Am I being unreasonable or??

Original English Thick Cut

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I have become friends with a female neighbour over the past year and a half. She knows my story long-ago married, two male lovers over the past 20 years; my last lover relationship morphing into a platonic relationship for the past 5 years.

I have/had become quite enamoured with the Woman, sat and held her hand when she was dumped for being too old, helped her make a career transition. When her 20 year-old cat died, I took charge sent her to work while I looked after mew-mew, burying her in the garden and cleaning up all the cat paraphernalia. When Woman came home she said she would never forget what I did.

Throughout the next few months we continued a pleasant platonic relationship, dinner twice a week evening tv, nothing more. However- the great qualifier, I have become somewhat smitten. Now the trouble begins.

Last week-end we had dinner, shared a bottle of wine. Afterwards we were in the kitchen while she had a smoke and I said,"you should know I think about you all the time". Her reaction (in a raised voice) was; "don't think that, I only think of you as a friend. Then continued while I sat open mouthed;"I want a straight man, I know you were married but you have gay boyfriend" Then to reinforce my status as she said something else she pounded her clenched fists together in a rhythmic pounding motion; clearly indicating her view of the fact I had either fucked or been fucked by a man.

I said good-night, she sort of touched my arm as I left. I have never made any physical moves on her. Always the perfect gentleman.

I have been quite shaken by her reaction, three days later I have not heard from her (unusual as she usually calls last thing at night).

So did I do something I should not have? Was her reaction reasonable given the last year and a half? I feel like hell and think she is being very childish; especially considering I'm mid 50's, she is mid 40's.

Any opinion?
 
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molotovmuffin

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I don't think you did anything wrong. Just because you're smitten with her doesn't mean your in love with her and wanting to jump into bed with her. I think she's the one who is wanting to have sex with you and is/was trying to keep herself from jumping your bones.
 

Original English Thick Cut

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Ok, slap me upside the head with a dead trout! I would not have considered that in a million...... Let me clarify; I would like to have a sexual relationship with her, I have never broached that subject. Or I did until she made her gestures which I interpret as "biphobic".

At times her good night hugs have bordered on the sensual.

Thank you for your observation.
 

Twistbarbie

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Why not accept her position without calling her phobic? Why is she childish? Does she HAVE to agree with you. Yes she likes you but she finds the idea of you having sex with men as an issue as would many people.
 

Kotchanski

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You're not being unreasonable.

A lot of women seem to have an issue with bisexual men (take a look at some of the threads asking about it in relationships and women's issues!) in my opinion, these women fall into the small minded morons category, they either can't deal with anything remotely homosexual unless it's at a nice distance, or they believe bisexual means you're a cheating little twat who'll be running around with a million and one men on the side... I'm sure many men would think the same about bisexual women if they weren't so hung up on the possibility of some live girl on girl action!

Does she feel like that? I don't know, but it would certainly be my guess based on what she said, in which case, I wouldn't want her as a friend let alone anything else.

Call her, see how she is and tell her that her comments "confused you" Confused is less confrontational than upset or annoyed, she'll be more likely to give you an honest answer if she doesn't feel you're annoyed and she needs to make you feel better.
 

Original English Thick Cut

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Why not accept her position without calling her phobic? Why is she childish? Does she HAVE to agree with you. Yes she likes you but she finds the idea of you having sex with men as an issue as would many people.
Hi, my reason for stating she was exhibiting bi-phobic behaviour was a) her emphatic gesture slamming one clenched fist into the other rhythmically. B) the tone of voice in general, which was inflammatory at best, condescending at worst.

I have told her I am currently not in any sexual relationship with anyone. I am capable of pledging and observing monogamy.
 
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EllieP

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I guess I have a different read on this. I have a gay male friend with whom I'm very close. However, I'm pretty sure he has no desire to have a sexual relationship with a female. That said, we joke with each other to the point that if a stranger saw us they might get the impression we were having an affair. In fact, he and I even discussed it a few times about what people might think. He thinks it's funny and screw them.

Despite the sexual overtones of our play I have no desire to ever have such a relationship with him. He's my best guy friend. The relationship would not only be changed, but I daresay it would wreck it completely. Oh, and also the fact that I'm married and "pathologically loyal" (I actually had a guy tell me that once - what does that even mean?).

But it sounds like she's giving off mixed signals, and she doesn't really know what she wants.

You did the right thing by just walking away. And I know you're hurt, but you could have been worse off, too.
 

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I'm not sure she should have been so severe. There's a nice way to say things without being a B-word. You seem like a good guy , at least from your perspective.

If it's that much of an issue, then there wasn't that much there to begin with hun.
 

lottie

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If she sees you in the friend zone, then your suggestion sounds like she went yuk? Plus she clearly states that because you've had sex with men, you are a definite no no, for her.

If you still want to be friends then call around and just say hi.
 

Original English Thick Cut

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If she sees you in the friend zone, then your suggestion sounds like she went yuk? Plus she clearly states that because you've had sex with men, you are a definite no no, for her.

If you still want to be friends then call around and just say hi.
Yes she went yuk. Please note I was not yuk in the hundreds of hours we spent together, looking after her, performing most functions of "boyfriend". If she was not interested in me romantically her friendship overlooked the "yuk" factor.

I have no problem with her rejecting my romantic interest. A simple "gee I'm flattered but I don't think of you in that way" would have been sufficient. Being told I was less than a straight man was unconscionable. Clearly I have had a lot more time to think about this than when I sought comments a week ago.

If the yuk factor came to fore solely on the basis of, "you should know I think about you all the time" - and nothing more; I don't need this person cluttering up my life.

Regards
 

Mercurygirl

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What you're thinking is spot on, you are not being unreasonable, you, "don't need this person cluttering your life." Sure, she has a right to decide who she wants to be romantically involved with but for her to blatantly come out and convey that you're gross for even suggesting the idea of relationship is just fucking rude. Forget the fact that it has anything to do with you being bi, although it obviously does, it really comes down to her reaction to your admiration. Let me state that again, ADMIRATION. She's a friend who thought nothing of basically spitting in your face when you told her you liked her. Huh??? Who would want to be friends with someone like that?

You're thinking clearly, it's just as you stated, if she was a real friend she would have simple said she was flattered but not interested. You paid her a compliment, her reaction should have reflected that. Instead she chose to react as if you just asked her to eat dog shit. Fuck her. You're a human being with feelings, she's suppose to be your friend. Surround yourself with people who appreciate and respect you for who you are. It's just sucks you wasted so much time being nice to her as she certainly deserved none of it.

You should dig up her cat and leave it on her doorstep.*





*joking =]
 

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It became yuk for her when your motivation changed from friendly to sexual. Why all the hate? Why is it ok for gay guys on her to think vagina's & the thought of sex with women as disgusting but it's not ok for her to express that to you. Can't be much of a friendship if neither of you can talk about it.
 

Original English Thick Cut

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It became yuk for her when your motivation changed from friendly to sexual. Why all the hate? Why is it ok for gay guys on her to think vagina's & the thought of sex with women as disgusting but it's not ok for her to express that to you. Can't be much of a friendship if neither of you can talk about it.
I won't make friends with misogynist men (gay, straight, or bi), when someone makes a stupid "vaginas are gross" comment; I remind them that that is how we all came into the world. (well those of us who aren't test-tube babies who wre delivered by C-section). No part of our natural body is gross, that is the most infantile expression of all. We are the most beautiful of all nature's creation.

I do not hate her, I pity her impoverishment of spirit.
 
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