am i being too controlling?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Showerbag, Dec 3, 2009.

  1. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    So my gf and i have been dating over a year. she was a virgin, and i was her first kiss and all that, and it took over 4 months before she would even take her shirt off around me. Its her cousins 21st birthday next month and they're all going to play some game called Shooters for hooters, where they flash a random or the bartender, full out, no bra or anything, and get a free drink. I really really dont agree with this as weve been dating for over a year but when i expressed my discontent she told me im being a controlling asshole. I dont think i was too out of line but she really feels for some reason a random person shes never met before gets a free show when i put 4 months of effort just to get to that point. I don't know how i feel about someone i love so much showing her stuff off like that even if i know shes mine and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship, but i agreed to it and lied, and now i dont really know how to deal with it. its just so odd that all of a sudden she wants to do this. it really bothers me but i dont want to be the "controlling asshole" stopping her from doing that, as it would just lead to more problems. what would you guys do in my situation because i am absolutely stumped:( thanks guys.
     
  2. D_Sibbelah Largeankles

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    I wouldn't say you are being a controlling asshole. But you're going to have to "let" her do what she wants; her boobs, her choice. If you've already laid out your concerns to her and she plans on doing it anyways, you've done all you can do.

    I think it all depends too, on how you expressed your "discontent." If it was in an abrasive way, then I would probably be eff you and do it just to spite you. If it was in a sweet, loving way, then I would definitely reconsider the boobflashing.

    It does sound out of character for her considering it took you 4 months to get her top off...I would be more concerned about that than anything.
     
  3. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    yeah, that is the main concern for me. I wasnt mean about it, i just asked that since i dont feel too comfortable with it, if she would do it with her bra on and she said then she wont get the free drink and not even be playing the game then. She did say she probably wont even have the guts to do it because shes only very recently got completely comfortable with her body, but either way its still a bit of a concern eventho i know she would never cheat on me or be unfaithful. just urks me ya know? And whats your take on the taking 4 months to get her half naked. some underlying thing?
     
  4. D_Sibbelah Largeankles

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    I'm no psychologist, but I don't think it's an underlying thing.

    You said that you were her first kiss. Wow. I mean think about the years of progression most girls have from their first kiss to taking their tops off. And you managed to move it along in 4 months time...congrats.

    I had my first "real" kiss around 7th grade but I didn't let guys get to second base until my Freshman year of High School.

    Every girl moves at her own pace and that pace tends to be a little slower when she is experiencing things for the first time.
     
  5. atlas23

    atlas23 Member

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    She is wrong. You are right.
     
  6. cockring202

    cockring202 New Member

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    Nickle is right on about this. It has just taken her time to start realizing her sexual self. If she is becoming comfortable with her body that is a really awesome development and will probably lead to a sexy confidence.

    And, really, isn't this absolutely harmless in the scheme of things? She has started feeling sexy and wants to be a little bit adventurous. Be a prude if you want, but she may tire of it quickly.
     
  7. sexplease

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    aaah, another trial relationship is about to wreck.
    These are the ones you both learn from and, hopefully you both keep this type baggage to a minimum when going forward into your futures and another relationship that "fits" better for you (and little Miss Muppet who's getting off her tuffet)

    You are being controlling, but that's not always a bad thing.
    She is being inconsiderate, because she does not really truly love you. (and neither do you love yourself or her)

    I could tell you to move on from her, but you won't. You'd rather post a semi-winded piss-n-moan whoa is me story hoping we would all agree with you and see her as the bad guy (or rather, a wanton women as your mom probably instilled in you in your early religious upbringing)
    When you're really miserable and completely done taking HER controlling assholiness attitude toward you, then you'll get out and on with a better life.
    You both are starting to make each other miserable. And what do they say misery loves?...
     
    #7 sexplease, Dec 3, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2009
  8. Guy-jin

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    Ironically, it is she who is being the "controlling asshole" in this case. You were just too nice to call her on her bullshit.

    I'm guessing you're both pretty young. I'll be blunt in saying you need to assert yourself. Are you the man in this relationship, or aren't you?

    She doesn't have to be ashamed of her body, but she also doesn't need to skank around for free drinks. Hell, if she wants a free drink, she should be asking you to buy it for her, and you should be buying it for her happily (which I'm sure you would).

    If you're not comfortable with her flashing her tits at people and she knows it and she still flashes her tits, who's the victim here? It's a relationship. She could sacrifice the thrill of flashing people for your benefit if she cared as much about you as you seem to about her.

    These are things you should be expressing to her in the nicest way possible, by the way.
     
  9. John.Heath

    John.Heath New Member

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    IMO you're only being "controlling" if you issue her an ultimatum of some sort... like "if you do this, I'm leaving you", etc.

    You're being a concerned boyfriend if you nicely tell her that you don't like what she's planning on doing and that if she does it, it will hurt you. If you've told her that, and she goes thru with it anyway, you'll then have to decide if you can live with it or not. Maybe, as someone else pointed out above, she's just expanding her sexual horizons, which may not be a bad thing in the long run for you or her. But she needs to be aware of how those things affect those around her too.

    My advice to you is that once you've made your feelings clear on it, drop it and see what happens. If she does it, let it go and don't worry about it... if more situations like this occur, take a good hard look at your relationship and see if it's one you want to continue.
     
  10. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    yeah, I think this is just a one time thing. Its her going out with her cousins on her birthday, just all ladies night, and they're all doing it. she doesnt want to be the prudish one thats left out. She said she most likely wont do it, and i expressed how happy i was about it but told her if she decides to to let me know, because i really want to see if shell either not do it even if she got the courage too because she knows it will make me happy, or do it because she doesnt care about my feelings. I know she wouldnt do anything more then that, or let anyone touch them or anything, but its kinda a trial thing im looking at. aside from that we have never had any problems at all. And Sexplease, thats pretty bold of you to just say all of that shit considering you dont know the situation or either of us. its just an issue im trying to get some help with by supportive people with opinions. not some prick whose telling me my relationship will definitely fail and saying she doesnt love me.
     
  11. AngelKOF

    AngelKOF New Member

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    Sorry if this has already been, said, I just skimmed. But you have to recognize that in here eyes especially, there is a difference between a lil flash to someone she will never see again, and opening up her sexual self to someone she has feelings for. between the two of you, her taking 4 months was a trust sorta thing of trying to be sure she wont get hurt. Now you've built up that trust.
    When showing to a stranger though, there's really no danger of being hurt emotionally. She gets a free drink, the bartender never gets anything else from her, so its a "good" thing.
    This doesn't mean that you're wrong to be CONCERNED, but try and understand the differences between you and the bartender (in her mind at least)
     
  12. Wish-4-8

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    I feel your pain. This is not going to end good.

    You are not being too controlling. You are being reasonable. Relationships are about commitent and sacrifice. Her boobies are for your viewing pleasure since you made the sacrifice. And vice versa.

    The frustration is in the fact that it took her 4 months to show you her boobs, and now she is going to "give it away" for basically free, or a free drink. That means that all that bullshit about trust in a relationship to be able to show her intimate side goes out the window. 4 months of waiting and some chump is going to get as much "action" as you have gotten in less than 10 seconds.

    Oh, just wait till the sex comes, (if ever) It will be longer than 4 months. Why? Because YOU are special. She doesnt want to ruin the moment. But I bet that she will be a complete slut with the next guy she meets after you too break up, ironically, probably for her not having sex with you. And she will not make him jump through hoops like you.

    For some reason, girls dont realize that the nice guy there are with has the same urges and drive as the assholes and jerks they will fuck later and be hurt by.

    So, know and realize all this. You are young, and trust me, life will get better for you. Be prepared to move on. Unfortunaltly, you will not be the guy she is a slut with. You are too sweet, in her eyes.

    What I am saying, is that she will do what she wants to do and you will not get any of that benifit.
     
  13. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
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    Was there really any need for all of that? No there wasn't I'll answer for you as I can predict your answer. :rolleyes:

    It's quite obvious from his posts that he thinks he might be a bit controlling and is looking for balanced answers to let him see the situation objectively not just for people to agree with his view of things.

    Every relationship reaches new levels and sets new boundaries as it progresses. This sounds like one of those times and the OP is trying to deal with it in the right way by questioning his stance on things.
     
  14. Gisella

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    ditto.
     
  15. Principessa

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  16. AlteredEgo

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    It's not about you, or about free drinks. It's about having a daring experience with her friends, and stepping outside her comfort zone. You are both young, and she is exploring herself. Now, you can respond to that in whatever way feels best to you. Perhaps this is something you can tolerate, perhaps it is not. There's no right or wrong. Wherever your boundaries lie, their defense is entirely up to you.

    I would comment on one other thing. You refer to her as "mine". She isn't. She's hers. She shares parts of herself with you, but neither of you can control the other. You can each only make plain your boundaries, and insist that they be respected. If either one of you cannot stay on the correct side of the other's boundaries, there may be bad news for the relationship unless those boundaries are moved.
     
  17. arkfarmbear

    arkfarmbear New Member

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    Tell her you've been offered big bucks to dance at the local gay bar. You will get more tips as you flash more and even more if you let the guys linger a bit when putting their money into your pouch.
    Since you aren't gay she should be totally okay with it.
    I'll bet she would freak out and forbid you from doing it. You would also be hounded continously about whether or not you are "really" straight.
    I think she is beginning to want out of the relationship but isn't brave enough to tell you.
     
  18. Wish-4-8

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  19. Principessa

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  20. Wish-4-8

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