Am I In The Wrong? [relationship Advice]

MrAnonymousGuy

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Hi all, I need some advice.

I might have done something that might've upset my boyfriend. One of his roommates is this very attractive 45 year old man. We both always make jokes about how attractive he is (between us) and joke about what dirty things we want to do with him. It happened this weekend when we were at his apartment. My boyfriend took a nap and I sorta kinda snuck out of his room and went into the kitchen where his roommate keeps his hamper. I'm MUCH kinkier than my boyfriend and so I went to kitchen and sniffed a few articles of clothing from his roommate. I got such a kick from it. When my boyfriend woke up, I felt sorta guilty and I do love and care about him, so I told him the truth. He was a bit upset that I would do this behind his back because he believes I invaded his roommates privacy and that I let my kink get the best of me. I told him that I just couldn't help it. Now we're kind of in a weird place and I'm not sure what to do from here.
 

japetty

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You could help it, it was choices you made! You owned up with your bad choice you made with invading someones privacy and be ready to accept the consequences that come and move on to the future with your life. It has nothing to do with the hamper being in a common space. Does not make any difference when you are the guest in these living quarters.
 

spaj8987

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You are indeed obviously in the wrong. You were in the right with telling them what you did but i highly doubt given the circumstances that that'll help you out much. One of the reasons not to let your desires or kinks get the best of you is because the second you decide to act on them control becomes less certain. Not just with you but your amount of control within a relationship. It's up to them now if they want to forgive you. Up to them if they want to keep the relationship going or take a break. You allowed them to have a certain amount of control with rightfully telling them but since you did it that may not account for much.

Not an expert in relationships. Not a doctor of any kind but i'm guessing all you can do now is wait while being in more control of yourself.
 

Phil Ayesho

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There's only 2 possible reasons you told him.
1 In the hope he would get a kick out of it too.

2- If you genuinely felt bad about doing it- you told him in hope of getting absolution...

Contrary to the views expressed above, this is NOT doing the "right thing" - its you transferring the burden of dealing with your questionable actions to your boyfriend. Now its HIS problem.

when it didn't have to be.

What you did harmed no one except your own conscience. Your boyfriend did not NEED to know you did it, and it would not be breaking faith to not tell him. Like it or not, you do NOT tell him Everything you think and do. No one does.

We curate what we share with others.

perfect honesty is NOT always a good thing.
I do not NEED to know if my wife is fantasizing about brad pitt when we fuck... as long as she is fucking ME.
It would serve no purpose for me to know but to make me feel bad. ( its one thing if I ask her who she fantasizes about as part of sex play- its something else entirely for her to volunteer the info un-requested.)

When people confess to their mates of things they feel bad about, its always a strategy that exonerates you because you were "honest" and allows you to blame your mate for not being "forgiving" if it turns out they can not deal with it.


with something like this- if you genuinely felt ashamed of it, the brave action is to shoulder the weight of your own shame, alone, and never do it again.
That is penance enough.

A man carries his own water.
 
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ohiorod

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My best advice is to apologize with sincerity and to tell your bf that you realize that you should not have violated the privacy and your roommate’s status in the house.
It could be that the two of you are not a good match if you truly feel that you cannot contain your actions. Either way, you need to learn a life lesson from this about respecting others. If the bf is not forgiving, then take the situation as a lesson learned and don’t make the same mistake with someone else.
Good luck in getting this resolved!
 

MrAnonymousGuy

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There's only 2 possible reasons you told him.
1 In the hope he would get a kick out of it too.

2- If you genuinely felt bad about doing it- you told him in hope of getting absolution...

Contrary to the views expressed above, this is NOT doing the "right thing" - its you transferring the burden of dealing with your questionable actions to your boyfriend. Now its HIS problem.

when it didn't have to be.

What you did harmed no one except your own conscience. Your boyfriend did not NEED to know you did it, and it would not be breaking faith to not tell him. Like it or not, you do NOT tell him Everything you think and do. No one does.

We curate what we share with others.

perfect honesty is NOT always a good thing.
I do not NEED to know if my wife is fantasizing about brad pitt when we fuck... as long as she is fucking ME.
It would serve no purpose for me to know but to make me feel bad. ( its one thing if I ask her who she fantasizes about as part of sex play- its something else entirely for her to volunteer the info un-requested.)

When people confess to their mates of things they feel bad about, its always a strategy that exonerates you because you were "honest" and allows you to blame your mate for not being "forgiving" if it turns out they can not deal with it.


with something like this- if you genuinely felt ashamed of it, the brave action is to shoulder the weight of your own shame, alone, and never do it again.
That is penance enough.

A man carries his own water.
I really like your very thoughtful response. It's very wise. Thank you so much.
 

Gj816

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I've never understood why some people do things, feel guilty about it. Then tell on themselves?
Loose lips sink ships.

I'm wondering if the boyfriend's roommate had had sex with you, if you'd have run and told the boyfriend that? My guess is probably not.

Perhaps you did tell the boyfriend thinking you'd get the shock value from him? If that's the case then, well done.