Am I falling out of love with my bf? Open relationship?

Tatgardeboi

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Hi,

I'm writing this because I'm at a point that I dont know what to do with my life to be honest... My friends' opinions are certainly good but they are either too harsh or I just cannot take them too serious because they have been learning about this story since 5 years ago...

So, to begin with... I'm a 23 boy who has been dating this other boy for around 5 years now. He was the person that I have ever had sex with and also, my first lover. In these 5 years, I have felt many different emotions: we have fought slightly (but not really) because I felt more like a fuck-buddy to him than a boyfriend... and that is because our ideas of partners and relationships are quite different.

For him, a lover is just someone who you feel very comfortable with and that you can have sex with, and the "special" thing or difference between bestfriends and lovers is that you have a general sense of confidence (and for him, sex is just sex and can be done with anyone, but this is something that I have just learned recently).
For me, a lover is someone that ofc you feel comfortable with and with a very similar sense of relationship, except for the part that I consider that having sex with a stranger is not the same as with ur other special one, and having sex with someone else can be "risky" because it can make the relationship cramble sometimes.

I have always been scared of my own curiosity, and it has always been a strong thing for me. I have both sexual and romantic curiosities, in the sense that I'd like to explore sexually with different people, both men and women and also, I'd like to experiment again the feeling of falling in love and all the drama that comes with it (even if it sounds weird). However, I have always felt lucky that I found my other half, which is my bf, someone who I can connect in many ways and we share so many things in common... That's why, even if I felt like it, I never dared to break our relationship or open it because I didnt wanna risk it in any way...

This next 2 years for me are gonna be full of studying (because I'm preparing for an exam) and I'm having both mornings and afternoons busy with practice at the hospital + studying everyday. I have also started working out and feeling a lot better about myself lately. As this is happening, I'm thinking that I need less and less the attention that he has always given me, and it's not like I have wanted it before but now, even when I receive it, it doesnt feel as special or good as before, if he compliments me it doesnt really feel special and that's such a weird feeling after 5 years...

Last year, I was on an Erasmus and I had quite a few chances of getting laid and making out with different people but I just didnt feel it (I made out with friends but just for fun, it was not serious). However, I felt that during that year, the distance between my boyfriend and I has been growing a lot. The time that we spent talking, the things that we talked about, the interests that we had, how we viewed life, how we think about our needs...

This summer felt almost as if we were friends, we didnt have sex, we didnt have time to talk because neither of us decided to do a change in our schedules for the other... He says that it's because he was expecting us to have the whole year together now.. and that ended up with me talking to me seriously...

In this serious conversation, I told him that he shouldn't act as if our relationship and love is eternal, and always prioritize other plans that the ones that we should also do as a couple. He expected me to always be there for him and I made him the question: "What if I had decided to break up with you last year?, what if we broke up now? Would you regret now not giving our relationship the time that it deserves? After that, a few weeks passed and I started to feel super bad, because as I said, his lifestyle is just so much different from before and from mine: techno parties with lots of drugs, smoking weed everyday, playing videogames (which is ok because I do the same), smoking cigarettes (which I hate :(((( ). Just, there have been so many things that he has started doing that are so negative to me and that I feel that affect our relationship.

I decided to tell him all of these things that disturbed me: the prospective of "our future together", which was feeling weird to me, the drugs, the cigarettes, the parties, the mood... and also, that I wasnt sure if what I felt at that moment was love or just care/familiar love. This last thing destroyed him, and I even told him that this summer, I even started talking randomly to some people and noticed that I was being flirty but more than ever... (like if I was lacking attention or love idk). After that, we decided to take a few weeks talking and re-taking dates to see how it was and well, there were mixed feelings.

Now we are back together, but he asked me to open the relationship because after our talk, he rethought about our relationship and told me that he was also curious about experiment with other people but he was scared of telling me because he didnt want to see me sad/angry/bothered and he told me: You are my priority but I'd like to experiment. I decided that for me it was Ok because this way I could experiment (even though I dont want to and I dont really have the time for that), or so I thought...

Just 4 days after, he went to a techno party with friends. I love that he is making new friends even if it's in these environments because he loves these kind of parties now but well. He told me that he made out with a girl, which was ok because it was random, the girl just wanted to make out with someone and he said: with me if u want to.. But, on the same night, he was dancing with another guy and he felt a good vibe, so they started talking and the other guy asked him if they could kiss and well, they made out. This is what he told me yesterday night, and I felt weird idk if it was bad or good, just so so surprised that he did it this soon... And well, after that he started kissing me, i didnt know what to say or how to normalize the conversation after what he had just told me, so I just went on with the kissing and making out but I just felt so out of place and uncomfortable, his mouth tasted like cigarettes and that combined with the strange feeling that I was carrying, I just couldnt get hard at all even if he was giving me a blowjob... I just felt so strange like goddamn....

We stopped, then had dinner and everything was back to normal, it was OK! And it's almost as if I had forgotten about what he had told me. We had sex this morning and well, it worked out perfectly but I felt as if I didnt really enjoy the sex that much (he came really fast and after that, instead of thinking of him while cumming, I started thinking about other sexual situations with other people...)

Almost feels like I'm lying to myself just to keep on going with this relationship. I love him so much, I still think he's adorable and so cute and handsome, but there are also so many things that I dont like anymore about him now (specially things that are not related to his personality, but more about his lifestyle. Feeling like I'm always with someone who smokes weed 24/7 and also cigarettes, that has no interests in his future and just in enjoying the moment... Am I being too selfish for asking for more from him? Do I really need more from him? I dont want him to change for me, but he has changed in many senses so much lately that I dont even feel like I'm dating the same person that I once did... idk there are so many questions on my head that I dont know how to answer so I'm just vibing with it and enjoying the present moment, working hard on myself and my studies to become a professional soon!
 

Stephenmass

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It sounds as if the two of you don't start working on your relationship (assuming you want it to work) it's on it's last legs. Just make sure if it breaks at some point, it isn't something you'll look back on and wish you still had or worked harder to keep. One sentence that jumped out at me a bit was "someone who I can connect in many ways and we share so many things in common..". That is not easy to find. He has some habits you don't enjoy; I'm sure you have some that he doesn't enjoy. All couples, sometimes when making love IMO think of someone else occasionally. I think that part is normal. Both of you have to decide if what you have now is worth working on and if it is both of you giving your best effort. If both aren't on the same page, the work "won't work".
 
D

deleted18388141

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Your questions at the end are answers!
you are used to him!
personally: i don t believe in ipen relationships because it think it s friends with benefits!
when u love someone you can t share him.
for me it seems you two grew up into different directions and different mindsets which is normal!
i d say.. take a break and think what is it you dream of for yourself! You still can have affection for him as a close friend
 

JSS.JLk

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Hi,

I'm writing this because I'm at a point that I dont know what to do with my life to be honest... My friends' opinions are certainly good but they are either too harsh or I just cannot take them too serious because they have been learning about this story since 5 years ago...

So, to begin with... I'm a 23 boy who has been dating this other boy for around 5 years now. He was the person that I have ever had sex with and also, my first lover. In these 5 years, I have felt many different emotions: we have fought slightly (but not really) because I felt more like a fuck-buddy to him than a boyfriend... and that is because our ideas of partners and relationships are quite different.

For him, a lover is just someone who you feel very comfortable with and that you can have sex with, and the "special" thing or difference between bestfriends and lovers is that you have a general sense of confidence (and for him, sex is just sex and can be done with anyone, but this is something that I have just learned recently).
For me, a lover is someone that ofc you feel comfortable with and with a very similar sense of relationship, except for the part that I consider that having sex with a stranger is not the same as with ur other special one, and having sex with someone else can be "risky" because it can make the relationship cramble sometimes.

I have always been scared of my own curiosity, and it has always been a strong thing for me. I have both sexual and romantic curiosities, in the sense that I'd like to explore sexually with different people, both men and women and also, I'd like to experiment again the feeling of falling in love and all the drama that comes with it (even if it sounds weird). However, I have always felt lucky that I found my other half, which is my bf, someone who I can connect in many ways and we share so many things in common... That's why, even if I felt like it, I never dared to break our relationship or open it because I didnt wanna risk it in any way...

This next 2 years for me are gonna be full of studying (because I'm preparing for an exam) and I'm having both mornings and afternoons busy with practice at the hospital + studying everyday. I have also started working out and feeling a lot better about myself lately. As this is happening, I'm thinking that I need less and less the attention that he has always given me, and it's not like I have wanted it before but now, even when I receive it, it doesnt feel as special or good as before, if he compliments me it doesnt really feel special and that's such a weird feeling after 5 years...

Last year, I was on an Erasmus and I had quite a few chances of getting laid and making out with different people but I just didnt feel it (I made out with friends but just for fun, it was not serious). However, I felt that during that year, the distance between my boyfriend and I has been growing a lot. The time that we spent talking, the things that we talked about, the interests that we had, how we viewed life, how we think about our needs...

This summer felt almost as if we were friends, we didnt have sex, we didnt have time to talk because neither of us decided to do a change in our schedules for the other... He says that it's because he was expecting us to have the whole year together now.. and that ended up with me talking to me seriously...

In this serious conversation, I told him that he shouldn't act as if our relationship and love is eternal, and always prioritize other plans that the ones that we should also do as a couple. He expected me to always be there for him and I made him the question: "What if I had decided to break up with you last year?, what if we broke up now? Would you regret now not giving our relationship the time that it deserves? After that, a few weeks passed and I started to feel super bad, because as I said, his lifestyle is just so much different from before and from mine: techno parties with lots of drugs, smoking weed everyday, playing videogames (which is ok because I do the same), smoking cigarettes (which I hate :(((( ). Just, there have been so many things that he has started doing that are so negative to me and that I feel that affect our relationship.

I decided to tell him all of these things that disturbed me: the prospective of "our future together", which was feeling weird to me, the drugs, the cigarettes, the parties, the mood... and also, that I wasnt sure if what I felt at that moment was love or just care/familiar love. This last thing destroyed him, and I even told him that this summer, I even started talking randomly to some people and noticed that I was being flirty but more than ever... (like if I was lacking attention or love idk). After that, we decided to take a few weeks talking and re-taking dates to see how it was and well, there were mixed feelings.

Now we are back together, but he asked me to open the relationship because after our talk, he rethought about our relationship and told me that he was also curious about experiment with other people but he was scared of telling me because he didnt want to see me sad/angry/bothered and he told me: You are my priority but I'd like to experiment. I decided that for me it was Ok because this way I could experiment (even though I dont want to and I dont really have the time for that), or so I thought...

Just 4 days after, he went to a techno party with friends. I love that he is making new friends even if it's in these environments because he loves these kind of parties now but well. He told me that he made out with a girl, which was ok because it was random, the girl just wanted to make out with someone and he said: with me if u want to.. But, on the same night, he was dancing with another guy and he felt a good vibe, so they started talking and the other guy asked him if they could kiss and well, they made out. This is what he told me yesterday night, and I felt weird idk if it was bad or good, just so so surprised that he did it this soon... And well, after that he started kissing me, i didnt know what to say or how to normalize the conversation after what he had just told me, so I just went on with the kissing and making out but I just felt so out of place and uncomfortable, his mouth tasted like cigarettes and that combined with the strange feeling that I was carrying, I just couldnt get hard at all even if he was giving me a blowjob... I just felt so strange like goddamn....

We stopped, then had dinner and everything was back to normal, it was OK! And it's almost as if I had forgotten about what he had told me. We had sex this morning and well, it worked out perfectly but I felt as if I didnt really enjoy the sex that much (he came really fast and after that, instead of thinking of him while cumming, I started thinking about other sexual situations with other people...)

Almost feels like I'm lying to myself just to keep on going with this relationship. I love him so much, I still think he's adorable and so cute and handsome, but there are also so many things that I dont like anymore about him now (specially things that are not related to his personality, but more about his lifestyle. Feeling like I'm always with someone who smokes weed 24/7 and also cigarettes, that has no interests in his future and just in enjoying the moment... Am I being too selfish for asking for more from him? Do I really need more from him? I dont want him to change for me, but he has changed in many senses so much lately that I dont even feel like I'm dating the same person that I once did... idk there are so many questions on my head that I dont know how to answer so I'm just vibing with it and enjoying the present moment, working hard on myself and my studies to become a professional soon!
Welcome to MARRIED life (though you are not married, THAT'S how it is) Everything you are thinking, feeling and going through are 100% completely normal.

You are highly fortunate to have found each other and are together as long as you have been.

Best believe, that you will NEVER find *this* again. You are The Exception to the Rule of, Gay Men don't stick together for more than a few weeks/months.

Most HETEROSEXUAL relationships start just like yours did and at the age that it did. Most would have toed the knot by now and IN THIS COUNTRY, it is now LEGAL in most States for LGBT marriages so...count your blessings!!!!!
 

User5726

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I've been with the same guy, married legally, now since 2011. 12 years. Let me tell you that I have been through it all in my life. Not bragging, it wasn't that fun...although it had its moments.

The problem is that you never got to be single and explore. Next, in an effort to do so you kinda shafted the boy you obviously love by not being totally truthful with him about it — you went the open relationship route. Look, all it takes is one fuck with one guy and you're in love with him and you're BF knows that. He's obviously scared of losing you, but, also not that into you just doing whatever you want as far as sex goes.

Because you don't even know yourself — right? You don't know where that journey ends. What odd thing you may discover or kink or whatever — in the back of his mind, he'll assume the worst. Something such as you saying you got a one off BJ and it turns out you got plowed by 6 dudes in a Motel 6 and you don't even remember that.

So now, now, you're in the spot where he doesn't really trust you and your insecurities and curiosities will end up ruining your relationship.

Sounds like you need to make a decision to either commit or tap out bro.
 
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Brokecanadian

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Your questions at the end are answers!
you are used to him!
personally: i don t believe in ipen relationships because it think it s friends with benefits!
when u love someone you can t share him.
for me it seems you two grew up into different directions and different mindsets which is normal!
i d say.. take a break and think what is it you dream of for yourself! You still can have affection for him as a close friend
I completely agree. I can’t fathom an open relationship with my bf (although he’s proposed it before) because it would severely hurt me emotionally. If my bf hooked up with someone else, even though he says he can separate sex and feelings, I would still be very upset and jealous. Sex is intimate and as you said, the concept of of “sharing” him angers me. You’re with me and nobody else. Sexual acts are between us only. An open relationship would not work with me.
 

playklax01

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My ex and I were together for 25 years, 14 of them married. Then we divorced because of...reasons. He wasn't my first relationship, so I knew what to expect when we separated. The first breakup is the hardest, the rest don't hurt as much but they're still painful. Even if you want the breakup, it will still hit you pretty hard. To ease you, your story sounds very similar to many others I have known. No relationship is perfect. There's always compromise involved.

You got in this relationship EARLY in your experiences. Personally I typically don't take any relationship before age 21 as being really serious, with myself or other people. There are exceptions, of course. A friend in school had a girlfriend all through high school. They graduated, got married, had kids. I was happy for them, but also shocked that it worked for them.

Experimenting together with other people can help or it can hurt the relationship. Being so young, you never got to see what else is out there. IMO, that techno party was a good experiment and I'm sure it's still leaving you with lots of mixed thoughts and emotions.

With my ex, we started involving 3rd parties in the bedroom. More for him, I was fine in that regard. Plus, I'm demisexual, so I really can't get into the sex with someone I don't know anything about. I can go through the motions and still pretend I'm enjoying it. This helped for a while, but it just prolonged the inevitable.

All in all, you really just need to think things through and discover what you really want. Remember, it may not be what you think right now. And 5 years may feel like such a long time at your age, but as you get older, and compared to the universe, it's just a blip. But I'm not saying move on, and I'm not saying to stay. Communication is always key! Get your thoughts together, write them down, set some time to talk to him in a meaningful manner. There's couple's therapy too if you feel that's warranted.
 

ClandestineBovine

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Honestly, it just sounds like it's time for the relationship to end. People grow in different directions, mainly if you started dating seriously before you finished developing. I'm not even remotely the same guy I was when I was 18, when I moved away to college and had the opportunity to come out of my shell my family and friends said I was like a new person, it's because I was.

Open relationships don't save relationships (I've been in one for 8 years now) because they are really going to awaken you to who your partner is when they're not with you, and if you're a person who defines yourself by validation from your partner/having a partner, it's going to go bad. It sounds like the only reason the open relationship was brought up is that you've never had partners other than each other.

Live your life, you're still young take the opportunity to get to know yourself as a single adult.
 
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Sandymat

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Once you explore and if you realize what you had is want you want , will you be able to get back together ? Grass always looks greener on the other side
 
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Twunk2001

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It sounds as if the two of you don't start working on your relationship (assuming you want it to work) it's on it's last legs. Just make sure if it breaks at some point, it isn't something you'll look back on and wish you still had or worked harder to keep. One sentence that jumped out at me a bit was "someone who I can connect in many ways and we share so many things in common..". That is not easy to find. He has some habits you don't enjoy; I'm sure you have some that he doesn't enjoy. All couples, sometimes when making love IMO think of someone else occasionally. I think that part is normal. Both of you have to decide if what you have now is worth working on and if it is both of you giving your best effort. If both aren't on the same page, the work "won't work".
Just end the relationship
 

fword

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I completely agree. I can’t fathom an open relationship with my bf (although he’s proposed it before) because it would severely hurt me emotionally. If my bf hooked up with someone else, even though he says he can separate sex and feelings, I would still be very upset and jealous. Sex is intimate and as you said, the concept of of “sharing” him angers me. You’re with me and nobody else. Sexual acts are between us only. An open relationship would not work with me.
But if you love someone you must set them free. If it’s truly love they will come back to you. Being angry at the thought of sharing them seems codependent, selfish, and needy.
 
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D

deleted9783851

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Hi,

I'm writing this because I'm at a point that I dont know what to do with my life to be honest... My friends' opinions are certainly good but they are either too harsh or I just cannot take them too serious because they have been learning about this story since 5 years ago...

So, to begin with... I'm a 23 boy who has been dating this other boy for around 5 years now. He was the person that I have ever had sex with and also, my first lover. In these 5 years, I have felt many different emotions: we have fought slightly (but not really) because I felt more like a fuck-buddy to him than a boyfriend... and that is because our ideas of partners and relationships are quite different.

For him, a lover is just someone who you feel very comfortable with and that you can have sex with, and the "special" thing or difference between bestfriends and lovers is that you have a general sense of confidence (and for him, sex is just sex and can be done with anyone, but this is something that I have just learned recently).
For me, a lover is someone that ofc you feel comfortable with and with a very similar sense of relationship, except for the part that I consider that having sex with a stranger is not the same as with ur other special one, and having sex with someone else can be "risky" because it can make the relationship cramble sometimes.

I have always been scared of my own curiosity, and it has always been a strong thing for me. I have both sexual and romantic curiosities, in the sense that I'd like to explore sexually with different people, both men and women and also, I'd like to experiment again the feeling of falling in love and all the drama that comes with it (even if it sounds weird). However, I have always felt lucky that I found my other half, which is my bf, someone who I can connect in many ways and we share so many things in common... That's why, even if I felt like it, I never dared to break our relationship or open it because I didnt wanna risk it in any way...

This next 2 years for me are gonna be full of studying (because I'm preparing for an exam) and I'm having both mornings and afternoons busy with practice at the hospital + studying everyday. I have also started working out and feeling a lot better about myself lately. As this is happening, I'm thinking that I need less and less the attention that he has always given me, and it's not like I have wanted it before but now, even when I receive it, it doesnt feel as special or good as before, if he compliments me it doesnt really feel special and that's such a weird feeling after 5 years...

Last year, I was on an Erasmus and I had quite a few chances of getting laid and making out with different people but I just didnt feel it (I made out with friends but just for fun, it was not serious). However, I felt that during that year, the distance between my boyfriend and I has been growing a lot. The time that we spent talking, the things that we talked about, the interests that we had, how we viewed life, how we think about our needs...

This summer felt almost as if we were friends, we didnt have sex, we didnt have time to talk because neither of us decided to do a change in our schedules for the other... He says that it's because he was expecting us to have the whole year together now.. and that ended up with me talking to me seriously...

In this serious conversation, I told him that he shouldn't act as if our relationship and love is eternal, and always prioritize other plans that the ones that we should also do as a couple. He expected me to always be there for him and I made him the question: "What if I had decided to break up with you last year?, what if we broke up now? Would you regret now not giving our relationship the time that it deserves? After that, a few weeks passed and I started to feel super bad, because as I said, his lifestyle is just so much different from before and from mine: techno parties with lots of drugs, smoking weed everyday, playing videogames (which is ok because I do the same), smoking cigarettes (which I hate :(((( ). Just, there have been so many things that he has started doing that are so negative to me and that I feel that affect our relationship.

I decided to tell him all of these things that disturbed me: the prospective of "our future together", which was feeling weird to me, the drugs, the cigarettes, the parties, the mood... and also, that I wasnt sure if what I felt at that moment was love or just care/familiar love. This last thing destroyed him, and I even told him that this summer, I even started talking randomly to some people and noticed that I was being flirty but more than ever... (like if I was lacking attention or love idk). After that, we decided to take a few weeks talking and re-taking dates to see how it was and well, there were mixed feelings.

Now we are back together, but he asked me to open the relationship because after our talk, he rethought about our relationship and told me that he was also curious about experiment with other people but he was scared of telling me because he didnt want to see me sad/angry/bothered and he told me: You are my priority but I'd like to experiment. I decided that for me it was Ok because this way I could experiment (even though I dont want to and I dont really have the time for that), or so I thought...

Just 4 days after, he went to a techno party with friends. I love that he is making new friends even if it's in these environments because he loves these kind of parties now but well. He told me that he made out with a girl, which was ok because it was random, the girl just wanted to make out with someone and he said: with me if u want to.. But, on the same night, he was dancing with another guy and he felt a good vibe, so they started talking and the other guy asked him if they could kiss and well, they made out. This is what he told me yesterday night, and I felt weird idk if it was bad or good, just so so surprised that he did it this soon... And well, after that he started kissing me, i didnt know what to say or how to normalize the conversation after what he had just told me, so I just went on with the kissing and making out but I just felt so out of place and uncomfortable, his mouth tasted like cigarettes and that combined with the strange feeling that I was carrying, I just couldnt get hard at all even if he was giving me a blowjob... I just felt so strange like goddamn....

We stopped, then had dinner and everything was back to normal, it was OK! And it's almost as if I had forgotten about what he had told me. We had sex this morning and well, it worked out perfectly but I felt as if I didnt really enjoy the sex that much (he came really fast and after that, instead of thinking of him while cumming, I started thinking about other sexual situations with other people...)

Almost feels like I'm lying to myself just to keep on going with this relationship. I love him so much, I still think he's adorable and so cute and handsome, but there are also so many things that I dont like anymore about him now (specially things that are not related to his personality, but more about his lifestyle. Feeling like I'm always with someone who smokes weed 24/7 and also cigarettes, that has no interests in his future and just in enjoying the moment... Am I being too selfish for asking for more from him? Do I really need more from him? I dont want him to change for me, but he has changed in many senses so much lately that I dont even feel like I'm dating the same person that I once did... idk there are so many questions on my head that I dont know how to answer so I'm just vibing with it and enjoying the present moment, working hard on myself and my studies to become a professional soon!
Careful with diseases!
Now you know this relation is over. You can’t expect validation from strangers! Just grow a pair, move on!
 

Tatgardeboi

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Sorry for not updating the story guys!

I almost forgot that I posted the story here tbhonest because time has been a lil rough...

So, as time went by and we opened the relationship, I started to notice that I was feeling less interested, more worried about everything surrounding him and bothered everytime we were supposed to meet. Since this problem had been on my mind since July/August, I think I was ready to break up with my boyfriend but I was feeling ok (just worried whenever we saw each other but I guess that's not ok)...

So, we met again after that 1 week of opening the relationship and well, he went to a techno party again and was somehow rushing me to meet up so I thought that maybe he had gone further than last time with another person and well, it was exactly what happened :no_mouth:

After he told me that, we talked seriously about our relationship status.. how we were both trying hard to make it work without getting good results, being both worried everytime we met. Me being too independant and not wanting to find time to spend together while he was finding my "love" and warmth in other's people temporary love and affection... at the end there was no point in going on together... So we decided to break up there.

It has been a month and a half or so since we broke up and things are going pretty good for me, not because Im meeting new people but because I feel very free! On the other hand, he had a slight relapse? and well, we talked about how he felt about the relationship, how I was super cold towards him (although I was really not) and well.... Now he's feeling in peace and we have decided to keep it going as friends!

Thank you all for your messages and your support :heart: although I handled things on my own at the end! I was also super busy studying for my exams so I didnt even notice :(