Am I Justified in My Annoyance Here?

[lwd]

I have a good friend that I have known for more than 10 years. He’s long-distance now. He’s also in a bit of a different stage of his life (married w/ kids) and I am not. We still manage to catch up every month or two.

I have visited his city (where I used to live) several times over the last few years to visit him and other friends I have. I always get in touch with him a few weeks in advance so we can plan a mutually convenient time to get together. A couple of times over the past few years he has come to my city, as he has immediate family here. One time he called me Staurday night to see if I could hang out (I couldn’t). Now, he just texted me saying “I’m in town”, nothing else.

I expressed me discontent about the first episode (several years ago), but I find the texting AFTER he is in town a bit inconsiserate. I find it a little presumptuous for himm to come to town and let me know he is here. I don’t mind the curt text, but SEND IT TO ME A WEEK IN ADVANCE! Afterall, I give him fair warning when I am coming to town; why can’t he do the same? I also expressed my discontent in the past about this on the fly behavior.

I just resent the implication that I could be ready to get together at the drop of a hat, without warning. Am I being hypersensitive here or am I justified in my annoyance…..I won’t be so petty as not to try to carve out time for him on his latest trip here, but I will give him a little bit of shit about it if we do get together.

Thoughts?

 

[lwd]

xxx

 

[VeeP]

Some people just aren't planners no matter how much you implore them to be. I'd much rather plan ahead and also get torqued when I have to adjust on-the-fly because someone else failed to plan ahead. That said, expecting a week's advance notice may a bit much... a few days would have been the considerate thing for him to do.

 

[lwd]

That's a fair statement (planner/non-planner) thing. One personal flaw I have is I fail to accept the personality differences in my close friends and feel they will change to meet my needs.

I will still give him a little shit about it if we meet. I think it’s important to communicate important values like this to your friends so they know your map of the world. As long as the item isn’t trivial or petty, it should be out for discussion, in a non-antagonistic way.

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

He's right, some people aren't planners... but here's another thing...

When you go to his city, you are going to visit him and other friends... maybe when he goes to your city, he's going to visit his family and figures he'd hang out with you too if you were available. My uncle did this same thing to me once... contacting me after he was already in town... and I was upset at first, then it dawned on me... he didn't contact me sooner because he wasn't here to see ME, he was here to relax and take a vacation from work... and he figured we might be able to hang out while he was around. Just a thought.

 

[2322]

Don't let little shit like this come between you and a genuine friend. Sometime in the course of the evening, not at first, let him know that if you knew he was coming you could have planned an even better night out for the both of you.

Life hands you very few true friends. Don't blow them on stupid shit like this. Enjoy his company and catch-up on time. So many married guys don't know their ass from their elbow 24/7. Please take it from someone who knows and has dealt with this for ages. Married friends need a special indulgence. Go spend a few days with him and you'll see what I mean. That he even set aside time for you is something in itself. Just go with it. Life is too fucking short for petty crap.

 

[headbang8]

I'm absolutely like your friend. I'm not a planner, and my life doesn't lend itself to planning.

Business travel or unexpected meetings pop up often, and I need to change my schedule. I visit friends or relatives on short notice because I squeeze in trips when I can make it. They have, from time to time, been annoyed, but often I can't help it.

Besides, I'm a hopeless planner. I cannot juggle ten people to call in my head at once. I change things.

My trips "home" to Australia are a logistic nightmare. So many friends to see, that I actually end-up short-changing them all. I have adopted the policy of giving a select few good friends quality time on one trip, and doing the same for a different group of friends the next. If a friend in the second group should run into me when visiting the first, there is hell to pay, but I live with it.

IT's actually a compliment that he feels your such a good friend that you can both be so casual with each other. And if you can't hang out, there's always the next visit.

But on behalf of your pal, and all the other appointment slobs out there, let me say sorry, and I'll buy you a beer when I'm next in town.

 

[snoozan]

Having kids changes everything. Suddenly all the family who you've ignored for years become a priority over the friends you've ignored the family for. Wives and kids all have their own things they need and agendas. You're lucky he's even trying to get together with you-- there are only 24 hours in the day and families take up most of that.

I have a friend who is a 2nd year resident and when he comes home getting our schedules to mesh is impossible. One of us is always falling off the calling wagon because we're busy, tired, antisocial, or all three. We don't take it personally and enjoy the time we have together, even if it's only three times a year or so.

Just be glad you're still in touch. It's hard to do once life takes over. Keeping friendships is something that gets harder and harder as you get older and have more responsibilities.

 

[Rugbypup]

Girlfriends, wives, families, not good bed fellows between best mates.

PS, Welcome back Snoozan.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

lighten up.
Sounds like you have issues about control.

Let me tell ya... NOTHING in life is so damn important that you can't change plans at the last minute...

Here is the secret to life.
You will be a long long long loooong lonnng long time
dead.

You only have this very short period to see, and feel, and love and laugh.

Don't pin your hopes on some imaginary afterlife that there is no proof of...

Once you really accept that, the brevity of life and the yawning chasm of non-being... it becomes impossible to get your panties in a twist over something as silly as whether some friend lives his life by the rules that run your life.

Who cares?

If you love him and want to see him... make time for it... live dangerously, be spontaneous...

Otherwise, be prepared for him to stop letting you know when he's in town cause he's tired of being made to feel like shit for wanting to see you.

 

[lwd]

Update: my buddy didn’t return my call or my text reply to him. I am a bit annoyed, but I am taking it in stride, as he is probably consumed with his family here.

I won’ be an ass about it next time we catch up, but I will bring it up in a non-confrontational manner (as a side-point, not the first thing out of my mouth) the next time we speak. As long as I don’t come across as an uptight brow-beater, I still think it’s important for friends and close people to know each other’s rules.

Thanks to those who replied (especially Jason E); it’s good to understand the perspective of others before jumping to conclusions and getting angry. True friendships (this one included) should stand the test of time, beyond petty BS like this….

One other thing, I used to be very unforgiving when a friend flaked on my in the past. Granted, this wasn’t a flake situation. I have improved over the years in my tolerance of flakage, but could still use some tweaking. I guess the reason I get so hung up about it is that when the shoe is on the other foot, I really try hard to make plans happen. But I am slowly realizing that not everyone has the same “rules”.