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Am I being irrational?

D_Tam_Ponds

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I've started dating someone I met online. He's very polite, nice, sweet, funny and things have been going pretty well. He's not at all the type of guy that I'm used to, but I'm trying to be very open-minded about it, after all the type of guy that I'm used to doesn't seem to be working and I'm trying to recognize this and change it up. We have been on 2 dates and have been talking for about 2 weeks (he's anxious to see me more, but I'm so busy that I just don't have much free time). Right from date one he has made sexual references and his sense of humor is a bit raunchy. But I have shrugged it off that he's a guy and I guess I prefer confidence to shyness as I can be pretty shy myself about sexual stuff until I get really comfortable with someone. He has been pushing to get me out of the public for date #3, and I just wasn't sure I was ready for that but had kind of decided I might go along with it - especially after I posted another thread about how long people wait for sex and realized it might be pretty standard timing. I guess I haven't done alot of formal dating, usually picking up relationships with men I have known as friends first. So after date #2, I had really nice time and it had ended with kissing, touching, etc. I thought that maybe I would go for it if thats what he wanted on date #3. Then the next morning he was texting me how he had a great time and how he couldn't wait to see me again, how he went to be revved up... and had dreamed about me and it was really hot. So I asked him what happened in his dream. Well, the response I got was pretty shocking. As it turns out he likes male domination kinky stuff. That is REALLY not my bag. He was talking about tying me up, on and on. I told him that was never going to be anything more than a dream. I was kind of surprised, he seems so gentleman-like - hand kissing, etc.

So, loads of concerns here. Please tell me what you think - am I over-reacting? First, I don't know him that well and he's a very large, very strong man. For some reason all this gives me mental images of being forcibly tied and overpowered. I know I watch too many movies... I don't want to seem closed minded here, but I really wouldn't enjoy this kind of sex, it's just not for me. He continues to pursue me even though I've told him it's not my thing - is he thinking he can convert me? Or is he thinking he can live without fulfilling these types of desires? Or is he a predator? Maybe I should just be walking away at this point? Anybody have some insight about this?:confused:
 

AlphaMale

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I've started dating someone I met online. He's very polite, nice, sweet, funny and things have been going pretty well. He's not at all the type of guy that I'm used to, but I'm trying to be very open-minded about it, after all the type of guy that I'm used to doesn't seem to be working and I'm trying to recognize this and change it up. We have been on 2 dates and have been talking for about 2 weeks (he's anxious to see me more, but I'm so busy that I just don't have much free time). Right from date one he has made sexual references and his sense of humor is a bit raunchy. But I have shrugged it off that he's a guy and I guess I prefer confidence to shyness as I can be pretty shy myself about sexual stuff until I get really comfortable with someone. He has been pushing to get me out of the public for date #3, and I just wasn't sure I was ready for that but had kind of decided I might go along with it - especially after I posted another thread about how long people wait for sex and realized it might be pretty standard timing. I guess I haven't done alot of formal dating, usually picking up relationships with men I have known as friends first. So after date #2, I had really nice time and it had ended with kissing, touching, etc. I thought that maybe I would go for it if thats what he wanted on date #3. Then the next morning he was texting me how he had a great time and how he couldn't wait to see me again, how he went to be revved up... and had dreamed about me and it was really hot. So I asked him what happened in his dream. Well, the response I got was pretty shocking. As it turns out he likes male domination kinky stuff. That is REALLY not my bag. He was talking about tying me up, on and on. I told him that was never going to be anything more than a dream. I was kind of surprised, he seems so gentleman-like - hand kissing, etc.

So, loads of concerns here. Please tell me what you think - am I over-reacting? First, I don't know him that well and he's a very large, very strong man. For some reason all this gives me mental images of being forcibly tied and overpowered. I know I watch too many movies... I don't want to seem closed minded here, but I really wouldn't enjoy this kind of sex, it's just not for me. He continues to pursue me even though I've told him it's not my thing - is he thinking he can convert me? Or is he thinking he can live without fulfilling these types of desires? Or is he a predator? Maybe I should just be walking away at this point? Anybody have some insight about this?:confused:

As far as the bolded part, I think your response was completely warranted. Bondage is not what you're into and the fact that he's making sexually suggestive and detailed comments by only date 2 or 3 seems a bit early to me personally (seems like he isn't catching your vibe about taking the slow route with the sexual stuff).

I would just let him know that the sexual stuff doesn't make you feel very comfortable that early in a relationship and then go from there. If you feel like waiting it out and getting to know him better, then go for it. Conversely, if you think he's coming on too strong and he's not going to be someone you're going to fall for in the long run then gracefully bow out. :smile:
 

slyman6

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just be careful and if the situation doesn't feel right, walk away. Too many weirdos out there. Dating doesn't always have to lead to the end result.......build a COMFORTABLE relationship first. If, in your eyes, he's too aggressive.......tell him again honestly "I don't like that stuff".
 

Branleur49008

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My experience has been that if someone or something raises the hairs on your neck - and this guy sounds like he might - listen to your instinct and proceed with caution.We were given instinct for a reason. Use it.
 

B_troyboy123

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same as above poster be cautious , try not to feel asleep near him? would be another suggestion as you dont know him well may try to do something, lot of crazy people in this world , but just be smart and be cautious you should be find , you sound like a smart woman
 

D_Tam_Ponds

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My experience has been that if someone or something raises the hairs on your neck - and this guy sounds like he might - listen to your instinct and proceed with caution.We were given instinct for a reason. Use it.


I'm struggling with this exactly. I'm a big chicken sort who is always afraid that every little noise I hear is some serial killer coming to my back door. So maybe I did get the creepy vibe, but I always have to wonder if I'm just getting carried away. My imagination really gets the best of me - I could be Stephen King with what goes on in my head sometimes. LOL
 

D_Tam_Ponds

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And also, does being into kinky domination sex automatically make a guy scary?
 

slyman6

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u been watching too many scary movies!! Go with ur gut feelin', u know normal from abnormal, right? Do u like regular sex? rough sex? ...........it's all about what u like. Maybe u want some dom sex but u need to be with someone who is careful, considerate and will stop if painful.
 

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He continues to pursue me even though I've told him it's not my thing

This is what stands out. If he's stating or even giving you reason to believe he wants you to be involved in something you've specifically stated you don't want, then that is the behaviour of a prick.
 

RawDog

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The topic of domination in of itself isn't disturbing (for me), but it strikes me as inappropriately soon. Waaaay too soon. Plus the fact that he seems insistent on it in spite of your dislike seems to be something to be concerned about.

No, you're not being irrational.
 

dolfette

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some of the sweetest, most decent guys i know are into domination. the turn on for many bdsmers is that it's consensual and enjoyed. but ffs, if you're not ready then just tell him! you've no obligation to move fast just because some other woman posted online that she shags on date three. any decent guy won't mind waiting until you're more comfortable. he sounds a bit too pushy for your timid personality though.
 

D_Tam_Ponds

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This is what stands out. If he's stating or even giving you reason to believe he wants you to be involved in something you've specifically stated you don't want, then that is the behaviour of a prick.


I should be more clear - he did score points when I kept evading his advances the other day that his kids were gone and he had the house to himself - he finally said that he realized he was being the high-pressure guy and he was sorry, he wants to see me again but he doesn't want me to feel pressured. I mean really, so far all has been cool about this guy except the domination/bondage stuff.
 

slyman6

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sounds good but keep the sex at ur pace....."no pressure" is good and hold him to his word. ***Hopefully he's not full of BS.
 

Endued

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I should be more clear - he did score points when I kept evading his advances the other day that his kids were gone and he had the house to himself - he finally said that he realized he was being the high-pressure guy and he was sorry, he wants to see me again but he doesn't want me to feel pressured. I mean really, so far all has been cool about this guy except the domination/bondage stuff.

Okay. Well, as someone who is intimately familiar with the workings of the guy mind, I can't judge him too harshly at all for making it clear he's interested in sex per se, but I think if he's got his ideal sexual desires out there on the table, and he is/was being a bit pushy about sex, I'd be amazed if the domination thing is something he accepts is totally off the cards.
 

D_Tam_Ponds

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Okay. Well, as someone who is intimately familiar with the workings of the guy mind, I can't judge him too harshly at all for making it clear he's interested in sex per se, but I think if he's got his ideal sexual desires out there on the table, and he is/was being a bit pushy about sex, I'd be amazed if the domination thing is something he accepts is totally off the cards.


Point well taken.:eek5:
 

umami_tsunami

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You are not being irrational. If he is willing to openly express strong interest in that kind of sexual behavior before you have even had any sexual contact beyond kissing and touching then it stands to reason that this is the kind of sex he likes and he's telling you that. It's possible that he thinks all women secretly want to be overpowered. If you were unequivocal that this is not exciting to you and he's persisted, then he's either thoughtless, sexually incompatible with you or he's a predator. At the very least he's got sexual assberger's.

My advice would be to have another date in a safe, public place and let him know that you are not secretly wishing to be ravaged, or too repressed to say what you really want. Tell him that being dominated or overpowered is not exciting to you. Ask him if it's truly what he's looking for? Did he think he was being titillating? Did he think this might secretly be what you wanted?

You should not get alone in a sexual context with him until he has sincerely, face-to-face answered questions like these to your satisfaction. He may be harmless and is just thinking he's turning you on, but you are waaaay better safe than sorry. Be careful.
 

AlphaMale

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So I think we missed some very important questions: is he hot, does he have muscles, and does he have a big cock?

Ok, I kid I kid :tongue:
 

claddagh

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I agree, be careful. The sexual jokes/innuendo do imply that he's wanting more pretty quickly. The dream, may or may not mean anything - but I'd be careful.

I had a nice date with a guy once, we were going to go out a second time but he called and said that he was being sent out of town on business. So he asked me if I would come over to his house for dinner. He had seemed nice enough, so I agreed.

When I got to his house I felt a little creeped out. He made us cocktails, showed me around his house and he was telling me how quiet his neighborhood was and that he had a 7' high privacy fence, etc. We ate dinner, more cocktails and I'm starting to get light headed - I have a very high tolerance for alcohol, something wasn't right.

I started to help clear the table and he said he had to go to the bathroom. All of a sudden he was behind me and only wearing his underwear. Luckily I only felt light headed, but wasn't drunk. I told him that I wasn't interested in having sex yet and that I needed to go home. I got in my car and left.

That's all I remember....I don't know how I got home and I only lived 15 minutes away....I woke up at 5 am lying on my bedroom floor naked, apparently I was taking my clothes off to go to bed and just fell over onto the floor and passed out. I'm pretty sure he put something in my drink.

So if it doesn't feel right, don't do it, don't meet him in private yet. There are a lot of scary people out there.
 

PhoenixInvictus

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I think its good that you told him, this way if you do ever have sex with him, he will know that you aren't into it and he won't do it.
 

D_Hey Sailor

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I am currently playing the dating game too, and my immediate thoughts from what you've written are as follows:

1) You have got to establish some firm boundaries. So far it sounds like he's been pretty good at getting what he has wanted even though you're apprehensive. Give an inch, he'll try and take a mile (or attempt it again in a different way). If he's making you uncomfortable in doing so, you have to confront him about it.
2) Slooooooowwww it down. Reciprocation is a powerful thing, and I realize that you said he scored points, but you have got to remember he only "scored" by apologizing for something he should not have done in the first place (being pushy). I would still be apprehensive about what kinds of future contact take place.
3) Evaluate things objectively. You've gone through a lot of sh!te in 2 dates! Are things going how you want? Will they? What do you want? Is he OK with what you want? Consider questions like those and if you're at all uneasy about the answers, talk with him about it. Presumably you're dating to establish a relationship; do not build it on quicksand!


I am sure he's nice and all that, but if you're like me, a nice guy with a serious fault is tantamount to pissin' in mah cherrios. :fart:


Edit: Potential point four... if you've got trust concerns about going into the bedroom with him, that sends up all sorts of red flags to me...
 
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redz_rule

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I am currently playing the dating game too, and my immediate thoughts from what you've written are as follows:

1) You have got to establish some firm boundaries. So far it sounds like he's been pretty good at getting what he has wanted even though you're apprehensive. Give an inch, he'll try and take a mile (or attempt it again in a different way). If he's making you uncomfortable in doing so, you have to confront him about it.
2) Slooooooowwww it down. Reciprocation is a powerful thing, and I realize that you said he scored points, but you have got to remember he only "scored" by apologizing for something he should not have done in the first place (being pushy). I would still be apprehensive about what kinds of future contact take place.
3) Evaluate things objectively. You've gone through a lot of sh!te in 2 dates! Are things going how you want? Will they? What do you want? Is he OK with what you want? Consider questions like those and if you're at all uneasy about the answers, talk with him about it. Presumably you're dating to establish a relationship; do not build it on quicksand!


I am sure he's nice and all that, but if you're like me, a nice guy with a serious fault is tantamount to pissin' in mah cherrios. :fart:


Edit: Potential point four... if you've got trust concerns about going into the bedroom with him, that sends up all sorts of red flags to me...

Brilliant post. Brilliant.
 

helgaleena

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If he doesn't listen when you are putting the brakes on in public situations, what are the chances he'll refuse to stop when you are alone together? Good doms always Listen to the sub.

No. Just let him romance you in public until he tires of you, or tell him you are calling it off, or whatever it takes to make you feel safe. Don't be pressured. The pressure is only mild now and it can be far worse,
 

TheRob

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I'm struggling with this exactly. I'm a big chicken sort who is always afraid that every little noise I hear is some serial killer coming to my back door. So maybe I did get the creepy vibe, but I always have to wonder if I'm just getting carried away. My imagination really gets the best of me - I could be Stephen King with what goes on in my head sometimes. LOL

it's impossible forus to give you advice on someone we have never met...
and having a DREAM (which I will point out is different then a fantacy) about tieing someone up dosn't mean you arn't a gentleman...
 

B_subgirrl

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I think he's just making sure that you know what he likes early on to make sure the boxes are ticked before the two of you get too involved. His continued pursuit of you suggests to me that he DOES think he can convert you. However, I don't think you need to be any more worried about safety than you would be with anyone else. An interest in BDSM does NOT make him any more likely to be dangerous than anyone else would be.

To be honest, I can't see a relationship between the two of you going anywhere. He has told you clearly what he is into, and it is a sexual interest you do not share. If you aren't into it as well, it's likely that he'll end up unsatisfied, and you'll end up feeling bad because you can't give him what he wants. You're also likely to end up feeling pressured to do something you don't want to do (whether the pressure is really there or not), and it's likely you'll end up resenting him for it.
 

monstro

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You have your sexual preferences, he has his. If the two of you are into the same thing, beautiful, if not, then it's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is. Move on. Find the right guy for you. He's out there.