Am I Jealous Or?...

Jayden Pena

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Ok so I’ve been having this problem for a while and I don’t know how to really explain it but here it goes. I’ve been friends with this guy for about a year now and we met because my other friend invited him over to the lake last year with us. My friend which is a girl, and this guy have known eachother for about two years at the time and are really close and are each others Bestfriend. The three of us sort of bonded and been a trio since then. Although it wasn’t really until this summer that things started to kinda change. Every time we hung out it was always the three of us together or me with my girl friend or my girl friend with him. But never me and him alone. I couldn’t help but notice this and wanted to change that so I would try to set up plans for us to hangout but it would never happen because something would always come up with him and he would cancel. I didn’t think much of it at first but after 3 times of plans being canceled I started to feel some type of way. All the while I would also notice the difference in the way he would be excited and happy to see and hangout with my girl friend when the 3 of us we’re together but I would just get a “Hey” and a handshake. This went on for awhile and now it’s at the point where I can’t help but get a little angry whenever he sees her and gets excited and doesn’t show that same excitement towards me. I’ve tried a couple more times to hangout with him one on one and he would still turn me down it’s only happened once because I showed up without saying anything. I just really want to get closer to the guy and have a guy friend because I’ve never really had one. I’m gay and all my friends have been girls up until this point guys were nothing more than acquaintances. I feel like there’s other details I should include but the post is already long enough but I can answer any questions. Am I jealous? Am I developing feelings for him? I can’t imagine being in a romantic relationship with him so I don’t think so but maybe that doesn’t matter. Or is he just being a messed up friend...
 
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GorillaHorse

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It sounds like you are overthinking it.

He is probably uneasy about you possibly being into him just as you are confused about possibly being into him.

How long have you known him and how long have you been trying to get closer to him?
 

Jayden Pena

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It sounds like you are overthinking it.

He is probably uneasy about you possibly being into him just as you are confused about possibly being into him.

How long have you known him and how long have you been trying to get closer to him?

Ive known him just over a year now. And I started wanting to get closer to him like two or three months ago I’d say. I wouldn’t bother him and ask him everyday to hangout just every once in awhile. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was just overthinking all of this I tend to do that a lot with problems.
 

Jayden Pena

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I would also like to add that we do get along great and have things in common. I just don’t want our friendship to be only when it’s the three of us together. I want to have a bond just me and him just like he and I have with my girl friend. I could ask her anytime to hang even if it’s just to sit around and do nothing and she’ll say yes but with him it’s like he doesn’t want to. Lol I really do overthink‍♂️
 
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Ok so I’ve been having this problem for a while and I don’t know how to really explain it but here it goes. I’ve been friends with this guy for about a year now and we met because my other friend invited him over to the lake last year with us. My friend which is a girl, and this guy have known eachother for about two years at the time and are really close and are each others Bestfriend. The three of us sort of bonded and been a trio since then. Although it wasn’t really until this summer that things started to kinda change. Every time we hung out it was always the three of us together or me with my girl friend or my girl friend with him. But never me and him alone. I couldn’t help but notice this and wanted to change that so I would try to set up plans for us to hangout but it would never happen because something would always come up with him and he would cancel. I didn’t think much of it at first but after 3 times of plans being canceled I started to feel some type of way. All the while I would also notice the difference in the way he would be excited and happy to see and hangout with my girl friend when the 3 of us we’re together but I would just get a “Hey” and a handshake. This went on for awhile and now it’s at the point where I can’t help but get a little angry whenever he sees her and gets excited and doesn’t show that same excitement towards me. I’ve tried a couple more times to hangout with him one on one and he would still turn me down it’s only happened once because I showed up without saying anything. I just really want to get closer to the guy and have a guy friend because I’ve never really had one. I’m gay and all my friends have been girls up until this point guys were nothing more than acquaintances. I feel like there’s other details I should include but the post is already long enough but I can answer any questions. Am I jealous? Am I developing feelings for him? I can’t imagine being in a romantic relationship with him so I don’t think so but maybe that doesn’t matter. Or is he just being a messed up friend...
Well, if they are best friends and have known each other longer than you, then they have something that predates your 'trio'. Is it possible that you've invested more in the idea of the trio (and getting closer to him) than he has? Possibly he sees you more as the friend of his best friend. Not so surprising that he gets more excited seeing her than you? I think you are a little jealous, frankly, and it's likely he's aware of the vibe, and wants to steer clear of it. He has no romantic interest in you, I'd guess, and less investment in the 'threesome'. Possibly he's also a little jealous of your newer relationship with his bestie? Dunno. But I wouldn’t try to engineer hangouts with him alone or try to get closer at a pace he's not comfortable with (or at all) or indeed use her to get closer to him. It'll end badly. My 2 cents.
 

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Ok so I’ve been having this problem for a while and I don’t know how to really explain it but here it goes. I’ve been friends with this guy for about a year now and we met because my other friend invited him over to the lake last year with us. My friend which is a girl, and this guy have known eachother for about two years at the time and are really close and are each others Bestfriend. The three of us sort of bonded and been a trio since then. Although it wasn’t really until this summer that things started to kinda change. Every time we hung out it was always the three of us together or me with my girl friend or my girl friend with him. But never me and him alone. I couldn’t help but notice this and wanted to change that so I would try to set up plans for us to hangout but it would never happen because something would always come up with him and he would cancel. I didn’t think much of it at first but after 3 times of plans being canceled I started to feel some type of way. All the while I would also notice the difference in the way he would be excited and happy to see and hangout with my girl friend when the 3 of us we’re together but I would just get a “Hey” and a handshake. This went on for awhile and now it’s at the point where I can’t help but get a little angry whenever he sees her and gets excited and doesn’t show that same excitement towards me. I’ve tried a couple more times to hangout with him one on one and he would still turn me down it’s only happened once because I showed up without saying anything. I just really want to get closer to the guy and have a guy friend because I’ve never really had one. I’m gay and all my friends have been girls up until this point guys were nothing more than acquaintances. I feel like there’s other details I should include but the post is already long enough but I can answer any questions. Am I jealous? Am I developing feelings for him? I can’t imagine being in a romantic relationship with him so I don’t think so but maybe that doesn’t matter. Or is he just being a messed up friend...
I really find it hard to believe you don't know by now if you don't have any feelings at all for him . Even if I'm incorrect there is a time and a place for girl "friends" for gay guys things without the female being around. What kind of things are you suggesting for just you and him when it never happens? I imagine with your plans being canceled all the time it would make me kind of jealous too of her . I know it's hard to make friends in this day and age but how come you don't have any other gay male friends? Maybe you should be upfront with him. Say hey, theres an all male revue down at the Glory Hole Lounge on Saturday night, just you and I thought? It's not a place where a woman would feel very welcome if you know what I mean . Then throw in a hey and stress to him that this is not a date, i really haven't felt that way about you . Don't say the last part if you are sure about it yet .
 
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michael_3165

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Ok so I’ve been having this problem for a while and I don’t know how to really explain it but here it goes. I’ve been friends with this guy for about a year now and we met because my other friend invited him over to the lake last year with us. My friend which is a girl, and this guy have known eachother for about two years at the time and are really close and are each others Bestfriend. The three of us sort of bonded and been a trio since then. Although it wasn’t really until this summer that things started to kinda change. Every time we hung out it was always the three of us together or me with my girl friend or my girl friend with him. But never me and him alone. I couldn’t help but notice this and wanted to change that so I would try to set up plans for us to hangout but it would never happen because something would always come up with him and he would cancel. I didn’t think much of it at first but after 3 times of plans being canceled I started to feel some type of way. All the while I would also notice the difference in the way he would be excited and happy to see and hangout with my girl friend when the 3 of us we’re together but I would just get a “Hey” and a handshake. This went on for awhile and now it’s at the point where I can’t help but get a little angry whenever he sees her and gets excited and doesn’t show that same excitement towards me. I’ve tried a couple more times to hangout with him one on one and he would still turn me down it’s only happened once because I showed up without saying anything. I just really want to get closer to the guy and have a guy friend because I’ve never really had one. I’m gay and all my friends have been girls up until this point guys were nothing more than acquaintances. I feel like there’s other details I should include but the post is already long enough but I can answer any questions. Am I jealous? Am I developing feelings for him? I can’t imagine being in a romantic relationship with him so I don’t think so but maybe that doesn’t matter. Or is he just being a messed up friend...

Awww be my friend :p
 

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Well, if they are best friends and have known each other longer than you, then they have something that predates your 'trio'. Is it possible that you've invested more in the idea of the trio (and getting closer to him) than he has? Possibly he sees you more as the friend of his best friend. Not so surprising that he gets more excited seeing her than you? I think you are a little jealous, frankly, and it's likely he's aware of the vibe, and wants to steer clear of it. He has no romantic interest in you, I'd guess, and less investment in the 'threesome'. Possibly he's also a little jealous of your newer relationship with his bestie? Dunno. But I wouldn’t try to engineer hangouts with him alone or try to get closer at a pace he's not comfortable with (or at all) or indeed use her to get closer to him. It'll end badly. My 2 cents.

Yeah I agree with you it’s definitely for the best I stop trying to force it on him. I’ve actually known her longer we went to middle school and high school together but never really bonded outside of school until senior year and obviously even more after graduation. They have known eachother for 3 years and met because she got a job at the restaurant he was working in and I guess they just got to be really good friends after a while. I do agree with him seeing me more as the friend of his best friend because I literally thought that when this whole situation first started and that’s just what it feels like. To be honest I’ve confronted him about this before not so long ago already telling him that it feels like he doesn’t really want to be my friend, that I feel like just a friend of a friend to him. I told him about wanting to hangout more and all he brought up was the one time we actually did hangout but it was because I just showed up without asking nor saying anything. He says that we are friends but idk. Even after talking to him about it a few weeks ago it still feels like I’m not.
 
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Jayden Pena

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I really find it hard to believe you don't know by now if you don't have any feelings at all for him . Even if I'm incorrect there is a time and a place for girl "friends" for gay guys things without the female being around. What kind of things are you suggesting for just you and him when it never happens? I imagine with your plans being canceled all the time it would make me kind of jealous too of her . I know it's hard to make friends in this day and age but how come you don't have any other gay male friends? Maybe you should be upfront with him. Say hey, theres an all male revue down at the Glory Hole Lounge on Saturday night, just you and I thought? It's not a place where a woman would feel very welcome if you know what I mean . Then throw in a hey and stress to him that this is not a date, i really haven't felt that way about you . Don't say the last part if you are sure about it yet .
I really find it hard to believe you don't know by now if you don't have any feelings at all for him . Even if I'm incorrect there is a time and a place for girl "friends" for gay guys things without the female being around. What kind of things are you suggesting for just you and him when it never happens? I imagine with your plans being canceled all the time it would make me kind of jealous too of her . I know it's hard to make friends in this day and age but how come you don't have any other gay male friends? Maybe you should be upfront with him. Say hey, theres an all male revue down at the Glory Hole Lounge on Saturday night, just you and I thought? It's not a place where a woman would feel very welcome if you know what I mean . Then throw in a hey and stress to him that this is not a date, i really haven't felt that way about you . Don't say the last part if you are sure about it yet .

I really don’t want to have feelings for him. I don’t think I do and it’s probably just jealousy I’m feeling. Lol but thanks for the idea
 
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Yeah I agree with you it’s definitely for the best I stop trying to force it on him. I’ve actually known her longer we went to middle school and high school together but never really bonded outside of school until senior year and obviously even more after graduation. They have known eachother for 3 years and met because she got a job at the restaurant he was working in and I guess they just got to be really good friends after a while. I do agree with him seeing me more as the friend of his best friend because I literally thought that when this whole situation first started and that’s just what it feels like. To be honest I’ve confronted him about this before not so long ago already telling him that it feels like he doesn’t really want to be my friend, that I feel like just a friend of a friend to him. I told him about wanting to hangout more and all he brought up was the one time we actually did hangout but it was because I just showed up without asking nor saying anything. He says that we are friends but idk. Even after talking to him about it a few weeks ago it still feels like I’m not.
Friend of a friend zone - that sucks. Hope things work out for you.
 
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1) if you "don't think" you like him then he's feeling your ambiguity and as a straight man he's steering clear. If you are certain it's jealousy then recognize it and stop the ambiguity or you'll never get anywhere.

2) do something together, but arrive and leave separate. Get 2 tickets to the game, meet him there, maybe even get something to eat, but after the game say catch you later and walk away. Meet at a pub to watch the game. Make it so he knows your not leaving together... meet him there.

Do this a few times, you'll have something to bond over together and he'll SEE that your not interested in anything other then friendship. Eventually he'll feel better about watching the game at your place, but that will come in time.

DO NOT take him to a glory hole, he'll think you want to blow him, don't go to a movie, don't go to a cafe or quiet restaurant.

Go axe throwing, go to a pool hall, go to B-dubs or other loud sports bar type place.

I could make better suggestions if you told me what you are both into.
 
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I think you are possibly feeling rejected by him for not wanting to hang out one on one (understandable). Because of that, I think you are overthinking things a bit and noticing minute details that you ordinarily may not notice... which is why you are likely getting angry when around him. Hurt turns into anger as a form of self defence and self preservation.

He may be slightly (unconsciously) homophobic and may think that you hanging out one on one may mean that you are into him or may try to make a move. Which is totally not fair if so.

Have you brought it up with your girl friend? Might be worthwhile telling her how you are feeling and seeing if she can provide any input as to what may be going on.
 

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There are so many things that this "could" be. Pick one or more.

a - he could be jealous of your relationship with your mutual friend
b - he could be jealous of you because you have, filll in the blank ( a nicer car, a better job, rumored to have a bigger dick....)
b - he could be weird about you being gay and is being cautious
c - he could be busy and when he cancelled, those reasons he gave may have been valid reasons
d - he could be secretly gay and is afraid of getting too close to you
e - he may not be looking to add new friends to his friendbase
f - this may be a hard to hear, but for whatever reason, he may not really feel he has much in common with you, or like you
f - you could be over-analyzing this

I think this is a question with multiple answers

You know, the older I get, the more I feel this way: If someone doesn't "really" want to be with me, then why do I want to be with them? Life is too short and I've got other things to do and people to be with.