Trueblue, because you are caught between your parents emotionally if you stay with either one of them, and your dad is actively abusive whether you mention it to your mom or not (your choice) To move out on your own or to move into a surrogate social group like a coop is also your choice. But out from your childhood setting is the way, and you already realized that.
     
  16. True_Blue

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    Yea I do want a relationship with my dad but he just makes it so hard. He is VERY stubborn and it just becomes so tedious that I start to question if its really worth it. I don't claim to be perfect but I feel like I've tried for so long and have gotten nowhere.

    Helgaleena: Thanks so much and you are so right, I know it's time that I move but I can't just fit in at any place. I have a habit of being cautious until I become comfortable and occasionally people get the wrong idea. I don't intend to be so dismissive, I just remain secluded until I get a good sense of someone's personality.
     
  17. True_Blue

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    Eastbaydude: I understand what you mean: there are two sides to every story and he is just man. I try not to make any decisions or give any advice without full knowledge of the events. It isn't my intention to mislead or make my dad appear to be a heartless monster. And I know that it seems that all I mentioned were the bad times but there really weren't any other times to mention. If you have any particular questions I wouldn't be mind answering them; you might open my eyes to something I hadn't noticed before.

    Incocknito: I am very family-oriented. My family is always going to be there, despite our clashes. My friends and I have bonds as strong as those between me and my family, so I consider them family as well. I don't believe that I am better off without anyone from this life as I know it. The struggles may be intense but, if we manage to conquer them, our bonds only become stronger. Some might say I'm naïve for thinking in such a way but I find it difficult to fight what I feel in my heart. Perhaps that's why I'm so confused by all of this and unable to see a clear path to take. As for my mom, only the second time I moved was a result of an arument...the first time she just thought it would be nice (since I had been with her since I was about 5) for me to move and spend some real time with him.
     
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