am i being too controlling?

[Stephenmass]

It's not about you, or about free drinks. It's about having a daring experience with her friends, and stepping outside her comfort zone. You are both young, and she is exploring herself. Now, you can respond to that in whatever way feels best to you. Perhaps this is something you can tolerate, perhaps it is not. There's no right or wrong. Wherever your boundaries lie, their defense is entirely up to you.

I would comment on one other thing. You refer to her as "mine". She isn't. She's hers. She shares parts of herself with you, but neither of you can control the other. You can each only make plain your boundaries, and insist that they be respected. If either one of you cannot stay on the correct side of the other's boundaries, there may be bad news for the relationship unless those boundaries are moved.

I cut and pasted a shorter version of what you said here in a longer version; I wanted to read the replies first to see if anybody already covered it.

about someone i love so much showing her stuff off like that even if i know shes mine

For quite awhile I thought I was the only one that picked up on that. She is not "HIS" and vice versa. You (the OP) talk about her as a possession instead of a serious g/f. This can be seen as smothering and controlling. With you, she didn't want to show herself until maybe she felt comfortable enough to at least feel she wouldn't be hurt (or self conscious). With you, showing her breasts to you is different than a quick flash while she is out with the girls. Is it a bachelorette party? They may have a few to loosen the inhibitions, and if all it takes is a quick flash of "tit" to get a free drink, nothing more, nothing less, what's the big deal?

Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes controlling someone that way, however subconsciously you may be doing it, will drive them away.

Been there, done that and I was the one that left!

 

[lovepoon]

The people that pick up on the "mine" thing how did you know that's what he meant? He could of just meant she's "my" girlfriend. That's not being controlling. But to the OP, if she's willing to do this then obviously something is wrong. She can explore her sexuality with you. But don't think you're controlling because if you were just so happen to flop your dick out for a free drink I doubt she'd be happy with that either

 

[sexplease]

yeah, I think this is just a one time thing. Its her going out with her cousins on her birthday, just all ladies night, and they're all doing it. she doesnt want to be the prudish one thats left out. She said she most likely wont do it, and i expressed how happy i was about it but told her if she decides to to let me know, because i really want to see if shell either not do it even if she got the courage too because she knows it will make me happy, or do it because she doesnt care about my feelings. I know she wouldnt do anything more then that, or let anyone touch them or anything, but its kinda a trial thing im looking at. aside from that we have never had any problems at all. And Sexplease, thats pretty bold of you to just say all of that shit considering you dont know the situation or either of us. its just an issue im trying to get some help with by supportive people with opinions. not some prick whose telling me my relationship will definitely fail and saying she doesnt love me.

I haven't much patience for passive-aggressive behavior, which you are tending to prove your girlfriends assertion of you [in this situation] as a "controlling asshole."

My sincerest apology for hitting the nerve that caused you to refer to me as a "prick."

Sarcasm is just another service I offer.

At times, I forget that I'm nearly always right, often older, more learned, very experienced and stupidly wiser and, a bit too "bold" for some people.

I do hope the best for you both.
How's this for an other, softer and more palpable opinion for your OP?:

Enjoy the time you have to spend together.
Be each others friend. Friends first, middle and last.
Be blind to the superficial and external and cherish what lies in the heart and soul - fore there you will find love.
Take what works for you, discard the rest and make the world a better place.



I'm sure if you accept my friend request, which I did just after my first post, we would both learn a great many things which would benefit ourselves, our loved ones, friends and fellow mankind.

Again, my apology,
Michael★

 

[dolfette]

you have no right to tell her what she can and can't do. being her first doesn't give you rights over her body.
but you do have the right to choose whether or not you want to be with someone who would behave this way.
so you either suck it up, get over it and let her do this harmless, tacky prank and never bring it up again...or dump her.

 

[dolfette]

personally, i'd dump her. not because i think showing your body is wrong but because that shit is demeaning to women.

 

[Showerbag]

I dunno, I've had a few drinks and im considering (although i told her im fine with it) that i dont feel totally comfortable with it. I mean yeah she wants to go out with the girls and do something outgoing and fun but theres a difference between outgoing and fun, and just plain trashy. As I said before, about 9 months ago i did get really loaded and go streaking with a group of close friends, (2 who were girls). Maybe its just a way of kinda getting back or something? I apologized, and she said she doesnt care at all. I dont know im just confused. I feel i should give her the benefit of doing something i hope she doesnt feel happy, about because i did something regrettable like that. But i think after that i should really draw a strict line and tell her if shes going to be in this relationship, and she doesnt think she should have to adhere to it, then to break up with me now. I dunno i just know for sure that if it becomes a regular thing and eventually a question of faith because it happens so often then im going to have to call it off.

 

[Showerbag]

Id gladly give her 5 bucks for that free drink and tell her to keep her body to herself. hell id give her 100 and tell her to make a night of it. I just plain out think its trashy.

 

[dolfette]

ultimatums are lame. LAME!
they are for weaklings and control freaks.
if her only reason for not doing it is because you've threatened to dump her, then she's still the kind of girl who would do it...she's just being repressed by you.

i revise my opinion. you're too controlling.

 

[Showerbag]

then what should be her reason for not doing it? Just the fact that ive told her i feel uncomfortable with it and dont like the idea of her doing it and actually considering my feelings, althought they're hypocritical?

 

[dolfette]

then what should be her reason for not doing it? Just the fact that ive told her i feel uncomfortable with it and dont like the idea of her doing it and actually considering my feelings, althought they're hypocritical?

her reasons should be personal morality. sensitivity to your feelings is A reason not to, not the law.
if you know your feelings are hypocritical then don't you think you should be working on self improvement rather than girlfriend control?

 

[Showerbag]

yeah, And i apologized, and told her it wouldnt happen again eventhough she said she didnt care. I just dont know where this random streak and urge came from. I just dont understand it and dont like it. If you're in a seriously relationship you should be faithful.

 

[dolfette]

yeah, And i apologized, and told her it wouldnt happen again eventhough she said she didnt care. I just dont know where this random streak and urge came from. I just dont understand it and dont like it. If you're in a seriously relationship you should be faithful.

define faithful?

an actress will perform nude scenes...even sex scenes. that's not considered cheating.

some muslims would say it's cheating on you to let other men see her face and hair.

what if she was sunbathing on a topless beach? other men would see her then.

she wasn't bothered by your streak because she believes that it's not cheating just for someone to see you. i happen to agree. my bloke is fine with my pics online.


you just have to decide if you want to be with someone who has her values. live with it or leave, because you can't change her values by bullying her out of acting on them.

 

[Showerbag]

it all varies from person to person. i just dont think showing your private stuff in an area like that is faithful to your partner if he isnt comfortable with it. shes so conservative and shy, and she says she wants to do something outgoing. but thats not outgoing its trashy. a nude beach wouldnt bother me. its just that. a nude beach, everyone there is naked. its just different in an area when guys are there mainly for the purpose of picking someone up or just hitting on girls. its the wrong environment for public nudity.

 

[Showerbag]

Either way, I'm going for coffee with her mother tomorrow, and i am going to ask her advice in this matter.

 

[dolfette]

it all varies from person to person. i just dont think showing your private stuff in an area like that is faithful to your partner if he isnt comfortable with it. shes so conservative and shy, and she says she wants to do something outgoing. but thats not outgoing its trashy. a nude beach wouldnt bother me. its just that. a nude beach, everyone there is naked. its just different in an area when guys are there mainly for the purpose of picking someone up or just hitting on girls. its the wrong environment for public nudity.

a beach is prolonged nudity. this is a quick flash that she can chicken out of. she's with her girls, got dutch courage, feels in control.

when you brought up your issues, be totally honest here, what was your tone? because here you're coming across as a control freak. of course she'll now want to prove that you don't own her!

by your standards you cheated on her. by her standards you both just need to experience exhibitionism to realise what you truly feel about it. you've done it and decided you don't like it. maybe she'll get there and not go through with it anyway, realising in that moment that it's just not her.

but why is your definition of faithful more valid than hers? especially since you broke it.

we agree that it's trashy. does the trashiness, as a one off, outweigh the rest of your relationship?

 

[dolfette]

Either way, I'm going for coffee with her mother tomorrow, and i am going to ask her advice in this matter.

hold on...you're going to tattle tale to her mother???

i'd dump your sorry arse instantly.
not ok. not ok at all.
did she run to your parents when you did it?
does she tell your granny that you post on a penis site?
has she shown your dad your porn collection?

she's an adult! if you're betraying her confidentiality and running to her mommy to get her onside then you obviously don't respect her as an adult. this is pathetic schoolyard mentality at work.

grow up!

 

[Showerbag]

no. im just drunk and thinking too much. its really not that big of a deal. its a very rare thing, and she never said for sure shes gunna do it. just that she might. I've just had a bad experience with my sister and her friends when they were out being crazy on her birthday. Its just the brotherly instinct because I know her friends too and some of them arent too bright. i trust her fully, and its just goin out with the girls and having fun. nothin more, nothing less. If its an excessively recurring thing then yeah, I guess its a reason to worry but something like this isnt really a big deal. It could raise her confidence alot and open up a land of opportunity for our sexual side of the relationship. Im silly for ever thinking its a really big deal. but yeah, I won't address it anymore. I wont bring it up and just let it be. its better then tension in the relationship. A really caring, loving, understanding bf really wouldnt care if it wasnt anything physical. Its trashy but it could likely happen and ill just have to accept it. Its a stupid thing to get in a fight over unless it actually becomes a problem. Ill just shut up and forget about it. Its her choice, its not betrayal its just fun with the girls right? No one wants to be the only prude in the troupe that isnt having fun. Looking back and readin all of this stuff has shed a bit more light on it. Im sure its fine. thanks for your help though and killing off my stubborn, somewhat chauvanistic ways.

 

[dolfette]

good boy.
better done here than with her.

 

[Curiousguy01]

This arguement with dolfette is getting hilarious. First I think its funny you quoted laws because though I don't think it matters, for the sake of argument flashing is against the law . There is also a difference in streaking on a whim when you are wasted off your ass and planning to go flash a bar tender for her cousins party for free drinks. Although she mentioned it because it was their idea she may just want to be adventurous but her being so blatant about you being controlling when you approached her with your concern is retarded, then again I don't think were getting the whole story. I'm sure you were a little heated when you responded cause of your relationship, you repeatedly mentioned about how you had to wait and they get it for free... they aren't getting it for free she's just doing it to use them. She gives it to you cause she cares about you. There is lots of ways to take this cause emotions are complicated things but you should take a moment to think about it long and hard and talk to her about it and not just blow up into an argument. That's my advice...

 

[sexplease]

time out.

In relationships, people are like columns that hold up a roof:
They must have space between them to work. Too close or too far apart, the roof won't stay up.

This above all else, to thine own self be true.
-William Shakespeare: